To try to stop referral to children’s services

[ItsCalledAConversation]

I requested mental health support for low mood via our local county talking therapy website and had a phone consultation this morning. So far so good.

The help I asked for was specifically about low mood and my anger. The therapist on the phone asked a lot of questions about my relationship, it’s been rocky, a lot of arguments and back and forth, DH can be quite belittling, I can be emotional, etc. She told me she’d be back in touch within a week with their recommendation for support, I was expecting to be given a course of CBT to help me manage my responses/emotions/anger.

She’s phoned me back this afternoon and told me she thinks I’m being emotionally abused and is referring me to the local domestic abuse charity and what’s more, she’s referring to children’s services as it’s a safeguarding issue for our children apparently.

I told her she’d got it completely wrong, that wasn’t the help I was looking for, I wasn’t wanting or expecting him to be judged for an abuser. I was asking for help with an emotional problem and now I feel she’s just handed me an even bigger, nastier and unfortunately extremely real one. Referral to social services, what the actual fuck? She said I could speak to a supervisor but that she wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t send the referral letter. I was horrified, asked her not to, she said she had to.

What the hell can I do. What will happen? Has anyone else been in this situation?? I’m shitting myself that I’ve gone for emotional support because I’ve got low mood and my husband and I have been rowing, and all of a sudden my husband is an abuser and my kids are being referred for safeguarding?

It feels totally beyond my control. I wanted help and what I’ve got is a huge problem. I wish I’d never bloody reached out obviously.

Any help or advice, please.

OP, social services won't necessarily visit, they'll probably speak to school, GP and you first. What is your biggest worry? DH finding out? It worrying the kids? How it will look to school? How do you think DH will react? Does he know you've reached out for MH support? Has the therapist explained to you which bits she thinks are abusive? The therapist may be reading too much into it or it might be you are struggling to see what's going on because you are so used to it. You could ring social services and ask to speak to the duty social worker, especially if you are worried about DH finding out and you want them to be super cautious.

Honestly. sounds like shes right. We got referred to social services by the school once. I wasnt nervous. I wasnt nervous to tell my husband. Because I knew there wasnt an issue. The school were just doing their job. The fact that you are so worried about this (and your explanation of his belittling behaviour) makes me think a referral is warranted.

I would sure be calmer if he wasn’t around. But I want to work out my relationship with him and I don’t want him pegged as an abuser, or the children involved.

Have a reread of this.

You don't get to choose if someone is an abuser, it's their actions and words that determine that.

You would be calmer without him, then why don't you prioritise your well-being?

Why is a relationship with someone who upsets you more important than feeling good yourself?

And I'm sorry to add to this, but if you think your children aren't involved, you're wrong. The children are eye witnesses to almost everything that happens at home, and hear even more.

I'm in an abusive relationship that sounds very similar to yours. The only difference is that I live somewhere where it's not recognised as abuse because he hasn't hit or raped me, so I can't get help. Do what you want with the social workers, but your goal here needs to be the emotional and physical safety of your children, if you can't prioritise your own.

And look, if there's no abuse actually happening, it's highly unlikely that the social services will do much of anything - they're completely over worked and stretched. They don't spend their time fannying around on cases that don't raise flags.

Having just read a couple of your previous threads about your relationship, I think the therapist was absolutely correct in what she did. Your relationship is utterly toxic, even if not abusive, and your children must be miserable. You need to continue as you said you’d told him you wanted, and divorce.

i agree with @Yukkaplants

i do think some posters are quite naive and just think it’s a hand holding supportive exercise to support the OP leaving. It isn’t.

Honestly. sounds like shes right. We got referred to social services by the school once. I wasnt nervous. I wasnt nervous to tell my husband. Because I knew there wasnt an issue. The school were just doing their job. The fact that you are so worried about this (and your explanation of his belittling behaviour) makes me think a referral is warranted.

On the fence there. We had a police welfare check on the kids once. I knew there wasn't an issue. Still meant I didn't sleep at all the night afterwards and was under a huge amount of stress waiting to see what would happen next. Didn't eat, couldn't sleep...it had a massive effect on my mental health. I had suicidal thoughts but felt I couldn't discuss with anyone because people would think no smoke without fire.

Child safeguarding has to be done and I'd rather they'd checked than a child died but my experience was a massively horrific six to seven weeks of waiting to see what was going to happen (nothing, they were satisfied by the welfare check, didn't even refer to social services but it took them that long to tell us) and I'm not sure I'm fully over it.

