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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've experienced reactions like this( tantrums basically from adults)when you have suddenly decided to have decent boundaries?

111 replies

malificent7 · 06/04/2023 08:57

When explaining to fiance's ex that she wasn't coming to our wedding ceremony, only the after party, she stopped talking to me for a good few months and is still off with me now.

When explaining to my friend that now my dd is a teen she choses her own friends nowadays rather than play with her dd ( who was mean to my dd). Apparently my dd is horrid...much stomping and bleating.

Why are people so entitled?

I think I have been a people pleaser forever and now, mid 40s I suddenly want boundaries and people do not like it at all.

Luckily my dd has superb boundaries as we can see above and I applaud her.

Any other examples please welcome!

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 06/04/2023 09:00

Certainly a so called friend hasn't spoken to me in 10 years as I told her I wouldn't be able to travel two hours to set up a party room for her daughters birthday as I would be recovering from an operation.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:04

Yes of course. Manipulative people with a sense of entitlement HATE reasonable and healthy boundaries. They will do their level best to break them down by punishing those who have established them.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 09:05

Or by cutting them off completely...if you're no longer malleable and servile you're no longer useful.

Waterlooville · 06/04/2023 09:05

With both of the examples you gave it sounds like the people involved were coming to terms with life changing stages (becoming an ex, children growing up) rather than being stroppy about a particular event. You could try being a bit more empathetic. You shouldn't have done anything different in either scenario but you could try thinking more about why they might behave disproportionately.

Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:11

The ex cheated on my dp and is happily married with 2 kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:12

The ex has also been an ex for 10 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:13

And the friend has history of piss poor boundaries...going out with my exes for example and expecting me to be fine with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:14

And if your child is mean tackle that rather than the people that distance themselves because of said meanness.

OP posts:
MoonBase · 06/04/2023 09:15

At a wedding and meeting a friends then GF for the first time

We were just about to go for the meal and she demanded her boyfriend (my friend) buy her a cheese board from the resturant for NOW he rationally said we were going in for the meal now it wouldn't be delivered in time- you will literally be sat at the table having a cheese board delivered

She stood up and screamed and stamped her feet...I remember thinking this was a good example of "hangry" but from a 30 something woman and my friend was right not to go running for a cheese board when she said get me one now...

If she wanted it so badly she could go herself!!

FizzyWineAndCrisps · 06/04/2023 09:16

This is exactly how I’m feeling lately.
I’m Mid-40s, I’ve always been a people-pleaser, but now I’ve reached the end of the line with it and have learnt to say no. This has resulted in relatives knocking at the door and shouting through the letterbox because a visit wasn’t convenient (they were told beforehand but came anyway), people turning up in the middle of us eating dinner and barging passed us into the house. I’m honestly sick of how entitled people are these days.

mastertomsmum · 06/04/2023 09:18

Not quite the same, but my Mum didn’t speak to me for about a fortnight when I decided I would go back to work after Maternity Leave

Dinneronmybfpillow · 06/04/2023 09:20

On the flip side... I've learnt to truly appreciate my relationships with healthy boundaries. Can't do something or just don't want to? Totally acceptable and we'll catch up another time or do something else. So much less hassle and drama!

Crikeyisthatthetime · 06/04/2023 09:23

Waterlooville · 06/04/2023 09:05

With both of the examples you gave it sounds like the people involved were coming to terms with life changing stages (becoming an ex, children growing up) rather than being stroppy about a particular event. You could try being a bit more empathetic. You shouldn't have done anything different in either scenario but you could try thinking more about why they might behave disproportionately.

Eh? Have a think about the thread title. Then have a think about what you've just posted.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 06/04/2023 09:24

Waterlooville · 06/04/2023 09:05

With both of the examples you gave it sounds like the people involved were coming to terms with life changing stages (becoming an ex, children growing up) rather than being stroppy about a particular event. You could try being a bit more empathetic. You shouldn't have done anything different in either scenario but you could try thinking more about why they might behave disproportionately.

There’s no excuse for adults to be having tantrums

Neededanewuserhandle · 06/04/2023 09:25

I was going to post something similar about how all the adults in my life seem to have a range of ideas about how I could run my own fucking life better - and they all disagree with each other and expect me to choose one persons advice over another. I am rapidly reaching the "you can all fuck off" stage.

YANBU at all.

Easterfunbun · 06/04/2023 09:26

I presume if you’ve had weak boundaries in the past you would have attracted the takers, in which case, yes, they’ll have stomp their feet when boundaries are implemented. At first it may seem like this is happening a lot but over time you attract healthier relationships and friendships.

IdBeWeeping · 06/04/2023 09:28

Yes!!!!!

dandersrevenge · 06/04/2023 09:28

Yes I've experienced this recently too. Think I'm peri which has turned me from a people pleasing push over to someone with a firm set of boundaries. Older family members especially, aren't used to it and expect me to put up with their shitty behaviour but I absolutely won't tolerate it anymore. I finally stood up to MIL when I'd had enough of her blatant favouritism towards BIL (paying £30k towards their wedding, rudely saying she won't contribute to ours) etc. It will affect relationships but it depends how much you value your self esteem I guess.

Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:44

Apparently i cost my dad more growing up than my sister did hence he is not going to contribute as much to mine! Lol.. he can stuff his money.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 06/04/2023 09:46

Sorry he's not going to contribute as much to my wedding as he is to my sister's. I don't mind...it comes with strings, but it hurt. I have distanced myself and told him he should have made a spreadsheet!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 06/04/2023 09:48

Yes agree op. My mother is very entitled. I realise I had no boundaries Im much better now I take no crap lol. But yes they dont like it.

NorthStarRising · 06/04/2023 09:50

On the flip side... I've learnt to truly appreciate my relationships with healthy boundaries. Can't do something or just don't want to? Totally acceptable and we'll catch up another time or do something else. So much less hassle and drama!

This.
You should only have to set a boundary once, and an adult should be able to deal with it, or walk away from the relationship without drama if they find that boundary unacceptable.

AFingerofFudge · 06/04/2023 09:50

I suddenly developed healthy boundaries with a certain friend after she left me high and dry looking after her kids hours after she was due back. It happened on many occasions and one day I grew a backbone and said no. Funnily enough I don't see her now as I stopped being useful to her Grin

P3N · 06/04/2023 09:56

The only time I've ever thrown an adult tantrum was after I had a stroke and I couldn't lift a box of washing. (The foot stamping, huffing and puffing, shouting kind). My husband stood watching me from the door (I didn't know he was watching) and I was mortified. I've never done it again and he quickly came and helped.

My MIL used to throw a child like strop often if she didn't get her way and would emotionally manipulate my husband to get her own way. Now her children don't speak to her as often and she wonders why. Sometimes I feel sad about it but she's such hard work and she's been abusive towards me and my family.

ggbbnn1 · 06/04/2023 10:00

Good for you finding your boundaries!!! I've found/finding mine now and it's delightful ☺️