I carry the entire load - but is it on me?

[Boodlebun]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been the easiest ride; I get spotting and had a few bleeds (checks always come back normal thank god), I am under cardiology because I have a heart condition (baby hasn’t developed this), and most recently I keep getting very dizzy and faint which can last a few hours a day. The doctors haven’t really done much about any of it, which I guess means nothing serious, but it still leaves me feeling awful nearly all day everyday.

both my husband and I work full time. I am thinking I might have to go on Mat leave as soon as possible due to my poor health. But, the issue is, what difference would it make? I still have to do everything in the house. The mental load is still heavy.

i know this is an extremely common Mum rant - my husband doesn’t lift a finger whilst I do all of it so on and so forth, and I really hate to be one of those people who complains.

every morning, I come downstairs to see the kitchen in a state, so I have to clean it. No mugs or bowls for me for breakfast because the dishwasher was not run, so that’s my first job. Cooking all meals, doing all laundry, food shops, dog feeding and walks, hoovering, bed sheets on and on. You know, the standard of owning a house and maintaining it.

last week, I fell. Going back to those faint spells, I was half way through doing the dishes, the dog was running around, husband still asleep because he went to bed at 3am, and suddenly my lights went out for a split second and I hit the floor (straight down on bum so really luckily baby was fine).

i sobbed and was inconsolable, saying over and over again I don’t want to harm the baby, I want to keep him safe. The way I am going, I know I am harming us, and my god it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible mother before I even got the chance to say hello.

i should add here, he regularly says he will help. That I need to be slowing down and he will take on more jobs. So I leave it a day or so. Then, we have no clean clothes or underwear, the kitchen is a state, dog hasn’t been out in a few days. It’s a lot of words, very little follow through until I get back up and do it again.

so I started small. I asked him to fill the dishwasher before coming to bed, first time whilst I cooked dinner. Yes, of course my love. I asked again after dinner. Yes, of course my love. Third time before I went up to bed. Sure thing, my love.

i came downstairs this morning to the biggest middle finger I had ever seen. More plates and cups had been added to the pile. Rubbish wrappers in the lounge.

i can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I don’t know how to continue in this loop. Maybe it’s me. Am I being too hard? Am I being dramatic?

What was he like pre pregnancy op?

has he changed or like this on day 1 of living together?

This tends to be a common complaint post children as women on maternity leave often pick up the extra load and then it isn’t spread evenly when the women returns to work. I don’t think it’s that common pre children.

He isn’t a small child who you are building up their independence skills by teaching them how to empty the dishwasher or make sure they put their rubbish in the bin. My 6 and 3 year olds can manage to put rubbish in the bin. You need to sit down and point out that you are doing most of the work and as you are pregnant and struggling you should be doing less. Then ask him how he is going to correct it.

You are not being dramatic, you are not being too hard.
Your husband is a lazy pig and things will only get worse after the baby is born. He is a shit husband and will be a shit father.

I'm sorry he isn't helping you. You need to have a long talk with him and outline what he needs to start doing. Is there anything domestic chore - wise that he is good at? If so get him to sign up for that. Whatever can't be done with him helping out, you have to find other options.. Assuming it does need doing and can't be ignored won't go away if you. lower your standards.

I would actually suggest getting the dog rehomed..I'm a dog lover but with a new baby it's just going to be extra work that nobody has time for. Can you suggest/threaten to get a cleaner ? Good luck :)

I'd pack a bag and go somewhere - anywhere you can. While you're there write down how you feel and what you want him to do - it's going to look something like "why are you so lazy and selfish that you would rather put me and our child at harm than turn the bloody dishwasher on?" Have a think about what it's going to be like once the baby is here. Is this the life you want - being a skivvy to a lazy arsehole who doesn't care about you or your child? He thinks he's more important than you - is that ever going to change?

And the unborn child

Pretty much agree with @MavisCruet2023

What did he say when you told him you had fainted and fallen?

What the fuck was he doing until 3am? I’d guess gaming or porn?

How could both of you get to the point where the dog has not been out for days- where was it going to the toilet?

He is a lazy waste of space and it’s made even worse by all his blah blah blah about doing things around the house, when he clearly has no intention of doing anything.

Can you go and stay with your family at all?

Do you have a friend/family member you can stay with a few days so you can get looked after?

if not, just do what you need to do for you. Keep a stack of crockery and cutlery for yourself. Do your own laundry.
prepare your own easy meals. Can you hire a dog walker?

this is a child not a man

He is useless, as well you know.

Has it always been like this? I assume not because you conceived a child with him.

in which case, what’s changed?

Sorry op, maybe I’m getting old and grumpy but this!

Not cool that the dog hasnt been walked. Totally not cool. Cruel, in fact.

Have you got parents or family near by you can go and stay with? You need to make a dramatic point here. Tell him you asked him 3 times and he said yes and then didn't do it so you're off. To rest and recuperate elsewhere. I know my mum would welcome me with open arms in this situation. Say to him if you come back the house better be perfect or you're kicking him out. Tell him he can do a rota of tasks and you can share them post birth but for now all the slack falls on him.

FWIW feeling faint and dizzy is very common in pregnancy and normal regardless of any other existing health conditions. Look after yourself.

Also do you have the sort of job you can do from home?

Op won’t be back

but there will be many many mumsnet threads that the op will start over the coming months and years

It's on him for being a lazy fuck bit yes, unfortunately it is also on you for enabling it.

Why did you stay with him and have a kid once you realised he was like this?

He won't change and now you've got a whole other person to be responsible for

He won't change his basic habits probably but one way to get their attention is to pile all their random mess in "their" space. Used plates, lolly wrappers, stuff left around: all left in a dirty pile on top of the PlayStation or his work from home desk.

Or, a speech that appeals to his deep need to love you and be respected by you. "I know you love me but when you leave our kitchen so dirty it makes me feel so unloved and I am starting to lose respect for you. Can you prioritise keeping our shared spaces nice?"

Well, either it’s the magic coffee table https://www.google.com/search?q=magic+coffee+table+and+laundry+basket&rlz=1C9BKJA_enAU811AU811&oq=magic+coffee+table&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0i512l5j0i390i650l3.7544j0j4&hl=en-GB&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
or
it’s the empty coffee cup https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

What others said, i’m afraid. If the guy won’t step up when his wife is pregnant and unwell by it, then he isn’t going to. On paper and with money behind you you can (collectively) mitigate the effects of his uselessness with cleaners, ready meals and so on, but really he’s acting like a sack of shit. He needs the consequences of this, for one.

He was up until 3am?

Let me guess…he’s a “gamer”.

Twat.

OMFG. It’s EVERY DAY at the moment on here! SO many women with absolute shit heads.

of course it’s not ok. find your self respect and LEAVE.