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Original poster

DD’s Birthday plans and husband in mood another year running!

132 replies

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 18:38

Took kids bowling to a new place where we recently moved to and I commented how nice it would be to have DD’s upcoming party there in the summer. DH got in a mood again - very obvious when he’s in a mood as he sulks and goes all quiet and gets passive aggressive. I’m really proud of myself as I didn’t react I just asked him what was wrong several times but no response. I tried to reason with him and asked if we could discuss this like adults but again no response. He did respond finally with “I don’t give a fuck about her party” and then we got to the actual truth: “it’s because of your bitch sister”. I explained of course she will be invited as we have had an invite for all 3 of her kids parties even before we had our own kids.

beyond the age of 2 I haven’t invited his sisters to any of the parties because we have no relationship with them. Our kids also have zero relationship with his sisters - their choice as they don’t bother with us whereas my sister and her kids are very close with my kids so their only cousins essentially who they have any relationship with. I have another sibling who also won’t be invited but just due to the fact her kids are older and my kids don’t really play with them. Other than that I have a good relationship with my other sibling and see them often.

also not to drip feed it was always myself who made any effort with his sisters but during lockdown they didn’t even once get in contact which made me realise it’s always me so just left it to see if they would initiate contact and result is we haven’t spoken for over 3 years! Every party they have attended they ignore me and my kids. Both of the sisters sit in their phones and their kids on their own devices only one of the BIL make any effort to interact with other guests and make polite conversation but they ignore me!

DH doesn’t see his sisters ever and doesn’t desire to either, they live 30 minutes away and visit his mum once a year who lives 2 minutes away from us.

sorry for the long post and I can’t really express the dysfunction of his family relations properly but feels like he only remembers he has sisters when I start planning the kids birthdays! His own 40th came up and not one sibling phoned to say happy birthday however my “bitch sister” (his words) sent him a card and whisky bottle plus she phoned up. His reaction - “she didn’t need to”.

I can’t live like this anymore. The whole atmosphere will be changed with his sisters there, plus the kids have no idea who they are and most importantly they don’t actually want to come they’ve made it obvious the years they have been invited. Also awkward if they kick off as DD has started a new school so it will get whole class party with people I don’t even know yet! I don’t want to keep feeling anxious that his sisters will kick off. DH will not react if they go and blame me like last time when one of them kicked off.

If this was the only issue I could overlook it but our relationship is not great, it’s a Sexless marriage and he’s selfish. His ultimate goal is for my kids to never celebrate any birthday as in his own words “birthday are not real they’re just an arbitrary concept”. I want my kids to have fun memories so I will have this party and not invite him till he can be a grown up and discuss. If he didn’t sulk we could have come to an agreement that his sisters can miss the bowling part but just come at the end when we cut the cake but he just sulks and doesn’t want to discuss,

OP posts:
jannier · 08/04/2023 21:46

Imridiculous · 08/04/2023 18:42

I want my kids to have fun memories

Maybe they would have better memories if they didn’t live with someone who behaves so awfully?

How do you remove parts of a post on a phone?

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 21:48

How do you remove parts of a post on a phone?

You copy and paste the bit you want to reply to.

jannier · 08/04/2023 21:54

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 21:28

He has checked out of family life years ago. He pays no attention to the kids or me. He wouldn’t be able to name any of the kids friends. He doesn’t ask what we do on holidays or days off. I take them most places on my own. Kids were excited he came bowling with us. My mum came off the phone just now and said I shouldn’t have mentioned parties to him when I know what he’s like. She said I’m not very clever and any other girl with half a brain would have known how to sweet talk him into agreeing with everything!

So your mother is blaming you and suggesting you can live with him by sweet talking....jesus ....

jannier · 08/04/2023 21:56

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 21:48

How do you remove parts of a post on a phone?

You copy and paste the bit you want to reply to.

Can't do that on this page. The copy function doesn't work ....if it does on FB etc.

