To ask if you've experienced reactions like this( tantrums basically from adults)when you have suddenly decided to have decent boundaries?

[malificent7]

When explaining to fiance's ex that she wasn't coming to our wedding ceremony, only the after party, she stopped talking to me for a good few months and is still off with me now.

When explaining to my friend that now my dd is a teen she choses her own friends nowadays rather than play with her dd ( who was mean to my dd). Apparently my dd is horrid...much stomping and bleating.

Why are people so entitled?

I think I have been a people pleaser forever and now, mid 40s I suddenly want boundaries and people do not like it at all.

Luckily my dd has superb boundaries as we can see above and I applaud her.

Any other examples please welcome!

Suppose depends, for example if he paid for you to go through uni but your sister didn't go to uni.

Urgh I had an ex friend do this to me. I apologise but she cut contact. Then she tried to reconnect when she found out I was pregnant a couple of years later. I couldn't forgive at that point as she had hurt me too much.

I don’t know my daughter always seemed to have tantrums which obviously worried me tremendously and quite often embarrassed me. She always has very fixed ridged ideas of how things should be done. Eg in your examples there are certain people who ‘should’ be invited to a wedding, irrespective of whether or not you like them. If you always see friend A at 7pm on Thursday that should always happen, even if they had some sort of family crisis going on.
She’s recently in her 20’s been diagnosed with ASD which accounts for the rigid thinking and meltdowns when things don’t go to plan.

Ah, I've got one -

My mum brought her poodle with her for the first time to visit myself and my baby (we live quite far apart).

The dog made me very nervous, barking and growling at baby because my mum was cutesy-cooing him. The dog was jealous. He's notoriously bad with children and other dogs and generally poorly behaved.

This was mid November and I told mum not to bring this dog with her for Christmas. I don't want my baby's first Christmas to be about keeping them apart.

Oh the dramatics. How could I? What short notice. How selfish, how awful.

I told her to grow up (I later apologised for that).

Recently we were chatting about it and she said;

"Well...it wasn't what you said [the dog can't come], it was the way you said it"

I asked "How did I say it?"

She said "Well...you said yourself you were rude, you apologised" and she changed the subject.

See, what she did there was reframe the incident as her having a strop because I was rude to her, rather than me being rude to her because she was having a strop.

Perimenopause is a great time for realising that you just don’t have to put up with people’s shit any longer. It’s very empowering!

We have a holiday house we rent out and as it was empty my husband decided to organise a rugby watching weekend with 4 other mates. This was a blokes only thing.

He asked me to make up all the beds, so I asked if they could bring their own bedding. I’d been relentlessly doing all the bed changing, washing and cleaning and turning around the house for holiday lets for 5 years.

He called me lazy and said it would only take a few minutes. He then got cross and said he’d do it himself (best result for me). Only he then decided to ask everyone to bring their own bedding.

Just to add having a holiday let was not something I’d ever wanted to do (but I’d ended up doing the turn rounds anyway).

Maybe it is because DH and I have such clear boundaries good bullshit radar we don't actually know anyone who behaves like this. Perhaps they avoid us, or they don't ask for anything unreasonable because they know the answer will be no.

Is your husband always this selfish and lazy? Does he not benefit from the holiday let money too?

I would appraise how much you do for this man and if he is worth it.

Just to add having a holiday let was not something I’d ever wanted to do (but I’d ended up doing the turn rounds anyway).

Why are you doing the work for a holiday let he wanted?

My sd wasn't getting on with her mother (I can't say I blame her-her mother is a nutter-i don't say that about another woman
lightly,but I've been on the receiving end for years)

Anyway,sd told us she was moving in with us

I redecorated the spare room made it cosy and welcomed her

She walked in,told her dad it was a shithole and gave him a list of stuff she wanted for the room-nothing cost less than £50-she wanted a new bed,bedding,plants,candles-it was a long list

I put up with this-but refused to buy anything that was on this damn list-her dad agreed with me and told her this

After about a month of her living with us,she was unbelievably rude to me,made endless demands,would make the biggest mess known to man and would just walk off,she would break stuff and either ignore it or deny it,blocked the toilet everyday,would demand (say) almond milk and bagels but not touch them until they went off,shed eave every light/the heating on and leave the house,would appear to demand money and demand to choose what to have for dinner every night-it was soul destroying-nothing was good enough

We both work full time and we both got sick of this fast-coming home to a shithole,not of pur making was soul crushing,then we'd find broken stuff laying around and then we'd have to unblock the lav-everyday

I made the mistake of saying that as she was almost 18,she should be getting a job

Cue a shit ton on tears,playing us off with her mother,(endless phone calls screaming at me to work longer hours and give sd more money-mother is on benefits herself and hasnt worked for well over 20 years)shit stirring the pot with my narc (I'm nc with them) family,showing up at my work to scream at me and just stirring the pot with everyone I know-thankfully,they all told her to get back in her box,so she's gone further afield with her poison

I put my foot down and told her 'job or leave'

Her exact words where 'YOU have to pay my way until I marry a rich man,I'm not getting a job!'

3 weeks later she was back living with her mother-I'm the evil bitch in all this

A week after that she came back to my house thinking I wasn't in let herself in with a key she'd had cut and had a shock at seeing me

A massive row later she did leave the spare key but has done nothing but stir the pot with my family,slagged me off to everyone I know,told everyone i hit her,(i didnt)rings her dad only when she wants something that benefits herself,has done revenge porn against me and I know she's posted dog shit through my letterbox

All because I told her to get a job and pay her own way-and stood up to her when she refused

And she still doesn't have a job

Have twice experienced middle aged men throwing ALL their toys out of the pram in meetings when someone expressed very mild disagreement. One was a head teacher who had been fibbing to parents and the local authority. He threw a literal tantrum, shouting and throwing himself about like a two year old. The other was an even older man at a community council meeting who drummed his feet on the floor and yelled at everyone when (very politely) challenged. Extraordinary.

