To think school lied to demonise my son?

[AnyoneandEveryone]

DS (15) attended a special school for 3 months last year. He had been in mainstream school before then. He has ASD and learning difficulties so had issues with following instructions and inappropriate behaviour which led to bullying. School did not care and were actively trying to get me to put him in a PRU.

Special school had a mix of abilities with DS being on the higher side.

The head seemed to take a dislike to him quite soon afterwards as she felt he was a bad influence on the other DC as he has been exposed to more mature stuff what with being in mainstream school and having older siblings. She had told me she was going to tell the local authority he needed a change of placement. Nothing was reported in terms of disruptive behaviour.

Last December I was called to collect him in the early afternoon. I asked why and was told that he’d been outside and was refusing to come in.

I arrived to witness 6 staff members (2 on each leg, one on each arm) carrying him facedown towards me across the playground! I was told he’d needed restraint as he’d been violent to a staff member.

I was in shock as he’d never been violent before or needed any kind of restraint. Just seeing him being carried like that absolutely horrified me. Can’t get that image out of my head sometimes.

I asked for a full written report of what led up to this and obviously said he wouldn’t be returning.

The report listed a weeks worth of incidences leading up to the day he was restrained (on a Friday). It detailed DS smashing up classrooms, threatening staff with a metal pole, swearing at staff, destroying other DCs work, running round the school and outside and trying to climb the school fence, threatening to throw a computer, writing on walls and loads of other stuff.

I had not been informed of any of this until they called me on the Friday and I would expect to be called to immediately collect him if my DS was threatening staff with a metal pole (very serious IMO) and would expect to be informed of any damage he’d done! Not a word was said about any of this until I read the report.

At his mainstream secondary, he’d never so much as sworn at staff or damaged anything.

It transpired that one the Friday, he’d gone out to the rear playground as he was anxious and had refused to come inside when told so was locked outside for 4 hours (this is their timeline) as staff felt he looked agitated. He had also climbed up onto the roof of an outbuilding, kicking off the roofing and been hitting a tree with a big stick. The ‘violence’ was him pushing past a staff member when he was let back in (he said he was very cold) and hitting her shoulder with his.

Why they didn’t call me when he looked ‘agitated’ and refused to come in I don’t understand. Why leave him outside for 4 hours in December?

AIBU to think this was very odd and school said this to get rid of him?

He is having to be homeschooled now so I can’t work as can’t find another school for him.

All sounds very odd OP. Do you believe he did that stuff? It's hard to imagine a child whose never done it before suddenly doing it. And like you say, why did they not inform you of the earlier incidences? But then I wouldn't put it past some schools to deliberately wind up and dysregulate a child to get rid and it's the specialist ones who are the worst!

I'm glad you've removed him. Children who are having their needs met don't need restraining,

Not to say all specialist schools are like that as some are amazing but the horror stories I hear about some specialist schools as a send parent myself are horrific.

Depends on what the "needs" are? He didn't "need" to climb on the roof, threaten staff with a metal pole, etc.

Absolutely this

At his mainstream secondary, he’d never so much as sworn at staff or damaged anything.

I don't believe this for one second. Especially having read your second post.

I'm glad you've removed him. Children who are having their needs met don't need restraining,

Children who have special needs and/or behavioural difficulties may well need restraining, especially if they are a 15 year old boy, no matter how well their needs are being met.

The way he was restrained, and being locked out of the school for 4 hours in December both sound like safeguarding issues, and I'd want those investigating by the Govenors and/or the police. The rest of it I think you have to stop being in denial that your son has exhibited some extremely challenging behaviours and that it is now pretty much all on you to turn him into a well mannered member of society.

At his mainstream secondary, he’d never so much as sworn at staff or damaged anything
But he'd displayed concerning inappropriate behaviour? And continued to do so at the new school.

