To think school lied to demonise my son?

[AnyoneandEveryone]

DS (15) attended a special school for 3 months last year. He had been in mainstream school before then. He has ASD and learning difficulties so had issues with following instructions and inappropriate behaviour which led to bullying. School did not care and were actively trying to get me to put him in a PRU.

Special school had a mix of abilities with DS being on the higher side.

The head seemed to take a dislike to him quite soon afterwards as she felt he was a bad influence on the other DC as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings. She had told me she was going to tell the local authority he needed a change of placement. Nothing was reported in terms of disruptive behaviour.

Last December I was called to collect him in the early afternoon. I asked why and was told that he’d been outside and was refusing to come in.

I arrived to witness 6 staff members (2 on each leg, one on each arm) carrying him facedown towards me across the playground! I was told he’d needed restraint as he’d been violent to a staff member.

I was in shock as he’d never been violent before or needed any kind of restraint. Just seeing him being carried like that absolutely horrified me. Can’t get that image out of my head sometimes.

I asked for a full written report of what led up to this and obviously said he wouldn’t be returning.

The report listed a weeks worth of incidences leading up to the day he was restrained (on a Friday). It detailed DS smashing up classrooms, threatening staff with a metal pole, swearing at staff, destroying other DCs work, running round the school and outside and trying to climb the school fence, threatening to throw a computer, writing on walls and loads of other stuff.

I had not been informed of any of this until they called me on the Friday and I would expect to be called to immediately collect him if my DS was threatening staff with a metal pole (very serious IMO) and would expect to be informed of any damage he’d done! Not a word was said about any of this until I read the report.

At his mainstream secondary, he’d never so much as sworn at staff or damaged anything.

It transpired that one the Friday, he’d gone out to the rear playground as he was anxious and had refused to come inside when told so was locked outside for 4 hours (this is their timeline) as staff felt he looked agitated. He had also climbed up onto the roof of an outbuilding, kicking off the roofing and been hitting a tree with a big stick. The ‘violence’ was him pushing past a staff member when he was let back in (he said he was very cold) and hitting her shoulder with his.

Why they didn’t call me when he looked ‘agitated’ and refused to come in I don’t understand. Why leave him outside for 4 hours in December?

AIBU to think this was very odd and school said this to get rid of him?

He is having to be homeschooled now so I can’t work as can’t find another school for him.

Maybe related to the "inappropriate behaviour" reported at the previous school.

Other dc as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings.

What does this actually mean? Is he showing/telling other children about porn? What has your other children shown him? Have you asked any of your children?

I think it’s very iffy that your son was alleged to have been destructive and aggressive all week long in the days leading up to his last day there and not one person let you know, including when he damaged property or lashed out at others.

My son goes to a special school, his 2nd one since he was little, and it is standard for staff to let parents/carers know if there’s been any aggression, low mood, injuries, bad behaviour etc on the day it happens. I would be very concerned if I only found out my son had behaved that way/accused of behaving that way, days after it happened. To me, that’s a red flag.

I can completely understand your distress at seeing your child being restrained the way he was, whether it was necessary or not. No one wants to see someone they love, especially their child, like that. I hope you find another setting for him that’s appropriate for his needs as he deserves and is entitled to an education.

So have you requested an early review of the EHCP? Have you informed the LA you are not EHE and they need to make arrangements for a suitable, full time education and anything specified and quantified in F?

This post reminds me of a very similar one I read a few months ago - I even checked the date of posting as it seemed like it could be the same one.

However, assuming it's valid, I think there are two possible issues.

One is that parents tend to minimise problem behaviours - I've done it myself. One of my DC had some behaviour issues (and a diagnosis of ADHD). They got excluded more than once for threatening behaviour - once for using a crutch (had hurt ankle) as a threat - no one was hurt, but clearly they could have been, though my child denied that at the time.

The second is that staff, even in special schools, are not always properly trained, or trained at all, in de- escalation techniques, so once the child is hyped up, their actions / demands/ attention only serve to rile the child further. Which is what it sounds like happened here.

