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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL refusing to take the children for our honeymoon.

169 replies

Mamacita7 · 08/04/2023 19:25

Just want to preface this by making it clear I didn’t ask her to take the children, she offered.
We get married in July this year. We have two daughters who will be 9 & 6 then. My MIL very kindly offered to take the girls so we could get away by ourselves after the wedding. She has only ever had them over night once and if I’m honest I didn’t think she would actually take them. We holiday with them every year to a place in Scotland and have done since the eldest was born. We get separate apartments and I stay with the children when they go to bed to allow my fiancé and his dad some quality time at night.
About three weeks ago my fiancé informs us all that he has booked a luxury apartment in said place costing £££ for them and the girls to go away a week after the wedding. This allows us time to maybe get a few days away and join them during the rest of the week. His mother loses her mind. She tells him that he should have discussed it with her and that it is unreasonable of us to expect her to drive them up there. She was shouting at him. For context, it’s a two hour drive and we hadn’t discussed who was taking them. We have a people carrier so would have taken them all up. I am upset at the way she spoke to him and it’s the final nail in the coffin. She’s made some snippy comments about the wedding which we are fully paying for.
Cut to this week and she messaged him to ask that we go early to collect the children’s Easter eggs because they are going to aforementioned holiday destination, and she is driving up.
Am I right to be annoyed at her? Should I start the discussion or just leave it?

OP posts:
ElleMD80 · 09/04/2023 18:59

JediNinja · 09/04/2023 18:50

I completely understand your MIL's frustration. If she has only looked after them for a single night, a few nights away from her home in a place she doesn't know would be quite stressful. I assume that's why she has gone up now to check it out.
She's not used to look after kids overnight anymore so she might be worried about safety, how easy it's to open the doors, are there pools around, can they wander off, how safe is this place, etc.
She will have to plan all meals and snacks in advance to stock the fridge, instead of relying on her own cupboard and freezer.
She might stress about kids staining or breaking things in a place that require deposits and full cleans before you leave.
It's not her house. The dynamics of being away might be too much. Her DH might be one of those who will turn on the "I'm on holiday" switch and leave absolutely everything to her, whilst at home there might be a routine established (bins, dishwashers, etc) that feels more than sharing. They might have planned to have friends with kids/grandkids over to help entertain and trips to local parts or places they like to visit. More of a bond with your children than having to now organise proper activities. It's more work.
They might have some new condition you know nothing about and either want to be at home near their GP, or they get super exhausted and planned to take turns resting at home, or want their things and comforts.
They might have some friend quite ill and always thought they would be sitting at home, so if anything happened one of them could and help. A hundred of possibilities that show that you did not consider them because you never asked. It looks like you wanted your children to have a nice holiday too and spend together some of your honeymoon, so you booked them where you liked and they are effectively taking them on holidays for you until you join them. You should have given them a choice.

While the thought it's lovely, I understand the panic. You clearly hit a nerve over worries that have just increased if having to go to a different part of the country. I understand why she's now gone up to check it. It's the equivalent of me saying to a friend "yes, I'll arrange a sleepover with your kid so you can have a date night" and then the friend arranging a hotel for me and the kids somewhere else that I have to drive to, I mean, wtf. I would have offered in the assumption that it was going to be with my terms. She/they must have already planned things to do, people to invite over, places to show. You have made it difficult

You are being overly kind. I can assure you this has nothing to do with panic over not having cared for kids since ages ago. The basics do not change. Plus, he booked the expensive option at the place they holiday évery year. They know full well what it is like there!

WunWun · 09/04/2023 19:03

ElleMD80 · 09/04/2023 18:59

You are being overly kind. I can assure you this has nothing to do with panic over not having cared for kids since ages ago. The basics do not change. Plus, he booked the expensive option at the place they holiday évery year. They know full well what it is like there!

Show quote history

Are you the OP?

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 19:04

What's wrong with people communicating normally.

I've booked you a holiday!
Oh no, honestly I'd rather look after the kids at home as we aren't used to having them it would feel more manageable
Oh right no problem, I should really have asked but I thought it would be a surprise, D'oh!
No worries son.
<FIN>

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 19:05

Why I don't think the OP is partic out of order and I'm not her. Who are you, his
Mum? 🥴

WunWun · 09/04/2023 19:07

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 19:05

Why I don't think the OP is partic out of order and I'm not her. Who are you, his
Mum? 🥴

This thread has got really weird, what are you talking about?

readbooksdrinktea · 09/04/2023 19:10

What a goady title. YABVU to book a 'holiday' for her without asking. Who the hell does that?

