I carry the entire load - but is it on me?

[Boodlebun]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been the easiest ride; I get spotting and had a few bleeds (checks always come back normal thank god), I am under cardiology because I have a heart condition (baby hasn’t developed this), and most recently I keep getting very dizzy and faint which can last a few hours a day. The doctors haven’t really done much about any of it, which I guess means nothing serious, but it still leaves me feeling awful nearly all day everyday.

both my husband and I work full time. I am thinking I might have to go on Mat leave as soon as possible due to my poor health. But, the issue is, what difference would it make? I still have to do everything in the house. The mental load is still heavy.

i know this is an extremely common Mum rant - my husband doesn’t lift a finger whilst I do all of it so on and so forth, and I really hate to be one of those people who complains.

every morning, I come downstairs to see the kitchen in a state, so I have to clean it. No mugs or bowls for me for breakfast because the dishwasher was not run, so that’s my first job. Cooking all meals, doing all laundry, food shops, dog feeding and walks, hoovering, bed sheets on and on. You know, the standard of owning a house and maintaining it.

last week, I fell. Going back to those faint spells, I was half way through doing the dishes, the dog was running around, husband still asleep because he went to bed at 3am, and suddenly my lights went out for a split second and I hit the floor (straight down on bum so really luckily baby was fine).

i sobbed and was inconsolable, saying over and over again I don’t want to harm the baby, I want to keep him safe. The way I am going, I know I am harming us, and my god it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible mother before I even got the chance to say hello.

i should add here, he regularly says he will help. That I need to be slowing down and he will take on more jobs. So I leave it a day or so. Then, we have no clean clothes or underwear, the kitchen is a state, dog hasn’t been out in a few days. It’s a lot of words, very little follow through until I get back up and do it again.

so I started small. I asked him to fill the dishwasher before coming to bed, first time whilst I cooked dinner. Yes, of course my love. I asked again after dinner. Yes, of course my love. Third time before I went up to bed. Sure thing, my love.

i came downstairs this morning to the biggest middle finger I had ever seen. More plates and cups had been added to the pile. Rubbish wrappers in the lounge.

i can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I don’t know how to continue in this loop. Maybe it’s me. Am I being too hard? Am I being dramatic?

I'm so sorry. His words don't match his actions.
If he can watch his pregnant wife with a heart condition struggle and faint then he obviously doesn't care one bit about you or his coming DC
I can only imagine he will get worse when baby arrives.
Do you have friends or family you could stay with for a break?
Please look after yourself because he won't

What a lazily sexist pig he is.

Stop doing anything for him - just do your own food shop, cooking and laundry.

Hope you're ok op.

The useless, lazy cunt won’t change. You’re pregnant, working full time, have a heart condition and more than that, feel like shit and he has made it perfectly clear he doesn’t give a toss about any of that. None of it. He only cares about himself and whatever he’s doing until 3am.

Leave him now. Can you go stay with any family who will help and care for you?

Okay so this is the first and last time I will be using this site. As I said before, thank you for all of those who have offered meaningful and helpful support.

im going to walk away from this thread. Not because of how I don’t want to face the reality like other people have suggested and then add other posts later on about how nothing has changed. But because of the vile things I have read about myself in these responses.

I thought this would be a really supportive site for mums/ new parents. Nope just seems to be some extremely judgemental people who look down their noses at others whenever they get a chance.

if anyone else ever finds themselves in this situation and comes to this thread for advice. Please do try and find another similar post and don’t walk away from this one feeling like some stupid woman who can’t got herself knocked up.

How is it in anyway helpful to criticise a woman for becoming pregnant when she’s already pregnant? And ill? Why do some hold her responsible for his failings? It’s not helpful so I wish posters would keep those feelings to themselves.

The reality of the OP’s situation is miserable. He is failing. She is vulnerable. He doesn’t care. But posts criticising her for that helps no one, but in some cases, with some posters, it’s not tough love, it’s motivated by a spiteful desire to feel better about their own lives by kicking someone when they’re really, really down.

OP I think many people can identify with wanting a child enough that you ignore what seem like minor thing pre-pregnancy. I think it’s also not uncommon to see women say their husbands changed when they got pregnant. I don’t know what he was like previously.

Going forward I doubt he’s going to change, you are clearly struggling and he doesn’t really care. I think you need to think about what you want your life looking like going forward. Consider if you are ok with this being your everyday reality because it really doesn’t have to be. If you can go to family then go to family for the moment, you need to prioritise your health and wellbeing.