I told a friend I didn't want her looking up my DC's medical information while she was at work, so she could give her view on the diagnosis.

She blew up!

We're no longer friends.

Yep I'm starting to live in a world with no friends or family around because of my new found boundaries since becoming a mum on my own and not being able to make the effort I used to, to be the one keeping those relationships alive. It's like the tumbleweeds are everywhere but I'm slowly getting happier and happier, despite it mostly being just me and DD on a day to day basis. I've noticed it with new friends though. They won't ever reach out unless they want something and also invite me to travel over to their side of town, but never want to come to mine. Now I've started to put my boundaries in place and don't hear back from them. I don't think some people are raised to know if you want good things in life you have to make effort for them. I don't let it affect my self worth like I used to. Glad I'm not the only one.

So who's having the strop? OP who doesn't want her DP's ex to be at the wedding or the ex who doesn't particularly want to talk to her. It's all a matter of perception. Boundaries is another one of those words that no-one except surveyors and estate agents used until about five years ago and now it means "What I want" and is in regular use along with "abuse" (what I don't want), gaslighting, (recollections may differ) and narcissist - (apparently everybody else!). 😂

This is a great example of when your boundaries are working.
Think it's said to put you back in your place. 😉

OP. I totally agree with you. Think part of it is about not having boundaries before - so new to you and them. Maybe a bit of tension is inevitable as they bed in?

I have a similar problem with friendships. I am very friendly by nature, but find that some people want more of me than I’m willing to give.

I have ad his recently with a work friend - during covid we formed a Gang of Four who chatted once a week. Three of us have now left that field can of work, but the fourth keeps messaging me - missing me, wanting to chat, how am I coping with everything? I kept giving her honest excuses that I was too busy to chat, so now she is concerned about me. Can we plan a meet up in a couple of months time? How are my dc? It’s been a real ick for me and I no longer want to be even a casual friend.

I also have one sister who wants me to be more friendly with her - we are not close and there has been lots of tensions over the years. I would love a monthly catch up chat and the odd get-together, but she wants more. I keep saying no, and then she gets a bit huffy.

Sorry to ramble, but each time I have my new boundaries, it causes tension and then I feel awkward around that person. I guess it’s just a skill that takes a bit of practice.

Some people can't stand others having boundaries and have tantrums.

I also find some people mistake having healthy boundaries for being needlessly confrontation and a bit of an arse, and refuse to see why people take them at face value.

Healthy boundaries asserted and maintained in a respectful way are a great thing to have though.

@Turnipworkharder well said, that’s exactly what it is. It’s to try and make you revert back to complying with their narrative.
However OP and any others struggling, stick to your guns; they will push and push harder to start but they will get the hang of it eventually.
give them an inch and all that.
its not easy but definitely worth it.

Yes I have had this, male friend kept pushing me to reply to texts quicker and to send him photos of myself (not rude ones I hasten to add, he is just a bit snapchat obsessed!) I hate taking any sort of photos of myself so refused and am generally not a prolific user of my phone anyway. He said I was being "mean" and "unfair" and I simply replied that I wasn't being mean, I was just enforcing boundaries which he didn't like. We don't talk now.
Lots of people seem to think that their perceived right to have something from you, be it your time, expertise, effort etc, is somehow far more important than your right to have healthy boundaries and recognise when you aren't able or willing to do something.

My DSis is like this. She has tantrummed her whole life, gives the silent treatment and is becoming really hard work. She's lived with parents her whole life and ridden their coat tails. She loves to play the victim but given her age mid 50s I don't think she will change. Sad and infuriating in equal measures

@MoongazyHare

you are so right about peri / menopause suddenly changing the way we see things and what’s acceptable to us!

Ive not enjoyed the last few years of changes due to meno… but it’s certainly sharpened me up as regards to other people and their behaviour!

Yep- i have suddenly become less tolerant of being on the receving end of crap.

Years ago- about 15 years i had a 'friend' who would get very possessive and angry if I saw other people without her. So for example if I were asked out for coffee she would be furious that I did not also suggest she come- even if she did not know the person.

Mutual friends asked me and DH to go to theirs for dinner. Because she was not invited she had a huge tantrum- which included screaing in my face; sending me abusive messages via e-mail ; leaving abusive phone calls; sending me letters etc- absolutely crazy stuff. Note- she was not angry with any of the other people involved- DH or the people who actually did the inviting- just me. Since then she has also spread rumours about me in our very small town etc. She had form for this sort of behvaiour though- there were people who literally sold up and left after she did similar to them.

She was 70 at the time.

Yep just had my brother tantrum and pull the “nobody love me” bullshit because I told him that it wasn’t my responsibility to reach out to our father before he died. Apparently me not wanting to have anything to do with an abusive seedy porn loving nut job makes me overly moralistic. 🤣

Not sure what planet my brother lives in but it’s not Earth that’s for sure.

Oh well he’s blocked me now.

Shame. 🤷‍♀️

@Ktime Thankyou for your concern.

I probably should have said he is a soon to be ex husband.

I was a mug for a long time. He still doesn’t seem to understand why I wasn’t a happy little bunny being married to him.

Ha!

I had the exact same conversation with a family member. I replied 'You know what, I am totally OK with that' She looked horrified and stalked off to find my mother to 'have a word with'