T1Dmama · 09/04/2023 19:58

Change the plans. You go on the luxury holiday with your children after the wedding (don’t involve the inlaws)… and instead ask MIL to have the kids for two days leading up the wedding so you can both have a chilled day & night somewhere lovely in the lead up to your big day.
simply get him to ask if she’s happy to have them somewhen so you can get away, and say as she doesn’t want to go on holiday you’ll go with the kids instead and if her very kind offer still stands you’ll go away alone for a night another time

JediNinja · 09/04/2023 20:17

ElleMD80 · 09/04/2023 18:59

You are being overly kind. I can assure you this has nothing to do with panic over not having cared for kids since ages ago. The basics do not change. Plus, he booked the expensive option at the place they holiday évery year. They know full well what it is like there!

Show quote history

Ok, re-read the OP. I thought it was just OP who holidayed there. However, that the MIL knows what the place looks like doesn't mean that she's comfortable looking after the children there. It's not about "the basics", which could be easily met at one's home, with one's stuff, where you know where the nearest doctor is, the pharmacy, or can ask NDN to help you with something if needed. I have children, I know the basics, but if I had offered to have someone's children at mine, I would not be happy about having to look after them all of a sudden in a place far away that it's part of an apartment complex. It's a place 2h away and this apartment is flashier (£££). It might have a hot tub, or a comunal pool, and that's another thing to worry about if you are not used to having kids around. Having to keep an eye on them constantly, finding entertainment, stock a full pantry and fridge for meals, snacks, and what not or bringing all that from home. Being the first time she looks after them for more than a night, the PIL should have been given the choice and not being imposed this. It's very controlling and if this were about a GF and not a MIL, the answers would be different: " my bf has a family wedding and I offered to look after his dog whilst he's away. I was looking forward to go to local parks and introduce Ddog to the local dog walkers, some of which are my friends. I have never sitted a dog for more than a few hours and I was worried but I think my friends could help. My bf has now said that he's booked a place 2h away for me and Ddog to wait for him instead. It's a lovely place but I won't know anyone to walk the dog with and I rather do this in the comfort of my home with my own stuff and people to help nearby. AIBU to want to do it on my terms? He's getting mad that I don't want to go to this holiday place"

Butterfly44 · 09/04/2023 20:26

What?
If I offer to look after grandkids it's at my home. I would be very annoyed to be told somewhere else has been booked.

Ktime · 09/04/2023 20:31

JediNinja · 09/04/2023 20:17

Ok, re-read the OP. I thought it was just OP who holidayed there. However, that the MIL knows what the place looks like doesn't mean that she's comfortable looking after the children there. It's not about "the basics", which could be easily met at one's home, with one's stuff, where you know where the nearest doctor is, the pharmacy, or can ask NDN to help you with something if needed. I have children, I know the basics, but if I had offered to have someone's children at mine, I would not be happy about having to look after them all of a sudden in a place far away that it's part of an apartment complex. It's a place 2h away and this apartment is flashier (£££). It might have a hot tub, or a comunal pool, and that's another thing to worry about if you are not used to having kids around. Having to keep an eye on them constantly, finding entertainment, stock a full pantry and fridge for meals, snacks, and what not or bringing all that from home. Being the first time she looks after them for more than a night, the PIL should have been given the choice and not being imposed this. It's very controlling and if this were about a GF and not a MIL, the answers would be different: " my bf has a family wedding and I offered to look after his dog whilst he's away. I was looking forward to go to local parks and introduce Ddog to the local dog walkers, some of which are my friends. I have never sitted a dog for more than a few hours and I was worried but I think my friends could help. My bf has now said that he's booked a place 2h away for me and Ddog to wait for him instead. It's a lovely place but I won't know anyone to walk the dog with and I rather do this in the comfort of my home with my own stuff and people to help nearby. AIBU to want to do it on my terms? He's getting mad that I don't want to go to this holiday place"

Show quote history

PIL don’t just know ‘what the place looks like’. They holiday in an apartment there every year with their son and his family.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 20:33

PIL don’t just know ‘what the place looks like’. They holiday in an apartment there every year with their son and his family.
So what? They don't want to take the children on holiday by themselves.
Particularly when presented as a fait accompli.

