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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is carry on a pregnancy without support from the father selfish?

107 replies

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 09:56

Name changed for this. Apologies.

If a man is clear that he does not want to have a child, is it selfish for the woman to carry on with the pregnancy?

I know I haven’t provided many details but complete accident. Not a new relationship.

OP posts:
Frozendaquiri · 06/04/2023 14:22

YouWithoutEnd · 06/04/2023 14:14

How do we find out what Jesus likes best? Abortions? Or babies born out of wedlock, to adults who already both have children and divorces under their belts?

What a conundrum, so whatever feels right for your OP, your future husband is a prick.

I'm a Catholic and can safely say that God does not endorse abortions so he can't be that strong in his religion. In fact I can safely say it would be worse in the eyes of the Lord than having a child whilst unmarried.

Sparklybanana · 06/04/2023 14:26

It is hugely different being the person who gives the judgement than the one having to do the punishment. Stopping a pregnancy is fucking awful mentally and physically and even the best partner would not have to deal with the consequences as much as the mother. Its way too easy to say "I don't want a baby" when you don't have to deal with either the abortion or the child. The mother has no choice but to go through one or the other so no it's not selfish. It's survival.
He had the choice to make the baby in the first place.

monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 14:29

You say the relationship would be over if you kept the baby, but it's over if you don't too because you'll never forget how he asked you (emotionally blackmailed you, if he's holding the relationship to ransom) to do something so permanent (and potentially traumatic depending on how you feel about things) when apparently if it happened in 20 weeks or so it would be fine.

So it's about saving face because he doesn't want a baby to be born before you're married? Because he's happy to have sex before marriage but doesn't want other Christians to find out about it? That's the purest hypocrisy.

This is what I'm assuming too. He sounds like a horrible and manipulative hypocrite.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2023 14:50

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:45

@Cigarettesaftersex1 we would be married and our children would have had time living together as a family

This is just about the worst "reason" to have an abortion I've ever heard. SIX MONTHS too "early?" Come on, now.

But hey, you do whatever to appease this shitbag of a man.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 14:51

I'm a Christian.
OP - any man whose response to his pregnant partner is to tell you to have an abortion, is not acting in a Christian way.
He should be supportive. I take it there was a contraceptive failure?
Your relationship seems to be at an end now.
But can't you seek advice from your Pastor?

strawberry2017 · 06/04/2023 14:58

So to clarify you are getting married to this man?
Were kids planned for the future. Did he use any contraception?

iamenougheveryday · 06/04/2023 15:01

It was selfish of the man to ejaculate inside a vagina without wearing a condom in the first place knowing full well he didn't want a baby!!!

HamBone · 06/04/2023 15:07

I’m another person who can’t understand the “six months too soon” issue. My DD came along a little sooner than expected, but it wasn’t an issue as we were committed to each other.
If being married when the baby’s born is important to you both, bring the wedding forward.

As a PP said, if your partner can’t deal with life’s surprises, it doesn’t bode well for the relationship, does it?

ElectricMagpie · 06/04/2023 15:09

Just to say my son was born a couple of months before I married his dad and the council actually amended his birth cert (when I showed them the wedding cert of course!) to remove all trace of my maiden name. I didn't know this was possible until I mentioned the upcoming wedding to the staff who printed the first birth cert; this could be an option for you?

gogohmm · 06/04/2023 15:11

Is it selfish? Well it's not that simple. Bringing a child into the world you cannot support yourself knowing the father doesn't want anything to do with it is borderline usually yet I believe it's a woman's choice.

In the circumstances you describe though he is being selfish saying it's too early, he should have abstained! Would I terminate, yes because I think every child needs 2 parents and your existing children need you, with a new baby and no support this is too much - I'm a church going Christian yet I don't see the conflict because the alive people take precedence over cells.

tattygrl · 06/04/2023 15:16

I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who had given me an ultimatum to abort or break up, regardless of what I ultimately wanted to do regarding the pregnancy.
It is also absolutely absurd that in his ideal world, you'll get married and have a few months with the existing kids, then have a baby - but that having a baby now is grounds for breaking up completely. Absolutely absurd. I'm so sorry you've been put in this position.
FWIW, I don't think the word "selfish" has any place in this conversation, particularly not regarding yourself, OP. If anyone is being selfish it's your partner, who is prepared to pressure you into a major decision (abortion) just so he can have his own perfect time scale in a few months time (not that there's even any guarantee of getting pregnant at the desired moment anyway!).

