Page 2 | The Family Court Scandal and Abuse

SpringMum30 · 2023-04-08T18:37:06+00:00

Wasn't sure what to post this under: Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by authorities to leave their abusers or risk losing their children. Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by the family courts to coparent with their abusers or risk losing their children. The family court system is not fit for purpose. Women are re traumatised during proceedings whereby they are forced to face their abuser, are further gaslit by Cafcass and magistrates and forced to push their children into unsafe contact arrangements. The court want to handle cases as quickly as possible and women are criticised for raising allegations of abuse as this prolongs the court process. The abuser uses the court to further their abuse through the children and is not held accountable for their harmful and abusive behaviour. If you can relate to this then I am sorry. The trauma experienced can trigger ptsd, anxiety and depression to name a few. I don’t know how to change the system but in raising awareness and talking about it I hope it’s a move in the right direction for real change.

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:32

MsInsomniac · 08/04/2023 20:26

No one believed me or my kids either. The whole family court process was utterly abusive and traumatic. CAFCASS only worried about his right to see the kids. My ex had physically assaulted my small child. My son told them. I told them. His little sibling told them they had heard it. They still forced me to take the kids to him 3 nights a week where he failed to parent them, failed to protect them, and continued his volatile abusive behaviour. The kids would cry and beg not to go. He actually told them there was a court order that said they had to come to him and make them believe I or they would be put in court if they didn’t go. My eldest is now 14. Hasn’t seen him for 2 years. Hates him. Said to me the other day he feels his childhood was shit, ruined by all of this.

I'm so sorry for you and your children. These are the kind of real life stories that make me so sad. It's hard to believe that anyone in their right mind cannot see how blatantly harmful it is to push contact in these circumstances. 'Best interests of the children' is thrown around like confetti when actually it's more like 'contact at all costs'. I hope your son heals from his experience

OP posts:

Thriwit · 08/04/2023 20:33

My ex abused me for years, I had multiple doctors’ reports verifying what he had done to both me and the children. The CAFCASS officer met him, then told me she didn’t recognise what I was saying about him and he seemed like a very nice man 🙃

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:34

poormanspombears · 08/04/2023 20:29

@SpringMum30

I think in general, all government bodies are just on a box ticking mission with forms designed by people who don't have a need to use them. I meet very few SW's and FSP's who are given the long leash they need to do right by the kids they serve.

They didn't even speak to SS! I should have been shocked but unfortunately wasn't.

I've worked for government and private social services providers and nothing shocks me anymore. Now I work in teen mental health and the amount of kids I meet who are just railroaded by the court system is phenomenally high.

This doesn't surprise me. The system is a mess.

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 08/04/2023 20:35

I agree with you op. And there are some excellent lawyers trying to shout about this too.

I was shocked to find that having been helped and encouraged by police and doctors to escape abuse my children would now been so much more vulnerable.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

And yes I am sure lots of acquaintances and well meaning school staff would love to believe my claims were false because my ex is utterly charming when he wants to be - a picture of wide eyed innocence.

SweetSakura · 08/04/2023 20:37

Gondala · 08/04/2023 20:23

I believe there should be more accountability for judges and cafcass decisions. If a decision means a child is subjected to further abuse when there is clear evidence that this was likely to happen, a judge or cafcaff should be criminally responsible for their part in this.

Agreed. There needs to be some kind of group action against cafcass.

Polik · 08/04/2023 20:37

SweetSakura · 08/04/2023 20:32

What gives you such confidence the claims are false? My ex was very charming with school staff and monstrously abusive towards me and my children behind closed doors.

Show quote history

The child.

Claims of abuse are taken very seriously by schools.

The vast, vast majority of "Mum claims abuse" are not backed up by the voice of the children. Threshold of risk of harm is very rarely met I these cases.

