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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL refusing to take the children for our honeymoon.

169 replies

Mamacita7 · 08/04/2023 19:25

Just want to preface this by making it clear I didn’t ask her to take the children, she offered.
We get married in July this year. We have two daughters who will be 9 & 6 then. My MIL very kindly offered to take the girls so we could get away by ourselves after the wedding. She has only ever had them over night once and if I’m honest I didn’t think she would actually take them. We holiday with them every year to a place in Scotland and have done since the eldest was born. We get separate apartments and I stay with the children when they go to bed to allow my fiancé and his dad some quality time at night.
About three weeks ago my fiancé informs us all that he has booked a luxury apartment in said place costing £££ for them and the girls to go away a week after the wedding. This allows us time to maybe get a few days away and join them during the rest of the week. His mother loses her mind. She tells him that he should have discussed it with her and that it is unreasonable of us to expect her to drive them up there. She was shouting at him. For context, it’s a two hour drive and we hadn’t discussed who was taking them. We have a people carrier so would have taken them all up. I am upset at the way she spoke to him and it’s the final nail in the coffin. She’s made some snippy comments about the wedding which we are fully paying for.
Cut to this week and she messaged him to ask that we go early to collect the children’s Easter eggs because they are going to aforementioned holiday destination, and she is driving up.
Am I right to be annoyed at her? Should I start the discussion or just leave it?

OP posts:
HappyFreddie · 09/04/2023 01:41

If my son presented this plan to me, I'd shout, too! He might have thought it was a nice thing to do (possibly because he always has a nice time with his Dad at that venue 🙄) but it's actually an outrageous presumption that his mother will want to do that. It would definitely be much harder work for her, apart from anything else. I don't care how lovely the accommodation is, going away with children is hard work, and if those children aren't your own it's even harder.
Your fiance (and you) should apologise fulsomely, admit you got it wrong and ask if you can draw a line under it. If you can't get a refund on the accommodation, either have your honeymoon there or suck it up.
YABU.

MyLoveIsYourLove0xO · 09/04/2023 02:03

Yabvu

sashh · 09/04/2023 02:18

You MIL was probably planning things to do with the girls, show them off to her friends maybe, but staying in her own home.

Not only has your partner booked a holiday but a 'luxury' apartment, usually luxury means 'not child friendly' and it's hardly a holiday for her if she is looking after two children.

Topseyt123 · 09/04/2023 03:25

I can absolutely see why MIL is upset. I would be too.

You and your partner were absolute idiots for not discussing this with her and then expecting her to be delighted with it.

She was probably happy to look after the kids in her own house, not taking on the rigmarole of going away with them.

I think I would probably shout too. What a ridiculous thing to do, and presumptuous too.

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2023 06:05

Surely you should have asked her if that’s what she wanted to do first before booking it?

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/04/2023 08:03

They may well have commitments at home and were planning for one of them to take the children at points while the other did something. Your DH has made a big assumption.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/04/2023 08:06

Doubt the OP will be back

LIZS · 09/04/2023 08:50

Title is disingenuous. Mil had agreed but you changed the plan. It might have been with good intentions but you should have asked first.

Testina · 09/04/2023 08:57

You turned an easy low key week of babysitting at home (yours or hers) into a holiday with over excited children, with high expectations. Also taking away her possibilities to just get on with her own life during that week. Whatever issues you have with her, it was starting it rude to just book that!

Werehalfwaythere · 09/04/2023 09:00

YABU for booking something without asking the first. I find that controlling.

YANBU to hope she'd have them without issue given their ages are pretty easy and it's your wedding.

ZirihePevzig · 09/04/2023 09:00

Yeah what everyone else said.

Your MIL is right to be annoyed and is owed a fulsome apology.

Cancel the holiday that was booked without consultation. You may have to keep the money with them as credit towards a future booking rather than getting a refund, subject to Ts&Cs.

Sort out a different plan for your honeymoon that doesn't involve your PIL and in future don't make plans on their behalf without consulting them.

Runnerduck34 · 09/04/2023 09:27

Have you got a honeymoon arranged? It sounds like DH has booked a holiday for his mum and your DC and you are spending your honeymoon at home?
That is odd, I expect your mum thought you were going away on honeymoon and she'd stay at home with the kids.
DP probably meant well and wanted to treat his mum as a thank you but Id be peed off not to get a honeymoon! Especially when childcare was arranged.
I'd be fuming DP booked something for his mum and not for us🤣
The simplest thing is to swap, you go on the holiday for your honeymoon, DMIL stays at home, that's probably what she was expecting. DP should have asked her first tbh but her reaction should have been calmer, perhaps she thought she was offering childcare so YOU could go away on honeymoon and now shes thinking whats the point, your staying at home and its just making my life harder?
I hope you get it sorted OP

WunWun · 09/04/2023 09:30

You shouldn't have booked without asking her first. It's unfair to presume that because you've thrown money at something that you would have liked that she would. Maybe she would just feel more comfortable looking after them at her home. Maybe she has anxiety about travel/being away and looking after kids at the same time would be too much.

You are absolutely unreasonable to be pissed off with her over it.

EyesOnThePies · 09/04/2023 09:36

I don’t really follow your OP.

Has she now withdrawn the offer to have the children at all?

