My mil is nice .. I just don’t LOVE her ..

[Lkakpk]

So a bit of background been with my husband 10 years - married 3 . We have two young kids . My dh has a brother and his brother is VERY reliant on my in laws for help with their kids . On the other hand I rely very much on my mother and father and my partner is equally really close to my family . Has always been the same even before kids .
my mil is a nice lady and tries to help a lot but I feel it bothers her that our kids have a closer bond with my family. She is a bit of a socially awkward person . Sometimes chatty . Sometimes not - ( I actually think she may be on the spectrum ) Anyway , my husband leaves all contact really to me so it annoys me more . She will text me to see kids / ask how we are etc . My bug bear is I feel when I see her alone she’s a lot nicer than when my husband is present . When my husband is present she talks and looks at him as if I’m a spare part at times and I’m the second class citizen . She constantly talks about how our kids are just like their dad and if anyone says anything to compliment me she just looks uncomfortable and never agrees . Recently his fil was unwell and I had text asking how he is . She left the message annd didn’t reply and later unbeknown to my husband he text the same and yet she replied to him . This all seems petty but it annoys me that I’m the one ( out of respect for my dh ) who keeps the relationship going and yet she does irritating things like this . My dh is a quiet laid back guy and I feel she just pretends to like me as she knows by not she would lose contact . Frustrating thing is she can be SO nice so it’s almost like if I was to bring this us ( which I have in past ) it’s like I’m being nasty to his mum - dh doesn’t see it but fil does make jokes about his wife and her precious sons . What is it with mums and their sons ?! How would you handle this lady ? I know she’s not worst mil in world but I look at my own mother with my sil and she’s SO nice to her , would never make her fee l anything other than equal to her son ( my brother ) anyone got a similar mil ? Am I unreasonable in expecting to be treated like her adult son ( or at least pretend to )

Not saying YOU are - but mils do not need to get the wife on side to have a relationship with their son, like so many here think.

@Ladybug14 this is great advice I will do this from now on !

@JudgeRudy fil is actually the opposite . I get on really well with him .

@neilyoungismyhero

Why would you do that? I would be fuming if my husbands parent decided that all communication had to be through me. Like it is wife work and I am his sodding secretary and dogsbody, how absolutely insulting. Contact your son, not your DIL.

As to OP, I am really struggling to understand what your problem is. You don’t have to love your mother in law, she doesn’t have to love you and you seem to be complaining that she loves her son more than she loves you, is more interested in him than you, well of course she does!

If she doesn’t reply to your messages in a timely fashion don’t respond to hers. When she texts you to see the kids just leave it for a few hours. Or let her text her son to arrange and leave it up to them.

And when she exclaims when you say something “how strange” I’d just always answer “not really” with an eye roll and move on.

to me this is just all a bit bonkers though. I have a family group chat with my mother, brother and sister in law. We just all chat together and we’re all involved.

@Aprilx completely missing my point . Don’t expect her to love me let alone more than her son . My issue is things like not texting back but then texting my husband but yet when she wants something texting me and not him . I would be more than happy her dealing just with him !

@Inthesamesinkingboat yes I get this as it’s same with my side of family . I will do the message thing or maybe just divert all to hubby

Some good advice OP, sounds like you know passing the arrangements for contact over to your DH will sort this. Can you make yourself do it rather than lots of excuses why you can't? Gentle challenge there, not trying to be narky!

@MoonahStone no I agree that’s definitely the way forward and solves the issue . Only stumbling block is how to do it without looking an arse

Lkakpk · Today 00:55
@CurlewKate completely agree . It just irks me that I’m used as the kind of go between “

Just stop doing it.

Then reply to her 'please text dh and ask him that' or whatever

You don't have to be rude just basic

@WandaWonder yes you are right

If I received seperate messages from son and dil asking about fil, I would assume replying to son would be fine as he would tell his wife.

You said she isn't a bad person. Why not arrange a meet up every couple of weeks or monthly for a morning (if your not working). Might help build the relationship you want rather than the one you have

@Hankunamatata see what your saying but I’m fine with relationship we have , no tensions or arguments etc my only thing is I feel like I would prefer her to go through son instead of picking and choosing when to be full on and then when to ignore messages . I just don’t know how best to navigate this change in communication

@MrsSkylerWhite 😂 true . Maybe I’m overthinking it and should just stop replying and just pass over to dh

As a daughter in law, we are there because their son chose to have us and if he chooses not to have us then we’re obsolete.

My inlaws are nice but I literally run their sons and their grandchildren’s lives and still they never ask about me - my job, my studies, my state of mind, nothing.

When we visit them it is me cooking everyone’s lunch. It’s me wrapping presents. It’s me messaging them. It’ll be me caring for them if ever the need arises.

I feel a bit like you have lost perspective and are comparing your mum and his mum but ofcourse they’re going to be different.

Think of the bigger picture. It benefits your husband and children to have a good relationship with them so get over yourself already.

I am gobsmacked at the post above from a wife saying she runs the lives of her husband and children and organises everything for the inlaws, and expects to be caring for them if the need ever arises. Why on earth would any woman do this in this day and age? Does your husband organise your family relationships and lives, and plan to do the elderly care of your parents, or are these jobs only for the vagina of the house?

OP- i wholeheartedly agree with you and the others on this thread who have said you need to be polite and friendly but drop the rope and let your DH step up to the extent he chooses. How you go about this is perhaps a bit trickier but you but having identified the problem yoyou're lf way there.

Why wouldn't she talk / refer more to your husband when he is there? Why can't she communicate with you to see the children? Why does she have to be like your mum is to her dil? They are two different people from you and your mil. There's no rule as to what a mil / dil relationship should be.

Let your DH / get your DH to make more of the contact - that's the natural way to go. Accept you are not as high in her affections.

My mil is dead now. We got along ok, sometimes had some great conversations, but I always took a back seat to my DH in contacting her, unless there was a good reason for me to do so. If he didn't shape up (imo) I reminded him to do so (eg buy her a birthday card etc).

@longdistanceclaraaa I actually read it open mouthed I mean wow ?! It’s 2023 and that woman is clearly living in Victorian times !

@FrumptyMumpty read this back . You sound like you are really lacking in self respect if you honestly believe that you should do all that including care ??! I hope your husband helps with these things as wow that’s a lot ?!

@pictoosh don’t think they have to either .. although it helps undeniably

I think it takes time to grow PIL love.

I love my PILs now, I am very fond of them and they feel like parents to me. I respect them.

That's not to say they don't irritate me from time to time.

I love them like family. Whereas in the earlier days they were people I liked and saw from time to time.

Don’t worry about whether she likes you or not. You can’t control that. As long as you’re civil to her, that’s all that’s necessary.
Do worry about the fact that you husband leaves the wife work/making arrangements with her, to you. Try leaving more to him. She’s his mum. Easier said than done, but worth a try.