CurlewKate · 06/04/2023 17:00

@Viviennemary So men can screw up contraception without consequences?

Original poster
Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:30

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don’t feel quite so crazy now.

Latest from DP is that he will go for 50:50 custody. But still doesn’t want a baby at this point. Madness.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 18:34

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:30

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don’t feel quite so crazy now.

Latest from DP is that he will go for 50:50 custody. But still doesn’t want a baby at this point. Madness.

Is a poster upthread right when they say this? It sounds like it. If so he's a horrible, horrible hypocrite.

So it's about saving face because he doesn't want a baby to be born before you're married? Because he's happy to have sex before marriage but doesn't want other Christians to find out about it? That's the purest hypocrisy.

RampantIvy · 06/04/2023 18:38

Honestly as an atheist (and a pro-choice one at that) I cannot get my head around his attitude. There is so much cognitive dissonance at play that it’s not even worth addressing it.

I agree with @PortmeirionTiles
Your ex partner's attitude is bonkers.

TheShellBeach · 06/04/2023 18:44

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:30

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don’t feel quite so crazy now.

Latest from DP is that he will go for 50:50 custody. But still doesn’t want a baby at this point. Madness.

OP he sounds like he's threatening you.

Original poster
Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:46

@monsteramunch not really to be honest. It’s more about our current children. We haven’t yet lived together as a family and it’s about the adjustment period for them. I think he is worried that I will push his kids out. Well that’s what he has said. Absolutely not my intention but it’s not really as black and white as it may at first seem. I don’t agree with his reasoning but I can understand it.

OP posts:
GOW56 · 06/04/2023 18:51

No it isn't selfish. It's selfish of the man to say he won't support his child it's not selfish of the woman to carry on with the pregnancy. Everyone knows having sex could lead to a child. If the man isn't prepared to live with the consequences of that he is is is the selfish one not the woman

Tandora · 06/04/2023 18:52

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:43

Again, thank you.

I absolutely do not want to have a termination but carrying on with the pregnancy will the the end of the relationship. However, as heartbreaking as it is, that my be best.

I should add that I am 12 weeks so I’m properly pregnant.

Oh my gosh , if you absolutely do not want a termination then you absolutely must not have one!!
enough said.

Tandora · 06/04/2023 18:54

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:30

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don’t feel quite so crazy now.

Latest from DP is that he will go for 50:50 custody. But still doesn’t want a baby at this point. Madness.

He’s a nasty bastard. He’s trying to threaten and control you.

Nailsandthesea · 06/04/2023 18:58

Feel free to PM I was in a committed relationship and 34 and got pregnant despite contraception.

he wanted a termination and sent me numerous solicitor letters to coerce me into an abortion including offering me a huge lump sum and a holiday - he promised marriage a year later and then children.

I thank god most days that I dumped him and had my daughter . He has never had a relationship with her or paid a penny - nothing and aged 50 is single and lives alone.

Ponderingwindow · 06/04/2023 19:02

I think continuing a pregnancy in an unstable situation can be selfish. That means neither the mother nor the father is really in a good position to become a parent.

Continuing a pregnancy just because the father doesn’t want the baby is not selfish.

ScrollingLeaves · 06/04/2023 19:19

Six months with the new family should never be more important than the baby. What a lesson to teach the other children too!

If marriage matters to him, yet he’d make you have an abortion for a baby who would be born six months too soon, then he has twisted, messed-up, hypocritical, very irreligious thinking.

Do you think he is lying? Maybe he never wants a baby.

What would he say if you had an abortion and left him too?

PortmeirionTiles · 06/04/2023 21:18

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 18:30

Thank you everyone for your input. I really do appreciate it. I don’t feel quite so crazy now.

Latest from DP is that he will go for 50:50 custody. But still doesn’t want a baby at this point. Madness.

I’m glad you see this for the insanity it is.

So: he does not want a baby, and if you continue with the pregnancy he will break up with you. And will also want 50/50 residency of the child (that he does not want).

But if you terminate the pregnancy he wants to marry you and try for a new pregnancy in six months? Or has he changed his mind on that now?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, it must be really upsetting to be on the receiving end of this bizarre and controlling behaviour, especially when pregnant.

Please do not let him manipulate you into thinking there is anything reasonable about any of this.

Laserbird16 · 07/04/2023 09:39

Sounds like 50/50 is a ruse so he doesn't have to pay maintenance and he knows he can leave the hardest baby years to you alone. He's awful, please get away from him asap.