Ineedaduvetday · 09/04/2023 17:02

DrMarciaFieldstone · 09/04/2023 08:06

Doubt the OP will be back

Agree

Yayhelen · 09/04/2023 18:03

YABU

You should have consulted with them before booking including checking dates and accommodation suited them.

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 18:03

It was a nice gesture for him to book he favourite holiday destination for a treat. Surely all she needed to say was I don't feel comfortable with taking them away on my own if sooner have them at my house and one of the breaks is rearranged.

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 18:07

Yes I would be annoyed with her actually if I was your DH becusee there is no need to be shouting over it. A fulsome apology? No way.

I would keep out of it and let them sort it o it between them but I can't see what he's done that's so hideously wrong. No he seems to have misjudged that she would like to have gone but is there any need for the drama? No.

I know grandparents aren't compelled to provide childcare and if you so much as dare ask on here you get your arse handed to you, but with the absence of a backstory I think it's really mean not to have them for you just once for a honey moon. And I'm saying that as someone who's never had any help whatsoever.

Darkstar4855 · 09/04/2023 18:17

You are getting mad at the wrong person here. Your partner needs to apologise to his mum and have a proper conversation about what would work best for her and what she’s willing to do.

Doggate1 · 09/04/2023 18:27

You are completely annoyed at the wrong person here. I would be fuming! It is so hard to look after children in someone else’s space… a holiday cottage. Entirely different in your own home etc.
you both sound very selfish and self-absorbed

Ktime · 09/04/2023 18:41

We holiday with them every year to a place in Scotland and have done since the eldest was born.

DH should have spoken to her first, but her reaction is OTT.

I’d be stopping the annual holidays with them now.

ElleMD80 · 09/04/2023 18:44

MIL only ever had the girls overnight once and these children are SIX and NINE. Whilst it is quite rude to book an away for someone without talking about it, certainly when it is not a vacation-vacation but including childcare, the big mistake of the parents here is after nine years still thinking a grandparent might be, you know, a grandparent. Taking those kids so the parents have a small (smáll) honeymoon, would have been kind and evidently the in-laws don’t extend that kindness both ways (they gladly accept OP staying with the kids so FIL has quality time with his adult son).
The only genuine mistake here is that: the grandparents don’t particularly want to be ‘those’ types of gp’s. Now, I absolutely admit that you cannot expect people in the role of grandparent to give up any given percentage of their life when grandchildren arrive. They did their raising, nobody has the right to demand more. But it does irk me that you can bet your wages that these grandparents are having all their friends believing that they are involved and important. I am speaking as someone whose own mother and both in-laws refused to even occupy my two sons for half an hour (30 minutes!) so I could eat something at our own wedding. But according to their friends, these people taught my boys how to ride bikes, tie shoes, read books. It’s total BS, they spend nó time because they ‘have other stuff to do’. So, I agree booking the break was a mistake but only in that the older set of parents clearly never wanted to be too involved.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/04/2023 18:46

So she says "I'll have the kids whilst you get away" and instead your partner books HER a trip with the kids and you pair night go away or might join them later on!? So nothing like she agreed to

JediNinja · 09/04/2023 18:50

I completely understand your MIL's frustration. If she has only looked after them for a single night, a few nights away from her home in a place she doesn't know would be quite stressful. I assume that's why she has gone up now to check it out.
She's not used to look after kids overnight anymore so she might be worried about safety, how easy it's to open the doors, are there pools around, can they wander off, how safe is this place, etc.
She will have to plan all meals and snacks in advance to stock the fridge, instead of relying on her own cupboard and freezer.
She might stress about kids staining or breaking things in a place that require deposits and full cleans before you leave.
It's not her house. The dynamics of being away might be too much. Her DH might be one of those who will turn on the "I'm on holiday" switch and leave absolutely everything to her, whilst at home there might be a routine established (bins, dishwashers, etc) that feels more than sharing. They might have planned to have friends with kids/grandkids over to help entertain and trips to local parts or places they like to visit. More of a bond with your children than having to now organise proper activities. It's more work.
They might have some new condition you know nothing about and either want to be at home near their GP, or they get super exhausted and planned to take turns resting at home, or want their things and comforts.
They might have some friend quite ill and always thought they would be sitting at home, so if anything happened one of them could and help. A hundred of possibilities that show that you did not consider them because you never asked. It looks like you wanted your children to have a nice holiday too and spend together some of your honeymoon, so you booked them where you liked and they are effectively taking them on holidays for you until you join them. You should have given them a choice.

While the thought it's lovely, I understand the panic. You clearly hit a nerve over worries that have just increased if having to go to a different part of the country. I understand why she's now gone up to check it. It's the equivalent of me saying to a friend "yes, I'll arrange a sleepover with your kid so you can have a date night" and then the friend arranging a hotel for me and the kids somewhere else that I have to drive to, I mean, wtf. I would have offered in the assumption that it was going to be with my terms. She/they must have already planned things to do, people to invite over, places to show. You have made it difficult

HauntedPencil · 09/04/2023 18:51

Why do they sound selfish? They were going to look after them at their home which would have cost him nothing and he's spend a lot of money to book them a break presumably thinking it would be a nice well received treat? Ok, they didn't want it but shouting and going mad and people calling him self absorbed it really quite weird.

Mumsnet eh.