My mil is nice .. I just don’t LOVE her ..

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background been with my husband 10 years - married 3 . We have two young kids . My dh has a brother and his brother is VERY reliant on my in laws for help with their kids . On the other hand I rely very much on my mother and father and my partner is equally really close to my family . Has always been the same even before kids .
my mil is a nice lady and tries to help a lot but I feel it bothers her that our kids have a closer bond with my family. She is a bit of a socially awkward person . Sometimes chatty . Sometimes not - ( I actually think she may be on the spectrum ) Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more . She will text me to see kids / ask how we are etc . My bug bear is I feel when I see her alone she’s a lot nicer than when my husband is present . When my husband is present she talks and looks at him as if I’m a spare part at times and I’m the second class citizen . She constantly talks about how our kids are just like their dad and if anyone says anything to compliment me she just looks uncomfortable and never agrees . Recently his fil was unwell and I had text asking how he is . She left the message annd didn’t reply and later unbeknown to my husband he text the same and yet she replied to him . This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this . My dh is a quiet laid back guy and I feel she just pretends to like me as she knows by not she would lose contact . Frustrating thing is she can be SO nice so it’s almost like if I was to bring this us ( which I have in past ) it’s like I’m being nasty to his mum - dh doesn’t see it but fil does make jokes about his wife and her precious sons . What is it with mums and their sons ?! How would you handle this lady ? I know she’s not worst mil in world but I look at my own mother with my sil and she’s SO nice to her , would never make her fee l anything other than equal to her son ( my brother ) anyone got a similar mil ? Am I unreasonable in expecting to be treated like her adult son ( or at least pretend to )

That's so weird. That's not being selfless, that is being a right mug. Why do you do that? I don't organise my DH's life. When the need arose for FIL to have care, DH organised it with his siblings. I didn't organise it or do it. Why would I? I support him through him doing it, I went with him to visit places to have a second opinion, we chatted about it, but I didn't do it.

I really don't think that you should be giving anybody advice, you are clearly not in a good place.

Let yr P contact her, stay out of it, not worth the stress it causes.

I don't think that's the case, but I think I understand the feeling.

It's sometimes like you're not even a human being. You're their son's wife. You're the potential vessel for future grandchildren. You're the filofax responsible for making sure a card arrives on time...

My MIL is mostly nice, but there's an edge in our relationship, and we both are sensible enough to avoid it. She's currently off me, because as well as not being her best friend's daughter (who she wanted to marry one of her sons and live fifteen minutes from them until the end of our days), I'm the nasty mean woman making him move to where I'm from. Because he definitely doesn't want to do that for himself, or envy the lifestyle of our friends there, and he definitely didn't refuse to move to her side of town because she'd always be around. Nope, that was all me ;)

my husband leaves all contact really to me

Why?

She's probably more upset about this than anything. And yes, she's probably a bit jealous about the bond your kids have with your family rather than her. But if she's helping out BIL's family all the time, she can't be all things to all people.

You don't have to 'love her'. Ask your DH to give a bit more of a shit a out her. She is his mother, not your's.

I think your OH needs to take over contacting his own Mother. It's not your job. I did the same thing for many years then she did something during lockdown to my child that I was so furious about that I stopped making the effort. OH couldn't even say anything in her defence as she was so out of order. In fact, I ended up asking her to leave.

So now- I warn him about 2 weeks in advance it is MIL/FIL birthday/Mother's/Father's Day and he has to deal with it. If they want to attend things the kids are doing, they need to deal with him to organise times/tickets etc.

If he wishes to see them, I have no problem with that- but he needs to sort it out. If he wishes to take the kids, again, no problem but that's his job. I made this extremely clear to him- they are his parents and he needs to take responsibility for contacting them.

There's quite a lot to unpick here. Firstly you are bound to see your mum more favourably than your mil - she raised you, instilled her values, you love her. You say your mum has a great relationship with your sil - your sil may or may not agree. Either way, they are different people and you shouldn't expect to feel the same bond with your mil that you do with your own mum!

