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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think school lied to demonise my son?

105 replies

AnyoneandEveryone · 08/04/2023 01:10

DS (15) attended a special school for 3 months last year. He had been in mainstream school before then. He has ASD and learning difficulties so had issues with following instructions and inappropriate behaviour which led to bullying. School did not care and were actively trying to get me to put him in a PRU.

Special school had a mix of abilities with DS being on the higher side.

The head seemed to take a dislike to him quite soon afterwards as she felt he was a bad influence on the other DC as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings. She had told me she was going to tell the local authority he needed a change of placement. Nothing was reported in terms of disruptive behaviour.

Last December I was called to collect him in the early afternoon. I asked why and was told that he’d been outside and was refusing to come in.

I arrived to witness 6 staff members (2 on each leg, one on each arm) carrying him facedown towards me across the playground! I was told he’d needed restraint as he’d been violent to a staff member.

I was in shock as he’d never been violent before or needed any kind of restraint. Just seeing him being carried like that absolutely horrified me. Can’t get that image out of my head sometimes.

I asked for a full written report of what led up to this and obviously said he wouldn’t be returning.

The report listed a weeks worth of incidences leading up to the day he was restrained (on a Friday). It detailed DS smashing up classrooms, threatening staff with a metal pole, swearing at staff, destroying other DCs work, running round the school and outside and trying to climb the school fence, threatening to throw a computer, writing on walls and loads of other stuff.

I had not been informed of any of this until they called me on the Friday and I would expect to be called to immediately collect him if my DS was threatening staff with a metal pole (very serious IMO) and would expect to be informed of any damage he’d done! Not a word was said about any of this until I read the report.

At his mainstream secondary, he’d never so much as sworn at staff or damaged anything.

It transpired that one the Friday, he’d gone out to the rear playground as he was anxious and had refused to come inside when told so was locked outside for 4 hours (this is their timeline) as staff felt he looked agitated. He had also climbed up onto the roof of an outbuilding, kicking off the roofing and been hitting a tree with a big stick. The ‘violence’ was him pushing past a staff member when he was let back in (he said he was very cold) and hitting her shoulder with his.

Why they didn’t call me when he looked ‘agitated’ and refused to come in I don’t understand. Why leave him outside for 4 hours in December?

AIBU to think this was very odd and school said this to get rid of him?

He is having to be homeschooled now so I can’t work as can’t find another school for him.

OP posts:
Oxterguff · 08/04/2023 01:36

Just to check that I understand your post, he went to a special school for 3 months and this is the school you are talking about? If so firstly, I am assuming that the school will be used to this sort of behaviour. Secondly, please don’t take this the wrong way but what would the school possibly have to gain from lying about him? Schools are judged negatively for exclusions etc. I find it concerning that this is your response to your child being violent towards a member of staff! I have taught many students with ASD and have yet to be threatened with violence. ASD isn’t an excuse, your son is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. If he had actually hit a member of staff then he could be facing criminal charges. You need to deal with his behaviour otherwise he’s going to continue to do the same in another provision. I’m not sure who to contact for support with this but I’m sure others will suggest places. Good luck!

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2023 01:37

In order for him to get a place in a special school his behaviours must have been at the extreme end of challenging in his mainstream school. Why did you have meetings with the Head before this incident? Again, they must have had reason to call you in.
it’s unclear about your timeline of events. You said you arrived to see him being carried across the playground, but then say he assaulted the staff member when she let him back inside.
Have you chosen to keep him at home or did the school exclude him? If you did, you may find it nigh on impossible to get him into another school - he will still need a special school. What has the LA advised?

NurseCranesRolodex · 08/04/2023 01:54

In the SEN school there would need to be some kind of 'management plan/Support doc' where it states that staff are trained in physical restraints and ask you to sign the docs so you agree that for his safety physical intervention may be required. You need to have seen this written down and signed something or have been given a signpost of how to get more info. Violent behaviour can be common depending on the child's well being, presentation and school culture. Why was your child moved if there were no issues in mainstream, was this your choice for them in the first instance. It's really distressing seeing restraints so seeing your own child like that must have been traumatic, I'm really sorry its become like this. I think you need to speak to the school about the behaviour they see, ask how it's being monitored, is there a pattern, what is his need at the time..... Its a very skilled job to do well but you can build bridges if this is where he will be. He needs strategies to cope with triggers and demands and needs to learn ways to put this in practice for the real world. Does he have a positive way to relax, can he make friends?

