My mil is nice .. I just don’t LOVE her ..

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background been with my husband 10 years - married 3 . We have two young kids . My dh has a brother and his brother is VERY reliant on my in laws for help with their kids . On the other hand I rely very much on my mother and father and my partner is equally really close to my family . Has always been the same even before kids .
my mil is a nice lady and tries to help a lot but I feel it bothers her that our kids have a closer bond with my family. She is a bit of a socially awkward person . Sometimes chatty . Sometimes not - ( I actually think she may be on the spectrum ) Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more . She will text me to see kids / ask how we are etc . My bug bear is I feel when I see her alone she’s a lot nicer than when my husband is present . When my husband is present she talks and looks at him as if I’m a spare part at times and I’m the second class citizen . She constantly talks about how our kids are just like their dad and if anyone says anything to compliment me she just looks uncomfortable and never agrees . Recently his fil was unwell and I had text asking how he is . She left the message annd didn’t reply and later unbeknown to my husband he text the same and yet she replied to him . This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this . My dh is a quiet laid back guy and I feel she just pretends to like me as she knows by not she would lose contact . Frustrating thing is she can be SO nice so it’s almost like if I was to bring this us ( which I have in past ) it’s like I’m being nasty to his mum - dh doesn’t see it but fil does make jokes about his wife and her precious sons . What is it with mums and their sons ?! How would you handle this lady ? I know she’s not worst mil in world but I look at my own mother with my sil and she’s SO nice to her , would never make her fee l anything other than equal to her son ( my brother ) anyone got a similar mil ? Am I unreasonable in expecting to be treated like her adult son ( or at least pretend to )

He should be taking the DC to see her and you get time to yourself.

That's a bit mixed messages. You're annoyed she wants to communicate mostly with DH and not you and when she does communicates, you give a snarky reply and don't even answer the question.

To be honest, I think @ImAvingOops is spot on and there are things you are doing/thinking which aren't completely fair/necessarily helping here (though your feelings about her treatment of you is understandable).

For what it's worth my relationship with my mil is very similar. I have really really tried to love her over the years, but despite I've been with her son for 21 happy years she only started to treat me as an actual person worthy of notice/pleasant interaction 3 years ago. It's been a long wait to lose my second class citizen status.

I'll never love her, so I accept what she can give, respect her for raising my DH and for her role in me DC lives and stopped hoping for anything else some time ago (though at only a decade in I was still, like you, railing against the discomfort and rejection her approach engendered).

I think you should talk to your DH about his part in this dynamic though. There are things he could do to help which wouldn't take much to do to help even if it isn't his natural inclination.

I’d keep her at arm’s length OP. I grew really close to my MIL over the years but she never let go of the impression that her son was better (she treated her daughters the same way, my husband was always the better option). It came to a head when she’d come to family gatherings completely arranged by myself and profusely thanked her son for his efforts. She’d seen me do all the work, she knew exactly what her comment was doing. Luckily for my husband he called her on it and said that’s likely the last time Vallmo47 bothers, because you know I was at work and haven’t lifted a finger towards any of this. She then said “Yes that’s right, while you were hard at work supporting the family”. With some people you won’t ever win. I now keep her at arm’s length, share very little about myself but remain civil when we meet. A huge weight lifted for me mentally.

Your husband is the problem here. Why should it be up to you to maintain a relationship with his mother? Absolutely no way would I do that. It's up to him. Maybe if he made more of an effort with her it wouldn't be such a big deal to her when she saw him. In our family DP is the one who drives his mum around from hers to ours (a long way) and facilitates calls between her and the kids. I do the same with my parents. When we see her I make sure she has plenty of time with him as naturally she is more interested in him than me and I would never expect otherwise.

@Lkakpk re the message about when she can come over with the aunt, you could reply that you'll ask dh to contact her when he is at home and available for a visit.
Then tell dh she's texted and asked and then do nothing else.
It isn't your job to host his family visits when dh is at work or to make your children available on your own days off, if you don't want to.
Keep gently batting back these enquiries to dh - he'll either arrange it or he won't.

Lkakpk · 09/04/2023 11:06
@MrsSkylerWhite 😂 true . Maybe I’m overthinking it and should just stop replying and just pass over to dh”

Absolutely.

I don't think mil is the problem, it's you with all your nit picking it's obvious you don't like her.

@Vallmo47 this seems very similar . She loves to point out how hard her son works . Like raising two small children whilst working part time doesn’t seem like hard work !

Yes, she’s bothered about her son, not you! That’s why you should let him organize contact with them. My in-laws are the same, I could be ill in hospital and they’d primarily be worried about the effect on DH. 😂

@HamBone 🤣🤣 this. Mine would be the same .

My DD's partner was in hospital a few months ago, with symptoms that were very serious. I was worried about him, of course. But instinctively and emotionally, I was more worried about my daughter who was distraught and terrified. I was also worried about his mum, far away and worrying about him.

I think that's just how we're made. He was being cared for in hospital. He had people there looking out for him. My DD was alone at home and scared. His mum was far away and scared. I could empathise with them both more easily and instinctively, while still obviously worried for him.

This. There have been a lot of these posts recently.

I think that, given the choice, most males would have very little to do with either parents because that's what they're like.

But it's unfortunately up to the females to carry on regardless, with the MILS quietly bitter about the lack of interest from their sons, which they wrongly blame on their DILS.

You don't have the same shared history with your DH's family as they do. Any expectation of love on either side is, I think, unrealistic. If you like each other and get on well that's a bonus; if not, the least you owe each other is basic courtesy.

It's expectations that are awry here, too:

Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more.

This, right here, is your problem. Not your MiL.

Drop the rope and let your DH pick it up.