To ask if you've experienced reactions like this( tantrums basically from adults)when you have suddenly decided to have decent boundaries?

[malificent7]

When explaining to fiance's ex that she wasn't coming to our wedding ceremony, only the after party, she stopped talking to me for a good few months and is still off with me now.

When explaining to my friend that now my dd is a teen she choses her own friends nowadays rather than play with her dd ( who was mean to my dd). Apparently my dd is horrid...much stomping and bleating.

Why are people so entitled?

I think I have been a people pleaser forever and now, mid 40s I suddenly want boundaries and people do not like it at all.

Luckily my dd has superb boundaries as we can see above and I applaud her.

Any other examples please welcome!

DH’s ex got in a right strop when we said she couldn’t come on holiday with us. Apparently she was going to be the ‘nanny’ and take care of the kids whilst DH and I went to see the sights. Well, if we’d wanted to do that then we wouldn’t have taken the kids, would we??!! And she wanted us to pay for her. The cheek of it. We politely declined.

I think it's important to add that people pleasers often get something out of these relationships too. If you have low self esteem it can feel good to be flattered by a user and it is difficult to bear someone's disapproval if you don't accommodate their demands.

The flattery and disapproval are simply tools of manipulation which people pleasers respond to by exhibiting behaviour which seeks the flattery and avoids the disapproval. Once you know your worth other people's opinions of you matter far less.

I became ill in my early 30's and realised that most of the people around me were happy to take from me but never give. Both family and friends (some of) didn't offer to help us out once. Once I recovered I changed. All my relationships now are equal, I speak my mind and do nothing that I don't want to do. I am so much happier after laying down my boundaries but yes, some people couldn't believe my sheer audacity lol. They were told to fuck off and never darken my doorstep again. I am content, happy and my life is drama free. I love it.

I also find some people mistake having healthy boundaries for being needlessly confrontation and a bit of an arse, and refuse to see why people take them at face value.

Yes. Having boundaries does not necessitate being rude and confrontational. Some of the stories on this thread sound less like respectful expressions of boundaries, and more like confrontational rants.

Basically in MN world:
I have healthy boundaries
You are demanding and rude

Though I will say, two of my closest friends are real cheeky fuckers with other people. They both have the hide of a rhino and seem to respect the fact that I cottoned on to them and ask me for nothing. If I had known them before I was ill I dont know if we would still be friends. Ooo I don't know, very interesting though.

@ThirdCultureKid Good on you, stick with it. Yeah, it really puts their nose out of joint (secret smug chuckle to myself)

Yes!

I found that when I got better about boundaries a lot of people flounced out of my life.

So called friends who thought it was OK to be constantly flakey and entitled.

One friend decided to give me the silent treatment simply because I could not pick up something at her house.

The fact that at the time I had Covid, was in the middle of completing the sale of my flat and needed to pack & organise to move out 2.5 hours away from where I was living seemingly did not matter to her. Me running an errand for her should have taken priority...

I simply let her get on to her silent treatment nonsense and got on with my life. Good riddance.

I grew up with a toxic mother who would throw a tantrum or start crying hysterically if she did not get her way. It was horrendous to have to deal with someone so immature and manipulative.

These days I would rather have less people in my life than put up with entitled idiots.

I think the problem is we find these boundaries in our 40s or50s so the takers are well used to taking and have a massive shock when we go no I’m not taking this shit anymore

So true, for this reason alone I’m glad it’s come early 😂

Yes but it’s been happening for a while. A sort of friend (from an organised friendship group) used to ring me up if I was in the West End and demand I meet her for a drink, no matter if I was busy/tired. I did it twice and that was that.

Then there was an email sulk and stroppy demand that we come to her birthday picnic in a London park even though me and the other friends were busy. I think this came not long after she’d accused me of flirting with her boyfriend (I hadn’t been backed up by a friend who was there) at a night in where the boyfriend gatecrashed it.

