The Family Court Scandal and Abuse

[SpringMum30]

Wasn't sure what to post this under:

Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by authorities to leave their abusers or risk losing their children.

Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by the family courts to coparent with their abusers or risk losing their children.

The family court system is not fit for purpose. Women are re traumatised during proceedings whereby they are forced to face their abuser, are further gaslit by Cafcass and magistrates and forced to push their children into unsafe contact arrangements.

The court want to handle cases as quickly as possible and women are criticised for raising allegations of abuse as this prolongs the court process.

The abuser uses the court to further their abuse through the children and is not held accountable for their harmful and abusive behaviour.

If you can relate to this then I am sorry. The trauma experienced can trigger ptsd, anxiety and depression to name a few. I don’t know how to change the system but in raising awareness and talking about it I hope it’s a move in the right direction for real change.

Sorry, I'm a little confused - you said they were your GC and from your posts it suggests the mother isn't your child? Are you a step GP? Where is the father in this scenario?

This thread is such a hard read. So many harrowing stories.

I don’t want to be the NAMALT apologist, but my brother really wasn’t an abuser, yet virtually lost access to his children. His ex-wife converted to a fundamentalist religion and the marriage broke down as a result. She then told him he would never see his children again and accused him of a catalogue of different sorts of abuse - filing police reports, calling social care, even getting a place in a womens refuge despite my brother packing up his stuff to move out and leave their apartment for her and the children

She would literally make an allegation, there would be no evidence / social care and police NFA / kids didn’t corroborate stories etc. So she would then suddenly pull up a new (formerly not mentioned) type of abuse. And on and on it went. No professionals ever challenged her madness. Meanwhile DB had phone contact only with two of his children, and a few hours a week supervised contact with one child, for almost 3 years.

At the point he was in an hospice with terminal cancer, the children’s school reported his ex to social care for suspected fabricating childhood illness (Munchausen’s in old money). The children were put on a CP plan and suddenly all the professionals were concerned that she had been abusing the children, was mentally ill, the children were traumatised etc. no shit Sherlock. But too late for the children to say goodbye to their father, who had fought tooth and nail to see them (was on the phone to his solicitor three days before he died l from his hospice bed).

I think the issue with the courts and CAFCASS seems to be that they don’t deal with manipulative, abusive people well. More of those people are men, so women are disproportionately affected. Psycho abusers, rapists, violent men are given the benefit of the doubt around vulnerable children, and that shouldn’t happen.

However, there are dangerous women out there - in smaller numbers, I’m sure - and the children ultimately suffer in ALL of these scenarios.

I will never forget the CAFCASS social worker calling my brother in hospital two days before he died apologising for the previous CAFCASS’s shoddy reporting to the courts and essentially saying sue believed him now.

Too late. Thanks for noticing.

Thank you for this thread OP. Absolutely agree. We spent over 7 years going through the Courts. We had what I thought was a spectacular amount of evidence of abuse including witnesses to attacks, witnesses to bruises and (large) bite marks, repeated statements from child, Police reports etc etc. X admitted to drug and alcohol dependency in Court. The Courts didn't care. They really didn't care. They moved mountains to discount the (witness) evidence of independent sources, choosing instead to rely on ex's mum who was caught lying on the stand. I am beyond appalled. DD is now 16. Has refused to see her dad for years but still bears the scars of the many physical and mental assaults she has endured. We need child safeguarding to be prioritised over fathers' rights.

That should have read Thanks for NOTHING

I'm sorry for you and your DD's experiences 😔 you summed it up in a nutshell: 'We need child safeguarding to be prioritised over fathers' rights.' 👏🏽

This is exactly what we're dealing with (aside from the terminal cancer thankfully, my condolences).

She has a diagnosed personality disorder, there have been repeated concerns of prolonged periods of emotional abuse, neglect, FII, but keep hitting a constant wall of "she's mum" claims from her off abuse towards my husband that have repeatedly been found to fabricated (not just lack of evidence) and we are completely unable to provide any of our evidence (of the concerns from professionals, medical issues, school issues, evidence of her personality disorder) as funnily enough, her and her solicitor won't agree to it because it looks bad for them and the court won't order anything they disagree on!

Can you imagine if criminal cases worked that way? No mr prosecutor, you can't provide dna evidence because the accused think it will make them look guilty...

It's an absolute sham.

@JustDudeIt I am so sorry for your poor brother and his kids.

I think what we need is children's rights to be prioritised over parents rights.

MeliaLane · 09/04/2023 15:59
I said ‘step son’. I am not his mum.

As far as DGC’s, these LO’s do not make the distinction between DGP and a step DGP.

I met my step son whilst he was an adult. I can be much more objective about him and his relationship.

