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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try to stop referral to children’s services

106 replies

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 15:50

I requested mental health support for low mood via our local county talking therapy website and had a phone consultation this morning. So far so good.

The help I asked for was specifically about low mood and my anger. The therapist on the phone asked a lot of questions about my relationship, it’s been rocky, a lot of arguments and back and forth, DH can be quite belittling, I can be emotional, etc. She told me she’d be back in touch within a week with their recommendation for support, I was expecting to be given a course of CBT to help me manage my responses/emotions/anger.

She’s phoned me back this afternoon and told me she thinks I’m being emotionally abused and is referring me to the local domestic abuse charity and what’s more, she’s referring to children’s services as it’s a safeguarding issue for our children apparently.

I told her she’d got it completely wrong, that wasn’t the help I was looking for, I wasn’t wanting or expecting him to be judged for an abuser. I was asking for help with an emotional problem and now I feel she’s just handed me an even bigger, nastier and unfortunately extremely real one. Referral to social services, what the actual fuck? She said I could speak to a supervisor but that she wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t send the referral letter. I was horrified, asked her not to, she said she had to.

What the hell can I do. What will happen? Has anyone else been in this situation?? I’m shitting myself that I’ve gone for emotional support because I’ve got low mood and my husband and I have been rowing, and all of a sudden my husband is an abuser and my kids are being referred for safeguarding?

It feels totally beyond my control. I wanted help and what I’ve got is a huge problem. I wish I’d never bloody reached out obviously.

Any help or advice, please.

OP posts:
Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 15:52

That’s awful . I’m so sorry OP. I don’t think you can stop the referral but when you are contacted by a social worker explain how this woman has misjudged the situation
good luck

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 15:54

Maybe she hasn't misjudged, maybe you are just not letting yourself see the true gravity of the situation you're in. I wouldnt worry about the referral if there's nothing to hide, their duty is to protect people.

Stressfordays · 05/04/2023 15:57

I always thought the problem was my low mood/anger issues. Turns out, I was being emotionally and mentally abused for years and I needed help and support through that. Funnily enough, now my ex has gone, I'm no longer depressed or angry.

Original poster
ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 15:58

Do you know what happens when you are referred to children’s services, what the process is? Are my kids going to be approached? Is DH going to find out? Will the school, the GP be informed? I am absolutely beside myself, I should never have asked for support if I had known this could be the outcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 16:00

@Stressfordays right, I would sure be calmer if he wasn’t around. But I want to work out my relationship with him and I don’t want him pegged as an abuser, or the children involved. Was the support you received involved with your children and social/children’s services?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/04/2023 16:00

I’m guessing your husband wouldn’t react reasonably to this misunderstanding?

Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 16:01

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 15:58

Do you know what happens when you are referred to children’s services, what the process is? Are my kids going to be approached? Is DH going to find out? Will the school, the GP be informed? I am absolutely beside myself, I should never have asked for support if I had known this could be the outcome.

Yes they will speak to the school and gp. They gather information and will want to come and see you all , separately and together . Depending on the dc ages they may want to speak to them alone . They’ll look round the house etc too.

Original poster
ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 16:02

Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 16:01

Yes they will speak to the school and gp. They gather information and will want to come and see you all , separately and together . Depending on the dc ages they may want to speak to them alone . They’ll look round the house etc too.

Show quote history

Jesus fuck. This will not go well. No, I don’t think he’ll react reasonably, I don’t think I’m reacting “reasonably” either, I’m shocked and horrified.

OP posts:
Notegoat · 05/04/2023 16:02

Has she got it wrong?

gamerchick · 05/04/2023 16:03

It may have been for the best. Children deserve to be in a calm environment and you deserve some peace of mind. Sometimes we can't see the woods for the trees.

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 16:05

It sounds like it's for the best. You worrying about how he will react shows there's more to it. If this was a mistake surely he would understand and be fine about them doing their checks. Your worrying suggests this woman got it right sadly.

Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 16:06

Sweetheart, if your DH is a reasonable man, then he will totally understand the whole situation if you sit down and talk to him. If you think that he wouldn't understand, then I urge you to see why the lady doing the referral has to do her job.

Please keep us posted.

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/04/2023 16:06

Often strangers can see the true picture better than we can. Living in a home where there are endless arguments and where dad belittles and picks on mum really isn’t nice for children. I think she’s correct to have made the referral. It doesn’t mean social workers will swoop in and remove your children, but they can signpost to family support, behaviour management for your DH, explore with you whether you are actually being abused, that sort of thing

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/04/2023 16:08

TBH OP from the way you have reacted I can’t help wondering if she is right.

