I carry the entire load - but is it on me?

[Boodlebun]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been the easiest ride; I get spotting and had a few bleeds (checks always come back normal thank god), I am under cardiology because I have a heart condition (baby hasn’t developed this), and most recently I keep getting very dizzy and faint which can last a few hours a day. The doctors haven’t really done much about any of it, which I guess means nothing serious, but it still leaves me feeling awful nearly all day everyday.

both my husband and I work full time. I am thinking I might have to go on Mat leave as soon as possible due to my poor health. But, the issue is, what difference would it make? I still have to do everything in the house. The mental load is still heavy.

i know this is an extremely common Mum rant - my husband doesn’t lift a finger whilst I do all of it so on and so forth, and I really hate to be one of those people who complains.

every morning, I come downstairs to see the kitchen in a state, so I have to clean it. No mugs or bowls for me for breakfast because the dishwasher was not run, so that’s my first job. Cooking all meals, doing all laundry, food shops, dog feeding and walks, hoovering, bed sheets on and on. You know, the standard of owning a house and maintaining it.

last week, I fell. Going back to those faint spells, I was half way through doing the dishes, the dog was running around, husband still asleep because he went to bed at 3am, and suddenly my lights went out for a split second and I hit the floor (straight down on bum so really luckily baby was fine).

i sobbed and was inconsolable, saying over and over again I don’t want to harm the baby, I want to keep him safe. The way I am going, I know I am harming us, and my god it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible mother before I even got the chance to say hello.

i should add here, he regularly says he will help. That I need to be slowing down and he will take on more jobs. So I leave it a day or so. Then, we have no clean clothes or underwear, the kitchen is a state, dog hasn’t been out in a few days. It’s a lot of words, very little follow through until I get back up and do it again.

so I started small. I asked him to fill the dishwasher before coming to bed, first time whilst I cooked dinner. Yes, of course my love. I asked again after dinner. Yes, of course my love. Third time before I went up to bed. Sure thing, my love.

i came downstairs this morning to the biggest middle finger I had ever seen. More plates and cups had been added to the pile. Rubbish wrappers in the lounge.

i can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I don’t know how to continue in this loop. Maybe it’s me. Am I being too hard? Am I being dramatic?

Well, it's a valid point.

If there was no baby, things would be different - adults can do what they want - but there's now an innocent child that's being brought into this utter shit show.

I think it's important to ask how the whole situation came about - maybe it will stop another woman ending up like this.

I think it's important to ask how the whole situation came about - maybe it will stop another woman ending up like this

Yes and the irony is there's another woman on MN on another thread who is going to end up the same but instead of posters saying "Get rid of the lazy fuck now because he'll be worse when you have children", she got completely and utterly flamed because apparently she has an easy life (no children yet), earns 85K and he earns much less and apparently it's therefore ok for him to sit around doing sweet fuck all because she doesn't have that much to do.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4778520-my-day-versus-his-day?page=35&reply=125268984

I have no idea why all these posters piled on her - should have been a clear case of "Get rid of this fucker now", because the next stage is what is happening to the OP on this thread - pregnant, ill and the place is a pigsty because some lazy ass cocklodger can't manage to empty a fucking dishwasher or do some laundry or even pick up food wrappers in the lounge.

If you are actually living like this it’s going to get worse. You know what to do, put yourself first, either leave him or tell him to go.

No matter how hard it will be as a single parent it won’t be as hard as living with him. Your physical work is about to double, your mental load will probably treble.

You can’t change him, he’s not going to step up. Don’t live a life where you get used to being disappointed and grateful for the scraps.

This isn't on. You need to sit and and agree a division of chores. You need to rest and he needs to pick up slack. Presumably he works, so he's capable of doing tasks , taking responsibility. If he's not doing it for you it's because he doesn't care enough. If he's not willing to change, this will only get worse when baby is here.

Leave him (if you can)

He won't get better because he doesn't care.

He will be shocked because he probably thinks he does care but no decent man leaves his poorly pregnant partner to do it all

Have you family support? Do you own or rent?

I know it's not what you wanted, but start planning

But it's not helping the OP

I think you have to face this head on now as it will only get worse as the workload in the house increases and you both become hugely sleep deprived with a newborn. What you do over the next 14 weeks until your due date sets the precedent and tone for the rest of your lives. From where you are now today there is no way he will take on half the responsibility and work that a baby brings.

Firstly, do not step in. I'd be amazed if there wasn't a single vessel you could eat breakfast from without the dishwasher going on, or a single pair of clean knickers if he didn't put the washer on. Don't get me wrong I'd be livid. But I'd calmly take out a bowl/use a mixing bowl instead and add it to the pile when done. He needs to feel the pain of it becoming an inconvenience to HIM. It becoming and inconvenience to you is just him thinking you are a nag or have ridiculous standards.

I think I'd also explain to him with a death stare how him not following through on an agreement (even to put the dishwasher on) makes you feel totally disrespected. That it is that serious. Also how uncaring he seems about the pregnancy and your health.

