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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD’s Birthday plans and husband in mood another year running!

132 replies

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 18:38

Took kids bowling to a new place where we recently moved to and I commented how nice it would be to have DD’s upcoming party there in the summer. DH got in a mood again - very obvious when he’s in a mood as he sulks and goes all quiet and gets passive aggressive. I’m really proud of myself as I didn’t react I just asked him what was wrong several times but no response. I tried to reason with him and asked if we could discuss this like adults but again no response. He did respond finally with “I don’t give a fuck about her party” and then we got to the actual truth: “it’s because of your bitch sister”. I explained of course she will be invited as we have had an invite for all 3 of her kids parties even before we had our own kids.

beyond the age of 2 I haven’t invited his sisters to any of the parties because we have no relationship with them. Our kids also have zero relationship with his sisters - their choice as they don’t bother with us whereas my sister and her kids are very close with my kids so their only cousins essentially who they have any relationship with. I have another sibling who also won’t be invited but just due to the fact her kids are older and my kids don’t really play with them. Other than that I have a good relationship with my other sibling and see them often.

also not to drip feed it was always myself who made any effort with his sisters but during lockdown they didn’t even once get in contact which made me realise it’s always me so just left it to see if they would initiate contact and result is we haven’t spoken for over 3 years! Every party they have attended they ignore me and my kids. Both of the sisters sit in their phones and their kids on their own devices only one of the BIL make any effort to interact with other guests and make polite conversation but they ignore me!

DH doesn’t see his sisters ever and doesn’t desire to either, they live 30 minutes away and visit his mum once a year who lives 2 minutes away from us.

sorry for the long post and I can’t really express the dysfunction of his family relations properly but feels like he only remembers he has sisters when I start planning the kids birthdays! His own 40th came up and not one sibling phoned to say happy birthday however my “bitch sister” (his words) sent him a card and whisky bottle plus she phoned up. His reaction - “she didn’t need to”.

I can’t live like this anymore. The whole atmosphere will be changed with his sisters there, plus the kids have no idea who they are and most importantly they don’t actually want to come they’ve made it obvious the years they have been invited. Also awkward if they kick off as DD has started a new school so it will get whole class party with people I don’t even know yet! I don’t want to keep feeling anxious that his sisters will kick off. DH will not react if they go and blame me like last time when one of them kicked off.

If this was the only issue I could overlook it but our relationship is not great, it’s a Sexless marriage and he’s selfish. His ultimate goal is for my kids to never celebrate any birthday as in his own words “birthday are not real they’re just an arbitrary concept”. I want my kids to have fun memories so I will have this party and not invite him till he can be a grown up and discuss. If he didn’t sulk we could have come to an agreement that his sisters can miss the bowling part but just come at the end when we cut the cake but he just sulks and doesn’t want to discuss,

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 08/04/2023 19:55

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 19:52

Bloody hell you need to get rid of him. Is he saying these things about your sister in front of the children? Was the argument at the bowling place in front of the children?

Is he drunk now?

yeah it was infront of the kids. I’ve taken them upstairs now and put them to sleep. I’m in the kitchen and he’s in the living room.

Stop engaging with him

You're done. He's done. Make it done.

You have a supportive family, reach out to them

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 19:55

yeah it was infront of the kids. I’ve taken them upstairs now and put them to sleep. I’m in the kitchen and he’s in the living room.

You need to protect your children from him and his vile words. They don't need to hear him saying such awful stuff. You can't stay with him when he behaves like this.

TheyIndeed · 08/04/2023 19:55

No really I don't get it.

Why are you with him?

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 19:58

I am going to leave but in no position to right now. I’m going to work full time in September when youngest in school so starting to put money away. It’s not easy to leave. I tried contacting a Womens shelter but I need to bide my time. My family won’t support me. It’s against the culture to divorce so I need to save money then leave.

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 08/04/2023 20:16

I’m sorry to hear that your family won’t help you. Do you have any friends who are supportive ?

Do you have a legal marriage or just a religious one?

Have you taken legal advice ?

TheyIndeed · 08/04/2023 20:20

I'm glad you're looking to leave, can you try talking to Women's Aid?

Summerishere123 · 08/04/2023 20:21

As an aside. Bowling parties are very boring. The kids get fed up of waiting for their turn.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/04/2023 20:24

I urge you to seek all available help and get out of there soon than September. The damage he is doing to your children on a daily basis is chilling.

NerrSnerr · 08/04/2023 20:25

He keeps saying immature things like “go and fuck your sister up the arse like you really want to”.

I'm lease imagine a scenario where your children might repeat the above to a teacher or another adult. They are being exposed to abuse. I understand it's hard to leave but maybe you need to discuss with health visitor, GP or someone to try and get some support.

BaggieMaggie · 08/04/2023 20:31

Summerishere123 · 08/04/2023 20:21

As an aside. Bowling parties are very boring. The kids get fed up of waiting for their turn.