PP’s asked about him. He has been denied access to his DC. As written about above, his EXW, lots of delaying, lots of last minute new claims, lots of new reporting needed, at one point she was told by the court that she was in danger of having residency awarded fully to DGC’s dad if she didn't sort herself out.

However, due to the delays, eventually it was found that the status quo should remain, that DGC had spent nearly three years without access to DF and it was too disruptive for this to be changed.
DGC has lost his DF and all associated family.

I'm so sorry and horrified to hear of people's experiences and my heart goes out to you and your children for your trauma and suffering. It's heartbreaking how children's needs are ignored and how the courts sanction and perpetuate abuse.
At what age do the kids need to be for courts to stop forcing them to have damaging contact with abusive parents again their wishes? I'm about to taken to court by my abusive (but utterly charming) ex over contact with DS aged 14. Having read this thread and others, I'm now scared. Do kids gets to escape the court sanctioned abuse once they become teens?

I believe that once they're into their teens they have a huge say. You just have to be careful not to give the impression you've swayed his thinking - they're so quick to accuse of parental alienation for so much as sneezing in the wrong direction.

Coming from an EU country and going through divorce in England I had the opportunity to compare legal systems and can say English law is 50 years behind in regards to women welfare and children rights. Stories you read on papers and threads like this really show how backward it is and many people don't realise. DV happens everywhere in the world but here it hardly makes the news, no wonder other EU countries get the bad rep just for exposing it. And the poor children forced to live through the 50/50 arrangements like nomads to please their parents? If that is their best interest!!

That's really interesting @cato40 I would genuinely love to hear more about how they do it better.

Absolutely harrowing isn’t it? Social services who are meant to protect and safeguard children forcing parents to send the child back to the abuser - something is very very wrong with the system. Someone up thread mentioned class action? Also I wonder if a child could sue social services for not protecting them as a child? The damage these abusers cause children is life long. This would make them think.

What a sad thread. I feel.for everyone. 💐💐💐

CAFCASS did a shocking job with a report recently - factual mistakes everywhere and overall, a light touch. They ignored so much evidence that I showed them.

I replied straightaway to the CAFCASS advisor who didn't amend the report, so I logged a formal complaint. That acknowledged that she had made lots of mistakes around the years of events and other facts but it largely lifted up a carpet, swept the issues underneath it and said 'sort it out in court.' It also said if I wasn't happy to go to a local MP or Obdsuman (spelling?)

Has anyone got any advice about complaining to these people? Thanks

I also saw the option to go to an MP if unhappy with the outcome. I know the local MP personally, in the borough I live, so will definitely be going down this route if I need to

And how exactly do you know that?

I have experience of Cafcass complaints. After final hearing, I received a registered letter stating that my case was one of 6 to be reinvestigated for issues I had raised. I was assigned a senior worker. I thought the guardian may receive some kind of disciplinary until I received an email which was not intended for me.

My email began with the same initials as one of the most senior cafcass workers at the time and was sent in error. It made interesting reading. They discussed how they would refer to criticism of me by the first Judge but not a more supportive second judge who amended the order. They felt the second Judge had no right to overturn an order made by a more senior Circuit Judge indicating the opposite of what Cafcass had told me. They also discussed their fear of how far I would take matters. They simply cannot be trusted.

As for the age when a child can made their own decision, during his last two years of contact my gs simply hated going. I did not want to end up back in family court, so persuaded him to suck it up for the remaining amount of time rather than causing stress during his gcses. Tbh, he never spent the full weekend there anymore as there was conflict between them.

BUT when he got to 16 that was that as far as gs was concerned. He refused to go or see them ever again. That was four years ago. He tells me that he felt his childhood was blighted by miserable enforced contact. He said it was like he was forced to spend a weekend with randoms. Those are the words of a child who has been through the system.

I'm actually not surprised with your findings because there has been story after story of Cafcass failings and this makes complete sense. That just motivates me to make sure I take it as far as it will go. They have to be held accountable. I'm sorry for your gs it's children like him that we are fighting for x

There is a very good reason CAFCASS - as I am sure was the case based on historical reasons - was not one of the official stakeholders consulted in the first tranche of the new DA Bill legislation.

they are an absolute fiasco form start to finish.
still they’ve published another of their redundant toolkits as you do.
https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/2021/06/17/cafcass-publishes-new-domestic-abuse-learning-and-improvement-plan/

I quote from their defensive 2020 press release on the fact they were not in fact consulted on the MoJ report “Harm in the Family Courts”

“ CAFCASS was not invited to be a member of the Panel and we do not agree that the criticisms in the report reflect our current practice. But our task now is to learn from this feedback and to work collaboratively with families and specialist organisations to provide support that is considered more effective and which clearly promotes the safety and welfare of children at all times.”