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:38

gogohmm · 08/04/2023 20:32

@Polik

Same experience here, if dads (and it's usually fathers) were banned from seeing their kids based on an allegation of domestic abuse then plenty more women would be willing to make false accusations, it already isn't uncommon. And remember abuse can be the other way around. Bitterness can make both sexes so bad things. I'm not trying to criticise true victims of domestic violence but the courts need to have a higher standard of proof than an accusation before refusing children access to their other parent (and use contact centres in some circumstances)

The problem is within the family court it seems to be the other way around. Allegations of domestic abuse are assumed as false in the first instance. Giving the abuser the upper hand. It's an uphill battle and to try to prove the abuse becomes near impossible.

OP posts:

poormanspombears · 08/04/2023 20:40

@Bepis I'm so sorry that you and your DH went through that.

Men get bashed for not caring enough and for caring too much.
Women are encouraged to 'embellish' and men can't even tell the truth.

The system makes me sick to be honest.

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:40

Thriwit · 08/04/2023 20:33

My ex abused me for years, I had multiple doctors’ reports verifying what he had done to both me and the children. The CAFCASS officer met him, then told me she didn’t recognise what I was saying about him and he seemed like a very nice man 🙃

That's where there is an obvious lack of training. Abusive men (and women in some cases) are very manipulative and charming. They will be nice to whoever can serve a purpose.

OP posts:

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 08/04/2023 20:40

gogohmm · 08/04/2023 20:32

@Polik

Same experience here, if dads (and it's usually fathers) were banned from seeing their kids based on an allegation of domestic abuse then plenty more women would be willing to make false accusations, it already isn't uncommon. And remember abuse can be the other way around. Bitterness can make both sexes so bad things. I'm not trying to criticise true victims of domestic violence but the courts need to have a higher standard of proof than an accusation before refusing children access to their other parent (and use contact centres in some circumstances)

I also work in a school and I see most of the opposite either women unwilling to leave an abusive partner or appeasing them even after separation.

Not to mention the amount of kids that kick off,cry and meltdown on a Friday because it's dad's weekend. The kids asking if we give detention in primary/what do they need to do to get a detention because they don't want to go yet. The kids that never make it back on a Monday , or very late, that are dirty, incredibly tired,hungry,reeking of weed etc. The swearing and shouting. The numerous records of concern, police statements and SS referrals/calls I have to do. All pointless as off they go again the next weekend.

SweetSakura · 08/04/2023 20:41

gogohmm · 08/04/2023 20:32

@Polik

Same experience here, if dads (and it's usually fathers) were banned from seeing their kids based on an allegation of domestic abuse then plenty more women would be willing to make false accusations, it already isn't uncommon. And remember abuse can be the other way around. Bitterness can make both sexes so bad things. I'm not trying to criticise true victims of domestic violence but the courts need to have a higher standard of proof than an accusation before refusing children access to their other parent (and use contact centres in some circumstances)

But in many cases we do have the evidence - I had police reports, medical reports, disclosures from my son to school. Yet cafcass ignored all of that because they were charmed by dad when they met him

In the end my son refused to see his dad because he didn't feel safe and thankfully the sensible judge supported his choice (the cafcass officer was horrible though before court,.getting red faced.and shouting at me "you'd drag him to the dentist if he didn't want to go through!") (Umm, no i'd find a new dentist!).

Polik · 08/04/2023 20:42

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:38

The problem is within the family court it seems to be the other way around. Allegations of domestic abuse are assumed as false in the first instance. Giving the abuser the upper hand. It's an uphill battle and to try to prove the abuse becomes near impossible.

Show quote history

Which goes back to my point. The vast, vast majority of claims are not backed by the voice of the child or any other outward indications of abuse to the child. Which is likely where the assumption comes from.

The answer is for parents to stop using their children as pawns in their own battle.

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:43

SweetSakura · 08/04/2023 20:35

I agree with you op. And there are some excellent lawyers trying to shout about this too.

I was shocked to find that having been helped and encouraged by police and doctors to escape abuse my children would now been so much more vulnerable.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

And yes I am sure lots of acquaintances and well meaning school staff would love to believe my claims were false because my ex is utterly charming when he wants to be - a picture of wide eyed innocence.