Though I find it difficult to believe he was locked out of the building for 4 hours - sessions don't even last that long without a lunch break etc. Plus someone should have been available for him who could talk to him 0nce he calmed down

Is such restraint allowed in a special school. I wouldn't have thought so. But obviously the school is unable to cope with his behaviour so isn't the right school for him. Wielding sticks ninja style is agressive behaviour whether or not any hitting actually takes place.

@Soontobe60

Can you come and clarify your involvement here? Your post about an EHCP is strange.

It’s obvious that many of you here have absolutely no idea what’s going on between schools / pupils with special needs and the type of school mentioned by the OP.
If you have one near you, go and stand outside at break times and witness what calibre of teacher they employ.
These schools are a national disgrace.
I speak from personal experience with these situations.

"The special school wouldn't tell you about every incident of challenging behaviour as a mainstream school would."

The sort of behaviour that has been described they should be telling parents about. At my son's school parents would be told the same day. Accurate information is vital because behaviour issues during the day in school can carry on into the evening at home.
Parents would only not be told if telling the parents creates more problems for the child.

I think there's a mix here between what you've been told and what you accept as truth. I highly doubt the school would lie, he sounds like he could easily have done everything they said.

I am unable to comment on every school, because I have no experience of every school, so I take exception to your comments that all of them are a "national disgrace" or that the tecahers in them are substandard. It is your comment that is disgraceful. I am sorry if you have had a poor experience of one, but that is no excuse for tarring them all with the same brush; and at the same time, your opinion is one side of a story that we have utterly no knowledge about.

OP, I am sorry but you are minimising your son's behaviour, and if this is what you know about, I do wonder what you don't know about. You said that he was a vicitim of bullying, but your own version of events says that the bully here is your son. He is racist and homophobic (and I wonder what else?) and thinks aggressively wielding sticks and pipes is appropriate behaviour (not it isn't, it is deliberately intimidating behaviour). He may have some learning difficulties, but if he has successfully navigated mainstream eduction up to the age of 15, they cannot be so severe that he is unaware that none of these behaviours are acceptable. If he has managed this only because his behaviours are severely deteriorating more recently, then I would be questioning why that deterioration has occurred, not questioining those who have tried to manage those behaviours without success.

I am also going to call bullshit on your excusing his racist and homophobic behaviour because he has learned more "mature" behaviours from his siblings. Such behaviours are in no manner mature, and if this is what he is learning from other members of the family, then perhaps you need to reconsider your standards about normal or acceptable behaviour.

I work as part of a 2:1 to support a child with ASD within a mainstream school while waiting for an EHCP. Restraint practices are very specific and they WOULD leave him outside by himself if there was no risk of escape or harm to calm him down and protect others. I have done this for short periods to keep myself safe. If restraining a large child or teen, I am not suprised 6 adults were involved, as we have sometimes needed 4 to restrain a violent primary age child. His parents say they have NEVER seen any of this behaviour at home. But they have quit their jobs, never go out, and I believe they refuse to see the forest for the trees.

That said, I think you should have been told each time and allowed to view the paperwork related to the use of restraints/violent incidents.

Oh dear.

I'm going to say I agree with @Quveas having read the update.

OP, you need to accept what people are telling you about your son's behaviour. The violence (and threats of violence) are bad enough. The racism and homophobia hasn't been "picked up" from more mature people. It's been picked up from homophobes and racists and your son shares their views.

Work with the authorities. A PRU may be the answer. Though one of the two students we've referred to one was permanently excluded from that as well. They don't, and can't, transform disturbed young people into not disturbed young people at the drop of the hat. Though having parents on board helps. Your son is 15. You still have time. Just.

Though having parents on board helps. Your son is 15. You still have time. Just.

This is the most important thing. This won't get better on its own.

It’s obvious that many of you here have absolutely no idea what’s going on between schools / pupils with special needs and the type of school mentioned by the OP.
If you have one near you, go and stand outside at break times and witness what calibre ofteacherthey employ.
Theseschoolsare a national disgrace.
I speak from personal experience with these situations.

My house is literally next door to a school for pupils with very poor social skills, adhd autism and various other challenging behaviour and the abuse the staff have to put up with is quite often horrendous.

