I carry the entire load - but is it on me?

[Boodlebun]

I am 26 weeks pregnant. It hasn’t been the easiest ride; I get spotting and had a few bleeds (checks always come back normal thank god), I am under cardiology because I have a heart condition (baby hasn’t developed this), and most recently I keep getting very dizzy and faint which can last a few hours a day. The doctors haven’t really done much about any of it, which I guess means nothing serious, but it still leaves me feeling awful nearly all day everyday.

both my husband and I work full time. I am thinking I might have to go on Mat leave as soon as possible due to my poor health. But, the issue is, what difference would it make? I still have to do everything in the house. The mental load is still heavy.

i know this is an extremely common Mum rant - my husband doesn’t lift a finger whilst I do all of it so on and so forth, and I really hate to be one of those people who complains.

every morning, I come downstairs to see the kitchen in a state, so I have to clean it. No mugs or bowls for me for breakfast because the dishwasher was not run, so that’s my first job. Cooking all meals, doing all laundry, food shops, dog feeding and walks, hoovering, bed sheets on and on. You know, the standard of owning a house and maintaining it.

last week, I fell. Going back to those faint spells, I was half way through doing the dishes, the dog was running around, husband still asleep because he went to bed at 3am, and suddenly my lights went out for a split second and I hit the floor (straight down on bum so really luckily baby was fine).

i sobbed and was inconsolable, saying over and over again I don’t want to harm the baby, I want to keep him safe. The way I am going, I know I am harming us, and my god it breaks my heart and makes me feel like a terrible mother before I even got the chance to say hello.

i should add here, he regularly says he will help. That I need to be slowing down and he will take on more jobs. So I leave it a day or so. Then, we have no clean clothes or underwear, the kitchen is a state, dog hasn’t been out in a few days. It’s a lot of words, very little follow through until I get back up and do it again.

so I started small. I asked him to fill the dishwasher before coming to bed, first time whilst I cooked dinner. Yes, of course my love. I asked again after dinner. Yes, of course my love. Third time before I went up to bed. Sure thing, my love.

i came downstairs this morning to the biggest middle finger I had ever seen. More plates and cups had been added to the pile. Rubbish wrappers in the lounge.

i can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I don’t know how to continue in this loop. Maybe it’s me. Am I being too hard? Am I being dramatic?

he regularly says he will help.
HELP??? You mean pull his weight and behave like an adult.
Why on earth did you get impregnated by this waste of space?

He sounds so selfish. You deserve better. From now on leave everything and only wash up what you need for your meal as you need it. Wash your clothes and not his. Feed yourself and leave him to it. If he asks why just be honest.

He'll only get worse wants the baby comes. Your life would be easier as a single mum

Why do you hate to be one of those people who complains?

if that’s your approach, and you think women should be martyrs, then this issue is ‘on you’, yes.

if you can’t communicate with him about how absurd and disrespectful his behaviour is, then counselling feels like a good place to start.

Kick him out

Sadly this is true. I have sympathy with you op, i was in your exact situation even down to him now caring when I was ill.... He said "if you're that bad go to hospital". I think you've had some harsh words on hear that aren't very fair on you. Not everybody finds themselves in an abusive relationship that gradually gets worse and worse over time to the point you don't have a clue how you ended up in such a mess. Google boiled frog. Those people are very fortunate. It's only the ones who have been there that understand. But in the kindest possible way, please leave him. Of course his dreadful behaviour and laziness is not your fault but I can promise you this situation will get much worse. They never improve, trust me on that. Wishing you and your baby all the luck in the world for a peaceful and happy life. And I agree, it's definitely easier as a single mum. You will have a peace that you will never have living with a man like that x

You can pipe all the way down with that bollocks re: ‘gaming or porn’.
Not comparable at all, how dare you!

How did you get into this situation? Why are you doing all the cooking? And all the shopping/laundry/cleaning etc etc etc?

