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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner 5 years won't buy a house with me but says I should buy on my own...

314 replies

spinandspaghetti · 05/04/2023 16:06

This is the first time I've posted but this is a question that is really starting to affect me and I'd love some perspective on whether I'm being overly sensitive/unreasonable or if something really is up here...

Sorry in advance for the long post!

We are in a very fortunate position in that we are now in a financial position to buy a flat. My parents can loan us some money, I have savings for a deposit and we both work full time so we can get the mortgage we need for a half decent place. I am keen to buy somewhere together for both financial and emotional reasons. We are both in our early 30s and I am fed up after 10 years of expensive and insecure renting. Our mortgage repayments would be less than our current rent and of course we’d be contributing towards something tangible. I would also love to choose our own place together, decorate and build a home as partners - somewhere we could start a family. I don’t feel particularly settled in London whereas he grew up here and I think having a place of our own would really help me to feel more secure and grounded.

He on the other hand doesn’t want to buy a place. He’s happy renting and keeping our finances separate. He says he would prefer to save up some more and get a better place a few years down the line. He thinks buying is risky and likes the flexibility of renting. These reasons don’t really make sense to me - we aren't after flexibility, we’re not looking to move around as we both have career commitments here that will last minimum 3 years and even if house prices drop, we'll have saved by not renting? I’m also not getting any younger and would like to start a family in the not too distant future. His response to this is always just, “I’ve made my position clear” which is really frustrating...

I wonder whether the real reason is he’s worried about long-term commitment with me or doesn’t like the idea of taking my parent’s money. He assures me these aren’t the reasons and has encouraged me to buy on my own because he can see how much I’m beginning to resent renting. We have now found ourselves in a weird position where I am buying a place (with a smaller budget) on my own and he will be renting from me. I understand how we’ve got here because it seems to be a compromise - he’s still renting, I’m still buying - but I just feel really confused, alone and sad about the whole thing. He would rather rent from me and have no stake in the flat than buy as partners? He also says he wants to get married but wants to make sure we’ve done everything we can to “reduce the risk” first as he’s concerned with the statistics around divorce being among the most stressful life events. He never brings that conversation up though and I’ve stopped asking what ‘reduce the risk’ actually looks like.

What should I do? Do I let this all go and try to be happy with the compromise we’ve taken or is this a sign of bigger problems to come?

OP posts:
vegansausageroll3 · 05/04/2023 17:03

My DP has proposed to me after 2.5 years together and we’re not yet 25. My parents got engaged after a couple of months of knowing each other and have been married over 35 years now. If they are serious they will make that very very clear! I’m so sorry OP. I’d be really weary of what he has said to you and question his long term intentions

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/04/2023 17:05

Tell him you are coming off birth control and watch his reaction.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/04/2023 17:05

Sorry that probably wasn't the best thing to say. I was half joking.

Aprilx · 05/04/2023 17:06

Without reading any other responses, I would say he just isn’t serious about you. He doesn’t want to link himself to you in any meaningful way. You are wasting your time here.

Ihadenough22 · 05/04/2023 17:07

In your position I would get any financial help that your parents can give you to buy your flat.
I would buy a 2 bed place and rent out the 2nd bedroom.

To be honest I think that your so called partner wants to have you their to make his life comfortable for now but wants to keep his options open. Your both in your early 30's.
Your a couple for 5 years and are at the age when people trying to buy property, get married and have kid's.
How many more years do you wait for him to grow up?

The fact that he does not want to buy a flat with you says a lot but he wants to rent off you.
I am sure he thinks that you will charge him less that the rent of the area so he can build up his savings. Also if you rent to him he may end up a legal right to the share of your property.

In your case I would tell him that you have realised now that since he was not willing to buy a flat with you it shows he does not want to get married or have a family with you either.

You have decided that you won't be having him as a renter or boyfriend. Tell him it time for him to move out and rent his own place.

Don't let him move into your new flat and possibly have a legal claim on it at a later date.
Also in your early 30's you don't want to waste your fertility when you wait for him to grow up.

Bin85 · 05/04/2023 17:07

Ultimatum time if you really think he's the one but you must be prepared to split if you don't get the answers you want.

toddlermumx · 05/04/2023 17:08

I agree that after 4-5 years he should be wanting some sort of long term commitment by now.

Sunset6 · 05/04/2023 17:11

Talia99 · 05/04/2023 16:51

I actually agree with him that buying with an unmarried partner is a bad idea but the obvious answer is to get married. If his ‘obvious answer’ is to require you to make the financial commitment while he acts as your lodger, I think that says everything you need to know.

If you want a family, you are currently early 30s. If the two of you broke up today, you are looking at a minimum of 2 to 3 years to find another man to have children with. Your biological clock is ticking. I think it’s time to make some hard choices.

Agree with this - get the question of marriage sorted and then it will be obvious what to do with the house buying. Five years is enough time to decide if you want to marry/commit to someone. Perhaps it’s crunch time for your relationship. Don’t let things drift in a direction you are unhappy with. Good luck

TheMilkWhisperer · 05/04/2023 17:11

It’s rare that as a male lurker that I would say bin off but … bin off! He probably sincerely believes he wants the best for you. But he still wants to keep his options open. Ridiculous. These decisions are too big for you to give him benefit of the doubt.

sandyhappypeople · 05/04/2023 17:13

I’m thinking debt personally, before lack of commitment, one thing that is extremely looked into when applying for mortgages is you credit history and current financial position and the criteria is stricter than ever. It is the sort of thing that people tend to try and hide, make excuses and bury their head in the sand etc.

the lack of communication about all this would be a deal breaker for me though, you’re supposed to be partners in life, 100% honesty and transparency, he doesn’t seem to be on the same page as you unfortunately, for whatever reason.

the ONLY thing you need to consider in these circumstances though is can you afford the mortgage/bills on your own if you do split up after moving in somewhere that you’ve bought, or if he backs out somewhere along the way? If the answer is yes, then go for it! Get on the property ladder while you can!!