Ktime · 09/04/2023 20:36

@ReadersD1gest I”m responding to a poster who PIL who seems to be saying PIL just know what the place looks like. I didn’t say they have to take the children on holiday there. I did say that DH should have talked to them.

ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 20:36

Ktime · 09/04/2023 20:36

@ReadersD1gest I”m responding to a poster who PIL who seems to be saying PIL just know what the place looks like. I didn’t say they have to take the children on holiday there. I did say that DH should have talked to them.

Ok.

H007 · 09/04/2023 20:44

YABU if I offered to look after someone’s children I would have my own plans for what this would look like. While it’s a nice thought he 100% should have consulted. She was totally right to lose her mind. She may have plans for that week already.

cromanko1 · 09/04/2023 20:51

I think this is btwn your husband and his mom. He really should have discussed this with her, before booking.
Put yourself in her position

Zazazoolly · 09/04/2023 20:56

As a grandmother myself, I would 100% prefer to mind them at home and have DS book a week away for myself and DH to recover! Or even a weekend.

jobie70 · 09/04/2023 21:12

Are your kids not part of your marriage? Why aren't you taking them with you? Parents who dump kids Cus they want their own life wazz me right off.. no wonder families are in a Damn mess today

WunWun · 09/04/2023 21:55

jobie70 · 09/04/2023 21:12

Are your kids not part of your marriage? Why aren't you taking them with you? Parents who dump kids Cus they want their own life wazz me right off.. no wonder families are in a Damn mess today

Oh shut up for fucks sake. It's their honeymoon and they're hardly babies.

thegrain · 09/04/2023 21:57

jobie70 · 09/04/2023 21:12

Are your kids not part of your marriage? Why aren't you taking them with you? Parents who dump kids Cus they want their own life wazz me right off.. no wonder families are in a Damn mess today

No the kids aren't part of the marriage? That's why they get no say in it

DashboardConfessional · 09/04/2023 22:03

No, kids are not part of a marriage. That's why you are (in theory) still co-parents if you divorce.

Just to blow your tiny mind, sometimes DH and I go to the cinema or out for a meal without DS. I know, right. Child cruelty.

Complexneedsmum · 10/04/2023 06:53

Ok maybe he should have asked but he was trying to be kind by surprising them and asking them to be part of your special holiday. It’s not like it’s not something you don’t do regularly.
she could have just said no I don’t feel comfortable traveling on my own that distance, I would rather look after the girls but thank you for thinking of me.
i guess what your annoyed about more is the build up of snippy comments, lack of previous support and over reaction to this than her saying no though?

LoisLane66 · 10/04/2023 07:45

Didn't you or your fiance mention to her that she OFFERED to take them? You said so in the first few sentences of your post You then say she went mad at her son for not checking with her before booking the apartment. Doesn't the date suit her?
Oh boy! Am I glad I had none of that with my in-laws as they live in Australia and we and they rarely visited.

RachyKF · 10/04/2023 08:34

Are you being unreasonable? Yes!
She has kindly offered to look after your children so you can have a honeymoon and bought your children Easter eggs and all you can do is moan because she got upset when you decided she’ll be looking after your children in Scotland without even asking her. She has every right to be upset about that and if I was her I’d be withdrawing my offer.

angela99999 · 10/04/2023 11:11

duvetcovereddissident · 08/04/2023 19:32

I agree, if she has offered take the children, she probably planned to do it in her own home. It is a very different thing being responsible for two children on holiday somewhere. I would have been very upset too.

Yes, I'm a GM and do look after my GC when their parents are away, normally in their home or ours. It's much harder to do it away from home without their normal kit and routine.
I've done it once, with a baby GD when her mother was in hospital and we had to go away to a funeral. It was very hard work compared with looking after them at home, not at all the treat that the OP wrongly imagines it to be.

angela99999 · 10/04/2023 11:14

Zazazoolly · 09/04/2023 20:56

As a grandmother myself, I would 100% prefer to mind them at home and have DS book a week away for myself and DH to recover! Or even a weekend.

This certainly sounds like a much better idea. Though whether I'd want to drive all the way to Scotland is unlikely.