I couldn’t shag a man so lazy, sexist and selfish. He’s got no self respect and sounds grim.

It sounds like you’re going to stay with him while working yourself into the ground. So best of luck.

I want to say thank you for everyone who has offered meaningful support and advice. It’s been an overwhelming day which is why I haven’t responded until now.

i get it, it’s an internet post from a total stranger and cannot depict the years we’ve been together and full picture of it all. But there have been a lot of comments on here that have surprised me, and made me feel very bad about myself that I don’t think have been necessary.

i have come to realise that I am far too passive in this situation. And I know me saying that actually makes me even more passive about it all, by blaming myself. I don’t blame myself for this. I did not sign up for any of this. This isn’t how things have always been. But I let it fester to this horrendous point, where our relationship is not a good one.

no I’m not going to sit here and defend him. But I’m also not going to take on even more self blame by “getting pregnant by this man”. I deeply wanted this.

i am thinking of an action plan now as I have a clearer head. I will come back to discuss what that might be.

If he hasn’t always been a lazy twat who thinks he’s too good to do housework therefore it’s your job, what’s changed and why?

It’s great you’re pregnant as that’s what you wanted. Did you think it would make him buck his ideas up? It clearly hasn’t so I wouldn’t hold out hope he’ll get any better once you’ve had your baby so a plan for how you’ll cope is a good idea.

If you end up having a section you won’t be able to do plenty of things, even if you want to, even if he won’t do them, for a while. I’m recovering from one and if my husband was behaving like yours is, endangering my health by being a selfish bastard, I’d hate him and our relationship would be dead.

no I’m not going to sit here and defend him. But I’m also not going to take on even more self blame by “getting pregnant by this man”. I deeply wanted this.

I'm gobsmacked OP.

I genuinely (hand on heart) assumed this would be an accidental pregnancy.

I have no words except good luck with everything

Depressing how low women’s standards are on here.

I'm so sorry, @Boodlebun at all the 'why did you get pregnant' posts..
Obviously you never realised how your DH would be as you've not been in this position before.
There wouldn't be many babies born if we all waited for other halves to be Husband or Partner of the century..
I hope you can work something out, chores on a calendar or something..

God love you OP.

He could care less about you and that child.

Your life is only going to get a lot worse unfortunately.

If you have family?
Move home.

Get out now.

You married a total loser, an utter waster.

Start thinking how you are going to protect yourself and who you are going to have to rely on.

It certainly isn't that loser.

Tell family and friends the truth.

Good luck.

There wouldn't be many babies born if we all waited for other halves to be Husband or Partner of the century..

You think that would be a bad thing?

Worse than women martyring themselves, useless men being pandered to, the next generation of girls and boys, women and men, growing up thinking these ridiculous sexist dynamics are normal and should be perpetuated? That men are too good to do the jobs that make their environments clean and comfortable, keep them in meals and clean clothes?

If OP stays with this chump and has a son he’ll grow up thinking women exist to serve him. If she has a daughter she’ll learn that her place is to skivvy for men.

Her bloke is to blame for his behaviour but she’s responsible for indulging it because she thinks mums deserve nothing more.

Unfortunately, humans like this don't change and sadly, you'll be looking after the baby and everything else on top once baby arrives. Why did you choose to have children with him without wanting to sound mean?

Well ?

I’m also not going to take on even more self blame by “getting pregnant by this man”. I deeply wanted this.

Sigh. Why?

Some really nasty replies on here. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Your DH needs to step up, you already know that. Might I suggest looking in to the fair play cards/book by Eve Rodsky. It’s a conversation starter and might help your DH realise just how much you do and how he really needs to pull his weight. I hope you feel better soon, best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth.

He already knows his behaviour is shit, he just doesn't care.

Please don't waste your precious energy communicating with him about things no half decent human should need to be told. Can you go to parents, family or friends for a bit?

He won't change. It will just get worse once the baby is here. Rip the plaster off now and leave him to stew in his own filth.

@Nanny0gg well, if even one woman reads this thread and decides against having a baby with a husband like OP's, that's a bloody good thing IMO.

It may not be helpful for OP but you can't really do much to advise someone who actively chose a shit situation to bring a child into.

She’s got a heart problem and has been fainting and sobbing, that hasn’t got him pitching in never mind taking on the bulk or all of it like a decent human being so she can rest but you think a book will change his mind?

He’s literally watching her breaking down rather than loading the dishwasher. He couldn’t give a toss.

All this "you shouldn't have got pregnant" talk is so smug and stupid.

See, time only goes in one direction within the context of our lives on Earth. The OP cannot go backwards in time.

However, congratulations to all those people who are feeling good about themselves by not being pregnant at least for now Well done! Maybe start your own thread where you can compare yourselves favourably to unhappy mothers endlessly.

OP, you are right that men not stepping up is a common problem. It's not your fault, it's society. He gets away with it.

It's hard to change a man, but I've seen it done. Men do sometimes wake up and improve a bit, if you yell at them constantly communicate clearly enough.

Your husband is putting your and your child's life at risk with this.

He is an absolute pig and doesn't deserve a family.