What would he do if you told him it was his turn to do the food shop and cook and just didn't do it yourself? What would he do if you only did your own laundry and left his? Why are you still doing everything for him and not doing anything about it?

He needs to be an adult. It's not 'helping' you because it isn't your job to do everything for him. It's just being basically competent as a person. Don't be a doormat, otherwise he'll continue to walk over you when have the baby.

If you have a girl would you want her to see how he treats you and grow up thinking that's how she has to be and act in a relationship?

I'd take photos of the mess and literally point it out to him. Not that you should need to bloody do this!! Pure bloody laziness and disrespect on his part. My XH was like this. Oh he was more than happy to do things around the house, but only on his own terms and in his own sweet time. Which meant hardly bloody ever! But he'd be keen to dash off and be knight in shining armour to whichever friend/family member needed help (just not his wife).
I'm single now. Yes I work FT and am solo parenting two DC (so everything really is on me), but it's a damned site easier now than it was before.

Yep. Another woman doomed to be shackled to some lazy selfish dipstick and their kids learning the same shitty relationship model for the next generation.

He's a waster.

Your best bet is to leave him as he is showing his total lack of care for you and your unborn baby

You picked him. You not only married him but decided to have children with him. Why? He must have some redeeming qualities.

How many people are in the house? It sounds like there are just the two of you as you don’t mention any other children. How is the house getting to the state that it is if there are just two of you that both work full time?

The next OP post will be ‘oh but he is a such a great husband’

I have been know to take photos of such broken promises and send them to teenage children and say did you mean to be so rude and uncaring etc...

Tbh though I'd lookat your options. Where are you family/support if this abusive idiot is not around? If the answer is in another town and you can move there BEFORE BABY IS born then I would do so... much easier than after as he can block you then.

This

In that situati

In that situation I'd have stormed into his room and woke him up by handing him some washing up liquid and a sponge and made him do it. And then all the other chores that he'd promised to do but not. And I'd be telling him if he didnt do his share from now on I'd be leaving. And I'd move back with parents for a bit before I decided if I could live with someone so selfish in the future and see if he showed any sign of changing.

How did you ever get into the situation where you do absolutely everything and he can't even load the dishwasher with 3 reminders?

I would start by only doing the stuff you need. So no more doing his laundry. No more cooking for him. No washing up. Wash up just the things you need for a meal for you and nothing else. Leave dirty in the sink until the next time you want to eat and then wash up only what is needed for you.

And while you are doing this, give yourself some time to think about what you really want. He is absolutely useless and unlikely to get any better. He's not going to start doing things once the baby is born.

I mean, I don't know what you want people to say.

Of course it's not acceptable but unless his behaviour changed overnight - you picked him. You married him and chose to have a baby with him.

What did you expect?

I'm sorry OP. I imagine it's gradually become this way over time otherwise you'd never have married him.

I agree you need to stop mothering him and enabling this selfish behaviour. I would also be preparing for a serious talk about how this isn't a future you're prepared to accept.

A man who does fuck-all when it's just the two of you is absolutely guaranteed to turn into a man who does fuck-all for his kids. I'm sorry for you and everything, but honestly, when you got pregnant by this man the writing was already on the wall.

Unless your life's ambition is to skivvy for a grown man, you might as well go ahead and leave now; he won't change.

I'm with you, It's every post, very depressing. I just did not get it why look after a lazy shit then get pregnant? Day one look at what they do at parents house don't like it don't go there refuse to do it all he has no clothes and? he's not got food and? They would never get into this position.

What a dick. I haven’t been able to go in the kitchen because the smell makes me nauseous (morning sickness) and so DP has done 95% of the cooking, cleaning etc, no complaints.

It seems some think they are great partners because they don't hit them and occasionally take them out.

Do you have supportive parents who would take you in? I want to advise you to leave him but I don't want you to live alone if you're fainting a lot.