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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is carry on a pregnancy without support from the father selfish?

107 replies

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 09:56

Name changed for this. Apologies.

If a man is clear that he does not want to have a child, is it selfish for the woman to carry on with the pregnancy?

I know I haven’t provided many details but complete accident. Not a new relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:45

@Cigarettesaftersex1 we would be married and our children would have had time living together as a family

OP posts:
Cinderellaspumpkin · 06/04/2023 11:48

Of course it's not selfish @Namefonow . The women (?!) saying men should be guilt tripped into the trauma of terminations they don't want , ( with men who want unprotected sex ) , have a very , very warped and dangerous view . Also funny ( in a grim) way, how nasty some pro "choice" posters get when a woman chooses to have a baby instead of an abortion

ChickenDhansak82 · 06/04/2023 11:49

The choice was getting pregnant or not. If he didn't want a pregnancy then he had the choice of abstaining from sex, the snip, condoms etc... (man contraception!).

Clearly he has allowed sperm to reach egg so its rather pathetic for him to just now wash his hands and request a termination.

TyGoch · 06/04/2023 11:50

Can't you get married sooner?

vivainsomnia · 06/04/2023 11:50

How can strangers advise you with the limited information you have provided? What is best depends on many factors, not just 1 or 2.

You need to discuss it with people who know you and your situation well and can be honest with you. Or a counsellor who can help you see the situation from the outside to help you make your own decision.

Don't listen to complete strangers who will tell you based on their own perceptions, values and circumstances.

PortmeirionTiles · 06/04/2023 11:56

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 11:45

@Cigarettesaftersex1 we would be married and our children would have had time living together as a family

Honestly as an atheist (and a pro-choice one at that) I cannot get my head around his attitude. There is so much cognitive dissonance at play that it’s not even worth addressing it.

Based on what you’ve said, it seems like your relationship is over whatever you decide. This is not a man who’s willing to roll with the punches that life inevitably doles out. If you or one if the children gets seriously ill he’ll probably be gone too, it’s not going to fit in with his life plan.

Desperatelywantinganother · 06/04/2023 11:56

can you not just bring the wedding forward?
Lots of people also object to abortions on religious grounds too so your church community perhaps wouldn’t be that judgemental about it anyway.

Laserbird16 · 06/04/2023 11:56

I think it's the end of the relationship either way. You can't schedule babies unless of course you don't have sex.

Were more children discussed for you guys in the future? Anyway his reaction to your pregnancy reveals a lot.

A loving partner would support you and look at ways to move forward the marriage if that was important to you both.

But his withdrawing support because of timing would be the end for me.

What you do is up to you but I couldn't look at my partner the same after this.

Desperatelywantinganother · 06/04/2023 12:00

Actually I wouldn’t normally think of this, but it might help in your situation :does your church do pre-marital counseling or something like that?
The cognitive dissonance of being against babies outside of marriage but for pressuring your partner into a 2nd trimester abortion is making my brain explode a bit. It’s not like anyone was expecting either of you to be virgins on your wedding day seeing as you both have children from previous relationships and you were planning on moving in together very soon, before you were married.

MrsRinaDecker · 06/04/2023 12:05

I’m also a Christian, and while I don’t judge the choices of other women, I know I wouldn’t be ok with a TOP, so with that in mind I think you would regret it.
What support system do you have outside your partner?

Whataretheodds · 06/04/2023 12:09

So get married now? If you were ok with sex before marriage there's no point in being coy about it now.

Do you honestly think the relationship will survive if you feel obliged to have a termination you don't want?

Iwasafool · 06/04/2023 12:12

Namefonow · 06/04/2023 10:31

Thank you all. It’s good to see different sides. It’s not a new relationship. Our lives are very much together. But this happened 6 months too soon. I can see that too.

Already have kids. Also are Christians and that is colouring my view but I really want to see it for others prospective. I’m not narrow minded and want to do what is right.

