Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this doctor a bit rude to DH?

120 replies

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 15:51

Hi all,

When I was pregnant with DC2. My husband and I had a discussion and agreed that we would both get sterilised due to only wanting two children, finances, mental health etc we agreed it would be the best thing for our family. At first husband said he'd get the snip but I said I'd like to be sterilised as I wanted to take responsibility for my own reproductive health and knew I didn't want anymore kids but it would be great him getting the snip too because then we're double protected and it reduces the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

So basically I got my tubes tied after my second baby during my c section - all good and husband said he'll book in for the snip. I completely forgot by that point but was like yeah okay.

He went to the doctors today and said it was more like an interrogation and the doctor were questioning him asking if I tricked him into it or was forcing him into it and if he knew he was essentially giving up his manhood?

I appreciate doctors need to make sure the patient is making the decision themselves etc but when I said I'd like to be sterilised there was no questioning like this and no one suggested I'd be giving up my womanhood.

It just seemed a bit odd and kinda rude to essentially blame me for it and say he was giving up his manhood.

Idk is this normal when a man asks for the snip?

OP posts:
Qazwsxefv · 06/04/2023 18:14

@OfCourseImNameChanging

covered that a bit more in my second post

fully agree with you that the medical establishment does not take women’s pain seriously enough

that doesn’t change the fact that vasectomy isn’t really bringing any health benefits to the man but can have some health negatives.

Here the Op is already sterilised. The risk of unwanted fatherhood is small. Doing an operation on a healthy person (the man) to benefit the op by reducing her risk of ectopic pregnancy is always going to be more complex ethically than doing an operation on a person that will directly medically benefit them and so needs robust discussion.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:15

Wishimaywishimight · 06/04/2023 18:11

@ThTheJudgeandJury Perhaps the doctor spoke of possible side / after effects and, even if your DH really wants to have the procedure, it might have made him have some doubts?

He doesn't seem to have any doubts and is waiting for the referral.

Again, this is not my decision it is DHs decision so if he came to me and said I don't want the snip then fine, he knows I'm not overly bothered. I was a bit apprehensive about an ectopic pregnancy but I knew that was a possible side effect from my procedure.

I would never make someone do something they don't want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:17

Are people on this thread just missing or ignoring the fact DH has a gene that had a 50% chance of causing disabilities in the children he has?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:21

FlowersAndBonnets · 06/04/2023 18:13

It’s a totally unnecessary surgery. If you want it you should be paying for it yourselves.

Okay say we spilt up then and DH goes on to father more children who have the gene that causes disability - is that not going to cost the NHS more?

It's funded on the NHS, it's DHs body there's absolutely no reason he shouldn't have the procedure if that's what he wants.

It's his body and his choice.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 06/04/2023 18:22

Okay say we spilt up then and DH goes on to father more children who have the gene that causes disability - is that not going to cost the NHS more?

Him fathering any children regardless of disability is going to cost the NHS a hell of a lot more than the cost of a sterilisation.

As would the cost of any future terminations or lifelong contraception for a new partner.

Ignore the people giving you grief for this.

Theunamedcat · 06/04/2023 18:28

OfCourseImNameChanging · 06/04/2023 17:55

It must be so nice being a man and having the medical establishment care enough about your pain (or potential pain!) that they'll strongly counsel in this way. Women's pain, of course, doesn't matter at all.

Show quote history

Friend of mine has just had a complete hysterectomy discharged with no pain relief just take paracetamol it's not cutting it and of course Dr's are closed now until Tuesday glorious isn't it

Qazwsxefv · 06/04/2023 18:29

@TheJudgeandJury

This is why it is so complex and needs discussion. if you and DH split up (which hopefully never happens) and he starts a relationship with a new partner he may feel differently than he does now about having more children, the new partner may wish to use a coil, or he and his new partner may wish to explore pre implantation genetic diagnosis to ensure potential children are not affected. There are so many hypotheticals here.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:31

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 18:22

Okay say we spilt up then and DH goes on to father more children who have the gene that causes disability - is that not going to cost the NHS more?

Him fathering any children regardless of disability is going to cost the NHS a hell of a lot more than the cost of a sterilisation.

As would the cost of any future terminations or lifelong contraception for a new partner.

Ignore the people giving you grief for this.

You're right it's just annoying.

I see threads on here all the time usually when an op is pregnant and the man doesn't want anything to do with the baby they always say well if he didn't want a baby he shouldn't have had sex or taken responsibility and have a vasectomy.

My DH has made the decision to take his own reproductive health into his hands as he doesn't want to run the risk of passing the faulty gene onto anyone else (this is the main reason) and there's people saying he shouldn't be able to.

Should men not take responsibility for their sexual health? Is that what people are saying here? It's weird.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 06/04/2023 18:32

Did he really say "You're essentially giving up your manhood"? In those terms?