In order for him to get a place in a special school his behaviours must have been at the extreme end of challenging in his mainstream school.

My goodness. This is a pretty extreme misunderstanding of the role of special schools and the criteria by which children are allocated places.

Posting from the position of someone who works in a special school, if genuine your post causes me significant safeguarding concerns. Despite there being children where I work who are a high risk to themselves or others I have NEVER seen a child restrained like that. Those who do restrain are taught to do it correctly and as per the poster from Scotland I have only ever seen 2 at a time to take a child to a safe place. If possible others would be moved from the vicinity to avoid touching the pupil but not always possible. Emphasis is always on deescalation. Nor could a pupil be locked out for 4 hours. They may refuse to come in but another member of staff would be present waiting for them to be willing to come in and they would discuss the situation with the behaviour specialist after to support the pupil with triggers and ways to manage it. It works as the children feel secure and some over time are able to explore their behaviour (some not all as somedo not have the language or capacity) and behaviour improves.

I would strongly advise you contact the LADO to get their take on this as if there has been inappropriate restraint the can investigate it.

Also just ignore those judging who haven't been in the position you are, but do also acknowledge openly where your son is doing things as it makes for an easier working relationship as i have found that helps me when working with my kids schools rater than leading to everybody incl me and professionals becoming defensive rwther than supporting each other (and that does not mean what was done is ok) x

Your son is 15. You still have time. Just

He has an EHCP, he can receive support, education and therapies until he is 25, if he needs it.

This.
What would the school have to gain by using 6 members of staff to restrain your son for no reason? There are other children to attend to. There are better things to do. At 15 especially, there's a risk he could really hurt staff. They just wouldn't do that for the sake of demonising him.
They might not like the 'mature' ideas he is spreading, and if it is the sort of thing I'm imagining... It would be horrible especially for the girls and women at the school. Can't blame them. If your DC is on the higher ability side and got that far in state school, I'm fairly certain he has the cognitive ability to understand that isn't appropriate, you can't say those things at this school. If you do, there will be consequences.
Separate issue entirely.

If this happened, it is totally unacceptable.

There is no need for a person to be moved by being carried face down by 6 people.

I worked in a special college for young adults, and we used NAPPI (non-abusive psychological and physical interventions) techniques, which work by recognising the lead up to problematic behaviours and intervening early to prevent this happening - and then using appropriate minimal physical restraint techniques.

These work, and I have walked an extremely unco-operative person (attempting violence) back to safety with one other person.

You should also have been informed of every incident - especially as my experience of special schools and colleges are that they send a brief summary report home each evening at the very least.

Perhaps OFSTED and CQC need to be informed?

Your addition did make me did flag another thought for me... I totally agree that there is just about enough time to address and turn around these behaviours before they become ingrained. But I am also wondering whether the first school, in particular, was falgging a PRU as a possible PREVENT strand - probably not solely on that basis, but possibly as one strand of a more complex situation. Because children of that age are ripe for grooming and exploitation by extremists, and the people who do this have no qualms about who they groom or how they do it. I know our PREVENT teams work closoely with PRU's where appropriate, not only because such behaviours are unacceptable (and potentially dangerous) but also because this is a safeguarding issue.

YABU to assume they lied, or that they’d want or need to demonise your child.
YWNBU to think they’d massively mismanaged things, that their communication was lacking and that it wasn’t the right setting for your DS.

It sounds like you are possibly in very deep denial over these behaviours which do sound violent and deeply concerning.

When you say he’s had exposure to more “ Mature “ stuff, this is also concerning, as it sounds like porn or similar.

Your son sounds like he needs urgent help-
and that you are possibly so inured by his behaviour that you don’t “See” it for the worrying behaviour it is ( Violent, destroying things&c)

I work in a mainstream secondary school and it is SO difficult to get a child into special school. The behaviour has to be very extreme, so it's not a case of mainstream getting rid just like that!

Why would a school lie to get a well behaved pupil removed? It makes no sense. Your child clearly has needs over and above what the school can help with. Start listening to school and what they have to say. They will have his best interests at heart.