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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

314 replies

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 16:06

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

OP posts:
ConstanceOcean · 05/04/2023 18:42

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 18:00

They aren't super close though he is close to his siblings who seem supportive. He will visit her on mother's day and her birthday and call to check in but from what I've overheard they have a very polite relationship - the way I might speak to a great aunt or something. She's never met me so I'm not taking the rejection personally!

I wonder if you’re being a bit blasé (not sure if that’s the word I’m looking for) about his culture and him shunning it for you.

Some people will not go against their family members wishes as it has been ingrained in them over years of culture.

He may not be close to his mum but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the guilt for going against what is normally done.
Its not just his mum he’d be basically turning his back on it would be all of his family and the entire culture.

I know of a couple who were absolutely perfect for each other and had been together since school and I think rarely even argued. They were practically soul mates.
But their families didn’t approve of their relationship and they decided to end things which was so sad.

He is absolutely not 100% into this relationship but that may be because of his guilt over his mum/culture or because of you.
I’d bet that it’s the mum/culture and I don’t know if you’ll ever come before that.

WhiteChocMocha · 05/04/2023 18:42

@spinandspaghetti I am going to go against the grain here. I've been your partner and said those types of things.

First of all I was hiding debt. It took me a while to be up front about it and when it came to discussing deposits etc, I ducked out and said it's better if they go it alone. It would have made me even more uncomfortable if their parents would have contributed. Being a minority owner would have made me feel like I am living in my partner's house, I am their dependant, and not really my own person. I suspect for a man it's even harder to accept.

Secondly I have had financial blunders in the past and am not amazing with money (though not disastrous either). I like to splash out sometimes. I want to have the freedom to take risks and only let myself down if anything goes south. I am uncomfortable having the person that I love depend on me, and have our credit scores tied etc. Having financial responsibility like that towards my partner scares me. That's a me-issue, but mostly comes from a place of love. He was the high earner with the perfect credit score and I did not want any risks I took to affect him, but I also wanted him to get what he wanted (home ownership) and helped him along the way.

Equally i wanted to have the freedom to work elsewhere in the world, up sticks quite easily, be career-driven, and tied to a location and mortgage never really appealed to me, it was too 'tied down' for my personality and the age I was at.

He may be hiding something about his financial situation, but mostly, he has told you where he stands. You will get what you want. He probably thinks some of the things he would say if you chatted about it more would make you feel uncomfortable and you'd take them the wrong way, e.g. possibly a need for freedom, flexibility.

What I will do in the future when I, too, have the perfect credit score, and savings, is suggest to buy into my partner's home, taking advantage of some first time buyer benefits, and hopefully make him near mortgage free at that point. But it has to be on my own terms.

While what he says is not what you want to hear, he has told you what he thinks.

If your bloke is early 30s, he may not be quite ready to settle yet. He may need a few more years of hard work, taking chances and living life outside the relationship before he is. You can't force or influence someone to committ to something as big as a house, a kid, or even a dog, if they are not fully on board. It'll only end in tears if they go along. They need to want it as much as you from the inside, not be influenced from the outside.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 05/04/2023 18:42

Rainbowshit · 05/04/2023 16:09

He's just not that into you. Sorry

This. Sorry OP. At least you're finding out now. Find someone who wants to commit to you.

billy1966 · 05/04/2023 18:42

OP,

You are absolutely im denial and completely wasting your time.

He wants to rent so he has absolutely no shared finances or assets with you.

He can pick up and leave.

That you have remained with someone whose mother will not so much as meet you, and now this means you are his "good enough for now" person.

You are not getting married and you are not having children with him.

Not happening.

What you are doing is wasting your time.

Your gut is screaming at you trying to protect you.

Listen to it before you end up drifting on and wasting even more years.

He is protecting his independence above all else.

I'm so sorry.

KittyAlfred · 05/04/2023 18:43

The fact that you're early 30s and he wants kids "in a few years" rings alarm bells for me. By then you'll be late 30s with diminishing fertility.
OP I'm sorry but I'm certain he doesn't see his future with you. If his family are so opposed to what you represent that you haven't even met them after 5 years, then he can't be planning on marrying you and making his future with you. And he's stalling on mortgage and kids, because he knows he's not in it for the long term.

TheWernethWife · 05/04/2023 18:43

My DP used to work with a woman who had an indian boyfriend. They were together for years until he told her that his parents had arranged a marriage for him. She was devastated as she felt that she had wasted her childbearing years waiting for him.