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:32

Qazwsxefv · 06/04/2023 18:29

@TheJudgeandJury

This is why it is so complex and needs discussion. if you and DH split up (which hopefully never happens) and he starts a relationship with a new partner he may feel differently than he does now about having more children, the new partner may wish to use a coil, or he and his new partner may wish to explore pre implantation genetic diagnosis to ensure potential children are not affected. There are so many hypotheticals here.

It's DHs choice like it was mine to get sterilised.

I like how my DH can go off and meet someone else to have a baby but not me Grin it's absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
OfCourseImNameChanging · 06/04/2023 18:40

Theunamedcat · 06/04/2023 18:28

Friend of mine has just had a complete hysterectomy discharged with no pain relief just take paracetamol it's not cutting it and of course Dr's are closed now until Tuesday glorious isn't it

Show quote history

This would never happen to a man after a vasectomy! I hope your friend can get some help.

Datafan55 · 06/04/2023 18:41

Agree the doctor sounded both rude and misogynistic. They were free to point you to private care if necessary, but i like your being careful attitude.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:41

@Qazwsxefv

I'm sorry that was a bit snippy what I mean is when I decided to get sterilised I was told the risks of it and thought about the future and decided to go ahead with it. Why's that different for DH?

My hypothetical future was just as important as his.

This is something he wants to do, no one is forcing him to like I said I was a bit worried about an ectopic pregnancy but with the non latex condoms and statistics explained I feel a better about it and I'm not too fussed on that front.

This is something DH wants to do. He feels it's a benefit to him. He doesn't have to worry about future disabled children apart from the one (possibly two, hopefully not) we have and it takes a weight off his mind and that's his choice.

OP posts:
mauvish · 06/04/2023 18:44

Were you in the consultation, OP? Did you hear the doctor use those very words? Or is this what your husband has reported?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/04/2023 18:44

I dont think they were rude.
Its their duty of care as much as it is a midwifes duty of care during your booking in appointment to educate you about domestic violence and what it might look like.

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:46

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/04/2023 18:44

I dont think they were rude.
Its their duty of care as much as it is a midwifes duty of care during your booking in appointment to educate you about domestic violence and what it might look like.

No one mentioned my husband when I asked about being sterilised.

At my booking appointment they just asked if I was being abused and I said no and that was the end of that.

Agree doctors have a duty of care but like said the wording felt odd but like said happy to be told I was unreasonable to think that.

OP posts:
ArmchairAnarchist2 · 06/04/2023 18:50

I carried and gave birth to our three DC so DH agreed to have a vasectomy. It never crossed my mind to get sterilised as well. I can understand why your DH wants it but seems like you needn't have bothered, unless you're planning on leaving him at some point.

Rosula · 06/04/2023 18:52

ilovesooty · 06/04/2023 16:07

If everyone insisted on both parties being sterilised on the NHS goodness knows how much money would be spent.

It's perfectly sensible. Suppose, God forbid, something happened to OP and her husband went into a relationship with someone else. Is he not allowed to take steps to ensure that that won't result in children?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 06/04/2023 18:53

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:46

No one mentioned my husband when I asked about being sterilised.

At my booking appointment they just asked if I was being abused and I said no and that was the end of that.

Agree doctors have a duty of care but like said the wording felt odd but like said happy to be told I was unreasonable to think that.

Show quote history

The midwife who did my booking appointment was very specific with me, and gave me lots of things to do on with a list of behaviours even though I assured her I was fine. She was very senior so I guess she had seen some shit.
In terms of discussing you- sorry I missed that bit, and I agree that's unreasonable

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 18:53

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 06/04/2023 18:50

I carried and gave birth to our three DC so DH agreed to have a vasectomy. It never crossed my mind to get sterilised as well. I can understand why your DH wants it but seems like you needn't have bothered, unless you're planning on leaving him at some point.

I just think everyone should be responsible for their reproductive health.

I'm allergic to condoms and have never found a contraceptive method agree with me and after hearing the horror stories about the coil I knew I didn't want anymore children so decided it was the best option for me.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 06/04/2023 20:14

If the doctor really did say that this man was "effectively giving up his manhood" by having a vasectomy then it needs to be taken further. It's a completely unacceptable thing to say.

whynotwhatknot · 06/04/2023 20:58

not the point but i thought nhs wasnt funding vasectomies anymore

kateluvscats · 06/04/2023 20:58

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 17:31

@kateluvscats because the sperm won't be able to fertilise the egg?

But hasn't the op been sterilised?

Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 21:05

@kateluvscats I have yes but it is still possible for the sperm to fertilise the egg in the unlikely version that they meet. My eggs are still released they just shouldn't meet in the tube but if they do then that'll lead to an ectopic pregnancy.

When DH gets a vasectomy they'll be no swimmers so they wouldn't meet.

Unless both sterilisations fail of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 21:06

whynotwhatknot · 06/04/2023 20:58

not the point but i thought nhs wasnt funding vasectomies anymore

They do in some parts of the uk but not in others for some reason.

OP posts: