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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To my husband

148 replies

Rosebel · 05/04/2023 23:11

I rather suspect I am actually. So this week I've been on holiday, first one this year. I was really looking forward to it.
Monday morning DH is moaning how ill he is and that he probably has Covid. Didn't go to work and asked me to buy a Covid testing kit. I did, even though I don't see the point of testing anymore and it's negative. Twice. So just a cold.
If it was me I'd go in to work on Tuesday but he didn't and has stayed at home, moaning how ill he is.
However that's not why I'm annoyed. DS has been at home but he's going to nursery tomorrow as they're having an Easter treat day. DH said he'd take him in and pick him up. But tonight he started drinking (so obviously not that I'll). I reminded him about driving tomorrow. DH said I can't take him in. I'm ill.
I said It's a cold
DH I still feel shit and I can't take him incase someone from work sees me.
Now given I'm supposed to be on holiday I was really hoping to have a couple of drinks tonight and a lie in tomorrow but obviously l can't do either now.
Okay DH isn't well but it's only a cold. I just carry on with a cold.
Surely he could drop off DS tomorrow? Too late now he's been drinking but should ILTB (lighthearted, sort of).
YABU he's ill leave him to his dressing gown of doom
YANBU it's a cold. He needs to get over it

OP posts:
VivaLesTartes · 06/04/2023 09:13

Nope, I still can't get my head around reaching for a beer when I have a cold. That's actually made me feel a bit queasy.

Inertia · 06/04/2023 09:17

I think the most unreasonable thing is that your husband is off work with a cold when he’s on a warning - if he can cope with 4 pints he can’t be that ill. We’re expected to go in to work even if we have covid.

I think you’re unnecessarily cautious about not driving after 2 drinks the night before, unless you have an exceptionally extreme reaction to alcohol. 2 units after dinner would be out of your system by midnight.

You have a day to yourself now- make the most of it, see if friends are free, go out and enjoy it.

noidea69 · 06/04/2023 09:22

If you have 4 pints you can drive the next day.

PriOn1 · 06/04/2023 09:23

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 09:11

OP just drop little one off and go back to bed. That's what I'd do.

Except there’s probably a sniveling man in the bed.

raincamepouringdown · 06/04/2023 09:24

Your 'unwell' DH had 4 pints last night but couldn't possibly take his child to nursery because he's 'ill'?

You have bigger problems than the nursery run.

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 09:28

Why can’t he drive the next day after 4 pints rhe night before? When does he stop drinking, and not driving after two malib and cokes the night before? I get caution but this is illogical

ConstanceOcean · 06/04/2023 09:29

Sierra26 · 06/04/2023 08:56

He’s worried someone from work might see him? What a crap excuse - life goes on even when ill. Work would never challenge him on that.

Do you work?

You’d absolutely be called up if you were seen out and about when you’re off sick.

I was called up for being seen in the doctors carpark - erm yes because I was getting antibiotics 🤨

Have you not seen the numerous threads on here about being spotted or spotting someone else out whilst they’re off sick.

raincamepouringdown · 06/04/2023 09:33

Rosebel · 06/04/2023 07:26

I don't blame him for that. I am annoyed because he said he would take DS to nursery and has now backtracked on that
I'm also a bit worried about his job as he did have a warning about time off a couple of months ago. Tbh I'm sure most bosses, mine included, would expect you to go to work if it was just a cold.
Probably a bit of a drip feed but it's not actually relevant to last night. I'm just venting a bit.

I'd be very concerned about his job, tbh. And his drinking. Well enough to drink quite heavily but not well enough to go to work? Or take his own child to nursery as planned?

Yes, most bosses expect employees to come in with a cold. Schools included, and they expect the students to come in, too.

I and most people I know have delivered their own DCs to/from school while ill, including with Covid ... easy enough to wear a mask in the car, open a window, drop them off and pick them up. It's rather expected these days. I've delivered numerous children to parents in waiting cars when they were 'contagious' so not coming to school doors.