ReadersD1gest · 08/04/2023 01:59

she felt he was a bad influence on the other DC as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings
This sounds quite ominous. How did this knowledge of more mature stuff manifest itself?

ShonaShoop · 08/04/2023 02:10

Can I ask what is your understanding of why your DS attended a special school OP. Was it as a recommendation from his previous school or was it your choice?

Minimalme · 08/04/2023 04:14

It sounds as though a PRU would have been a good choice though?

Special schools have the most vulnerable children and they have to be protected from children who display physical and disruptive behaviour.

I'm sorry, sounds like a difficult situation.

Spikeyball · 08/04/2023 06:05

The school should have told you about the incidents as they happened. There should have been a behaviour support plan in place detailing how behaviour would be managed and restraints that may be used. My child's school would never carry a young person to a parent like that. They would use restraints but wouldn't be moving a child to the parent until the child was calmer.
I think it was unlikely they were lying but the situation has been badly managed and it isn't the right school.
There should have been an emergency ehcp review.

TrashyPanda · 08/04/2023 06:09

Why was a PRU being considered?

MissingMoominMamma · 08/04/2023 06:12

Was the special school the PRU?

eartodaygonetomorrow · 08/04/2023 06:20

I work in a mainstream school and have been regularly punched, kicked, strangled and bitten by children with additional needs. It's common practice to restrain a child if this happens. It's something that we are trained in and not something that we have to ask the parent about first, we have to put our safety and the safety of the other children around them a priority in those instances and so safely restraining the child is the only option. I know it would have been distressing to see your son being held like that but they must have thought there was enough of a reason to need to restrain him for his and their safety.

Spikeyball · 08/04/2023 06:39

'I know it would have been distressing to see your son being held like that but they must have thought there was enough of a reason to need to restrain him for his and their safety."

It is questionable why they are carrying him using 6 staff. If a young person's behaviour is that difficult to manage you would use physical management in one place. You wouldn't move them because that has more risk of harm.

Punxsutawney · 08/04/2023 06:47

You need an emergency review of his EHCP.

In order for him to get a place in a special school his behaviours must have been at the extreme end of challenging in his mainstream school.
Not true. My Ds attends a specialist SEMH placement and he's never once displayed any extreme or challenging behaviours, either there or at his previous mainstream schools.

Morph22010 · 08/04/2023 06:58

Minimalme · 08/04/2023 04:14

It sounds as though a PRU would have been a good choice though?

Special schools have the most vulnerable children and they have to be protected from children who display physical and disruptive behaviour.

I'm sorry, sounds like a difficult situation.

It depends on the school, my sons at special school and there is quite a lot of violence from kids including him at times. The school are good at managing it, it’s an asd school

name985 · 08/04/2023 07:33

Children often behave in a way that would shock their parents. When they are away from home and with peers behaviour changes.

Not entirely dismissing your concerns, because perhaps you are right. However, what do the school stand to gain by lying?

Quveas · 08/04/2023 07:56

With the best will in the world it is hard to see your own child as a problem, but there are some questions here. His first school didn't want him because of "inappropriate behaviour" and "issues following instructions". Three months of a special school and he is refusing to follow instructions and "a bad influence on the other DC as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings". I'd have to echo what a pp said - exactly what does this "inappropriate behaviour" entail, because a lot of what you seem to call "mature stuff" would be highly inappropriate within any school, or, indeed, anywhere? There seems to be more to this than you are saying.

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2023 07:56

Spikeyball · 08/04/2023 06:39

'I know it would have been distressing to see your son being held like that but they must have thought there was enough of a reason to need to restrain him for his and their safety."

It is questionable why they are carrying him using 6 staff. If a young person's behaviour is that difficult to manage you would use physical management in one place. You wouldn't move them because that has more risk of harm.

Using more staff is safer on both the staff and the student, there is less risk of injury to anyone. The OP said that he had been on a roof throwing things off, so presumably he had to be removed from the space because he was causing damage to property and potential damage to himself and others. The other students would have had to be kept inside whilst he was outside, again for their own safety.
By bringing him inside they would most likely be taking him to a safer space where he could be supported to de escalate.

