My mil is nice .. I just don’t LOVE her ..

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background been with my husband 10 years - married 3 . We have two young kids . My dh has a brother and his brother is VERY reliant on my in laws for help with their kids . On the other hand I rely very much on my mother and father and my partner is equally really close to my family . Has always been the same even before kids .
my mil is a nice lady and tries to help a lot but I feel it bothers her that our kids have a closer bond with my family. She is a bit of a socially awkward person . Sometimes chatty . Sometimes not - ( I actually think she may be on the spectrum ) Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more . She will text me to see kids / ask how we are etc . My bug bear is I feel when I see her alone she’s a lot nicer than when my husband is present . When my husband is present she talks and looks at him as if I’m a spare part at times and I’m the second class citizen . She constantly talks about how our kids are just like their dad and if anyone says anything to compliment me she just looks uncomfortable and never agrees . Recently his fil was unwell and I had text asking how he is . She left the message annd didn’t reply and later unbeknown to my husband he text the same and yet she replied to him . This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this . My dh is a quiet laid back guy and I feel she just pretends to like me as she knows by not she would lose contact . Frustrating thing is she can be SO nice so it’s almost like if I was to bring this us ( which I have in past ) it’s like I’m being nasty to his mum - dh doesn’t see it but fil does make jokes about his wife and her precious sons . What is it with mums and their sons ?! How would you handle this lady ? I know she’s not worst mil in world but I look at my own mother with my sil and she’s SO nice to her , would never make her fee l anything other than equal to her son ( my brother ) anyone got a similar mil ? Am I unreasonable in expecting to be treated like her adult son ( or at least pretend to )

You’re completely missing the point. It’s not a case of “squabbling for a place in the queue”. No one is squabbling, just stating facts. No one is saying that a woman shouldn’t have a relationship with her own mother that has nothing to do with MIL. My relationship with my DM was completely separate from that with my MIL. But if I had to choose to see my DM rather than MIL I would. And since my DH considers me first in his life he would choose to put my wishes first rather than his mother’s. Therefore his DM loses out. Nothing to do with poor mother-son relationships , everything to do with a man putting his wife and her wishes first. And women generally prefer their own mothers to their MILs. You can argue this is a DH problem, but whoever’s problem it is , it’s his DM who is at the receiving end of it. What I am saying is that there is a responsibility for all parties to give some consideration to each other - not just “your mother, your problem”. Of course sons can have a really healthy relationship with their own mothers, but the problem sometimes seems to be that some DILs only seem happy with if their DH /DM’s relationship fits in to a pattern that suits the DIL. Too little and they aren’t interested. Too much and they’re interfering.

@ImAvingOops you are right and your insight into it makes complete sense . For what it’s worth , your daughter in law is probably very much missing out you seem fair minded and kind .

*sons can have good, warm, healthly relationships with their own mothers

Such men are often sneered at on here and called mummy's boys.

I thought I should add a bit of insight to this as I feel it’s becoming more about my husbands lacks of relationship with mil . I’m fact that’s not quite true , my dh is a quiet guy not so much into small talk so he’s not the type to ring his mum for a chat so to speak . However there is no dispute and there is no issue with their relationship - that’s just how it is and has always been even pre our life together .
I am more of a social person and more of a planner so in general I make plans for our weekends etc and before anyone says this is controlling , no this is just how we live . My husband is very chill and would rather I take the lead on this however I do feel my husbands lack of small talk leads her to try and get info out of me ie how he is / how is work etc . Which is one of the things that grate on me .

I feel quite sorry for her then. If she has a quiet and somewhat taciturn son, she is going to turn to you for connection to you both and the grandkids.

When you plan for weekends, do you ever ask your DH whether he's been in contact with his parents/wants to see them? Or do you just plan want you want to do? I appreciate that he shouldn't need to be asked, but it seems that he's just lazy and would rather that you sort his life for him.
And yes, make it clear that when his mum messages him because she's worried about his illness, he needs to answer her. Not leave it so that she's forced to contact you to ease her mind.

@saraclara no I don’t ask if he wants to see his parents as he’s in his 30s and I’m not there to nourish his relationship - I wouldn’t expect him to ask me when I’m seeing my parents .
As for his mum , that would all be fine in terms of contacting me but she’s very transparent in her intentions , an example of this would be recently - she text asking how everyone was I replied , she then mentioned our niece and finished with let me know when I can see the kids ? I replied with a time to see the kids and asked her something regarding our niece . She didnt reply . That to me is blatant got what I wanted now so no need for further chat . That to me is rude . Its things like that that get my back up . I don’t want another mother , I have that . All I want is consistency in her approach . She’s very hot or cold depending on what she wants and she’s not very smart in hiding it unfortunately .

@saraclara also I must add re his illness . She never text him . Just me . Go figure 🤣

I've just realised my mil will sometimes say to me 'is that so' 😂

I like my IL they are nice people and never rude to me but it helps for me to remember that in priority order it goes DC, dh then me.

And that seems fair as it's the same for my DP.

@Fooksticks mine too , another way of saying I don’t want to agree with you in any way on this topic 🤣

I don't always like my mil but I do love her. I have known her as long as dh after all.

When my parents were quiet old they told me that they saw my husband of decades as their son, they loved him as my brother and myself. If you truly want that relationship with your in laws perhaps put in the effort my husband did. For decades he behaved like their son, he was there for them, cared for them, laughed with them, played with them. In the end he helped me to look after them, gave my dad a home in his final years and grieved with me when we lost them. He EARNED their love. What have you done to earn the love of your PIL?