I can’t say this loud enough though DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON ANYTHING, don’t let him guilt you (if he tries), and I’d let him ‘rent’ from you unofficially, otherwise he could potentially have a claim in the future, especially if he does have any sort of financial problems, don’t be afraid to keep him at arms length financially.

good luck OP, you’re doing the right thing, I hope it all works out for you.

H34th · 05/04/2023 17:13

I don't disagree with what's already been said but just to put another perspective on things-

I think there are some valid reasons not to buy but to rent and many young people prefer that atm. It's a different mindset. I wouldn't automatically conclude he's not into you/ not committed long term. I also think it's good he's trying to respect your wishes on this and come up with compromises, rather than just try to change your mind about it.

Honestly, many get a man who is ready to commit - marriage, house, kids and all - but he's not that good of a partner in reality.

Keep talking and make sure you're very clear about wanting children by a certain time, etc.
You two sound different but that doesn't always mean incompatible.

mumof1or2 · 05/04/2023 17:15

When I read your post it immediately sounded to me as if he's not being honest about his finances. Do you think he has debt he hasn't admitted to? Or a poor credit score which means he wouldn't get a mortgage? I think it's more likely to be financial dishonesty than anything else.

WonderingWanda · 05/04/2023 17:15

If he's not ready to commit now he never will be op. By the age of 30 and 5 years into a relationship you should know if it has longevity.

Imnotachap · 05/04/2023 17:20

If you want children, go and find a lovely person who wants to have them with you. Please don't find yourself in the same position you are in now in five years, at which point he goes off and has babies with a younger woman.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/04/2023 17:22

The house issue wouldn't be a big issue to me because, like you said, you've found a compromise. Some people never want to buy property, some people never want to rent.... either is fine.

However, the other issues would be bigger to me. Not wanting to make firmer plans for the future after five years together could be a problem if you want children in the future.

PippaF2 · 05/04/2023 17:23

He has debt - bankruptcy or an IVA or some sort of really bad credit lurking in his background.

If he goes for a mortgage it's going to get exposed.

Either that or he's doing something weird relating to his banking, however, if that was the case - he'd just keep his bank account 'clean' for 6 months and use credit cards. So doesn't entirely account for it.

My vote is bad credit or huge debt that he's hiding.

He could be romantically keeping his options open but you can only be the judge of that. It's the same for marriage though and tied financial accounts - if there's something there - he might not want to lumbar you with it.

I'm not actually suggesting you do this but the only way to know for sure is to grab his bank card and pull a credit report from checkmyfile.

Best thing - ask him to do it with you there and see what his reaction is.....if he bolts, refuses to pull the report - there's your answer.

Avarua2 · 05/04/2023 17:24

He's making excuses. Truth is, he doesn't want to marry you or commit to anything with you. Time to split. After five years, he know s what he wants. He isn't being honest with you.

pensionconfusion · 05/04/2023 17:24

He is not committing to you in any way.

Buy the property yourself and then find someone who wants children.

Good luck 💐

AspiringMermaid · 05/04/2023 17:26

Would he agree to couples counselling? Sounds like there needs to be some deeper conversations about life and expectations. A neural third person can really help direct the conversation constructively... and try to get a bloody answer to your questions.

I agree with the other comments I think he is stringing you along, I personally would give dp an ultimatum. Therapy to work through issue or its over.
Then again I'm risk adverse also, would not want to risk my precious time. He might never feel ready to commit to a family life and kids.

PippaF2 · 05/04/2023 17:26

P.s you should probably push the issue though, he could be ashamed of something that actually you could work through together. Your entire relationship could change for the better if it turns out this is the cause, because he might be able to move forward with his life and your life together.

If he has no issue with pulling a credit report and he's happy to share his credit score etc then you probably have to conceed that it's probably a relationship commitment thing.

unsync · 05/04/2023 17:26

Get rid. Buy your own place. You deserve someone who can commit to you. He isn't it.

RudsyFarmer · 05/04/2023 17:29

what’s his family situation? I feel like we could learn a lot from that information.

My gut instinct is he is distancing himself from you and giving himself options to leave down the line. I don’t think he’s anywhere close to wanting a family. If he wanted marriage he’d have been more interested in buying a flat with you. I’d go so far as to suggest he might consider wanting to leave the country altogether. Does he have that option through his job?

Morningcoffeeview · 05/04/2023 17:32

Northernsoullover · 05/04/2023 16:08

I think maybe he isn't as committed to the relationship as you are. Don't waste your fertility on someone who won't commit. Don't marry him either if he doesn't lump cash into the property.

This. He’s not that into you OP. You want different things and he’s made that quite clear.

PetitPorpoise · 05/04/2023 17:34

Agree with others, sorry. He doesn't have to be a bad person for you to "legitimately" break things off. It seems like you're in different places, and I agree that the time might come when he has wasted too much of your life.

Thelittlekingdom · 05/04/2023 17:38

The £40k in the bank before kids is a bit odd. I agree having some savings is really beneficial but cannot understand why he’d want to rent when he could buy. Have you had a frank conversation about his finances? I’d be tempted to move on.