Your DH sounds like he resents you being 'on holiday' so is determined to mess with it, tbh. Although, tbf, if you're 'on holiday' at home while he's still working and you share a child, personally, I think you should be doing a bit more at your end and with your child. I know I am this week, as my DH is working as normal and I'm on Easter 'break'. With 3 teenagers in the house, spending time with them (and making sure they're studying) is still my job/priority.

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 09:33

Op if you removed the weird rule about not driving the next day would there be more chance of him doing the run? Is there part of this which is he just fancied a few drinks?

honestly the rule is an issue. It’s like saying I can’t cut my toe nails for an hour after peeing. There is no logic behind it

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 09:35

Well enough to drink quite heavily but not well enough to go to work

A occasional four pints is not what most people consider heavy drinking.

billy1966 · 06/04/2023 09:36

That's some waster you are with.

Already has a warning for missing work? yet off a week for a cold?

Well enough to be drinking?

Don't be dragged down by him OP.

He sounds like a loser.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 06/04/2023 09:39

Burnamer · 06/04/2023 00:24

You child has a treat day in nursery and neither of you can be arsed to take them as you both want to get pissed?
sort your priorities out - you are as bad as each other.

Pretty much

Squamata · 06/04/2023 09:44

noidea69 · 06/04/2023 09:22

If you have 4 pints you can drive the next day.

@noidea69 not necessarily - it's variable but the working assumption is 1 hour to process one unit

beer is 2-3 units a pint

4 pints is up to 12 units - if nursery leaving time is say 8am he'd need to stop drinking at 8pm the night before to process it at that rate

Not to mention, drinking makes you sleep less well, being sick (supposedly) can make it harder to concentrate on the road - all adds up to extra risk

You don't have to actually drive badly to get caught over the limit the next morning, if someone runs in the back of you, the police are likely to breathalyse all drivers.

It's really easy to be over the limit the next morning and it can have terrible consequences (lose licence, unaffordable insurance, trouble with employer etc)

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/alcohol-and-the-law/can-i-drive-the-morning-after-drinking-alcohol

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/alcohol-and-the-law/can-i-drive-the-morning-after-drinking-alcohol

Squamata · 06/04/2023 09:45

But OP if he's drinking four pints, he's not ill. He's just a layabout

FoolsOld · 06/04/2023 09:45

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time! You're on holiday. You wanted to relax in the evening safe in the knowledge you don't have to get up in the morning. There's a certain amount of freedom that comes with that feeling. It's not about getting pissed or not being arsed to take your child to nursery. It's about being given the chance to relax during the time you have booked off from work.

MadKittenWoman · 06/04/2023 09:47

DrMarciaFieldstone · 06/04/2023 07:24

Yeah that’s a massive overreaction

Show quote history

This. You’re being ridiculous.

Squamata · 06/04/2023 09:47

weddingdaydancet · 06/04/2023 09:28

Why can’t he drive the next day after 4 pints rhe night before? When does he stop drinking, and not driving after two malib and cokes the night before? I get caution but this is illogical

@weddingdaydancet 4 pints can definitely put you over the limit the morning after

If you're a driver and you drink as well, you need to learn more about what could put you over the limit

Feeling just about ok is not the same as being below the legal limit

rainbowstardrops · 06/04/2023 09:53

TearsforBeers · 06/04/2023 07:56

I completely understand where you are coming from. People have picked up on you saying you wanted a couple of drinks and have completely missed the point.

You're on holiday and was looking forward switching off and having a lie in, now you can't.

I'd be frustrated too.

Absolutely this!

Also, if he's already had a warning at work re his attendance then I presume he often skives off.

Also, what sort of job does he do that he can't go to with a cold? My 18 year old volunteers at an animal attraction near us for her college course and she's been really poorly with a stinking cold and could have stayed at home because she's completed the necessary hours but still goes each week and even she still went in!!!

monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 10:05

Surprised so many people scoff at the idea you're over the limit the morning after four pints. Based on a 4% pint, you shouldn't drive for around 10.5 hours or you'll be over the limit.