Secondly, step back from contacting/organising:managing the relationship. Your husband is perfectly capable of texting his mum or arranging to see her. If he doesn't bother, it's not on you. He's not a child, I'm sure he manages his work relationships so let him manage his personal ones. You'll feel less resentment when you step back.

I also had a mil who would take a mile if you gave an inch. I insisted on phone calls to arrange mutually convenient times instead of just dropping round, as in-laws would turn up and stay all day. It's not unreasonable to want agreed visits.

I also think your perspective on in-laws will change when your own children grow up and find partners - this will come around quicker than you think it will. I have a dil who I think isn't very fond of me. She's polite and civil but that's it. That's despite me doing my best to help her out when needed and giving more support than either of her own parents. You can't force a bond if it isn't there. But it's okay because I have taken her out of the equation - I contact my son directly and it's on him to maintain his relationship with me. And that's how it should be really. Dil and I didn't choose each other - our connection is via him.

So step back a bit and stop thinking you have to manage all interactions.

@thecatsthecats This . Completely . Your mil sounds like mine . An example of this is when we missed a family party , we had recently gone through quite a traumatic time as I had a miscarriage . His mum was disappointed we didn’t go but it was kind of hinted at it was my decision . I mean her son wouldn’t possibly want to miss a family gathering 🤣 in actual fact it was my dh who was more against going but that would be too much for her to take in !
As you say , it’s not about getting love from mil I can get that from my own family but it just makes me slightly resentful as my family treat my husband as a person not just my husband where as I can’t count how many conversations with mil have started and ended with questions about her son 🤣

@ForestofD yes I agree . I think a lot of my hostility comes from the fact it seems the book starts and ends with me . She even text me recently to ask how my dh was as he had been ill with a chest infection . I replied you would have to ask him that I’m too busy to deal with man flu 🤣

@ImAvingOops yes I get what you are saying .
It’s just little things , for example if my brother and sister in law are at my parents and share a story or a groan my mum will always see her side too and quite rightly take her side if she agrees with sil . Where as if that was myself and my hubby she would go silent even if she agreed with me . She’s just very for her own kids which I’m sure everyone is but most people try and be fair minded - I think ?! That’s fine in itself if she was to keep all her dealings with my hubby but she relies on me to almost be his pa . I get I’m the one more available as I’m with the kids most of the time but still it’s grating .
You say your dil may not like you have you done anything that could have made it like this ? This is not being nasty atall I’m just thinking maybe you may be doing something similar to my mil and not really realise as from reading a few comments from other mils it seems they can be slightly one sided when it comes to sons

Many women seem jealous of the relationship their husband has with his mum, yet at the same time are very attached to their own mums. It's often nothing to do with MIL behaviour, but wife's insecurities.

@darjeelingrose 🤣 Agreed !

Bingo. It's a power thing and they like to show that they have the power.

Not all DiLs of course

And there is the proof, as if if were needed, that mils can't bloody win in many cases!

When my DDs visit with their partners, I probably do the same thing. I like their partners, but when we are all together, it's my daughters and I that are likely to lead conversations, rather than their partners, and I'm probably more likely to be talking about things that interest or involve them. Sometimes I have to remind myself to directly ask their partners about their lives/jobs/ things that interest them.

Isn't that fairly normal? I imagine that it's the offspring that talk to their parents most, and vice versa in most families.

I did love my MIL very much, and she loved me (and adored her grandkids). I think conversation was more equal there when we visited, but it took some years to get to that point (maybe add much as a decade) as I'm quite quiet (as are my DD's partners).

@Ladybug14 yes I think this is route I’ll go down from now on !

