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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was this doctor a bit rude to DH?

120 replies

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 15:51

Hi all,

When I was pregnant with DC2. My husband and I had a discussion and agreed that we would both get sterilised due to only wanting two children, finances, mental health etc we agreed it would be the best thing for our family. At first husband said he'd get the snip but I said I'd like to be sterilised as I wanted to take responsibility for my own reproductive health and knew I didn't want anymore kids but it would be great him getting the snip too because then we're double protected and it reduces the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

So basically I got my tubes tied after my second baby during my c section - all good and husband said he'll book in for the snip. I completely forgot by that point but was like yeah okay.

He went to the doctors today and said it was more like an interrogation and the doctor were questioning him asking if I tricked him into it or was forcing him into it and if he knew he was essentially giving up his manhood?

I appreciate doctors need to make sure the patient is making the decision themselves etc but when I said I'd like to be sterilised there was no questioning like this and no one suggested I'd be giving up my womanhood.

It just seemed a bit odd and kinda rude to essentially blame me for it and say he was giving up his manhood.

Idk is this normal when a man asks for the snip?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 06/04/2023 15:54

It should be normal for a doctor to check that someone is asking for a procedure off their own bat and hasn’t been coerced into it.

But the phrasing you’re using sounds mysoginistic and like the doctor has his own agenda.

NumberTheory · 06/04/2023 15:55

*misogynistic

fishingfor · 06/04/2023 15:55

Maybe he/she was just questioning the need for unnecessary surgery?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 06/04/2023 15:57

My dh was asked why when he asked and was told that i could get sterilised instead. It seems to be standard.

FionnulaTheCooler · 06/04/2023 15:59

fishingfor · 06/04/2023 15:55

Maybe he/she was just questioning the need for unnecessary surgery?

That's what my thoughts were too, seems like a bit of a waste of NHS resources for both of you to get sterilisation surgery.

dietcokelime · 06/04/2023 15:59

Maybe he was wondering why he was getting the snip (on the NHS) when you've already been sterilised?

It's perhaps flagged as suspicious!

ilovesooty · 06/04/2023 16:01

FionnulaTheCooler · 06/04/2023 15:59

That's what my thoughts were too, seems like a bit of a waste of NHS resources for both of you to get sterilisation surgery.

Show quote history

That's what I thought.

Why on earth should the NHS fund it?

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:01

If that was the case then the doctor could have used better phrasing than "is your wife tricking you?" And "you're essentially giving up tor manhood"

It's crazy to me people are thinking it's unnecessary just because I'm sterilised. Whilst we're together it reduces the risk of an ectopic pregnancy and it's something DH wants to do, if we were to divorce or separate for any reason then he's sterilised as he doesn't want anymore children.

Everyone should be responsible for their own reproductive health.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 06/04/2023 16:02

It is normal for a Doctor to ask theses questions and if he is getting it done on the NHS it is quite valid to question the need considering you are already sterlised

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:02

"*Why should the NHS fund it?"
*
Because it's offered on the NHS? Why should they fund any sort of sterilisation?

OP posts:
Forgooodnesssakenow · 06/04/2023 16:02

FionnulaTheCooler · 06/04/2023 15:59

That's what my thoughts were too, seems like a bit of a waste of NHS resources for both of you to get sterilisation surgery.

Show quote history

Less of a waste of resources than the 1/100 ISH risk of a baby or ectopic pregnancy after just the woman being sterilised.

My consultant when pregnant with my second and discussing future fertility advised both wing sterilised to reduce risks as far as possible.e now I've a history of recurrent miscarriage and complex pregnancy but still, seemed reasonable.

ilovesooty · 06/04/2023 16:03

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:02

"*Why should the NHS fund it?"
*
Because it's offered on the NHS? Why should they fund any sort of sterilisation?

If you've been sterilised I see no reason whatever why the NHS should fund his vasectomy.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:04

@ilovesooty

What about the 1/100 risk of an ectopic pregnancy?

OP posts:
dietcokelime · 06/04/2023 16:05

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:04

@ilovesooty

What about the 1/100 risk of an ectopic pregnancy?

Condoms?

It's not appropriate language but unless you were there you can't know that's exactly what was said.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 16:06

I got pregnant after being sterilized.
I actually had a miscarriage, but I did conceive.

ilovesooty · 06/04/2023 16:07

If everyone insisted on both parties being sterilised on the NHS goodness knows how much money would be spent.

GoldDustt · 06/04/2023 16:07

Never known both partners to take such drastic measures, it's usually only 1. Maybe it raised a flag of some sort?

Sparklfairy · 06/04/2023 16:07

Forgooodnesssakenow · 06/04/2023 16:02

Less of a waste of resources than the 1/100 ISH risk of a baby or ectopic pregnancy after just the woman being sterilised.

My consultant when pregnant with my second and discussing future fertility advised both wing sterilised to reduce risks as far as possible.e now I've a history of recurrent miscarriage and complex pregnancy but still, seemed reasonable.

Show quote history

I was just about to say this but you beat me to it. An accidental pregnancy will cost the NHS more whether she ended up having the baby or not.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:09

@dietcokelime

I'm allergic to the latex in condoms hence the sterilisation to make extra sure.

Everyone should be responsible for their reproductive health and if DH wants the snip then he wants the snip. DH carries the gene that caused our son to be disabled, we found this out after having our second baby and he doesn't want to have another baby at all with anyone so he's taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

I'm not sure why that's so wrong?

OP posts:
Lardolader · 06/04/2023 16:10

Also 1/100 - so if you have sex 100 times, it's likely you will have an eptopic. That seems pretty high to me. Sensible to both get done.

WoodenFloorboards · 06/04/2023 16:11

Weird, and not usual I think.

Either something DH said randomly happened to give the wrong impression that something was off in your relationship, or the doctor has his own misogynist agenda.

dietcokelime · 06/04/2023 16:11

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:09

@dietcokelime

I'm allergic to the latex in condoms hence the sterilisation to make extra sure.

Everyone should be responsible for their reproductive health and if DH wants the snip then he wants the snip. DH carries the gene that caused our son to be disabled, we found this out after having our second baby and he doesn't want to have another baby at all with anyone so he's taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

I'm not sure why that's so wrong?

Nothing wrong with it - there's latex free condoms (I'm sure you know!) and private sterilisation available for him.

Lardolader · 06/04/2023 16:11

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:09

@dietcokelime

I'm allergic to the latex in condoms hence the sterilisation to make extra sure.

Everyone should be responsible for their reproductive health and if DH wants the snip then he wants the snip. DH carries the gene that caused our son to be disabled, we found this out after having our second baby and he doesn't want to have another baby at all with anyone so he's taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

I'm not sure why that's so wrong?

Especially reasonable then given that gene!!

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 16:11

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 16:09

@dietcokelime

I'm allergic to the latex in condoms hence the sterilisation to make extra sure.

Everyone should be responsible for their reproductive health and if DH wants the snip then he wants the snip. DH carries the gene that caused our son to be disabled, we found this out after having our second baby and he doesn't want to have another baby at all with anyone so he's taking steps to ensure that doesn't happen.

I'm not sure why that's so wrong?

It isn't wrong and I don't know why you're getting such a hard time on here

Timeforachangeisitnot · 06/04/2023 16:11

To those saying - perhaps it was because OP is already sterilised - I am not clear why the Dr discussing the vasectomy should know about or pass comment on OP’s sterilisation.

I get that the Dr needs to confirm that the patient is doing it voluntarily and has considered it carefully, but it should not be about OPs medical history which should never be discussed without her consent.

Poor language choice on the part of the Dr.