You think the problem is “low mood” (which could mean almost anything) but if the source of this low mood is your relationship with your husband and this is having a negative impact on your household and your children’s wellbeing maybe it’s worth taking a step back and asking yourself some honest questions.

For one thing if your reaction to this scenario is primarily to fear his reaction you have to ask yourself how your kids feel?

I may be overstepping the mark here but it doesn’t sound like a calm environment.

Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 16:08

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 16:02

Jesus fuck. This will not go well. No, I don’t think he’ll react reasonably, I don’t think I’m reacting “reasonably” either, I’m shocked and horrified.

Show quote history

It may be worth, as hard as I know this is to consider , considering that maybe his behaviour is a problem that perhaps you could need some support with ? If the woman you spoke to has misunderstood you will be able to deal with this together, if your dh is angry or reacts badly then it might be a good time to just stop and reflect and try to be open to perhaps accepting some support . I know it is hard and I wish you all the best x

Yukkaplants · 05/04/2023 16:10

Hi op I’m so sorry you’re feeling down and then have this on top.
childrens social care will contact school and gp to see if there are any concerns.
they cannot speak to your children without your consent - my advice would be do not consent and make it very clear to the social workers that you do but consent.
they cannot impose anything on you at this point . They may try to make you believe you have to cooperate but you don’t.
don’t over share with the social workers - keep your cards close to your chest. Most likely they will close the case unless they can find evidence of serious harm to your children. Don’t give them any fodder.
I have been in exactly your shoes. It was extremely stressful. Good luck with everything xx

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/04/2023 16:12

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 16:02

Jesus fuck. This will not go well. No, I don’t think he’ll react reasonably, I don’t think I’m reacting “reasonably” either, I’m shocked and horrified.

Show quote history

I think if your DH can’t see or doesn’t believe that this sort of home environment and your arguments are having an impact on your children, and would react angrily that a therapist has been concerned enough for your children to make a referral, rather than devastated and prepared to do everything he can to improve things for the children, that’s a problem in itself.

Overthebow · 05/04/2023 16:13

There probably isn't any way to stop it as sounds like she is just doing her job. You have flagged up some worrying things and she needs to make sure the children are safe. It's for the best, if there's nothing wrong then it'll be fine.

Showersugar · 05/04/2023 16:13

Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 16:01

Yes they will speak to the school and gp. They gather information and will want to come and see you all , separately and together . Depending on the dc ages they may want to speak to them alone . They’ll look round the house etc too.

Show quote history

You're getting ahead of yourself there.

OP they will initially do some basic checks, with school for example, and will probably want to speak with you by phone - only then will they make a decision about whether to progress to a full assessment (that's when your children would be spoken to). Given that the presenting concern is domestic abuse they will be VERY cautious about when and how or even if they alert your DH.

Yukkaplants · 05/04/2023 16:15

Many posters here will not have had involvement of childrens social care and will think that you will be given help. This is very unlikely.
I thought they would help me to find mental health support but they didn’t. They made things worse.
when they call to do an assessment be very clear that you are not being abused and you do not want their help.
if you are being abused there are better places to get help. Use those instead.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/04/2023 16:15

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/04/2023 16:02

Jesus fuck. This will not go well. No, I don’t think he’ll react reasonably, I don’t think I’m reacting “reasonably” either, I’m shocked and horrified.

Show quote history

I’m really sorry Op, but I think you’re reaction, and your fear of what will happen if he finds out, means they’ve got it bang on.

Wouldyouaccept · 05/04/2023 16:15

Yukkaplants · 05/04/2023 16:10

Hi op I’m so sorry you’re feeling down and then have this on top.
childrens social care will contact school and gp to see if there are any concerns.
they cannot speak to your children without your consent - my advice would be do not consent and make it very clear to the social workers that you do but consent.
they cannot impose anything on you at this point . They may try to make you believe you have to cooperate but you don’t.
don’t over share with the social workers - keep your cards close to your chest. Most likely they will close the case unless they can find evidence of serious harm to your children. Don’t give them any fodder.
I have been in exactly your shoes. It was extremely stressful. Good luck with everything xx

By refusing to let them talk to the children that will really concern them

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 05/04/2023 16:17

It's been rocky, lots of arguments, he can be belittling...I don't think she's done anything wrong OP. If he was a reasonable person he'd understand how/why this has happened

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/04/2023 16:18

Just to add I think anything you do which gives the impression that you were trying to block them would just fuel the suspicion you have something to hide. So I would be as open as you can be.

Mariposista · 05/04/2023 16:19

So your children are growing up watching their father belittle their mother and trash her MH, yet she refuses to safeguard them from that and LEAVE!
At least someone is looking out for them.