Was this doctor a bit rude to DH?

[TheJudgeandJury]

Hi all,

When I was pregnant with DC2. My husband and I had a discussion and agreed that we would both get sterilised due to only wanting two children, finances, mental health etc we agreed it would be the best thing for our family. At first husband said he'd get the snip but I said I'd like to be sterilised as I wanted to take responsibility for my own reproductive health and knew I didn't want anymore kids but it would be great him getting the snip too because then we're double protected and it reduces the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

So basically I got my tubes tied after my second baby during my c section - all good and husband said he'll book in for the snip. I completely forgot by that point but was like yeah okay.

He went to the doctors today and said it was more like an interrogation and the doctor were questioning him asking if I tricked him into it or was forcing him into it and if he knew he was essentially giving up his manhood?

I appreciate doctors need to make sure the patient is making the decision themselves etc but when I said I'd like to be sterilised there was no questioning like this and no one suggested I'd be giving up my womanhood.

It just seemed a bit odd and kinda rude to essentially blame me for it and say he was giving up his manhood.

Idk is this normal when a man asks for the snip?

Because the GP thinks that when your DH moves on to his next partner he might want more kids. No?

Very strange and inappropriate wording from the doctor. Surprised so many people think it's acceptable for a doctor to suggest a vasectomy would be giving up his manhood. I think I would want an explanation for this

Very strange wording if what you say is direct quotation and not just the way your DH interpreted it.

Clearly that's not what it means - otherwise female sterilisation would be banned. The risk is about 1 in one hundred over the whole period after sterilisation as far as I can see from a quick google.

Standard female sterilisation is pretty unlikely to fail, but if it does the risk of an ectopic pregnancy is high. It's not gold standard for effectiveness like vasectomy or Mirena, so if pregnancy would be an utter disaster then you should double up.

Exactly. Statistics need to be understood as on a population level and not individual.

Bizarre people think that only one of a couple should be eligible for sterilization on the NHS. How can anyone know whether a man is only having sex with his wife or partner?

This isn’t a correct interpretation of how risk of pregnancy is calculated.

According to the NHS website after female sterilisation around 1:200 women will become pregnant in their lifetime .

Of course it would be an unacceptable risk if it was 1:100 shags.

DH has made this choice not me so him moving onto another partner bares no weight on DHs decision.

Please read the thread - DH carries a gene that he has a 50% of passing on. He doesn't want to risk having anymore disabled children either with me or someone else hence why he has insisted himself on getting the snip.

Surely a pregnancy that would require an abortion either way or a disabled child would cost the NHS so much more than DH getting the snip for those who are really bothered about the cost to the NHS.

Also he's going to be a nurse so hopefully he repays his debt by working for the NHS in one way or another 

Like I said in the OP I understand doctors need to ensure their patients have made their own choice and are not being controlled or being forced to do something they don't want to do but it just seemed a bit odd the way he phrased it but if I'm being unreasonable then that's fair.

Your not being Unreasonable it's his body his choice

Also the Dr doesn't have access to your notes when he is discussing things with your husband so how would he know you have been sterilised?

I have no idea why you’re getting such a hard time. Who’s to say your relationship will last? No one knows the future so it’s prudent to take our own responsibility. (For the record I hope your relationship does last but I understand your thoughts entirely).
We had the opposite when hubby wanted the snip, he asked once and was told he had to go back and bring me and say it was ok!
The doctor was African so I have no idea if it was a culture thing on me having the final say but it was a bit strange having to say “it’s ok to give my husband a vasectomy”.

the doctor could have used better phrasing than "is your wife tricking you?" And "you're essentially giving up tor manhood"

Oh give over, I don’t believe for one second that a doctor used those words. Either your husband is paraphrasing & you’ve misunderstood or he’s changed his mind about getting a vasectomy & will use this as an excuse by saying he was denied one.

1. I don’t believe a medical professional would use those words
2. I don’t believe a medical professional would dismiss your husband carrying a gene that causes disability & instead think you must be tricking him or it doesn’t matter, because you know, manhood & all that.

OP, insist your husband puts in a complaint because if the doctor really did say that, then it’s outrageous but I think if you really force the issue, your husband will come clean about what’s actually going on.

I'm not sure why you're getting grief for what look like eminently sensible decisions.

Your status should have no factor in what your husband chooses to do about his fertility. It's his body and should be completely independently his choice - just as it should be for everyone.

He has very good reasons for his decision (although 'I don't want anymore children' should be enough) so he really shouldn't be getting aggravation.

I don't know why people are suggesting this is an outrageous thing for the NHS to fund. It's a minor operation that doesn't require an overnight stay, and could prevent 80 years of healthcare for unwanted offspring.

Were you there to hear the doctor's phrasing?

When my dh had his appointment the doctor kept pushing for him to have me come in for a coil instead, that it would be less painful for me and much more straight forward.. personally I found that outrageous, he went for an appointment to arrange an operation for himself, I wasn’t in the room and certainly hadn’t asked for intervention. He was also grilled about why I wouldn’t get a coil or get sterilised instead, I also found it fairly aggressive and strange, I think checking that the patient has the right facts and is doing in for the right reasons is one thing but this feels very much like an overstep.

@Oubliette86 I'll ask him what was said exactly. I know it was a older more traditional doctor.

He hasn't changed his mind because the doctor has referred him for the snip and said he should be getting the referral letter in the post.

It wouldn't matter to me if DH did change his mind as it's not my decision, I would be a bit apprehensive about an ectopic pregnancy but I knew the risks and the statistics being explained in this thread has made me feel a whole lot better.

I don't know if that was exactly what was said as I weren't there but I do remember asking for an STD test at 18 (because my bf was cheating on me) and the doctor said I shouldn't be sleeping with anyone unless I love them (that was over ten years ago though).

This is not the first anecdote like this I've heard. The implication seems to be that women want children, so no questions to you when you say you're done. But he might move onto someone else who wants them. Ridiculous assumptions all round .

The snip is cheaper than the whole maternity care of a possible unwanted child.

Me and ex both agreed to be done so neither of us brought half siblings into the mix. Your doctor definitely should be asking his reasons but the implication is that your husband/partner will probably leave and want more kids one day. Which isn't nice for you to hear!

Re: you update. How ridiculous!! When I was 18 and went for an STD test the Dr asked me in an accusatory and aggressive tone why I had slept with someone who wasn't British. Even at the time I was like wtf.

I had it the other way before I was sterilised- they said a few times it would make more sense for dh to have the snip as it was less invasive and more reliable. But he didn’t want to.

The "giving up the manhood" things is really odd. Those were the words used? If so I'd complain because it's not appropriate at all.

DH didn't have anything like that. I think they asked if I agreed to it and he said yes and a referral done. 1 minute consult.

Doctor sounds either old fashioned or a bit of a “lad” by discussing “Manhood” and toxic masculinity over personal health, safety of wife and potential future (unwanted) children. Bizarre. I’d find out what he said exactly and email the practice manager.

I really don’t see why he couldn’t have the procedure on the NHS, just because you have. There’s no guarantee that you’re both only going to sleep with each other forever anyway.

Yeah, my ex was talked out of it by his (male) GP.

Irritating

@randomuser2019

I don't know why I didn't know that, seems so obvious now.

I'll have a look as they can tide us over before the procedure as I'm not sure how long the wait is.