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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is carry on a pregnancy without support from the father selfish?

107 replies

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 09:56

Name changed for this. Apologies.

If a man is clear that he does not want to have a child, is it selfish for the woman to carry on with the pregnancy?

I know I haven’t provided many details but complete accident. Not a new relationship.

OP posts:
Soontobemumof2x · 06/04/2023 09:56

It’s your body, your choice. Do what makes you happy!

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/04/2023 10:05

Yes it’s selfish, but at the end of the day her body, her choice.

gg45 · 06/04/2023 10:11

You did have support from the father - he helped create the baby! So actually it is selfish of him to back out/not take responsibility.

That said I do recognise it is a v v difficult question with lots of layers- and I do think that if you decide not to go ahead with it as you fear you will not be able to provide the life you would hope for the child that too is a very selfless thing to do. But do I think it's "selfish" to continue- no I don't, esp not if you can provide for it.

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 10:12

No it isn't. It's selfish to have sex with a woman knowing that you'd expect her to have a termination if birth control fails. That's not a reasonable expectation and if you can't think you'd rise to the occasion you should abstain.

TheNoodlesIncident · 06/04/2023 10:14

I can only say that in this position, I absolutely would not continue with the pregnancy. Every child deserves to feel wanted and valued by BOTH parents, and you're not ever going to be able to fix that. So I wouldn't, as I don't think it's not fair on the child and not really on the other person, who's made it very clear he doesn't want to be a parent.

Obviously others will feel differently, but this is how I feel about it.

Viviennemary · 06/04/2023 10:17

Not really. But I dont think men should be guilt tripped into being involved if they aren't in a relationship with the woman. It works both ways.

Original poster
Namefonow · 06/04/2023 10:31

Thank you all. It’s good to see different sides. It’s not a new relationship. Our lives are very much together. But this happened 6 months too soon. I can see that too.

Already have kids. Also are Christians and that is colouring my view but I really want to see it for others prospective. I’m not narrow minded and want to do what is right.

OP posts:
PortmeirionTiles · 06/04/2023 10:34

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 10:31

Thank you all. It’s good to see different sides. It’s not a new relationship. Our lives are very much together. But this happened 6 months too soon. I can see that too.

Already have kids. Also are Christians and that is colouring my view but I really want to see it for others prospective. I’m not narrow minded and want to do what is right.

SIX MONTHS too soon? I don’t know the full story but if that’s what it comes down to, he needs to get his head out of his arse. Practically nothing goes to plan when it comes to having children. If he’s that much of a control freak he’s going to have a very unhappy life.

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 10:35

For me I wouldn’t have another child in that situation. It would negatively impact other children and bring a child into the world with an unengaged father. No thanks.

2022again · 06/04/2023 10:36

"6 months too soon" ...whats the context???...I'm pro-choice but absolutely would not abort because i'd conceived 6 months "too soon" in an established relationship where we had plans to try and conceive soon and I would be incredibly unhappy at any man wanting me to do so. Was this man actually truly on board with you trying for another child or was he hoping you'd change your mind?

Itsbytheby · 06/04/2023 10:37

If you want the bab keep it. If you don't, don't.

I couldn't/ wouldn't keep an unwanted baby for religious reasons. The church isn't going to help you.

drpet49 · 06/04/2023 10:39

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 10:35

For me I wouldn’t have another child in that situation. It would negatively impact other children and bring a child into the world with an unengaged father. No thanks.

Me too.

Cherrybl0ssm · 06/04/2023 10:43

If the man doesn’t want a child he should abstain from sex. The ultimate end of sex is procreation. Sex doesn’t always end in procreation but that it it’s end.
A man who has sex but doesn’t desire children is the selfish one as the child conceived is the innocent one. He is also putting to woman in an extremely vulnerable situation - financially, emotionally.

Stomacharmeleon · 06/04/2023 10:58

Under the circumstances you have described I would NOT being having a termination.
'Six months too soon' listen to yourself.

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2023 11:03

It's happened 6 months too soon, then he is bu.
Being Christian is it because your not married to each other?

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 06/04/2023 11:03

Of course not !

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 06/04/2023 11:03

Depends, did you both use birth control?

I wouldn't continue in my own personal opinion however as it would have a negative impact on the children that are already there. However it's your body your choice, just if they've made it clear they don't want to be a father don't expect that to magically change once the baby is there.

WandaWonder · 06/04/2023 11:04

The child may be fine without a father, not something I would choose to do deliberately to a child though

MintJulia · 06/04/2023 11:20

Soontobemumof2x · 06/04/2023 09:56

It’s your body, your choice. Do what makes you happy!

This.

As for the child.....

I grew up in a traditional family, married parents, 'normal' home. Our DF made no secret of the fact he resented his daughters, regarded us as a pointless drain on his resources and was only interested in our brother. Our childhood was pretty miserable and under resourced as a result. We all left as soon as humanely possible.

I split from my ex when ds was two. Yet I have provided ds with a warm loving secure home, emotional support and affection, all the clothes and bikes and activities a little boy could want. He is a happy secure child, with a place at an independent school where he is doing well.

Most women are perfectly capable of raising a child without a man in tow, especially a resentful one.

If you put your mind to it, you'll be a fabulous mum.

funinthesun19 · 06/04/2023 11:29

Why would it make the woman selfish? The only selfish one here is the man! In some people’s eyes she’ll be selfish and irresponsible no matter what she does, whether she keeps the baby or has a termination. So fuck everyone else and what they think.

lunar1 · 06/04/2023 11:32

The only say the man gets is if he has sex or not, that's it. It's not selfish on the woman's part at all.

Inaea · 06/04/2023 11:37

No. It isn’t selfish.

The foetus exists and is now part of you. The question of whether or not to destroy it is up to you, but I would thought destroying it a more selfish act than not 🤷‍♀️

If the father is saying he won’t support it, THAT is selfish. If the father is saying “destroy this foetus but have another in 6 months is fine” that is mad.

My worry for you is that you are trying to talk yourself into a termination that, if religion is important to you, I think you’re going to be very haunted by. I’m not religious but I’m finding it very hard to live with having euthanised my elderly sick cat, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with having had an abortion.

MrsMischiefOnTour · 06/04/2023 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:43

Again, thank you.

I absolutely do not want to have a termination but carrying on with the pregnancy will the the end of the relationship. However, as heartbreaking as it is, that my be best.

I should add that I am 12 weeks so I’m properly pregnant.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 06/04/2023 11:43

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:43

Again, thank you.

I absolutely do not want to have a termination but carrying on with the pregnancy will the the end of the relationship. However, as heartbreaking as it is, that my be best.

I should add that I am 12 weeks so I’m properly pregnant.

What would be different in 6 months?