I have a great relationship with my MiL. I invited her to help me choose my wedding dress. She has loved me ever since. She has no DD's of her own. My dh jokes, although actually half believes, she likes me more than him. He is not close to his Mum at all. I get her Mother's Day cards and send her flowers. I pick her up a bouquet of flowers or a box of chocs to take when we visit. I send her post cards from holiday and remember her birthday and until FiL died her wedding anniversary. I bring her back gift from holiday and send her recipes I think she will like and ring her to chat each week. My own Mum died 10 years ago and I got closer to MiL afterwards.

@Lovepeaceunderstanding I really feel you are missing the original point . I don’t want my mother in law to love me , that’s never been the issue . The issue is she relies on me solely for contact yet doesn’t really treat me the way she should considering that fact alone . I don’t want love , maybe just show some appreciation or at least treat me like a human woman and not just that woman who birthed my grand kids and is so lucky to be with my son 🤣

I think she resents having to go through you to find out how her son is doing or to see her grandkids. That's not your fault because it's her son who ought to be texting her and arranging to see her, but might explain why she's a bit hot and cold - she likes you but it's warring with her other feeling of being pissed off. It's a hard thing to face, realising that your own child, your baby, can easily go weeks or months without meaningful contact.
I think I'm your shoes I'd tell my husband to manage his relationship better, not least because if he does, that will in turn improve your relationship with mil. You need to break the pattern of everything going through you.
Your dh is doing you both a disservice by opting out and leaving you and mil to manage a relationship where the common denominator is him.
^Also, don't feel you have to reply to her messages immediately or extend the conversation, if mil is okay with leaving her own messages unanswered. This is difficult if you are the kind of person who replies promptly to texts but you don't have to take responsibility for keeping a conversation going.

I don't think I've ever come across a situation where a son in law takes over communication with his wife's parents because the wife doesn't bother very much. You don't have to do this for your dh or mil - reframe it in your mind as not your responsibility.^

I'm really not missing the point and your reply to my earlier post proves it.

To use a cake analogy, you are suggesting there is a slice of cake that is to be shared between the two mums. You prefer spending time with your mum, and your husband supports you, therefore your mum gets either the full slice or the lion's share.

I don't see it in this way in any shape or form. It is wholly the wrong starting point. There is nothing to be shared between the two mums.

Where is the husband saying to his wife 'my mum had invited us for dinner on Sunday. Fancy it?'. The wife's mum doesn't come in to it. Spending time with the MIL in this scenario has nothing whatsoever to do with the wife's mum.

They can both be accommodated.

What is missing from the 'queue' analysis is the husband making plans with his own mum.

@ImAvingOops yes , I agree completely I will be stepping back from this

I agree with PP’s, step back and let your DH make plans with/communicate with his parents. If he doesn’t, it’s on him. My DH is the primary organizer with his side of the family and I am with mine, it’s much easier.

I realized and accepted years ago that my PIL don’t care about me, they’re interested in their adult children and slightly interested in their grandchildren. I’m just the person married to their son and when my Mum died, for example, they didn’t offer condolences or support. . They’re the same towards my BIL (married to DH’s sister) and somewhat more fond of my other SIL by marriage.

Ultimately, thry see us all in terms of whether we’re making their adult children happy. 🤷

I’m feeling very sorry for your MIL.

I'm sorry she sounds fine to me tbh. Have you considered it's you making her feel awkward I mean you do seem to come accross as your parents are the better side. Sounds like you need to make more effort maybe. We always have both sides involved with our 4 equally.

I stopped communicating directly with my MIL and explained to her (and still often repeat) that she needs to talk to DH about visiting and other arrangements as visits always involve staying multiple nights.

As a result we now see PiLs far less and I am
much happier for it. It's a shame for them that their son doesn't want to see or speak to them enough to maintain the level of contact that they'd clearly prefer but that is in no way my problem.

I do think a lot of dil's prefer to control when the in-laws visit because if they didn't, their husbands would agree to whatever the in-laws wanted, regardless of whether this is convenient for the family as a whole. Some in-laws have very little consideration about this and would practically move in if they weren't stopped! And often it's the dil who ends up dealing with this - if she's at home with small children, the in-laws will turn up for an extended visit and the dh buggers off to work and leaves her to it! Or the dh will happily agree to letting his parents come on the family holiday (although tbf, wives often land their husbands with his in-laws on the family holiday too). I do think a lot of mums of sons are scared of being left out so maybe push too much the other way. The dil pushes back or gets dumped with overbearing in-laws and it just doesn't work. Or the dh/wife is so close to their parents that the spouse feels they are always in their house and they can't breathe without in-laws being present.

Most of these relationships would be so much better if parents respected the personal space of their adult children and didn't just descend on them, expecting their dils (usually) to accommodate them and if adult children made an effort to communicate/visit with their own parents and not take the path of least resistance and agree to the 'demands' of whoever shouts loudest, be that parents or spouse.

@newtowelsplease do you get on with them on a whole ? I think I’ll be going down this route myself . She recently text me saying what day can I bring my auntie to see the baby ? I think it’s rude to invite another person ( one I barely know ) to my house on my time ( when my dh is at work )

You ARE a go between.
And that’s perfectly ok!
She loves your DC, rather than you, and wants to see them. Facilitate that for them because it’s good for them to have a loving grandparent. Obviously within reasonable limits, depending on your own plans as a family or for yourself, and with the condition that she is respectful towards you which it sounds like she is.

And also, your DH needs to step up a lot more.

Thanks everyone for all the comments , I will be going down the route of passing the communications directly to her son .
As I’ve said earlier she’s not a bad person but she is quite deluded in what she expects She recently text me asking what morning herself and her auntie could visit to see our child . One , why should I entertain a relative unknown in my house and two this would also be when my husband is at work . Why does she feel entitled to my free time ? I know there is divided opinion on this but when my sons at this age I will definitely let his family take the lead on how much I visit etc .