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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mil is nice .. I just don’t LOVE her ..

113 replies

Lkakpk · 08/04/2023 20:49

So a bit of background been with my husband 10 years - married 3 . We have two young kids . My dh has a brother and his brother is VERY reliant on my in laws for help with their kids . On the other hand I rely very much on my mother and father and my partner is equally really close to my family . Has always been the same even before kids .
my mil is a nice lady and tries to help a lot but I feel it bothers her that our kids have a closer bond with my family. She is a bit of a socially awkward person . Sometimes chatty . Sometimes not - ( I actually think she may be on the spectrum ) Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more . She will text me to see kids / ask how we are etc . My bug bear is I feel when I see her alone she’s a lot nicer than when my husband is present . When my husband is present she talks and looks at him as if I’m a spare part at times and I’m the second class citizen . She constantly talks about how our kids are just like their dad and if anyone says anything to compliment me she just looks uncomfortable and never agrees . Recently his fil was unwell and I had text asking how he is . She left the message annd didn’t reply and later unbeknown to my husband he text the same and yet she replied to him . This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this . My dh is a quiet laid back guy and I feel she just pretends to like me as she knows by not she would lose contact . Frustrating thing is she can be SO nice so it’s almost like if I was to bring this us ( which I have in past ) it’s like I’m being nasty to his mum - dh doesn’t see it but fil does make jokes about his wife and her precious sons . What is it with mums and their sons ?! How would you handle this lady ? I know she’s not worst mil in world but I look at my own mother with my sil and she’s SO nice to her , would never make her fee l anything other than equal to her son ( my brother ) anyone got a similar mil ? Am I unreasonable in expecting to be treated like her adult son ( or at least pretend to )

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 08/04/2023 23:48

My MIL much prefers communicating with my DH than with me - but I would expect that, he is her son.
I have a similar thing to you, that if I am talking, she appears to look at DH, almost as if she wants to see if he agrees with what I'm saying. Her favourite phrase to use in regards to what I say is "Is that so?" What! Who says that? It is basically saying I'm talking bollocks.
I would leave general contact more to your DH, it sounds like she is much keener to be in touch with him. I still tend to plan get-togethers because DH never thinks to keep a day free for IL's, but DH will actually contact her with the arrangements. I know she is happy thinking DH makes the effort, and it doesn't do any harm when it is actually me she should thank.
I expect she can't help being a bit jealous of your DC being closer to your parents. If possible get your DH to take the DC to see her without you. It gives her a chance to build relationships, and gives you a break.
I have a son and I am determined to be a good MIL when the time comes.

MixedFeeling · 08/04/2023 23:51

She sounds fine. Maybe just try to accept her as she is rather than making a big thing of her idiosyncrasies

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 00:14

@CuteCillian this tickles me as my mil uses the exact same phrase when I’m talking . She also does an uncomfortable half shocked expression when I’m talking to gage my husbands opinion on the issue before having an opinion ( just in case she accidentally agrees with me ! Haha ) I agree with all your points it just irks me a bit as she also will text me to ask how I am but it’s only ever to then say let me know when I can see the kids and as for seeing her she also tries to see kids in week when partners in work which would be fine if I actually enjoyed her company . She’s fine don’t get me wrong , just not someone I want to spend time with on a weekly basis especially when I feel she just uses me to get to hubby and kids which I know is normal but she makes it so obvious it’s hard not to be annoyed !
im sure you will be a great mil you seem reasonable … I think the key is to try to see what your son loves in the girl . A lot of these mums just think sun shines out sons arse and the girl is so so lucky to have him where as actually the key is to get wife on side !

OP posts:
Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 00:15

@MixedFeeling I do try to do this but sometimes I feel nicer I am to get more she oversteps the mark in terms of contact ie turning up unannounced etc

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 09/04/2023 00:34

Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me

This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this .

I disagree with what you've written here. It sounds very much as though DH isn't bothered about a relationship with his mother. And there may be very good reasons for that. Or maybe he's a flake who can't be bothered. But either way, you are not showing him respect if you keep forcing the relationship he doesn't want.

Let him determine how much he, you and the DCs see her.

(And if he is leaving it to you because he is lazy/thinks it's woman's work, put him straight.)

Somanycats · 09/04/2023 00:42

You seriously expect your mother in law to love you the same amount as she loves her son?

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 00:44

@Gymnopedie I think it’s a mix of lazy but also when we had our first child she was really OTT and I made it known to him it was stifling so I feel now he kind of lets me lead the way with it in terms of contact . She’s an ok lady but she’s the type of person who give an inch she willl literally camp in our garden . An example of this is during my second pregnancy I was very ill and ended up on a drip overnight … I got out of hospital and she was ourside my front door an hour later .. she thought the best thing for recovery would be a two hour visit . It’s like any excuse to come she will .. and overstay her welcome …

OP posts:
Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 00:45

@Somanycats absoultley not no and nor would I want her too !!? My issue is she almost treats me like a second class citizen in conversation when we are all present ie directing all convo to her son … for me that’s rude and nothing to do with love

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/04/2023 00:50

my husband leaves all contact really to me

Poor bloody woman. No wonder she attempts to fawn all over him. He’s a bad son. He’s the problem, not her. It must be heartbreaking to have a son so neglectful and hard-hearted.

CurlewKate · 09/04/2023 00:51

Why would you love her? Or her love you? All you need to do is get on reasonably well and be nice and polite to each other. Her main relationship is with her son and her grandchildren.

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 00:55

@CurlewKate completely agree . It just irks me that I’m used as the kind of go between .