I don't think you will get the answer you need on AIBU threads. You need to get this moved somewhere else where people are in the same position as you can give advice. Posters will only come here to tell you the obvious with our any knowledge of what you are going through.

I hope your son gets the support he needs. If this is his behaviour now when he is an adult the law will not tolerate him. If he is on medication talk to his doctor about changing it.

"I'm glad you've removed him. Children who are having their needs met don't need restraining,"

It is sometimes needed for their own and others safety. What is questionable is moving a young person who is so 'worked up' they apparently require 6 people to move them. It is asking for injuries.

Given how hard it is to be even considered for a PRU, I am going to stick my neck out here and say you are in denial about how bad things are.

Behaviours were not doing homework, making inappropriate comments which were construed as racist/homophonic, spending a lot of time hiding in the loos when should have been in lessons, wielding sticks although he never hit anyone with them - pretended to do ninja stuff with them which was obviously inappropriate and constantly reported.

SS issues were talking and drawing horror film scenes and googling them on school PC.

Wielding sticks is deliberate intimidation, in line with this paragraph in the OP
It detailed DS smashing up classrooms, threatening staff with a metal pole, swearing at staff, destroying other DCs work, running round the school and outside and trying to climb the school fence, threatening to throw a computer, writing on walls and loads of other stuff.

I firmly do not believe the school are lying about his behaviour. The two schools have said stuff which forms a consistent pattern which is potentially escalating.

I think the question is open about whether they have behaved appropriately to this latest episode in restraining him, but he clearly is posing a risk to himself and others and you need to start taking that seriously.

He shouldn't be in mainstream and it seems likely that his behaviour is extreme enough that a special school, probably isn't appriopriate either.

Start being honest with yourself about it, because its the only way he WILL get the support he needs.

Locking a child out for a few hours might be acceptable under certain circumstances eg let's say she's out at lunchtime and refuses to come in...oh and he's weilding a big stick! Then leave him there. The doors were probably locked to safeguard the other children.
I'm unsure when it would be acceptable to 'carry' a person face down by there arms and legs (pretty sure this isn't an approved technique ) but it's probable staff felt as soon as they released him he would lash out at them. They wanted him off the premises so that they could let go and retreat to safety....and to teaching their pupils (that's 4 staff out of class).
I do understand this must have been very distressing and it does sound like this school isn't meeting his needs.
It is entirely possible for someone with ASD to have behavioural problems. His ASD might make his emotions harder to manage but I'm sure he knows right from wrong. He's 15 so presumably not a little child. The PRU might be the best setting for him unless you are in a position to home school. What you mustn't do is keep him off school. It's presumably holidays now so (book some leave if necessary) after the hols, take him to school everyday and when he kicks off at the gate/car etc get evidence (video?) so that you can demonstrate you've done everything reasonably possible.
Is there any trusted adult who would be prepared to have a chat with him, so an informal 'mentor'? I worked in a secondary school and there was a retired man who volunteered and did a bit of gardening with the pupils. He was affectionately known as Gramps. This semi illiterate non PC, untrained man had no clinical understanding of autism, ADHD, trauma, self harm....but he knew kids and they respected him. He was 'ordinary' and he was 'outside' of the formal staff. For many he was the only positive male they had in their lives. I'd have employed Bill to run the school if I could! Is there anyone you know like that? Gardening and animal care has been shown to really turn some anti social behaviour around. Could you look into that too.

It might be difficult to see this but in general people working in education and special needs genuinely have the interests of their kids at heart. Try to believe that you're both on the same side.

Using more staff is safer on both the staff and the student, there is less risk of injury to anyone.

Restraint can and has led to death of the child/person being restrained.

If a 15 year old is coming at you with a metal pole, what other options are there?

Why do you think they have lied ?
Do you think your son is y capable of any of that or is he saying it didn't happen ?

I come at this with a dc in a maintream with full time adult assistant. He does use racists and homophonic language. He can be incredibly intimidating even though he is only 12 amd small for his age. The vitriol can be horrific.