Add to that the organiser of the friendship group was angry and fell out with me as I’d organised a meal out with other friends from the group to say thank you for all her hard work. Apparently I was doing this to look good - no I wasn’t!

I’m done with being nice to certain people or going out of my way to be kind/nice as sometimes people just throw it back it your face.

Unsurprisingly I'm surrounded by CFs because I've been a CF-magnet.

I lifted this ^^ from another thread and I wonder if this is applicable to some of the scenarios here?

Because it's HER garden and SHE gets to choose what happens in it, perhaps?

My sil throws toddler style tantrums. I've even witnessed her throw herself on the floor.

She once stormed out of a family party because I had lost weight. Mil actually sent me home lol. How dare I outshine her ffs. Mind boggling.

I think some people get into a habit as a child of getting their own way by having a strop, then never grow out if it. I just cringe

I was told I was "being very selfish" when I asked for money back for the shopping she asked me to pick up because I lived next to a supermarket.
She never spoke to me again, but I did come home one day to some cash in an envelope through the letterbox.

Glad to read OP of your setting boundaries and also that your DD does too.

I've noticed that when you draw boundaries and enforce them that that comes with an additional superpower - the ability to tell when something is said to put you in your place and you don't care.

@malificent7 Hmm well did your dad give you more money in the past? Support you through uni, contribute to a deposit or a car etc?

If there has been a disparity it could be your dad employing appropriate boundaries in this instance?

I agree with the pp who said there's a difference between politely having boundaries and being needlessly rude. But in my experience when people are used to someone bending over backwards to please everyone else they often interpret it as being rude and/or awkward when they stop.

As a very minor example, I joined a group of volunteers a few years ago. Once a year we have a meal out together and every year there are a couple of men who very firmly state places/types of food that they don't like. No one ever questions this or complains about it, even though it rules out anything spicy and quite a few of the nearest restaurants. I'm vegetarian and the place they have chosen for the last 2 years has only 1, very uninspiring, option for me. I have mentioned before that the menu is limited for me but said something along the lines of 'never mind, it will be OK'. This year I asked if we could consider somewhere else so that I have a bit more choice, but said that if everyone else really wants to go there I'll just meet them after for a drink as I don't want to spend lot of money for a meal that I don't like. I suggested a few other places that would suit everyone's tastes and even offered to call and book. According to a friend, this was fed back to everyone else as 'Lovelypidgeon's having a strop and refusing to go to our usual place so we might have to just cancel the whole thing'.

I’ve had this too @peoniesarejustperfect

A much younger woman at a group I run latched on to me. She didn’t have a job with conventional hours, so would pester me with messages during my working, wouldn’t take ‘I’m busy’ as a cue to back off, and was deeply hurt when I dared to spend my weekends as I chose, rather than wanting to constantly ‘catch up’ with her over coffee and cake for whole stretches of time on my precious days off.

She was endlessly anxious about me when I travelled anywhere, even short train journeys for meetings, and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t prepared to text her every time to let her know I’d arrived safely or was back home. I am a 60 and have grandchildren! Even my DH or adult DCs don’t ask for this.

I had to mute her to save my sanity. She’s now sulking and hardly contacting me. Result!

How did she manage it? Please?

I agree that my dad did set his boundaries but he sent my sis to private school for 4 more years than me so no idea how I cost him more. Anyhow, I realised it's hurt that he even brought it up so i guess our new boundary is that we no longer rely on dad which is healthier all round. My sis and I joke that he should have made a spreadsheet.

I regret being a people pleaser in the past. I guess people are shocked now I've got my backbone finally.

I guess the ex is invited to the wedding party as we were invited to hers. We do get on but since the strop I have concluded that I can't be close due to entitlement.

The Friend with child did not congratulate me on getting a 1st but told me that my ( very difficult) science degree must have been too easy.

Hence i cannot be arsed any more.

Oh bless you that's not a tantrum that's sheer frustration. I hope you are feeling much better now x