Bullshit

MummyJ36 · 08/04/2023 20:31

Jesus that escalated from what I thought the original post was about. OP please consider your kids in this. You may want to bide your time but exposing them to this sort of vile behaviour is incredibly damaging and if they report this to their teacher you are likely to get a call from SS.

landbeforegrime · 08/04/2023 20:55

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 19:58

I am going to leave but in no position to right now. I’m going to work full time in September when youngest in school so starting to put money away. It’s not easy to leave. I tried contacting a Womens shelter but I need to bide my time. My family won’t support me. It’s against the culture to divorce so I need to save money then leave.

Just be careful - the more you have and earn the more he has a claim to / the less you have a claim to against him. look at getting a bit of legal advice if you can so you're not building up a nest egg for him to just raid half of it.

Echobelly · 08/04/2023 21:00

I think he's done you a favour saying he's done.

The thing that stood out to me in the OP is that, unless there's something you're not telling us, he seems to be calling your sister a 'bitch' for no reason other than you get on with them and neither of your have a relationship with his sisters. That's extremely nasty and aggressive. But from everything else you've written than seems to be a feature of his character. I hope you can make preparations and get out ASAP.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 08/04/2023 21:02

As an aside. Bowling parties are very boring. The kids get fed up of waiting for their turn

This is really what you have took from the OP's thread?

Jesus Christ.

AgrathaChristie · 08/04/2023 21:15

CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 18:51

@L3ThirtySeven my daughter if she had the choice would ONLY want her cousins there (my sisters kids) as they similar age and she plays with them regularly. She would not be happy if they didn’t come. It’s not my adult drama it’s who she wants there!

It’s your dd party so she gets to choose who’s invited and as your DH seems to have checked out of family life I’d ignore his sisters and the rest of the family. They’re nothing to you so why should you have to provide them with food and entertainment?

MelsMoneyTree · 08/04/2023 21:18

Are you done with him OP? He's giving you the perfect opening here to take his text message at face value and ask where to send his stuff.
Of course, he's expecting you to start begging him to come back but your life would be infinitely happier if you just let him go. And your DCs' lives would be happier too if they didn't have to tiptoe round his moods.

PonyPatter44 · 08/04/2023 21:22

If you've decided you're done (and you are dead right to do so), then make your plans carefully. Get yourself back to work as soon as you can. Do you have your own bank account and email address that he doesn't have access to? Set yourself up a savings account that he doesn't know about and squirrel away every penny you possibly can. Get cashback when you go shopping, and pay it straight into your secret account. Quietly get all your documents together, and put them somewhere safe. Do you know how much your husband earns? Does he have a proper PAYE job or is he self-employed?

These are all things for you to do to make your plan to leave. Don't let him get a hint that you are making plans.

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 21:28

He has checked out of family life years ago. He pays no attention to the kids or me. He wouldn’t be able to name any of the kids friends. He doesn’t ask what we do on holidays or days off. I take them most places on my own. Kids were excited he came bowling with us. My mum came off the phone just now and said I shouldn’t have mentioned parties to him when I know what he’s like. She said I’m not very clever and any other girl with half a brain would have known how to sweet talk him into agreeing with everything!

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 08/04/2023 21:29

OP, why bother to repeatedly ask " what's wrong" when someone has indicated that they do not wish to speak about something? You pretty know what the issue is and the repeated questioning only serves to exacerbate the situation.

You both sound like hard work, and the extended family conflict is troubling. Why not have a party at school and avoid all of the conflict?

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 21:30

I really do want to leave but I’m so not in the headspace right now. I will be completely on my own as I know my family will not speak to me. I won’t be invited around Antibes home as I will be considered bad influence, damaged etc. I’m not strong enough right now,

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 08/04/2023 21:31

Well your mum is being a bit of a dick too isn't she. If I were to be kinder I would guess that there's cultural stuff behind what she said but to this white western woman it's complete bullshit and I'm sorry you have to put up with that on top of your H being a dick.

Sorry OP. 💐I'm glad you're putting things in place to leave him.

Escapingafter50years · 08/04/2023 21:31

I suspect your mother and the way she brought you up is a good part of the reason why you ended up married to this arsehole.
You and your kids deserve better than this dementor sucking the joy out of your lives.

Original poster
CookieMonsterMummy · 08/04/2023 21:31

@Mari9999 that sounds ridiculous! How can I have a party at school and most importantly why should my daughter miss out due to her father being an immature twat?

OP posts:
katepilar · 08/04/2023 21:41

He seems to be very hurt and damaged by the relationships in his own family. Not that it gives him an excuse to be horrible to people.

katepilar · 08/04/2023 21:45

He needs a lot of therapy to get out of his dark shell. It must very exhausting for you to live in this.