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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've experienced reactions like this( tantrums basically from adults)when you have suddenly decided to have decent boundaries?

111 replies

malificent7 · 06/04/2023 08:57

When explaining to fiance's ex that she wasn't coming to our wedding ceremony, only the after party, she stopped talking to me for a good few months and is still off with me now.

When explaining to my friend that now my dd is a teen she choses her own friends nowadays rather than play with her dd ( who was mean to my dd). Apparently my dd is horrid...much stomping and bleating.

Why are people so entitled?

I think I have been a people pleaser forever and now, mid 40s I suddenly want boundaries and people do not like it at all.

Luckily my dd has superb boundaries as we can see above and I applaud her.

Any other examples please welcome!

OP posts:
Ktime · 06/04/2023 10:02

When explaining to fiance's ex that she wasn't coming to our wedding ceremony, only the after party, she stopped talking to me for a good few months and is still off with me now.

Why was the ex even invited?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 06/04/2023 10:07

As a lifelong people, pleaser, I do secretly admire people who are entitled and have tantrums when they don't get what they want.

Karatema · 06/04/2023 10:14

2023 has resulted in me putting my foot down, most of the time. I'm in my 60's. I'm fed up with people changing their mind when it suits them and expect everyone else (me) to go along with it. So I call them out now!

Springin · 06/04/2023 10:16

Yes! Was told I’ve changed in a disapproving tone and that I’m hard/hardened, by a family member.

Sicario · 06/04/2023 10:18

Selfish people with a high sense of self-entitlement HATE boundaries.

They will go to any lengths to break those boundaries to demonstrate that the rules do not apply to them. That they are entitled to do as they wish even if it upsets other people.

It comes straight out of the playbook of narcissist tendencies, but also applies to ignorant or self-centred people.

Their attitude is "how dare you disagree with my demands".

Saying NO to these people and exerting your boundaries gets easier with practice. Even better is to cut people like that out of your life completely, although I appreciate this is sometimes easier said than done.

BellaJuno · 06/04/2023 10:21

I’ve definitely started putting in more boundaries with people and it feels great. I read a quote that said something like “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm” and it really stuck with me, I no longer put myself out for people who wouldn’t do the same for me.

Greenpolkadot · 06/04/2023 10:32

I had a friend ..older than me..who stopped speaking to me for over 2 years because I couldn't meet her on the day of her choice because I had a driving lesson.

alloalloallo · 06/04/2023 10:33

My boss. She’s an absolute master at throwing proper door slamming, shouting tantrums. I’m always slightly stunned at witnessing them - I mean, she’s a grown adult.

My bosses cut my hours to part time as we were going through a bit of a quiet spell. Fine, however, I was super clear that if they cut my hours I’d have to get another job to make up the loss in earnings.

Constant huffing and puffing every time I go to “leave early” (because I have another job to go to) culminating this week, in a full on screaming, swearing, door slamming, stamping around tantrum because I was leaving (already 10 minutes late) because she wanted me to fuck around for an hour doing some pointless task that could wait until the morning and she’d micromanage to the nth degree and change anyway.

I told my other boss that if she ever behaved that way again I’d raise a grievance. She’s been sulking for the last 3 days.

SouthCountryGirl · 06/04/2023 10:33

Because we'd been on a date and I decided that I didn't want a relationship with him.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 06/04/2023 10:45

Ahahaha yes! In all cases it's because they threw tantrums as a child and got their own way, so we're very strict with our kids when they have tantrums and they never ever get their own way 🤣

billy1966 · 06/04/2023 10:50

The key thing to remember when you are a people pleaser with little boundaries is you are in effect waving a flag to all users.

They come straight for you and are hugely attracted to you, because of your potential use to them....that's all.

Less obvious friends slowly do the boiling frog analogy when they recognise that you are someone with little respect for themselves, will run around after others, be used etc.

It's simply too tempting. They can't help using you and being demanding.

These people are not friends, they don't respect you, and often they privately sneer at you, and how easily you are used.

That is the reason they disappear when you do enforce boundaries, they never really liked you in the first place and only stuck around because you served a purpose.

That is the reason that people pleasers shoot themselves in the foot.

Bending over backwards for people who could care less about them, probably sneer at them, and disappear the first time they are inconvenienced.

All in all people pleasers are huge wasters of their own time, ultimately spending years of their precious lives bent out of shape being used by people who don't even like them.

Really sad.

Peri menopause is often a wake up call and the penny drops for many.

Funny how often they admit to being happier for the first time in their lives.

dramalessllama · 06/04/2023 11:37

billy1966 · 06/04/2023 10:50

The key thing to remember when you are a people pleaser with little boundaries is you are in effect waving a flag to all users.

They come straight for you and are hugely attracted to you, because of your potential use to them....that's all.

Less obvious friends slowly do the boiling frog analogy when they recognise that you are someone with little respect for themselves, will run around after others, be used etc.

It's simply too tempting. They can't help using you and being demanding.

These people are not friends, they don't respect you, and often they privately sneer at you, and how easily you are used.

That is the reason they disappear when you do enforce boundaries, they never really liked you in the first place and only stuck around because you served a purpose.

