Was this doctor a bit rude to DH?

[TheJudgeandJury]

Hi all,

When I was pregnant with DC2. My husband and I had a discussion and agreed that we would both get sterilised due to only wanting two children, finances, mental health etc we agreed it would be the best thing for our family. At first husband said he'd get the snip but I said I'd like to be sterilised as I wanted to take responsibility for my own reproductive health and knew I didn't want anymore kids but it would be great him getting the snip too because then we're double protected and it reduces the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

So basically I got my tubes tied after my second baby during my c section - all good and husband said he'll book in for the snip. I completely forgot by that point but was like yeah okay.

He went to the doctors today and said it was more like an interrogation and the doctor were questioning him asking if I tricked him into it or was forcing him into it and if he knew he was essentially giving up his manhood?

I appreciate doctors need to make sure the patient is making the decision themselves etc but when I said I'd like to be sterilised there was no questioning like this and no one suggested I'd be giving up my womanhood.

It just seemed a bit odd and kinda rude to essentially blame me for it and say he was giving up his manhood.

Idk is this normal when a man asks for the snip?

I don't know what the relevance of the morality of nhs funding for this treatment is - if the gp had said "I am afraid that considering that your dw has already been sterilised we are unable to provide this treatment via the nhs, if you wish to be referred privately I can do so" then of course that would be the debate here,.however the gp came our with tripe about the op tricking him out of his manhood, which is unsurprising considering it wasn't that long ago that a woman would not be able to access sterilisation without consent of her husband and today it is still very hard for women to access it under 30ish and often even having had dc - there are funny attitudes to women and their fertility in the medical world.

The doctor needs to establish that the procedure (and its risks) are understood, and that the patient is making a choice of their own free will. If anyone is coercing is going on its most likely to be from a partner or parent. The questioning not only seems reasonable but desirable. I'm surprised you weren't asked similar questions when you were sterilised.
Now how their bedside manner came across is a different matter and without hearing the conversation it would be impossible to say.
What does puzzle me is why you have both elected to get sterilised. Are either of you in other sexual relationships? I'm also curious if both ops are NHS funded. Local to me many men are being told they need to go private.

We're not in other sexual relationships no however we are both individuals and have the right to make our own choices.

DH wants to make sure he doesn't have any future children due to carrying a bad gene.

How else is he suppose to ensure he doesn't have anymore children? We may not be together for the rest of our lives and if he has a sexual relationship with another woman then they may be a contraceptive fail and then he has no choice whether he has another child or not. At least he's taking responsibility of his sexual health. It's baffling that people think that just because I'm sterilised DH shouldn't be.

Next he will be telling you the doctor refused to do it 🙄

Nope, it's funny how actual strangers think they know my DH more than I do

He's waiting for the referral and is making a complaint tomorrow as he wasn't happy about a few other comments.

This. It really winds me up that people seem happy for the NHS to pay and undertake thousands of abortions, but if somebody like the OP and her husband are trying to be responsible it should apparently not be funded by the NHS! I'm totally with you OP . I was in hospital once with a woman who had an ectopic pregnancy who had been sterilised and she was really poorly. The NHS also pays for people who get ill due to excessive drinking, eating and smoking so why should the OP's husband go private? Big fat NO!

I asked about being sterilised when with ex husband. My dr looked exh in the eye and said you’re up 🤣 apparently more risks are involved with women and that’s why they don’t like to do it.

I disagreed to him getting the snip- we were rocky and I’d put to him if he wanted other kids if we split. He didn’t go ahead and now he has additional children and I have one on the way.

Ignoring would be my bet.

oh interesting thanks

Sterilisation is a lot cheaper for the NHS than funding for a pregnancy and labour costs

@TheJudgeandJury im sorry that whoever consented you for your serialisation did a shit poor job of it.

They should have asked about your partner/husband - not to check if they were ok with it - but to check if you were being pressured and not just doing this because your other half was refusing to use condoms or worse forcing you to have sex you didn’t want and you saw a sterilisation as the only way to avoid future pregnancies - sadly this stuff does happen. Or maybe they did and were just a better communicator than your husbands GP as they did it in a more subtle way.

I may have read the three wrong by it appears that you were not aware of the option of latex free condoms? In that case then you were poorly consented. Had you known that you might have decided not to have a procedure that has risks when you could have used a condom. That would be much better grounds for a complaint than your husband being fully warned of the risks.

Women should also be counselled pre operation about the risks of them changing their minds (and about 4% of women in some studies do so it’s not that I’m sexist and not trusting women to know their own minds/bodies) and about the serious mental and physical health implications. Seems to me your were informed about some of the health implications but not all. I fully agree that women’s health is often very poorly performed in England. This doesn’t mean we should poorly perform mens health

Did he really say “giving up your manhood’. Seems strange a Dr would use that terminology.
Presuming your DH told the Dr you are sterilised so he thinks it’s a bit odd to double up.

Also on the ectopic pregnancy thing. Tubal ligation reduces the risk of ectopic pregnancy not increases it compared to the general risk for a sexually active women.

if you do get pregnant post sterilisation then the risk of an ectopic is greater than the general risk BUT as your much less likely to get pregnant the total risk is less.

(Statistics allow you to present facts as fiction)

@Qazwsxefv I appreciate where you're coming from.

I don't know why I didn't know about latex free condoms. I am educated I guess it just never crossed my mind to check and I've always managed on other forms of contraception however as mentioned previously they didn't always agree with me.

The consultation who agreed to my sterilisation didn't mention my husband. I have my own reasons for going ahead with the sterilisation and I know I won't change my mind, I appreciate some women do and I agree counselling should happen but I took responsibility for my reproductive health which I feel we all should do.

You're right women and men's health and decisions should be looked after by the healthcare professionals but there's a manner in which this should be done. The doctor was just rude, he was rude about other things as well.

My husband also spoke to the doctor about wanting an ADHD assessment as when researching possible future challenges for DS, he related to a lot of it. The doctor said that most men forget things and not to worry about it. My husband explained in more detail why he wants an assessment and felt the doctor was dismissive and didn't listen to him. He then went back to the vasectomy and my husband mentioned another reason was because he has a child with additional needs and doesn't want anymore or to risk it happening again to which the doctor said "boys just play differently to girls. There's probably nothing wrong with him. Boys just run around all the time and are into different things" so the doctor basically assumed DS has ADHD and said that when actually DS has a rare chromosome disorder- he can't even walk nevermind run around.

The doctor was just rude which was the point of this post.

No, that's not how it works. It's (on average)1 out of every 100 times you get pregnant(think of how many times people have sex and don't get pregnant) - and it could happen the first time, the 100th time, or even the 250th time - it's an average across all women who are getting pregnant.

You are drop feeding throwing in the comment about your dh gene.
But I don't think your Dr was rude at all.
He was ensuring your dh wasn't being bullied into it from a d.a. Pov.
Yabu.

I wasn't drip feeding. I didn't realise DH taking responsibility over his own reproductive health would need explaining.

He was rude. There is a manner in which you approach things whether your a medical professional or not and he made DH feel uncomfortable.

There is nothing about telling a man that a vasectomy is “essentially giving up his manhood” that is relevant to trying to ensure the DH wasn’t being bullied or coerced. It’s unprofessional, untrue and a pretty toxic view of masculinity.

Is your dh quite young? My healthcare trust isn't keep on sterilisation under 36/37