@saraclara I think with daughters it’s different as in general ( not all obviously ) woman are more into small talk etc so I don’t think your situation is abnormal atall .
I just can’t put my finger on it … she’s very hot and cold . At our wedding my dad even noticed it . He was saying to her how lovely my husband is etc and what a good match we are . She never agreed just made a comment about how she loved her son too 🤣 yet still , it’s me who she contacts etc .

I do wonder if some MILs are not so much jealous as a bit scared of their DILs. DILs do seem to be those who hold the reins in their relationships and with the children. Certainly if I had boys and read Mumsnet, I'd be pretty scared of getting things wrong, and be only too aware that my realtionship with my DGCs in particular would hinge on the DIL. Certainly that's the case with my friends who have sons.

Consequently I imagine that the relationship might tend to be less relaxed and less confortable. And if this lady is a bit socially awkward, I can imagine that it feels safer, when you're together, for her to look to your D in conversations.

@saraclara yes I do think this makes a lot of sense .
Shes not a bad person and there is times I think oh she is who she is there is no malice but then certain things she does just gets my back up ie ignoring texts when my fil was sick and I asked how he was , turning up unannounced when she always makes a big deal out of saying she never wants to be intrusive . But yes , I get her social awkwardness may add to this

@Skybluepinky yes I agree

It can be difficult to be the MIL of a DIL. A DIL is (almost) always going to prioritise her own mother. I certainly did. There was a thread a while back from someone who had lost her own mum and felt bad about resenting her MIL because it was as if the MIL’s “competition” had been removed. That can be how it feels as the mother of a son. You know that you are no longer the no.1 woman in your son’s life, but then you’re also relegated behind the DIL’s mother as well. It can be tough. When I read some of the less kind comments on MN from the mothers of young children about their MILs I do think they will see things differently when their children (especially sons) are older. MILs are human beings who were once DILs too. You may be one yourself some day and then the boot will be on the other foot. And the easiest solution for WhatsApp groups is to have one including your child and partner and yourselves. Then there’s no excuses.

I loved my mother in law. She only had sons and I definitely knew she appreciated me as a person in her life, not just wife to her DS and mother of her DGC. DH completely took responsibility for communicating with her and later when she was housebound, visited alone or just with DC as well as all of us going.

Some of this is because before I met him she went through a horrendous divorce after FIL’s long affair so DH had quite a sense of responsibility for her in his early 20s.

But then my SMIL (the former affair partner) was a whole other story and did everything she could to make my life miserable. OP’s MIL sounds positively cuddly compared to her!

See I just don't get this attitude.

Where is the son (DH) in this? Why are all of the women in your scenario squabbling for a place in the queue? Why can't a DIL have a relationship with her mother that is hers and nothing to do wit her MIL? And which says nothing about the MIL or her place in the queue?

In a healthy 2020s marriage, surely sons can have good, warm, healthly relationships with their own mothers and ensure that that relationship is sustained appropriately within his marriage and with his own children. Why do the sons of slighted MILs always seem to get a free pass, as if none of this was anything to do with them?

Mothers and fathers should BOTH raise their sons well and then no one should need to demonise a poor DIL for speaking to her mum more than her MIL.

@Lkakpk with my dil, she lived with us for a couple of years after things went sideways with her own family and because we have very different ways of living, and outlooks, things became a bit fraught by the time she snd DS moved out. While she was here I did treat her the same way as I did my own kids, she was very much valued as her own person. But what I'm getting at is that you can't force a relationship if the other person doesn't want it.
All you can do is step back, be polite but let your husband facilitate his own relationship with his mum. It isn't your job to make sure she sees him or the kids - it's up to her don to do it. You'll feel better once you stop feeling responsible and accept that you can do your best but how other people feel isn't within your control.

A quick additional comment, my husband is perfectly capable of having any WhatsApp groups with whichever family members he so chooses. As am I. They don't necessarily need to involve the other (but may of course depending in relationships). Cultivate your relationships with your sons and rely on that.

I think this reflection on the MIL perspective is spot on.