I've also heard about some lawyers raising awareness which is very encouraging. I had a male barrister represent me and although he wasn't completely understanding of the failings within the system he was very personally frustrated by the misogyny that exists and obvious abuse of women in the system. Was quite refreshing actually.

OP posts:

Thriwit · 08/04/2023 20:44

MsInsomniac · 08/04/2023 20:26

No one believed me or my kids either. The whole family court process was utterly abusive and traumatic. CAFCASS only worried about his right to see the kids. My ex had physically assaulted my small child. My son told them. I told them. His little sibling told them they had heard it. They still forced me to take the kids to him 3 nights a week where he failed to parent them, failed to protect them, and continued his volatile abusive behaviour. The kids would cry and beg not to go. He actually told them there was a court order that said they had to come to him and make them believe I or they would be put in court if they didn’t go. My eldest is now 14. Hasn’t seen him for 2 years. Hates him. Said to me the other day he feels his childhood was shit, ruined by all of this.

I’m sorry you all went through this. We had similar. My ex physically assaulted our 6 year old son, I told social services, they called the police. The police went to see my ex, he admitted what he had done and they just told him not to do it again, and maybe he should talk to his GP about anger management (of course he didn’t). They still made my kids see him.

We had the same - crying and screaming and hiding because they didn’t want to go. I was told (by cafcass) that I had to do whatever it took to get them to go. They have been utterly traumatised by the entire thing, and there seems to be zero support available for them.
They’re a bit older now and haven’t seen him for nearly a year. They’re still scared he’ll show up one day.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2023 20:44

Polik
I (school safeguarding) deal with more cases of parents trying to restrict their ex access to their children by falsely claiming abuse, than families facing actual ongoing risk of abuse

How do you know the claims are false? How can you know? You do know abuse isn't just physical, don't you?

Part of the issue is society's fawning over good looks, charm, a well modulated voice on tap, and a sob story. Both men and women are susceptible to the fallacy.

Years ago after abuse from an ex which resulted in a police matter, a policewoman actually asked me if I was SURE things were as bad as I said. She'd spoken to him - a handsome man who was charming when he wanted his own way - & she felt sorry for him! Ridiculous. I eventually discovered he'd hit his ex too.

People are stupid and gullible over good looking men - if they're ugly and well built its a different story. I feel sorry for any woman going through the family court process i have some friends who've been through it and it looks to me as if they're being punished for being abused...

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 20:45

Well said OP - I wish more people knew what it was like.

If my DH ever becomes violent towards I wouldn’t say a word to anyone, I’d just leave. I’m thankfully in a position to do so. It no way in hell would I invite the family court system into my life as a DV victim. It’s distressing, insensitive and the system SO misogynistic. Women have to protect their children but also facilitate access to their abuser. They are held to a scarily higher standard than men. And absolutely nobody in power cares

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:45

poormanspombears · 08/04/2023 20:40

@Bepis I'm so sorry that you and your DH went through that.

Men get bashed for not caring enough and for caring too much.
Women are encouraged to 'embellish' and men can't even tell the truth.

The system makes me sick to be honest.

My experience is actually that women are discouraged from speaking about abuse as they are automatically assumed to be lying. There are certain procedures in place when abuse is alleged that make the court process more prolonged and so women are penalised for raising valid concerns

OP posts:

Bepis · 08/04/2023 20:47

poormanspombears · 08/04/2023 20:40

@Bepis I'm so sorry that you and your DH went through that.

Men get bashed for not caring enough and for caring too much.
Women are encouraged to 'embellish' and men can't even tell the truth.

The system makes me sick to be honest.

It makes me sick too if I am honest.

So for a year and a half, DSS told lies to SS saying his dad grabbed his arm and bent it behind him, hurting him. Another time he said his dad went to hit him but my own daughter stopped him. All of this is untrue as I am always at home when DH is there and my adult children were too. So DSS spent a year saying this stuff about his dad (which we are under no illusions came from the mum) and SS believed him.