There was no arranged marriage!!!!

Energydrink · 05/04/2023 18:44

He is shying away from long term commitment. Throw him in the bin

palelavender · 05/04/2023 18:45

Buy a place yourself. Don't have him as a lodger - I mean it will be very easy and cosy for him if you do. There will be somebody to split bills with, probably pretty cheap board, you doing cooking and housework and with sex thrown in. The thing I've found is that when you have some unsuitable chap hanging round, it is difficult to find somebody else. I think of it as sort of nature abhorring a vacuum and striving to fill it - hopefully with a nicer man. You need to create that vacuum by getting rid of him very smartly.

As a doctor he must know that you don't have an unlimited time to have children. But after 5 years he's making vague sounds about children in a few years time. In a few years time, he'll have some other reason to postpone things.

I don't know why on Mumsnet there is so much mumbo jumbo about having to go out with somebody for simply years before getting married. I think in your late twenties or early thirties, it's okay to expect things to move a bit quicker. I think a year is a fair time to decided whether to get married or not. You don't have 5 years to devote to somebody else who turns out not to be a possible. I became quite ruthless when I was husband hunting - awful habits, existing children, and so on - and out they went from the possibles. I went on lots of dates and, you know, it wasn't that much fun. But I found a wonderful man who while he didn't really want children told me that he would rather have me and children than no me and no children. We have two sons and he has been a great dad. We've been married for 30 years and I still look forward to him coming home.

I know this must be heart-breaking but he doesn't have your best interests at heart so you must take care of yourself.

GordonsAFGirl · 05/04/2023 18:45

Oh OP this is not good. If he hasn't married you by now he isn't going to.
I am white and my DH is black. There is doubt on both sides with mixed heritage marriages but I don't see a good Christian woman wanting to insult you. I think he has made that up.
For what it is worth I was engaged by three months, married within the year and we celebrate our 35 year anniversary later this year. We had children after 11 years.
Buy your house, do not let him move in otherwise you will be legally in hot water.
You are in your 30s, have a good job and are buying a house.
Personally I recommend the 'Hello Kitty' School of interior design. My friend did this with her divorce house to avoid the fortune hunters. Nearly totally pink, fluffy, lots of girly bits and no cock lodger ever tried to move in. If you meet someone new you can pool resources, otherwise they can keep their hairy backsides to theirselves. Good luck. You are worth more.

FinallyHere · 05/04/2023 18:49

She's never met me so I'm not taking the rejection personally!

Is it possible that you only have his word that she will never accept you?

What evidence do you have that she even knows you exist as a real person? Could it be that he just 'knows what she would say' about you as a long term partner or wife ?

I'm so sorry, I know it's tough to accept but he is not the right one for you. Buy your flat, start a new chapter and don't let him move in.

Build a good life for yourself without him. Tell your friends you are ready to settle down and ask your friends to introduce you to their friends.

All the very best.

suburbophobe · 05/04/2023 18:53

Buy your own place OP. You then will always have a roof over your head.

Take up your parents' offer of helping you.

DO NOT EVER put a man/boyfriend on the mortgage.

He could run off with your best friend tomorrow.

Dramatic? Maybe. But I've known it to happen.

I thought we were enlightened now about ourselves after 60-odd years of emancipation for women. Sadly not.

People still living in the fairy story of "and they lived happily ever after".

ConstanceOcean · 05/04/2023 18:56

KittyAlfred · 05/04/2023 18:43

The fact that you're early 30s and he wants kids "in a few years" rings alarm bells for me. By then you'll be late 30s with diminishing fertility.
OP I'm sorry but I'm certain he doesn't see his future with you. If his family are so opposed to what you represent that you haven't even met them after 5 years, then he can't be planning on marrying you and making his future with you. And he's stalling on mortgage and kids, because he knows he's not in it for the long term.

I agree.

If they were early 20s I’d be 100% on his side but it’s very obvious that he big doubts about this relationship.

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 18:56

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Yeah this relationship is fine for him for now OP but he doesn’t see you long term. Five years and no commitment means he doesn’t want to commit. Buy the flat yourself and ask him to enjoy the flexibility of renting on his own elsewhere. Enjoy your new home

NumberTheory · 05/04/2023 18:57

He says he wants to buy and have kids in the future, but you want that now. Even if his reasons are the financial ones he states, you two aren’t on the same page about finances and that is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage - especially a marriage with kids.

