DD’s Birthday plans and husband in mood another year running!

[CookieMonsterMummy]

Took kids bowling to a new place where we recently moved to and I commented how nice it would be to have DD’s upcoming party there in the summer. DH got in a mood again - very obvious when he’s in a mood as he sulks and goes all quiet and gets passive aggressive. I’m really proud of myself as I didn’t react I just asked him what was wrong several times but no response. I tried to reason with him and asked if we could discuss this like adults but again no response. He did respond finally with “I don’t give a fuck about her party” and then we got to the actual truth: “it’s because of your bitch sister”. I explained of course she will be invited as we have had an invite for all 3 of her kids parties even before we had our own kids.

beyond the age of 2 I haven’t invited his sisters to any of the parties because we have no relationship with them. Our kids also have zero relationship with his sisters - their choice as they don’t bother with us whereas my sister and her kids are very close with my kids so their only cousins essentially who they have any relationship with. I have another sibling who also won’t be invited but just due to the fact her kids are older and my kids don’t really play with them. Other than that I have a good relationship with my other sibling and see them often.

also not to drip feed it was always myself who made any effort with his sisters but during lockdown they didn’t even once get in contact which made me realise it’s always me so just left it to see if they would initiate contact and result is we haven’t spoken for over 3 years! Every party they have attended they ignore me and my kids. Both of the sisters sit in their phones and their kids on their own devices only one of the BIL make any effort to interact with other guests and make polite conversation but they ignore me!

DH doesn’t see his sisters ever and doesn’t desire to either, they live 30 minutes away and visit his mum once a year who lives 2 minutes away from us.

sorry for the long post and I can’t really express the dysfunction of his family relations properly but feels like he only remembers he has sisters when I start planning the kids birthdays! His own 40th came up and not one sibling phoned to say happy birthday however my “bitch sister” (his words) sent him a card and whisky bottle plus she phoned up. His reaction - “she didn’t need to”.

I can’t live like this anymore. The whole atmosphere will be changed with his sisters there, plus the kids have no idea who they are and most importantly they don’t actually want to come they’ve made it obvious the years they have been invited. Also awkward if they kick off as DD has started a new school so it will get whole class party with people I don’t even know yet! I don’t want to keep feeling anxious that his sisters will kick off. DH will not react if they go and blame me like last time when one of them kicked off.

If this was the only issue I could overlook it but our relationship is not great, it’s a Sexless marriage and he’s selfish. His ultimate goal is for my kids to never celebrate any birthday as in his own words “birthday are not real they’re just an arbitrary concept”. I want my kids to have fun memories so I will have this party and not invite him till he can be a grown up and discuss. If he didn’t sulk we could have come to an agreement that his sisters can miss the bowling part but just come at the end when we cut the cake but he just sulks and doesn’t want to discuss,

Have my first LTB

My initial reaction:
Sounds like he’s deflecting. Maybe he’s resentful of your relationship with your sister when he doesn’t have a relationship with his own. Maybe your sister’s kindness (birthday gift & phone call) highlight to him that his own sisters haven’t bothered.

My reaction after reading your update:
He can go, YOU are done with HIM!
Without knowing background, could it be possible that he’s trying to take control by saying he is done with you? I don’t know, but so you are begging him to stay and keep your family together?

@Nanny0gg Why quote the entire long post, we all obviously read it..

He doesn't sound great, op. It might be time to re-evaluate your relationship. You and your kids are entitled to be happy.

How many more times??

I've already apologised - quite near the top, Did you miss it?

And if you read many, MANY of the threads on here, there is no guarantee of anything being read...

Ignore them. The one's berating you are merrily doing the same thing!

@Nanny0gg just want to say sorry you’re getting so many comments. I did not find it in anyway annoying like others did. It’s just a habit! Please ignore them xx

Thanks!

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Regardless of how he feels about family members, he's **itting all over your poor daughter's birthday.

He reminds me of my own dad- a miserable *tard.

I've read your update and I'm sorry it's falling apart like this but in time you and your little ones will be better off without that miserable, grinding tension around you.

I wish you the best. You sound like you're trying so hard to look after your kids and give them a happy life with fun birthdays and cousins to play with.

You are not the problem here. And hopefully the problem is now buggering off.

Tell him not to bother coming back OP then sit down and have a good think about going it alone. Whats your housing and income situation?

He left you at the bowling? Text him back and say 'thank fuck you said it first. Don't come home (ever again)'

I literally can't imagine living like this OP.

Do you want to stay with him? (Why?!)

Thank you everyone. He’s just cone now and I’ve tried to talk to him and he just won’t discuss. He keeps saying immature things like “go and fuck your sister up the arse like you really want to”. And “why do u love your sister so much”. He also insinuating my sister is trying to have an affair with him! It’s all totally nonsense. I’ve asked for proof and he’s just laughing, btw he had erectile dysfunction hence we have no sex life so I don’t know if he’s trying to cook up a fantasy.

Sounds like you would be better off with out him. If my husband spoke about my sister like that he would be gone.

Why are you still trying to discuss it with him?

You can't reason with unreasonable.

He's given you the gift of ending it. I'd accept his kind offer.

Imagine your life off this rollercoaster. Peaceful calm and no walking on eggshells.

He sounds like an absolute psychopath! Please pack his bags and send him on his way.
Your poor children shouldn't have to live in such a toxic environment with an abusive arsehole for a father.

I have had my feelings that something sexual happened to him as a child as when he’s drunk he says stuff that’s quite disgusting and disturbing but he never wants to discuss. Years and years ago he said done thing about his sister making him lick her but he denied it, I was a little drunk too so thought maybe I misheard him. He’s the youngest and has an age gap of 15 years with the eldest and 12 with second. I go through phases of feeling really sorry for him and wanting to comfort him but he never lets me in. I’m so exhausted.

He's madly jealous of your relationship with your sister and family. He's weird as well as unpleasant. Stop trying to engage with him and get rid.

Out of interest, are you both from the same culture? Is there a culture clash between the families that's causing his aggressive behaviour and language?

Bloody hell you need to get rid of him. Is he saying these things about your sister in front of the children? Was the argument at the bowling place in front of the children?

Is he drunk now?

why ar eyou trying to pander to him-its not about the party and who comes its his whole attitude towards you all

we are from the same culture.

He sounds disturbed, op. Is he just violent with his language? This sounds worrying to me.

Bloody hell you need to get rid of him. Is he saying these things about your sister in front of the children? Was the argument at the bowling place in front of the children?

Is he drunk now?

yeah it was infront of the kids. I’ve taken them upstairs now and put them to sleep. I’m in the kitchen and he’s in the living room.

@CookieMonsterMummy why don't you leave him?