I know everyone's body is different but people are acting as if it's beyond the realms of possibility that someone would be over the limit the morning after four pints. It's really not.

If people drink four pints, stopping at say 11pm, then many of them won't be able to do the school / nursery run without being over the limit.

monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 10:05

monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 10:05

Surprised so many people scoff at the idea you're over the limit the morning after four pints. Based on a 4% pint, you shouldn't drive for around 10.5 hours or you'll be over the limit.

I know everyone's body is different but people are acting as if it's beyond the realms of possibility that someone would be over the limit the morning after four pints. It's really not.

If people drink four pints, stopping at say 11pm, then many of them won't be able to do the school / nursery run without being over the limit.

morning-after.org.uk/drink-drive-calculator/

ConstanceOcean · 06/04/2023 10:11

The double standards on here are shocking.

If OP was the one off sick and her DH started a thread saying how annoyed he was because it was his day off and he wanted a lie in and how she obviously isn’t that ill else she wouldn’t be drinking etc he would get his arse handed to him.

Posters would definitely not be calling his wife a a loser, a waster, an alcoholic, a faker, a skiver and whatever other insults posters have used.

OP isn’t the problem it’s some of the replies that are just awful.

I always wonder why OPs say the sex because the majority of MNers are bound to side with the woman regardless.

If this was a reverse and it was OP who was poorly whilst her DH was on annual leave then I wonder how many posters would still think she’s all of the above things.

Squamata · 06/04/2023 10:13

monsteramunch · 06/04/2023 10:05

Surprised so many people scoff at the idea you're over the limit the morning after four pints. Based on a 4% pint, you shouldn't drive for around 10.5 hours or you'll be over the limit.

I know everyone's body is different but people are acting as if it's beyond the realms of possibility that someone would be over the limit the morning after four pints. It's really not.

If people drink four pints, stopping at say 11pm, then many of them won't be able to do the school / nursery run without being over the limit.

@monsteramunch It's shocking, isn't it? I bet many of them would be the ones saying how digusting drink drivers are but do it themselves regularly

SquidwardBound · 06/04/2023 10:22

ConstanceOcean · 06/04/2023 10:11

The double standards on here are shocking.

If OP was the one off sick and her DH started a thread saying how annoyed he was because it was his day off and he wanted a lie in and how she obviously isn’t that ill else she wouldn’t be drinking etc he would get his arse handed to him.

Posters would definitely not be calling his wife a a loser, a waster, an alcoholic, a faker, a skiver and whatever other insults posters have used.

OP isn’t the problem it’s some of the replies that are just awful.

I always wonder why OPs say the sex because the majority of MNers are bound to side with the woman regardless.

If this was a reverse and it was OP who was poorly whilst her DH was on annual leave then I wonder how many posters would still think she’s all of the above things.

it is depressing how often the ‘double standards’ argument is trotted out in defence of the poor menz. All these nasty women who just aren’t sympathetic enough to how unwell a man is - even though he’s totally fine to drink 4+ pints.

The thing about gender roles in our patriarchal society is that, actually, most women do just struggle through when they’re unwell.

If a woman behaved in the way this man has - she would also be told she’s a skiving nightmare and she needs to sort out her attendance with work and examine her attitude to both alcohol and contributing to family life. In fact, the main difference would be that no one would be trying to defend her and insist that she’s a poor wee sick lamb who needs to be looked after.

But, because it’s a man, there are plenty of people looking to defend him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 06/04/2023 10:49

unsync · 06/04/2023 08:03

Too dark?? 🤔 I've often wondered whether others don't get my humour.

Gave me a laugh, but then my stbxh is planning all sorts of outings this weekend, and will be gaming half the night while I'm in bed sick with a nasty bout of covid and he's apparently too tied to feed our DC as well as himself.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/04/2023 10:54

I don't understand how being ill means that DH can't take DC to nursery. And if he's well enough to drink, he's not that ill at all, is he? He can do a nursery trip even if he is ill, it's not a marathon, is it?
So YANBU.