Schnooze · 08/04/2023 22:05

This is so wrong and dysfunctional it’s heartbreaking. I know the time isn’t right but please get out of this toxic relationship. And do the Freedom programme so you learn what a proper mutually supportive and respectful relationship is.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/04/2023 22:08

He really hates women and girls, doesn't he?

You need to get out sooner rather than later - I suggest that you contact Women's Aid as soon as you are safe to do so, as they can help you escape without needing to go through months, if not years, of abuse whilst trying to save up money.

tothelefttotheleft · 08/04/2023 22:16

You need to detach from him. Stop running after him when he's acting like an idiot. Just ignore him.

enbarr · 08/04/2023 22:32

This reply has been deleted

The OP is a previously banned user.

maddening · 08/04/2023 22:34

Have you told your mum what he says about your sister?

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 08/04/2023 22:45

Well, keep working on a plan to leave. Make sure you speak to a solicitor now so you know what you need to be focusing on.

Hawkins003 · 08/04/2023 22:55

Omg, your dh , it could be debated that he seems such a man child,

mnisannoyingAF · 08/04/2023 23:01

Summerishere123 · 08/04/2023 20:21

As an aside. Bowling parties are very boring. The kids get fed up of waiting for their turn.

I'm sure that's the advice she will take from this

billy1966 · 08/04/2023 23:16

What a truly ugly man.

You poor woman.

Your poor children.

Start logging his abuse of you and the children with your GP.

He is emotionally abusing them by speaking as he does in front of them.

I can only imagine how difficult to find the strength to leave.

Please start detaching and call the police if he is aggressive.

He is a very ugly man, your poor children having such a loser for their father.

Take care.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/04/2023 23:25

Mari9999 · 08/04/2023 21:29

OP, why bother to repeatedly ask " what's wrong" when someone has indicated that they do not wish to speak about something? You pretty know what the issue is and the repeated questioning only serves to exacerbate the situation.

You both sound like hard work, and the extended family conflict is troubling. Why not have a party at school and avoid all of the conflict?

Victim blaming much. It’s natural to ask what’s wrong when someone is in a mood and won’t tell you why. My DH does this sometimes, it’s really infuriating.

And a party at school is a ridiculous idea. How would that even work?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/04/2023 23:50

jannier · 08/04/2023 21:56

Can't do that on this page. The copy function doesn't work ....if it does on FB etc.

Show quote history

I just do a long press on a word to bring up the pop up menu then select text I want then copy. This is with an android device.

Burnamer · 08/04/2023 23:55

@Nanny0gg I wasn’t having a go at you - I’m sorry if it came across that way. It was a genuine question as I see people do it but never know why.

@ReadersD1gest my question was why do people quote the original post by the OP. Quoting other posts makes sense because otherwise no-one would know what you were replying to. But other than that, aren’t we all replying to the first post?

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 09/04/2023 01:17

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 21:30

I really do want to leave but I’m so not in the headspace right now. I will be completely on my own as I know my family will not speak to me. I won’t be invited around Antibes home as I will be considered bad influence, damaged etc. I’m not strong enough right now,

Even the sister whose children your DC are good friends with? That makes things even tougher.

It sounds like you've got at least the beginnings of plan, I've been working on a way out for a while so I understand that. Recently told the bastard and waiting for mediation, still under one roof though unfortunately. People want you to LTB straight away and while it's very necessary in some cases and yes his behaviour will be damaging your DC, and ideally get them out of there, but they're are practical considerations especially if you're not working and/or have minimal access to any money, including your own wage.

Some considerations though, would he demand your wages go into a joint/his account? Can you start savings with cashback? Can you get the odd small amount out and put it in your account? Would he expect you to pay all wrap around care out of your wage? I know a few women whose partners have done this. If you don't have your own account I'd start by opening one, though you have to be careful he doesn't see the card in the mailbox.