I love him dearly and he does have asd but he also has to learn you cannot go through life threatening people and using inappropriate language when your asd pushed you into fight it flight mode. Both myself and school are working hard in getting him to learn his triggers and using the tool the school give him to deal with these triggers

Our restraint training (mainstream but with several students who can be violent) is to adhere to the fundamental rule:

Is the child in danger of hurting themselves or others? If the answer is yes, remove them from that context.

Our 3 male PE teachers (one of whom is my safeguarding lead) are "on call" if certain situations arise, and along with other trained members of staff, remove the child in question. There are usually 4 of them. One person at each corner helps lessen the risk of a violent student causing harm to themselves or others. I've seen one of our students wreck a corridor and it certainly took more than one or two members of staff to get him away from the situation.

@RedToothBrush and others are also correct- it is very hard for a school to insist that a student be moved, either to a specialist school or, even harder to a PRU.

I think its reasonable for you to expect to have been informed earlier about the other incidents. However, I honestly think you have more important battles on your hands than complaining about the school. Your son is exhibiting deeply concerning behaviour, which appears to include racism, homophobia, violence and preoccupation with horror films. He is getting to an age when he could be a serious danger to himself and others. In your shoes all my energies would be going into fighting for the urgent help he clearly needs, rather than creating a straw man enemy out of the school and diverting your capacity to fighting that.

This.

In a nutshell.

About 25% of the prison population are thought to have ADHD. That's ten times the general population. The estimate for ASD is between 16 - 19%.

These are frightening figures if you have a kid with either, especially if they are a boy.

BUT it also needs to be stressed that plenty of kids who have ADHD or ASD don't go to prison or have unmanaged behavioural issues that put others at risk. You can't hide behind it as an excuse as it will only persist as a problem further down the line.

This is why parents should take it seriously and actually listen as early as possible to stop the escalation as once they are out of education, the problems are only going to get worse if the anti-social behaviour isn't tackled.

I am willing to bet this kid spends a huge amount of time online now, as they are home schooled with OP being completely unaware of the level of adult content they are looking up. The OPs son is clearly in need of supervision more appropriate for a younger child due to their sen needs but instead is being exposed to age inappropriate adult content for a 15 year old, never mind a 15 year old with special needs. The OP minimising this as down to them having older siblings highlights the abdication of responsibility going on from parents tbh.

What do you mean he made comments that could be construed as racist/homophobic? Could they be construed in any other way? As for using sticks to do ‘pretend ninja moves’ and so on… it sounds like he does have very extreme and challenging behaviours. It doesn’t seem like the school would lie to demonise your child - how would they benefit from doing so?

I agree with this really. I think it is imperative to stop making excuses such as ‘construed as’ and ‘pretend ninja’ and admit that your son has some behaviours that are if we’re honest really worrying. If you accept that then you might be able to access the correct help for him.

I will say as well that I think the use of son/child may have confused some people. My son is younger than that and he is taller than I am. A 15 year old is not a little kid, he’s likely to be quite large. And a young man of that size/strength attacking people and spewing hateful language/being preoccupied with frightening violent images is quite intimidating.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, OP.

From the outside, it seems like even though it's likely your son was indeed behaving as they said, the school still made mistakes and handled it badly.

I don't know why they didn't contact you when your son was starting to act out and give you a chance to come up with a plan for how to handle it so things didn't escalate. It also sounds like your son has more profound behavioural and social issues than his previous school told you.

It seems like the school didn't have the resources to meet your son's educational and behavioural needs.

To be blunt IF (big IF) teachers in this type of school are low calibre, thenj it is hardly a surprise.Who on earth would want to work in a place with the fear of being injured by the children ever present?
OP, you are looking to pick tiny holes in the school's actions, and ignoring the yawning chasms in your own parenting which have produced such a 15 year old. You do not sound to have one bit of empathy for the poor staff and students he has terrorised and hurt