His reluctance to push things with his family after years together and despite saying he wants a family with you, is a huge red flag waving right in your face. I agree with others that the chances of him marrying you and agreeing to have children are not particularly high.

If children are important to you, you should start looking for someone who is interested in having them closer to your timetable, not just stringing you along. If you think you can be happy without children then it’s worth sticking around. He might grow a bit as he feels the limitations of his current stance. But he might not. It’s not a given, but it’s not uncommon in this sort of situation for the guy to leave in a decade, when you’re past your reproductive prime, for a younger woman his mum approves of.

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 19:00

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 18:00

They aren't super close though he is close to his siblings who seem supportive. He will visit her on mother's day and her birthday and call to check in but from what I've overheard they have a very polite relationship - the way I might speak to a great aunt or something. She's never met me so I'm not taking the rejection personally!

You haven’t met his mother in five years? You should take it personally. He does not see a future with you sorry. Btw in other cultures children can tend to speak more respectfully to their elders, that doesn’t mean it’s not in itself a loving relationship. It’s irrelevant for you though as this man is simply not serious about you.

bumpytrumpy · 05/04/2023 19:02

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 18:00

They aren't super close though he is close to his siblings who seem supportive. He will visit her on mother's day and her birthday and call to check in but from what I've overheard they have a very polite relationship - the way I might speak to a great aunt or something. She's never met me so I'm not taking the rejection personally!

Agree with everyone else.

You're miss "alright for now" when it's casual and easy and he can keep you out of the way of his mum

He's not willing to cross into marriage, babies etc because he knows he needs a mum-suitable woman for that. Once he finds her you'll be gone.

Don't waste your time on him

Misskg1982 · 05/04/2023 19:08

It does sound like his keeping his options open as if this doesnt work he has no financial ties so can just walk away. I would give him a time frame, your time frame. On when you are expecting things to happen/progress etc in your relationship and if he cant commit then you really need to leave. As i agree if you want a family etc you arent getting any younger and you dont want to waste years with someone who clearly, right now, isnt thinking about you.

BignBootiful · 05/04/2023 19:08

JuneOsborne · 05/04/2023 16:09

What should you do? Bin him off! He's stringing you along. You'll be menopausal before you know it and your chances of having a baby will be gone.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I've watched similar happen to a couple of friends, men dragging their feet for so long that the opportunity has passed them by. And then he usually leaves, gets a younger gf and she pregnant within the year. Don't let that be your story!

This!!!!! seen it so many times.

Lollypop701 · 05/04/2023 19:08

if he isn’t ready after 5 years you aren’t the one …and you deserve to be the one!

he may be lovely… if he was awful you would have dumped him, but I think he’s being just lovely enough to keep you on side. Imo he will probably meet a mum sanctioned partner and be getting married within 12 months of splitting up from you- whether that’s you doing it now or him in 5 years time.

You can of course try an ultimatum…at very least you want meet his mum, sort a wedding date (even if that’s 2 years) etc and see where that takes you. You will certainly find out if he will stand up to his mum!

Pipsquiggle · 05/04/2023 19:10

He's a Dr!

Some men really need the fertility chat, they don't realise it drops off a cliff mid 30s - my DH didn't have a clue. Your DP has no excuse.

When I was early 30s I said we either needed to start for DC or split up - he proposed 3 weeks later. Married a year later. 1st DC a year after that. I was 35.

If you want children you really, really need to have a serious chat ASAP.

TBH he sounds like he is stringing you along.

Grimbelina · 05/04/2023 19:10

Sadly it doesn't sound like he will ever marry you, or want children with you. He may well finish with you at some point (when you have missed having children) for a younger woman who is acceptable to his family. You have a couple of years to meet someone else, don't waste any more time.

TheInterceptor · 05/04/2023 19:10

After five years he doesn't want to marry you, buy a house with you or have children with you. There's your answer, OP. Break up, buy yourself a flat and be open to meeting someone who wants those things with you.

Mojoj · 05/04/2023 19:10

Sounds like he's keeping his options open. Make it easy for him - buy your own place and tell him to do one.

GirlOfTudor · 05/04/2023 19:11

That's a red flag I'm afraid. Go ahead and buy it on your own because once you part ways there'll be less admin and less worries for the property ☹️

momtoboys · 05/04/2023 19:11

I think that ultimately you will be grateful that only your name is on the house.