Daftasyoulike · 09/04/2023 01:43

What a shame you didn't take him at his word earlier OP! In your shoes, when he told you he was 'done', I would have packed his stuff, put it on the doorstep, and then locked and bolted all doors and windows. You say you're not in the right place at the moment to leave him, but how could it possibly be any worse than staying with him, when he's making you miserable, and your children will definitely be picking up on this too? You speak about your mother who is clearly not supportive of you, but you seem to have a good relationship with your sister, so wouldn't she help and support you in leaving him? Does she know how bad things are in your marriage? If not, it's time to confide in her, and ask for her help. I know how difficult it is to break up a home and family, but please don't stay with this man any longer, life if MUCH too short to waste on someone like this.

Northernsouloldies · 09/04/2023 02:19

The party is a side issue but his attitude towards you and his own children is abhorrent. As for your mum saying sweet talk him... I don't think so you don't have to placate this prick of a man. Hopefully you are able to make a decision that's beneficial to you.

FortofPud · 09/04/2023 03:46

Oh gosh, that sounds miserable. I think its possible to feel bad for him for whatever has happened to make him this way, but still maintain healthy boundaries now in terms of what you're prepared to put up with from adult him. He probably needs serious therapy to unpack his upbringing and family dynamics, but you can't make him do that unfortunately. At least if you're separate from him the kids have a safe haven with you and get to see what a calm and happy household can look like.

Is there a strong shame culture here? It's heartbreskingly sad when your mum is saying things like that instead of having your back. Has she been a victim of miserable circumstances too and sucked it up, therefore the expectation is that you do the same?

You sound very sensible and strong and a great mum Flowers

SkankingWombat · 09/04/2023 07:38

He is broken. It's really sad, but there is little you can do if he doesn't see it and accept he needs help. If he were accepting of help, it would still take years of therapy from the sound of it with no guarantee of success, but at least you would still be a team. He isn't in yours ir DC's team.
My F was like this. He never accepted help or admitted he had a problem. He was still angry, sad, lonely, and broken when he died. It never got better, but he got more depressed in his last years, when he had finally managed to push away the last of his friends and family and no longer was able to use anyone as a punching bag. It's hard though, I'm starting to realise I've also married a broken man. He hid his issues very well, but over the (many) years they are becoming more and more apparent and problematic because they were allowed to fester. I'm sticking with it for now as he is actively seeking help to change, and between his periods of depression (and within them, but not so much), he is a kind loving person. He wants to be better and has been open about struggling since it first blew up, which is key IMO. I'm not sure if he is fixable, I hope so, but I'm willing to give him the opportunity. If he wasn't trying to address it, he'd be gone.

How honest and blunt have you been with your DM relaying the things he's saying? If you haven't downplayed his language to her, and she is still saying you should be better at tiptoeing around him, then TBH you'll be better off without any of them.
I think as well as the new job, it is worth building a good support network of friends around you too. Outside of my nuclear family, I don't have any family either (dead rather than disowned), but have some really amazing friends I can rely on and trust 100%. Most also have difficult, distant, or nonexistent family, so we've built our own.

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 09/04/2023 07:41

Thank you everyone for the messages. It’s been a tough night and I’ve hardly slept. He turned off the internet when he came home he’s very petty. He’s been saying it’s his house and money and I need to get out of his house and take the kids. We’ve (well I should say he) only just bought the house and this is the forever home. He was laughing at me and saying I’m a thick bitch as if we divorce and sell if it’s in negative equity. None of us will see a penny and he bought it at a high price and selling it will be less than purchased for so will be owing. I don’t have access to joint account. Leaving now I will be totally screwed so will my kids.

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 09/04/2023 07:54

If you are legally married then your home is a joint asset, even if it’s in his name. You must have had a a deposit. the joint account and any individual accounts are also an asset, pensions etc.

do you have a legal marriage ? What’s his employment situation?

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 09/04/2023 08:10

Yes it’s a legal marriage and he’s in a good job. But house prices have fallen since we purchased this property.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 09/04/2023 08:23

House prices have fallen but there will be a deposit to offset that. It all depends on how much equity is in the house as to how much you would get if you split. Is this your first house together?

Dont forget you’d be entitled to some of his pension and you’d get maintenance from him and benefits.