Try not to worry too much OP. Childrens social services across the country are currently drowning in high risk, complex referrals with a massive lack of staff. Your case may not even get picked up as the fact you went looking for support will go in your favour.
If you are worried about your husbands reaction, you could always just try and say its just a process that gets followed when there's kids in the house. Chances are he wouldn't know either way.
A social worker will probs phone you for a chat, ask some questions, ask for permission to speak with kids school, dr's etc and you need to say yes to this. They may not even ring if they really don't have any concerns but to say no will raise alarm bells. Ensure they can see you have support and put your kids needs first and tbh I doubt you meet the thresholds for any further intervention.

He was always a bit moody and could be verbally very tough at times but I always felt safe and loved. He would raise a relationship issue that made him “unhappy” (emotionally/verbally abusive), I would immediately apologise and do whatever I could to make him happy again, while denying my own emotions and needs, this dynamic worked for years.

While he just gets on with his job (I don’t work any longer) and will moan about any issue he cares to name, from there not being the right fruit in the fruit bowl or milk in the fridge (very occasionally we run out of some item) or something bigger like he didn’t like what I said or the way I said something. This can turn into days of him ranting and sleeping. The cycle seems to be he complains and makes me feel worthless, I cry but then grief turns to anger and I scream and shout, then he calls me mad for screaming and shouting and the whole thing starts again. Our kids are beside themselves.

That’s what you wrote in the thread you started about a fortnight ago after you’d told your husband you want to divorce. And you still can’t see why the therapist is concerned for your children’s welfare in that environment and believes you are in an abusive relationship?

If you tell children’s services that you don’t think there’s a problem and that your kids are fine, they will approach you as parents who lack insight and are incapable of understanding the impact on children of living in a house with an emotional abusive parent. It really won’t go well for you at all. You have to be honest and open with them, and commit to ending the relationship.

That's exactly what I thought.

"My husband can be quite belittling"

Sounds like emotional abuse to me.

Maybe use this opportunity to get yourself to a place where you are t living with someone who belittles you - which causes you low mood and to feel angry.

Concerned at the people telling you to block Ss.
Please don't go that. We have a DD that struggled massively during her teenage years, she ran away, so of course the police contacted SS.
They spoke to school, spoke to DD and DS's and to both me and DH together and separately.
They were involved with us for 2 years, trying to support DD ( and the rest of us). Nothing they did helped DD at the time, but when she needed housing at 17, the fact she had a SW helped.
Just be honest.
And maybe think about other PPs comments.... you probably need to leave your DH

Hi OP,

I've had a real toxic time with my baby's dad and ended up telling my health visitor about a scuffle I had with him couple months ago. SS were also told and I had a social worker come to my house the other day, I was also absolutely shitting myself but she was really nice and it wasn't as intense as it sounds. She will ask questions about your family set up etc but your husband won't be told, and she won't approach your children about it. Try and relax cause it isn't as bad as it sounds, feel free to message me if you have any questions

@ItsCalledAConversation - please look at your previous threads. Please look at the previous comments of people begging you to leave him because his behaviour is toxic and controlling. Please take this as a final f’ing signal that your relationship is unhealthy for you and the children. This man is incapable of real and meaningful change. He’s a controlling arsehole who’s happy with the dynamic at home where you walk around on eggshells fearful of not pleasing him or breaking any number of small made up rules he holds.

leave. For the love of your children - leave him. The kids will grow unhappier and. Pre anxious as the years go on and his moods and demands permeate the atmosphere at home.

DH and are spending time apart/separated now, exactly because I want to protect the children from hearing arguments or wondering why mummy is crying or angry. Or why dad’s arguing again: Yes, it is a shitshow and it’s painful, that’s what I need help with, I thought CBT or relationship counselling, but I never expected a diagnosis of DV after a 45 minute assessment call or that SS would be involved without my consent. Call me a snob but I’ve never thought in a million years “people like us” would be involved in SS. I should be able to handle this alone. It’s really shocked me. DH would be shocked too, and question what I’d said that made them have concern. That’s his issue not mine.

I sometimes have to make safeguarding referrals and based on what you've said, and what another poster has copied and pasted I would have on this occasion. That's not to say that it will be accepted by social care, they may open a case or they may suggest early help.

Either way you need support as a family. CBT is not the right therapy when you're living in a toxic environment.

