I carry the entire load - but is it on me?

[Boodlebun]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been the easiest ride; I get spotting and had a few bleeds (checks always come back normal thank god), I am under cardiology because I have a heart condition (baby hasn’t developed this), and most recently I keep getting very dizzy and faint which can last a few hours a day. The doctors haven’t really done much about any of it, which I guess means nothing serious, but it still leaves me feeling awful nearly all day everyday.

both my husband and I work full time. I am thinking I might have to go on Mat leave as soon as possible due to my poor health. But, the issue is, what difference would it make? I still have to do everything in the house. The mental load is still heavy.

i know this is an extremely common Mum rant - my husband doesn’t lift a finger whilst I do all of it so on and so forth, and I really hate to be one of those people who complains.

every morning, I come downstairs to see the kitchen in a state, so I have to clean it. No mugs or bowls for me for breakfast because the dishwasher was not run, so that’s my first job. Cooking all meals, doing all laundry, food shops, dog feeding and walks, hoovering, bed sheets on and on. You know, the standard of owning a house and maintaining it.

last week, I fell. Going back to those faint spells, I was half way through doing the dishes, the dog was running around, husband still asleep because he went to bed at 3am, and suddenly my lights went out for a split second and I hit the floor (straight down on bum so really luckily baby was fine).

i sobbed and was inconsolable, saying over and over again I don’t want to harm the baby, I want to keep him safe. The way I am going, I know I am harming us, and my god it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible mother before I even got the chance to say hello.

i should add here, he regularly says he will help. That I need to be slowing down and he will take on more jobs. So I leave it a day or so. Then, we have no clean clothes or underwear, the kitchen is a state, dog hasn’t been out in a few days. It’s a lot of words, very little follow through until I get back up and do it again.

so I started small. I asked him to fill the dishwasher before coming to bed, first time whilst I cooked dinner. Yes, of course my love. I asked again after dinner. Yes, of course my love. Third time before I went up to bed. Sure thing, my love.

i came downstairs this morning to the biggest middle finger I had ever seen. More plates and cups had been added to the pile. Rubbish wrappers in the lounge.

i can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I don’t know how to continue in this loop. Maybe it’s me. Am I being too hard? Am I being dramatic?

I know this is a really common MN phrase but I genuinely think your husband is being abusive here.

He knows you have a heart condition, you're carrying his child and yet he still puts the load on you and expects you to wait on him hand and foot? Fuck him.

However, people will only treat you the way you let them. Don't ask, sit down and divide responsibilities and if he doesn't do what he's agreed then leave it. For however long it takes. Don't lock yourself into a life of this.

Please go back to the doctor and tell them you fainted, your cardiology team need to know this, you need an urgent review

and then you need to give your ‘D’H a short sharp shock. It is not Ok for you to be in this state and no one (doctors or husband) are stepping up to help you

A pregnant woman is being treated appallingly, asks for advice, and is told by other women she shouldn’t have got pregnant by him in the first place.

Its not kind and it’s definitely not helpful. If spending your afternoon making other people feel miserable is some kind of entertainment to you then be ashamed of yourself.

OP a complete lifestyle overhaul is needed from your husband otherwise you might be better off alone.

OP needs a wake up call, otherwise she will spend her her time and energy in an exploitative relationship and will miss the chance to get out of it now.

Well, people do need to take responsibility for themselves.

Being pregnant doesn't mean you can't hear the truth.

I'm a single parent and my 11 year old does more to help around the house than your DH, and I'm not pregnant or unwell. What a lazy man.

You shouldn't have to, but can you sit down set some simple ground rules, such as the kitchen must be clean and cleared before the last person goes to bed? Set a rota for walking the dog/doing laundry/beds and have it on a white board so he knows who needs to do what thing on what day.

You shouldn't need to do this for a grown man but it might improve things.

If he still doesn't help then think about whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life...

What I have learnt from similar threads, and has helped:

Write a list of everything you do. Everything.
Ask him what he does. Ask him if the little he does sounds reasonable.
Ask him which half of the list he would like to do, or take turns choosing tasks.
Print it out with a tick list and stick it on the fridge
Update and adjust if needed. Especially when baby arrives.

But to be Frank, if it has got this far when he couldn't be bothered to help out his pregnant, poorly wife, it's probably not going to improve.

It’s not fair and you shouldn’t be having to deal with this. I’m so sorry you have to.

I especially wanted to comment because I have dizziness/feeling faint and a few straightforward things help - in my case, the things that help most are wearing compression tights, a stool to sit on in the kitchen so I avoid standing, drinking water little and often and taking rests throughout the day so I don’t get exhausted. There’s a good website called something like stop syncope which has some excellent info. Do check with a doctor/midwife if there’s anything else you can do eg if extra salt would be appropriate for you.

Sorry if this is unhelpful or stuff you already know.

What's he doing instead?