You have to do what is right for you, either way you will have to live with the decision for the rest of your life so don't do something that isn't right for you.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 06/04/2023 12:14

I think the woman should do what she believes is best. It is her body. If you want to continue the pregnancy please do so. I know a few people who felt pressure to have an abortion and it has been very tough on them mentally.

On the other hand if the woman is sure she wants an abortion that is also her choice.

I don’t think it is selfish to do either. Only the woman can decide.

WheelsUp · 06/04/2023 12:15

Having read your update - I assume you mean he would have been happy if it happened in 6 months time? If so, he is being selfish not supporting you. Has he never heard of the saying that there's never a perfect time for having a baby?
If he didn't use a condom (or get a vasectomy because he never wants a child) then he was selfish to have sex.

purplecorkheart · 06/04/2023 12:16

Could you marry a man who forces you to have a termination when you clearly do not want one? I don't think you should have a termination because the baby is arriving a bit earlier than is ideal.

SpecialControlGroup · 06/04/2023 12:18

TyGoch · 06/04/2023 11:50

Can't you get married sooner?

Why would he get married at all if he doesn't want the child?

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 12:19

If this happened ‘6 months too soon’ and will be the end of your relationship then the relationship is shitty anyway.

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 06/04/2023 12:22

Under no circumstances should any woman feel compelled, pressured or otherwise under duress to have a termination. She has to go in feeling it's 100% the right decision for her, regardless of what the father thinks.

Can I ask - Did the father take any steps to prevent the pregnancy or is the responsibility all yours? Not that it would make a difference to your decision. I just notice that men love to get involved in women's healthcare but they do hate to wear rubbers, don't they? Talk about selfish!

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. I feel for you. You have to do what's best for you.

avocadotofu · 06/04/2023 12:34

No I don't think it is! I think its actually selfish of the guy to refuse involvement.

Iam4eels · 06/04/2023 12:43

Ignore what other people here would or wouldn't do, this is about you.

Ignore your partner too, he's irrelevant now. You want this baby so your choices here are:

  • continue the pregnancy knowing it's more than likely going to mean the end of your relationship because even if he says he'll stay, he'll resent you and no one wants to live with a resentful partner

Or

  • have an abortion which you don't want for the sake of thisan at which point you're going to end up resenting him and, again, that's going to mean the end of your relationship

So disregard what he wants or thinks or believes you should do. What do you want to do?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 06/04/2023 12:49

It’s selfish to the child, but you’ve made up your mind so not sure what the point in the thread is.

Rainbowmama2023 · 06/04/2023 13:04

OP
I do not think that many relationships survive this situation for this reason:

If you terminate because he doesn’t want the baby, you are most likely going to always resent him. Terminations are for most people a big thing and especially as you want to keep the baby, you’ll most likely find yourself resenting him and breaking up eventually as you know you have aborted your loved and wanted baby for him. Something you will struggle to get over.

If you do not terminate, you are going to lose him anyway if he is 100% against having the baby.

I terminated a baby at 8 weeks when I was in my early 20’s as my partner at the time didn’t want me to have the baby. I wanted to keep the baby. Within a month we broke up because I couldn’t see him in the same light, I was so annoyed with myself for aborting the baby for him. I was grieving and he was glad. It didn’t work.

I would think long and hard about this choice, especially as you are now 3 months pregnant

ToughLoveLDN · 06/04/2023 13:06

Yes, its very selfish. You are only thinking about your personal wants not the child. How is that child going to feel growing up unwanted...

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2023 13:11

This whole relationship is a nonsense.

You’ve been each other a while, you’re getting married and planning to live together but a pregnancy in 6 months would be ok rather than now?

It’s all nonsense and you need to wake up.

Your relationship cannot survive this.

Jagoda · 06/04/2023 13:13

YANBU. I tell my DS that he needs to take full responsibility for contraception and even then, it could fail.

If you want the baby, go ahead.