That is the reason that people pleasers shoot themselves in the foot.

Bending over backwards for people who could care less about them, probably sneer at them, and disappear the first time they are inconvenienced.

All in all people pleasers are huge wasters of their own time, ultimately spending years of their precious lives bent out of shape being used by people who don't even like them.

Really sad.

Peri menopause is often a wake up call and the penny drops for many.

Funny how often they admit to being happier for the first time in their lives.

This is brilliant!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/04/2023 11:55

Why does someone always try to make excuses for people who are rude/selfish/entitled/CFs? (‘Oh, they might have MH ishoos, be having a bad day, etc.).
Often makes me think that people who post such stuff have themselves v likely been guilty of that sort of behaviour - hence the need to makes excuses for it.

DPMismyfavouritecolour · 06/04/2023 11:56

Had this with a so called friend (now ex-friend), but she doesn't really have friends, she has pets who hang around for her crumbs, it's never on an equal footing. Ended up in the same residents' group and neighbours, long story, but anyway, a meeting was called for every flat occupier to discuss various things. I refused to attend as one of the other residents was an utter arse and we'd fallen out completely by that point. When I said no, I'm not going, she sat there whining, 'but you HAVE TO!!' so I just kept repeating no and ignored her meltdown. If you're reading this, G, I have a screen shot of that time you tracked me down on social media to swear at me because you didn't like my withdrawing from a conversation. You need therapy.

forrestgreen · 06/04/2023 12:00

When a relative didn't speak to me for weeks because I wouldn't let her smoke in my garden - weeks!
Apparently I'd been disrespectful, nope I was just very clear!

Jonei · 06/04/2023 12:01

I guess people just don't like change. They'll get used to it though. Or not.

Jonei · 06/04/2023 12:03

forrestgreen · 06/04/2023 12:00

When a relative didn't speak to me for weeks because I wouldn't let her smoke in my garden - weeks!
Apparently I'd been disrespectful, nope I was just very clear!

Why wouldn't you let them smoke in your garden? As long as the mess is cleared away I can't see that it would matter outside?

hopeishere · 06/04/2023 12:04

BIL is a massive tantrum thrower if he doesn't get his own way / is called out over his behaviour.

Echobelly · 06/04/2023 12:08

A few years agoMIL demanded that I invite BIL's family (4 people) to dinner that night (when I was in the office at the time) when she found they weren't invited, or else they wouldn't come.

Told her probably best that they didn't come. She was upset as she thought BIL would be offended not to be invited (he wouldn't be). You know what, if she'd asked nicely and not taken offence on someone else's behalf, I might have found a way to accommodate. But a bad-tempered dinner that had happened under duress what not have been fun for anyone.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 06/04/2023 12:10

Waterlooville · 06/04/2023 09:05

With both of the examples you gave it sounds like the people involved were coming to terms with life changing stages (becoming an ex, children growing up) rather than being stroppy about a particular event. You could try being a bit more empathetic. You shouldn't have done anything different in either scenario but you could try thinking more about why they might behave disproportionately.

Nope.

Theunamedcat · 06/04/2023 12:18

Yup watching it play out in real time right now withy ex and our eldest he ignored and emotionally manipulated him for years I warned ex prioritise your kids or they won't prioritise you first to go was ds2 fine he has sen that's his excuse for why he won't see him but ds1 has increasingly put himself first this year and the messages back have gone from ok sweetheart see you next time to "ok" that's it now normally withdrawal of affection is a trigger that sends ds running in a panic this time he is like....meh

LakeTiticaca · 06/04/2023 12:26

Why has your fiancé's ex been invited to your wedding party?

Newpuppymummy · 06/04/2023 12:31

I had a friend who lives 250 miles away. She invited us to a summer party that she was having. We travel down and stayed over the night before. On the morning of the party my daughter had a rash which friend decided to diagnose as chickenpox. She had already had chickenpox. I took her to the chemist who said it was allergic reaction from playing on grass the day before which made sense. Friend says we aren’t allowed at the party but can be in the upstairs bedroom. Her reason was that even though we knew it wasn’t chickenpox her guests might think it was and leave. We left and not spoken to her since.

saraclara · 06/04/2023 12:43

I think it depends how you express your boundaries. I had a friend who sent me an email in the middle of the night, angrily expressing her boundary (that I had no idea was an issue) in such an abrupt and unpleasant way, that I was absolutely distraught. Without going into any details, she'd never once expressed, even subtly, that anything was wrong.

I didn't throw a tantrum, in fact I apologised (even though I couldn't see what I was apologising for) but she still ceased contact with me and though it's years later, it still hurts.

So yes, if you're going to express a boundary, don't wait until you're infuriated and express it bluntly or in a way that could be hurtful.
If you do it in the early days, calmly and pleasantly, it's fine.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 06/04/2023 12:48

DW has (finally) realised that she doesn't have to bend herself in half to appease her DM anymore.

has started wearing what she wants, seeing who she wants, parenting our DC how she wants, having fun for herself occasionally.

the spite and venom that this has brought forth is pretty disgusting, coming from an 80+ year old self-proclaimed "Christian".