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/04/2023 01:10

@Lkakpk But that's not down to her, surely?

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 01:17

@CurlewKate her son , my dh works long hours , plus he’s the type of person who forgets to text back etc . I feel if he was a different way she would probably prefer to go through him . Maybe I should make that the new norm and therefore I can’t be annoyed

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 09/04/2023 01:24

I adore my daughter in law. She is a wonderful wife to my son and I couldn't wish for a better girl. I love her dearly. I also love my son who is very close to me. I realised a couple of years ago that I tended to whattsap him about family things most of the time. I make a real effort now to often contact her first - it was just habit on my part and she never seemed to mind but I put myself in her shoes and realised the error of my ways. It's often not a malicious oversight just thoughtless.

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 01:32

@neilyoungismyhero you sound really lovely . I don’t think she is malicious actually but I think it stems from how kind my own mother is to my sil . Can’t help but compare and my mil is very much for her son and makes it quite glaringly obvious but again , as you said yourself sometimes it can just be lack of thought and I think in her case majority of time that's the issue . I don’t expect anything of her atall in terms of love , I would just like a bit of respect sometimes giving I’m the one she communicates with

OP posts:
MintJulia · 09/04/2023 01:32

Somanycats · 09/04/2023 00:42

You seriously expect your mother in law to love you the same amount as she loves her son?

This.

'I feel she just uses me to get to hubby' errr, he's her son. She doesn't need your approval to talk to him.

And 'get the wife on side'. Can't you hear how controlling that sounds. Why should she 'get you on side'?

Expecting your MIL to love you as much as she does her son is absurd. Since you clearly don't like her, better to stop pretending. And stop expecting her to pander to you.

You are her son's wife. You are the mother of his children. As such, you deserve her courtesy & respect, but love requires a bond, a connection, and you clearly don't have that sort of relationship.

Original poster
Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 01:36

@MintJulia I have to disagree . When my son is adult and with a partner I would want his partner to be on side . My opinion is if my son loves her then I would want to have a good relationship too .

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/04/2023 01:44

@Lkakpk In an ideal world then you would have a fabulous relationship with your MIL. But there is absolutely no reason why you should. You're different generations, you have no shared history. The only thing you have in common is her son/your husband and the children. Cordiality is the aim. Anything else is a bonus.

JudgeRudy · 09/04/2023 01:55

I don't really see this as a typical MIL problem. In fact I don't really see it as a problem at all really. You're
almost contradicting yourself by being irritated she comes found in the week when it's just you or messages you about arrangements for the children, but when she gets to spend time with your husband and his kids (that's what they are to her) and prioritise him that irritates you too. When you say she's nice, but you don't love her, I think you're really saying MIL is OK and there's nothing major wrong with her but you don't like her. That doesn't mean you DISlike her, you just wouldn't give a damn if you never saw her again.....and that's OK.
I think you've given it a fair go at trying to get 'closer' so if it was going to happen it would have by now. So do you want to distance yourself or maintain the status quo?
Interestingly you've made very little mention of FIL. Is that because you don't feel any pressure to get to know (like/love) him?

angstridden2 · 09/04/2023 06:38

MILs are damned if they do, damned if they don’t on MN it seems. If they communicate via their DILs that’s wrong, if they primarily contact their sons apparently that’s wrong too.

PoseyFlump · 09/04/2023 06:47

I got out of hospital and she was ourside my front door an hour later

Please think about this. I'm sure she wanted to help you. In her head she was probably imagining staying over and taking on chores but I guess she wasn't invited to do that.

Nothing you are describing sounds that bad. Especially if she's on the spectrum like you suspect.

WandaWonder · 09/04/2023 06:57

You are making this some weird competition thing, it doesn't need to be, be civil and move on, unless you need drama in your life I know that is a thing for some people

Ladybug14 · 09/04/2023 07:06

Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 01:32

@neilyoungismyhero you sound really lovely . I don’t think she is malicious actually but I think it stems from how kind my own mother is to my sil . Can’t help but compare and my mil is very much for her son and makes it quite glaringly obvious but again , as you said yourself sometimes it can just be lack of thought and I think in her case majority of time that's the issue . I don’t expect anything of her atall in terms of love , I would just like a bit of respect sometimes giving I’m the one she communicates with

MIL is who she is. She's unlikely to change.

I'd gradually pass the responsibility of MIL over to DH

So.... when MIL texts asking if you're all coming over to hers at the weekend reply.....'I've forwarded this to DH as I'm not sure. He will reply to you'

Keep doing that when she texts you and eventually MIL will contact DH directly

It's not worth comparing MIL to your Mother as they are different people

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 08:57

MintJulia · 09/04/2023 01:32

This.

'I feel she just uses me to get to hubby' errr, he's her son. She doesn't need your approval to talk to him.

And 'get the wife on side'. Can't you hear how controlling that sounds. Why should she 'get you on side'?

Expecting your MIL to love you as much as she does her son is absurd. Since you clearly don't like her, better to stop pretending. And stop expecting her to pander to you.

You are her son's wife. You are the mother of his children. As such, you deserve her courtesy & respect, but love requires a bond, a connection, and you clearly don't have that sort of relationship.

Show quote history

I agree with all of this.

You need to quell your expectations.

pictoosh · 09/04/2023 09:02

As for 'get the wife on side' - nah.

There's a lot of people who post here who regard themselves as the gatekeeper to the family and mil has to go through them, ask permission, pay homage to the bloody wife.
I always think they're selfy twats.