Obvs you mean well, but as long as this attitude of 'helping her' in the house continues in society, nothing will change.
They both work full time, they both live in the house, ergo the responsibility is equal.
This is what you need to tell him OP. If it's a case of your standards being higher than his he needs to shape up whilst you need to see if there are any areas you can accept a little lower.

He sounds absolutely revolting. Even if you weren't poorly this would be awful. Was he like this when you got together or has it gotten worse since the pregnancy? If it's the former I'm struggling to understand why you'd choose to have a baby with him and create more work for yourself! He needs an ultimatum, either he pulls his finger out or you're gone.

Is there someone you can go and live with for a bit?

You need to stop now to prevent a miscarriage or premature delivery. I say this as someone who had bleeding at an early stage and lost a baby at 16 weeks and had a premature baby at 28 weeks. Down tools and preserve your pregnancy, it's as simple as that.

You are worth what you settle for.

IMO none of this is a “common mum rant” on here, your husband is a lazy waster and you’re enabling his behaviour. I’d be gone, raising a child alone will be easier than having to parent him and a baby.

The messages here are harsh but that's because people are angry on her behalf.
Op needs to find her fight and deal with this before a lifetime of misery.
It really will be a lifetime of misery if it doesn't get dealt with.

Who you choose is who you get. They don't change when you give them a housework rota, or sit them down to express your feelings. These men are adults. They know how adulting works, and they choose to let someone else do it for them.

Choose to leave and have one less person to look after.

You need to contact your medical team and get checked out. The next time your husband leaves the place in a mess I would film it.
Film the mess before getting him to clean it up.

Film the mess and send the film to his mother and family and tell them that he refuses to do anything in the house but make a mess. Tell them that you facing this every day despite being 5 months pregnant with a heart condition and you had enough.

Give his gaming things to one of your friends for safe keeping.
Tell him he will get them back when he starts to pull his weight in the house. Tell him with no gaming he will have time to do the cooking, cleaning and washing.
Tell him since he is acting like a bold child he will be treated like one.

Bring his friends around and let them see the mess of the place and tell them well X refuse to clean up. He won't do any washing or cooking either and at 5 months pregnant with a heart condition I am not able to this.

No gaming, his mother and sisters giving out to him and letting his friends see the mess he make should make him realise that you have had enough.

He’s said he thinks you need to slow down, so do what he do lovingly (NOT) has told you.

Stop cooking for him

Don’t do his laundry.

Stop clearing up.

Just wash one bowl and mug for your breakfast.

WHY is the first response people have to threads like this the desire to make it all somehow OP’s fault? Either for not instantly recognising that her man has it in him to be a lazy twat, or for not transforming him single-handedly into someone who pulls his weight, or for not realising that a lazy man won’t change…?

How does this help the OP?

There are a lot of men who start out as equal
partners and then slack off once the relationship is made
permanent and the pressure’s off to impress, and the woman finds herself in a situation that’s really hard to get out of - she’s financially entangled with him, pregnant, etc., because that seemed like a safe and sensible thing to do when things were going well.

There are also red flags that just won’t be obvious to someone who’s had relational trauma, or who’s grown up in a home where the woman does everything.

There are also people who are so used to putting everyone else’s needs first they don’t even realise they’re doing it, and it’s only when health problems emerge that make it hard to keep carrying the entire load for everyone, that they notice nobody else around them cares enough to help. And that is an incredibly scary and heartbreaking situation.

Why do posters want to make women in these circumstances feel even worse?? So they can feel smug about their own good luck and perfect choices and impeccable judgement? By rubbing someone else’s nose in it? Honestly, I fucking despair sometimes.

This is really hard, OP. Is the relationship good in other respects? Is he able to hear it when you say how angry this makes you? I agree with others that this will not get any better when the baby is here. But it’s probably important to establish whether the two of you need some practical support with the executive function stuff, or whether he really is just happy to let you do everything, with no intention of doing things differently himself. These are two different issues.

Off the top of my head here are a couple of ideas:

• sit down and mutually agree a rota
• buy yourself a secret stash of cardboard plates for your use only. Don't wash anything. Stay strong here.
• tell him he needs to pay for a housekeeper to cover his half of the cleaning (obviously, if you have shared finances this plan might need some finessing).

You need to stop doing any of his laundry. If he leaves his dirty laundry in the drum, take it out and do your own load.

Unfortunately this is going to be really difficult for you in the immediate aftermath of having a baby because you really need other people to help you. I suggest you batch cook yourself your own meals prior to having a baby so you can just reheat them without involving DH.

I think the jersey ones are more casual than the other material ones.

A wake up call is ‘leave him’ not ‘you should never got pregnant by him’ 🙄

If you are married and doing as you suggest, then what sort of life is that. For anyone including the child. Might as well be flat mates that don’t really like each other.

Its an either or or situation

either this man undergoes a tidal change in his approach to life and his wife OR the OP must leave him.

Neither will happen

Because there is a child involved in this bleak marriage. And they will have to endure this environment unless the op takes action. Now

That's not a marriage.