Then, DH had enough of his son telling lies so told him to tell the truth otherwise it may affect his contact with us all. DSS was then more truthful with the psychologist but then this got turned round that DH was alienating his son from mum. Everything bad DSS was saying about his dad over the 18 months was disregarded.

So essentially, DSS says bad about his dad, it must be true but if he says bad against his mum, then it's down to my husbands manipulation 🙄

AutisticLegoLover · 08/04/2023 20:49

This has been my experience too. 20+ times I had to go to court with my abusive exH. I'd add court appointed psychologists to the gaslighting bastards list too. My abuser now abuses my Dd who the courts says could live with him. Utter fuckwits the lot of them.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 20:49

Polik · 08/04/2023 20:16

I (school safeguarding) deal with more cases of parents trying to restrict their ex access to their children by falsely claiming abuse, than families facing actual ongoing risk of abuse.

When I say more, it's trebel, quadruple type amounts. Not just a few more.

Herein is the problem.

How do you know it’s a false claim? Were you there?

Original poster

SpringMum30 · 08/04/2023 20:50

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 20:45

Well said OP - I wish more people knew what it was like.

If my DH ever becomes violent towards I wouldn’t say a word to anyone, I’d just leave. I’m thankfully in a position to do so. It no way in hell would I invite the family court system into my life as a DV victim. It’s distressing, insensitive and the system SO misogynistic. Women have to protect their children but also facilitate access to their abuser. They are held to a scarily higher standard than men. And absolutely nobody in power cares

You've summed it up in a nutshell. The trauma of the family court system is almost as horrific as fleeing domestic abuse in the first instance.

OP posts:

Bepis · 08/04/2023 20:51

Gondala · 08/04/2023 20:23

I believe there should be more accountability for judges and cafcass decisions. If a decision means a child is subjected to further abuse when there is clear evidence that this was likely to happen, a judge or cafcaff should be criminally responsible for their part in this.

Absolutely agree with this 100%. They can make life changing decisions and yet are not held to account. A recent local story involved a judge ordering a child to go back home to his parents (social had removed him). After returning home upon the order of the court, the child was then murdered. Nothing will happen to the judge though.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 20:51

MsInsomniac · 08/04/2023 20:26

No one believed me or my kids either. The whole family court process was utterly abusive and traumatic. CAFCASS only worried about his right to see the kids. My ex had physically assaulted my small child. My son told them. I told them. His little sibling told them they had heard it. They still forced me to take the kids to him 3 nights a week where he failed to parent them, failed to protect them, and continued his volatile abusive behaviour. The kids would cry and beg not to go. He actually told them there was a court order that said they had to come to him and make them believe I or they would be put in court if they didn’t go. My eldest is now 14. Hasn’t seen him for 2 years. Hates him. Said to me the other day he feels his childhood was shit, ruined by all of this.

I’m so sorry you went through this. Your last sentences are so powerful - why don’t courts consider the effects on children? Why are they pushing children to have shit traumatic childhoods?!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 08/04/2023 20:54

Polik · 08/04/2023 20:37

The child.

Claims of abuse are taken very seriously by schools.

The vast, vast majority of "Mum claims abuse" are not backed up by the voice of the children. Threshold of risk of harm is very rarely met I these cases.

Show quote history

So men can’t abuse women while the children are in bed?

FFS women can’t win. Now they are being blamed for not being abused in front of their children. When in practice they’re probably just trying to shield the kids from what is happening.

And you work in a school. Disgraceful. Do loads of children make false claims too?

poormanspombears · 08/04/2023 20:54

@SpringMum30

Wow, the really sad thing is that that should shock me but nothing does when it comes to the courts anymore. It goes to show that everyone is having equally poor experiences with the courts regardless which party you are.

It's absolutely devastating that people out there are having these experiences and as unfortunately research shows that abused people tend to either stay for kids/money/fear or if they do leave, then likely get in another abusive relationship, it just won't get better because they become stuck in a cycle of being abused by partners then the system that should protect them.