DD’s Birthday plans and husband in mood another year running!

[CookieMonsterMummy]

Took kids bowling to a new place where we recently moved to and I commented how nice it would be to have DD’s upcoming party there in the summer. DH got in a mood again - very obvious when he’s in a mood as he sulks and goes all quiet and gets passive aggressive. I’m really proud of myself as I didn’t react I just asked him what was wrong several times but no response. I tried to reason with him and asked if we could discuss this like adults but again no response. He did respond finally with “I don’t give a fuck about her party” and then we got to the actual truth: “it’s because of your bitch sister”. I explained of course she will be invited as we have had an invite for all 3 of her kids parties even before we had our own kids.

beyond the age of 2 I haven’t invited his sisters to any of the parties because we have no relationship with them. Our kids also have zero relationship with his sisters - their choice as they don’t bother with us whereas my sister and her kids are very close with my kids so their only cousins essentially who they have any relationship with. I have another sibling who also won’t be invited but just due to the fact her kids are older and my kids don’t really play with them. Other than that I have a good relationship with my other sibling and see them often.

also not to drip feed it was always myself who made any effort with his sisters but during lockdown they didn’t even once get in contact which made me realise it’s always me so just left it to see if they would initiate contact and result is we haven’t spoken for over 3 years! Every party they have attended they ignore me and my kids. Both of the sisters sit in their phones and their kids on their own devices only one of the BIL make any effort to interact with other guests and make polite conversation but they ignore me!

DH doesn’t see his sisters ever and doesn’t desire to either, they live 30 minutes away and visit his mum once a year who lives 2 minutes away from us.

sorry for the long post and I can’t really express the dysfunction of his family relations properly but feels like he only remembers he has sisters when I start planning the kids birthdays! His own 40th came up and not one sibling phoned to say happy birthday however my “bitch sister” (his words) sent him a card and whisky bottle plus she phoned up. His reaction - “she didn’t need to”.

I can’t live like this anymore. The whole atmosphere will be changed with his sisters there, plus the kids have no idea who they are and most importantly they don’t actually want to come they’ve made it obvious the years they have been invited. Also awkward if they kick off as DD has started a new school so it will get whole class party with people I don’t even know yet! I don’t want to keep feeling anxious that his sisters will kick off. DH will not react if they go and blame me like last time when one of them kicked off.

If this was the only issue I could overlook it but our relationship is not great, it’s a Sexless marriage and he’s selfish. His ultimate goal is for my kids to never celebrate any birthday as in his own words “birthday are not real they’re just an arbitrary concept”. I want my kids to have fun memories so I will have this party and not invite him till he can be a grown up and discuss. If he didn’t sulk we could have come to an agreement that his sisters can miss the bowling part but just come at the end when we cut the cake but he just sulks and doesn’t want to discuss,

There'll have been a 5-10% deposit for the mortgage, minimum. So unless it's fallen in price more than that, he's just making it up - another tool to control you. As other people have said, with his pension and maintenance and benefits, it's at most a small price to pay for freedom from him.

You could contact the bank to set up access to your joint account for you, providing your name is actually on it, and he doesn't check letters addressed to you.

It's worth contacting a specific agency for your culture that deals with these situation, e.g. Aachal or Kiran - Imkaan has a list of agencies for specific cultures.

Is there anywhere you can go today and tomorrow so you're out of the house with the kids-so they're not exposed to what's going on? Even if just park-picnic -walk round shopping centre? Assuming things will be a little less toxic when he's back at work on Tuesday because he's not around the kids all day.

but he just sulks and doesn’t want to discuss,

I know it's difficult. Well done for not reacting at first when he started to sulk

I'm afraid I'd go further than you describe. I wouldn't be asking him what was wrong. That just gets attention for sulking, which is not ok in my book. If he wills, I'd ignore until he has recovered.

No attention for sulking in this household.

What does he truly add to your life?

Im done with you

I'd reply good, me too. Don't come home

But then I'm not known for being tactful. Or putting up with poor treatment.

That function of copying the whole post is really irritating. I very much prefer when you can just kind of tag the post you are replying to, without copying the text while people can see the referenced post if they like.

He’s still in bed sulking. In the past I would have gone and tried to talk and at least give him food in bed but I’ve done nothing. Children have been asking why dad is still in bed and I’ve told them he’s not well. He’s so immature. He’s completely wrecked the bank holiday.

You'd get housed by the local authority as somebody escaping abuse with children. So you'd be absolutely fine, even if he is lumbered with a debt afterwards.

I wouldn't lie to them. I would say I don't know.