Ij

Op I am sorry that some of the responses here have been hard to read. I hope you do come back to read the thread. Your situation sounds really tough and your husband really does need to step up a lot. Regarding the heart condition, you really need proper monitoring. I don’t know what your one is, but I have one too and every time I have been pregnant it’s been closely monitored. This is because I was also having fainting spells for what is normally not a big issue when I’m not pregnant. I would seek extra help on this first and foremost as it’s not normal to be left to your own devices when this is happening. The symptoms are likely very treatable without harming the baby. I am on a beta blocker during all pregnancies to prevent the fainting and tachy runs that pregnancy has made worse so it might well be worth enquiring about this. I’m sure the fact you are doing everything is also not helping your health at all. I do agree with maybe staying with family for a while and the maternity leave as you said might be earlier than planned. However I don’t agree with people giving you a hard time, it’s unnecessary and in my opinion rather cruel. This is your situation and really it’s solutions you need. Is there any way at all you can get help else where if you do want to stay? With cleaning for example? I know you shouldn’t have to but really you just need the load taken off you at this point especially if you decide not to leave!

I’m so sorry OP but this is him showing his abusive side. They often don’t reveal their true arseholiness until they’ve got you trapped with their child. I seriously doubt he’s ever going to change, ffs he left the dog for two days without walking it - that’s just cruel.

You have two choices now, either just put up with the misery of it all or start making plans to leave him.

I have no idea if you'll read this, but I hope you do

You are with a horrible selfish man

You don't deserve to be treated as he treats you

But now you are responsible for another life and the baby DEFINITELY doesn't deserve to live each day with a horrible man

You need to leave this man and never allow yourself to be treated like this again, by anyone

Oh and OP if you do come back to read the rest of the thread, please just ignore the nasty comments. It seems to happen a lot now. There has been an influx of posters with different mindsets, I don’t know if this is down to age or the fact MN now no longer appears to be a mainly UK/EU site. Sadly the supportive nature of MN has changed a lot lately so you are probably right about not continuing to post here TBH.

I do think however that you could be in an abusive relationship. For those who have blamed you for having a child with him, they clearly don’t understand this.

There is absolutely nothing wrong for realising you’ve made a mistake and getting yourself and your child out of the situation.

For real-life support, try the Freedom Programme and your local Women’s Centre if you have one.

And to all the posters who are taking the “waste of space, shithead” opinion.

MN has been a safe space for women who have found themselves in abusive relationships probably for longer than you’ve been out of nappies.

So, seriously please, please take your immature, judgypants attitudes elsewhere. it’s so incredibly unkind.

MN is also a place that's known for being honest.

He is a shithead and a waste of space. How else would you describe a man who, knowing his wife is pregnant and suffering from fainting spells, still chooses to sit on his arse and contribute nothing to the running of the house?

That doesn't mean you can't also be sympathetic but I don't think it does OP any favours to sugarcoat this.

@SecretSwirrel

I don’t know if this is down to age or the fact MN now no longer appears to be a mainly UK/EU site. Sadly the supportive nature of MN has changed a lot lately so you are probably right about not continuing to post here TBH.

I will tell you what it is op

more and more children dragged in to absolute shit shows and absolutely no one advocating for them.

Its not honesty, it’s victim blaming.

so you regard “other” countries as less supportive than the UK? @SecretSwirrel

Blimey, what rock did you crawl out from???

So do you think women actually want plan this for their children?

You do realise it is possible to find yourself in an abusive relationship, with children, get yourself out of it and bring them up to be perfectly rounded, well-educated adults?

Or do you have an issue with single-parents too? 🤔

I am a single parent 🙄

It is women that go on to have multiple children with someone who has never proved themselves to be anything other than a twat.

it is women that move in twats in to their children’s home.

it is women like that op who, knowing her partner is like this, chooses to bring a child in to the circus

there has to be ownership and just patting on the head and saying “there there” is going to do bugger all. The op needs to woman up, move on, advocate for herself and her baby and not (please god) choose to have another child with him

I think that ships well and truly sailed! !

But I let it fester to this horrendous point, where our relationship is not a good one.

and I think what’s disturbing posters is that despite knowing this, the op actively chose to have a baby with him.

MN used to be a great site til journalists started taking stories from here. This attracted a whole new load of people who seemed to be intolerant and uncaring.

Op, if you do by some chance want to come back and get some better support, try posting in the relationship section.
You'll get kinder responses there.

Okay so this is the first and last time I will be using this site.

I guarantee that this will not be the “last time I will be using this site”

Actually you’re the Twat (and quite possible an antagonistic troll) and what has God got to do with all of this anyway?

😂