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/2020/06/25/cafcass-responds-to-the-publication-of-the-report-from-the-ministry-of-justice-expert-panel-on-harm-in-the-family-courts/

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/jul/28/twisted-priorities-mean-cafcass-has-failed-to-protect-children-from-abusive-parents

Hello. Is anyone still responding on here? I have a story but don't want to out myself here unless it's going to be read by people who have engaged in the thread.

I'm still here x

The message there is worse than you think. It's basically that once the relationship is finished the father will cease his behaviour, which was a symptom of (in my case) a troubled marriage.

They're saying it's us making the men abusive and once they're away from us that will stop.

Hello @SpringMum30

thank you for making this post. I hope your family are doing much better now. I've been reading through all the replies.

My husband moved in with me and my baby when she was 1.5. I had just escaped an attempt on my life by my daughter's father.
He later told me how he would look at pictures of us on social media (we knew one another and were facebook friends) and that he wanted to have me and my daughter instead of my ex, who he could tell was a wrongun (not much argument there)

So he actively pursued us both but I only found that out later. My daughter and I got socially housed, and were settling in when he came over to my house for a gatherind and we kissed.

We began seeing one another, my baby was there, and he was so so overly amazing with her, and I thought it was a good thing.

He spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds on my daughter from day one. I could never dream of spending that much, and it's also not really my way to shower children with material gifts.

His parents actually brought all his things to my home and I felt pressured to let him live there. Then he and his parents told me I should sign a will giving them care of my baby in case something happened to me, and they all said I should call them grandparents and him dad. I was uncomfortable, but his parents' investment also made me feel silly for thinking it was too much.

It wasn't long before my own parents took offense at his parents putting their 'grandchild' all over social media. My ex began giving my child to his parents and spending the day forcing me to perform sex acts and making me feel really stupid for not wanting to do certain things.

Cut a long story short I eventually chucked him out when he suddenly converted to Islam and began saying he would be taking my daughter to Dubai with him where she would live in luxury, instead of in poverty with me, and told me Allah did not recognise our marriage anymore and we were no longer married, this made me incredibly fearful for my life as he seemed to detest me anyway, and the only thing keeping me safe was his promise of how much he loved me, now he was saying that wasn't even the case anymore. It was so bizarre, I locked the doors. His parents took him in and stonewalled me as to his weird behaviour.

I went to police who shared all my concerns but told me 'you got out just in time' and assured me all was well as he was gone and I had done the right thing. I disclosed the things my daugther began to tell me about what he had done, hurt her, laid down on her and refused to get off, she said she cried, she even said he held our cat under water. Nothing could be done as there were definitive timings or dates available. but again they shared my concern.

A family court judge overturned all these concerns and have basically told me I should look to sit down with my ex and become friends again.

they've ordered my daughter to go with him every weekend on Sundays unsupervised.

Now she has an overnight too. And I've been told he will get equal access as is his right, and that he must be devastated not seeing my daughter like he used to, even though he was increasingly isolated in our bedroom masturbating to porn all day long by the time I eventually chucked him out. The conversion to Islam was even more scary as he began burning himself with a lighter and saying he had been sinful and wished to wash away his sins. He began saying homophobic things and more things about women's place in the home.

This is an extremely shortened version of what is going on.

The court is right about one thing though; that he is the only father my child has known, and to have him removed from her life may have not been the best thing long term. This is the very reason I never left him before. It's not like I don't realise this.

Despite what she told me, she enjoys the contact with him at his parents', she's young, and they buy her new things every second of every day, it used to suffocate me.

Unfortunately each time I have to interact with him I have a panic attack, so I'm looking into ways to cope with this, but I feel like it's taking a huge toll on my body physically, and mentally the only thing I can think to do is use medications.

So sorry you've had such a horrible
experience. I still find it hard to comprehend how the Family Courts come to such harmful and irresponsible conclusions.

I just wanted to share some things that have worked for me. Firstly I've started counselling with a charity for women who have been victims of DV. It's been very validating as the counsellors are well trained and informed.

We can't control their behaviour unfortunately but we can control how we treat ourselves. Journaling, self care, mindfulness, cultivating good friendships etc have all been really beneficial for me.

Regarding communication there are lots of videos on YouTube about 'coparenting with a Narcissist'. Just a few highlights, taking time to respond to messages so they are not reactive, being to the point and not over explaining yourself, having a neutral tone and not being drawn in to arguments.

My ex is still always up to no good behind the scenes but learning to communicate this way means our conversations are no longer confrontational and there is a lot less stress as a result.

Focus on you and the new life you can have away from him. I hope some of this helps and wish you well. 🙏🏽