Couldn't agree more....

All social services do is snoop around your house while you're trying to make your kids tea, ask intrusive questions and sadly sometimes can be very belittling....and God forbid if the social worker takes a dislike to you! They often turn up in pairs too...

It's so sad that people can't reach out for help without this shit happening.

I think you're going to have to back track here.

Don't panic. SS will read the referral. They will contact the school and ask for a welfare check, which is a form they complete. The school will not be told why this is being requested. They get lots of these requests so you won't become the school news.

SS will triage. There are 3 potential outcomes.

• Doesn't meet threshold for referral. Case closed.
• You will be offered support on a voluntary basis. This will likely be called something like early help, but the name is different in every area. For this level of support, your consent is needed.
• You will be told that support is being put in place (a Child in Need or Child Protection plan).

The third outcome is unlikely to be honest. The second is likely, from what you've said here and what PP quoted from a previous thread.

I'm glad to hear that your partner is out of the house. Can this be made more permanent?

I think I’ve been in your children’s shoes. I grew up in a nice house with enough money and nobody cared that things were bad emotionally.

It took years of private therapy to recover.

I’m glad somebody cares about your children, even if you can’t see the whole picture right now.

Take a breath and try relax. Despite the image that gets portrayed SS are there to support and the goal is to keep families together. I can't comment on your relationship but I can give you a bit of info on referrals if that would help!

Firstly referrals should have consent from parents unless there is concern that informing parents would increase risk to child or child is seen as being at significant risk. I'm not sure what the conversation with the mental health worker was so can't judge where on the scale that would land. Telling you they're referring you is not asking consent.

You may get a call from the front door team to gather more information. Depending on the information in the referral will depend on the approach. It may go straight to an assessment team. Again, they will ask consent for an assessment. You can decline. It would probably be pointed out that if there are significant enough concerns and you decline support it COULD not WILL escalate. Consent for assessment doesn't mean consent for further work. An assessment may identify no problems or referrals to more appropriate agencies such as mh teams etc. I would hope that initial contact would be with you given the concerns are DV related and that they would arrange a personal safety plan for you for when they speak to your partner. Keep in mind if he is dad and on birth certificate and has PR he is legally entitled to have information and should be spoken to unless the risk of doing so is significant.

No one can speak to kids/school/gp etc without your consent unless it's an immediate safeguarding issue.

Sorry that's really long...in short try not to worry and try to see support services as support. We'll done for reaching out!

Hey I’m a social worker. They will refer in then someone will look into background, they will likely call you to get your views on the situation.
they then make a decision whether to send to for a full assessment. If you have no history and there was no significant incident this will likely be under section 17 of the children act which is consent based. So if you decline it can’t go ahead.
if the child is in imminent danger or if there is a history of very serious dv it could potentially be referred for a section 47 assessment which will determine whether they need to hold a conference.

you are no where near any of your children being removed. Please remember children service main function is to help and provide support not take your children away. Before I became a social worker I got help with a rlitwonshop I was in and they helped me.

it’s impossible to tell your situation from this post but use the time to think about if this lady has a point? Sometimes people refer things on as they are unsure or sometimes it’s valid. Nothing will happen without your knowledge

hope that is of some help to you I know it’s scary.

Forgot to say it may not even meet the threshold for an assessment - lots of parents argue and lots of people need help for mh it really depends on other details

Social worker here. The referral can’t be stopped , but the likelihood is that SS won’t do much more than call you, ask some questions and possibly ask to do an assessment with you and the children .
I know many view us as being desperate to remove children from parents but this is not the case. A good worker can offer support and advice, which you can choose to take or leave unless there are some concerns about yours and your children’s welfare.

Children's services are not always linked with social services! It's important to know that children's services are often used to working with families that need a bit of extra support or advice without having to involve a social worker. They can be very helpful and usually have a bit of common sense and sensitivity. Google children's services and your local council and you'll find the organisation structure and the offers of help they provide. They can also help to bridge misunderstandings between families and other professionals, they really are very helpful!

As a social worker, I would be very concerned if a parent said I couldn't speak to their kids.

We generally know when kids have been coached on what to say, and we generally know when they're actually upset/distressed rather than just blowing off steam talking about how mean their parents are.

Please work with them, not against them. They do not want to take your children. That is always the last resort.

From the sounds of it, you do need support and your relationship IS a problem that you need to properly consider. Take care