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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is carry on a pregnancy without support from the father selfish?

107 replies

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 09:56

Name changed for this. Apologies.

If a man is clear that he does not want to have a child, is it selfish for the woman to carry on with the pregnancy?

I know I haven’t provided many details but complete accident. Not a new relationship.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/04/2023 13:16

It seems to me that the relationship is over regardless. He'll leave if you keep the baby and you'll resent him if you have an abortion.

For what it's worth, I think he's being utterly unreasonable if his reasoning is "It's 6 months too soon"!!!

Hellno45 · 06/04/2023 13:21

It's the woman's body and the woman's choice.

A man who doesn't want a baby should wear a condom at a minimum and even that isn't fool proof. Abstinence is the only reliable

TessWinty · 06/04/2023 13:26

The child may be fine without a father, not something I would choose to do deliberately to a child though

The only person deliberately depriving the child of a father is the father himself.

OP you have said you don't want to have a termination. Please listen to yourself. It's your body and your decision. No-one else's.

Naunet · 06/04/2023 13:32

No, it’s selfish for a man to have unprotected sex so that his orgasm is better, and then expect the woman to get an abortion if she becomes pregnant. Abortion isn’t a male contraceptive.

Theunamedcat · 06/04/2023 13:36

If you have a termination when you don't want one you might be resentful further along either way this could kill the relationship

Octopusmittens · 06/04/2023 13:36

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/04/2023 10:05

Yes it’s selfish, but at the end of the day her body, her choice.

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, it’s her body, her choice, the man gets no say. If he’s so against having kids he can have a vasectomy.

Frozendaquiri · 06/04/2023 13:36

I can't believe people are saying it's selfish.

No OP, it absolutely is not selfish to grant life to another human being. It's SELFLESS if anything.

BigglyBee · 06/04/2023 13:38

The marriage thing is easily fixable- you can have a church wedding with just you, the priest/minister/vicar and 2 witnesses, at pretty short notice. Then a party later if you want to.

I couldn't marry a man who thought that pressuring me into an abortion would be better than a hurried wedding, though. He is a disgrace.

joelmillersbackpack · 06/04/2023 13:43

It’s not selfish. Look after a baby on your own for a year or two while a man carries on his life as normal and tell me who is selfish.

Eskarina1 · 06/04/2023 13:46

This isn't a situation where the concept "selfish " works. You should not have an abortion you do not want. You should not be expected to continue a pregnancy you do not want.

NameChangePoP · 06/04/2023 14:00

Another Christian here. I also would struggle having a termination - and I think you will too later down the line.
Your partner knows the risks when it comes to having sex and possible pregnancy, and he chose to sleep with you anyway. I would speak with your Pastor/Vicar/Priest and get some counselling through the church.

musicforthesoul · 06/04/2023 14:01

As a general rule yes I think its selfish to continue a pregnancy you know the father doesn't want, that doesn't mean it isn't the right decision though. Rarely black and white and the mother has to have final decision as she's the one who will have to live with it afterwards.

In your circumstances it seems stupid, just bring the wedding forward if it matters that much the child is born in wedlock? I wouldn't be terminating a pregnancy then planning to conceive again in less than a year, and I wouldn't be able to look at a partner the same way if they were insisting on that.

CurlewKate · 06/04/2023 14:02

Not selfish at all. Always the woman's choice. And he needs to contribute-financially, if in no other way. If he was adamant that he didn't want a baby, she should either not have had sex or had a vasectomy.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 14:05

Is one of you waiting for a divorce?
Is that why it's six months too soon?

Dilemma19 · 06/04/2023 14:06

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 10:12

No it isn't. It's selfish to have sex with a woman knowing that you'd expect her to have a termination if birth control fails. That's not a reasonable expectation and if you can't think you'd rise to the occasion you should abstain.

That won't matter to the child though would it? The child who has to grow up without a dad and all the issues around that. Easy enough to say your body, your choice but it's the child who bears the brunt of that choice.

JMSA · 06/04/2023 14:07

It depends. If he had made it clear that he didn't want children - and she sabotaged the contraception - then yes, that would be selfish!

Squamata · 06/04/2023 14:07

So it's about saving face because he doesn't want a baby to be born before you're married? Because he's happy to have sex before marriage but doesn't want other Christians to find out about it? That's the purest hypocrisy.

I'm pro choice but I think having an abortion shouldn't be undertaken lightly, if he would want a baby in six months but not the one that's already growing inside you - words fail me.

I think your relationship is over whatever you do, if you keep it he'll leave but if you have an abortion just so he can look like the squeaky-clean Christian on your wedding photos then you'll end up hating him and breaking up anyway.

Take the decision based on whether you want to be a single mother to this child as well as your other ones. Your partner is an absolute waste of space.

TheJudgeandJury · 06/04/2023 14:09

I don't think it's selfish but I wouldn't want a baby by this man.

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 14:10

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 10:31

Thank you all. It’s good to see different sides. It’s not a new relationship. Our lives are very much together. But this happened 6 months too soon. I can see that too.

Already have kids. Also are Christians and that is colouring my view but I really want to see it for others prospective. I’m not narrow minded and want to do what is right.

He's a Christian who is on his second relationship with kids from the first, has been sleeping with you outside of marriage and wants you to have a termination?

That's not what Christians do.

reddragon7 · 06/04/2023 14:10

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 09:56

Name changed for this. Apologies.

If a man is clear that he does not want to have a child, is it selfish for the woman to carry on with the pregnancy?

I know I haven’t provided many details but complete accident. Not a new relationship.

Absolutely not. I think it’s brave and wonderful for you to continue with the pregnancy, and I wish you all the best. It is very selfish of the man to think he can just make you pregnant and run.

Raindropsonuebells · 06/04/2023 14:11

6 months too soon sounds like a future fakers excuse to me regardless of how Christian he apparently is. Do what is best for you OP .

fitzwilliamdarcy · 06/04/2023 14:11

No OP, it absolutely is not selfish to grant life to another human being. It's SELFLESS if anything.

It absolutely is not selfless. Especially not in this situation.

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 14:11

And he's tried to guilt trip you into having a termination.

Don't be with him.

YouWithoutEnd · 06/04/2023 14:14

How do we find out what Jesus likes best? Abortions? Or babies born out of wedlock, to adults who already both have children and divorces under their belts?

What a conundrum, so whatever feels right for your OP, your future husband is a prick.

Jadviga · 06/04/2023 14:20

Just to get this straight - in six months he'd have been happy to marry you and have a child, but not now ?

This makes no sense at all. He either is willing to have a family with you, or not. Sounds like it's "not" in this case, and that he was just stringing you along.

It's not selfish to have a baby you want. I had children as a single parent by choice and they are perfectly happy. I'd argue that it's better to not have a dad than to have a loser as a father.

Do what is right for you. Either way the relationship is over. What a waste of space that man is ! Good luck to you.