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2023 07:58

Punxsutawney · 08/04/2023 06:47

You need an emergency review of his EHCP.

In order for him to get a place in a special school his behaviours must have been at the extreme end of challenging in his mainstream school.
Not true. My Ds attends a specialist SEMH placement and he's never once displayed any extreme or challenging behaviours, either there or at his previous mainstream schools.

He doesn’t yet have an EHCP, only a draft one. The point is, he was moved to a special school BEFORE he got a draft EHCP. This in of itself is a clear indication that his behaviour was extremely challenging.

Seashor · 08/04/2023 08:00

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Veryverycalmnow · 08/04/2023 08:04

But why hadn't they told OP about the other incidents? Why wait until it got that bad?
4 hours outdoors on his own in December? I'd be upset by this.
A child that doesn't normally show signs of violent behaviour being carried by 6 members of staff? I'd be upset too OP.
It must be really difficult to have been through this and to now be homeschooling him. I really feel for you and your son.

electriclight · 08/04/2023 08:16

If true, you are in denial.

The mainstream school recommended a PRU and you got a place at a special school without an EHCP - this suggests that your child's behaviour is extremely challenging despite you saying that he had never been violent, sworn or damaged anything. For what reason then were they recommending a PRU?

The special school wouldn't tell you about every incident of challenging behaviour as a mainstream school would. They have a much higher tolerance and are very good at dealing with it. However, you imply that all of this came out of the blue as a big surprise - despite the fact they had already told you that it wasn't working and they wanted a move. Why did you think that was being suggested?

It sounds as if your ds has very complex needs. He needs help and support or his future looks bleak. No I don't think that the school are lying. At worst, they began logging everything to build a case. A PRU seems to be the best place for your son and they can be transformative.

TommytheSquirrell · 08/04/2023 08:20

From the first incident you should have had meetings put in place and support for both your child and staff to deal with the behaviour before escalating to the point it got too.

I would actually ask for more details/inquiry into what happened and why it escalated so far without you being informed until he was being restrained as he was.

I do think there is some failing on the schools part here. Some schools do have CCTV so you may be able to watch what happened in some of the incidents.

ScentOfAMemory · 08/04/2023 08:21

In the four months since all this happened, how have you communicated with the authorities?

You saw, with your own eyes, the aftermath of an incident. The staff didn't suddenly decide to restrain and carry your child out to you in that way.

It is perhaps slightly odd that you'd not been told that his behavioural issues were clearly escalating in a way which could be dangerous to himself, other students, and members of staff.

It's also odd, though not unthinkable, that a school recommends a PRU for a child with SEN if the main reason that mainstream school isn't working out is because of problems related to the SEN rather than behaviour (almost always ime connected to violence towards others and to themselves and general inappropriate attitude towards the school context) I'm on the safeguarding team at school and so am involved regularly with meetings about behaviour/students with additional needs. PRU (which takes some getting into) would be a last resort if keeping the child in the school was thought to be detrimental to student/student community/staff.

Also very confused as to why another poster is saying he doesn't have an ECHP. @Soontobe60 are you the OP?

What also leaps out is the fact that his behaviour towards other students has been seen as "inappropriate" due to his "maturity" at having been in a mainstream school. To the point the HT informed the OP she was effectively setting the wheels in motion to have him removed. That very much needed clarification. Exactly what kind of behaviour are we talking about?

NewLifter · 08/04/2023 08:24

Have you asked your 15 year old son what went on? Presumably he can communicate if he went to mainstream school for most of his life.

Punxsutawney · 08/04/2023 08:27

Where in the OP does it say he doesn't have an EHCP?

It's very unusual to be offered a place in a specialist school without one.

Rosula · 08/04/2023 08:34

Minimalme · 08/04/2023 04:14

It sounds as though a PRU would have been a good choice though?

Special schools have the most vulnerable children and they have to be protected from children who display physical and disruptive behaviour.

I'm sorry, sounds like a difficult situation.

OP's son would only have been placed in a special school under an EHC Plan, and it would have to have been a school delivering all the specialist provision that he needed. It's unlikely that a PRU could do that.

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