To try to stop referral to children’s services

[ItsCalledAConversation]

I requested mental health support for low mood via our local county talking therapy website and had a phone consultation this morning. So far so good.

The help I asked for was specifically about low mood and my anger. The therapist on the phone asked a lot of questions about my relationship, it’s been rocky, a lot of arguments and back and forth, DH can be quite belittling, I can be emotional, etc. She told me she’d be back in touch within a week with their recommendation for support, I was expecting to be given a course of CBT to help me manage my responses/emotions/anger.

She’s phoned me back this afternoon and told me she thinks I’m being emotionally abused and is referring me to the local domestic abuse charity and what’s more, she’s referring to children’s services as it’s a safeguarding issue for our children apparently.

I told her she’d got it completely wrong, that wasn’t the help I was looking for, I wasn’t wanting or expecting him to be judged for an abuser. I was asking for help with an emotional problem and now I feel she’s just handed me an even bigger, nastier and unfortunately extremely real one. Referral to social services, what the actual fuck? She said I could speak to a supervisor but that she wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t send the referral letter. I was horrified, asked her not to, she said she had to.

What the hell can I do. What will happen? Has anyone else been in this situation?? I’m shitting myself that I’ve gone for emotional support because I’ve got low mood and my husband and I have been rowing, and all of a sudden my husband is an abuser and my kids are being referred for safeguarding?

It feels totally beyond my control. I wanted help and what I’ve got is a huge problem. I wish I’d never bloody reached out obviously.

Any help or advice, please.

"Snob"? No. All manner of people have relationship problems that impact their children.
You are not managing alone because your husband is being abusive and you are exposing your children to a toxic environment.
SS have a duty to protect children from domestic abuse which can be emotional abuse.

I get it OP. You knew things were toxic and you wanted help for your side of things and now it's been taken out of your hands. Did the woman say if she is still going to refer you for some therapy as that is what you initially wanted?

The same thing happened to me when I asked for post partum ocd help from the mental health team at a hospital. They didn't have enough understanding of post partum ocd to realise I wasn't having post partum psychosis and just wanted support with things. They referred to social services despite my protests and four actually clinical psychologists assessing me after the mental health nurse made her wrong assessment and saying they had no worries. I never did get the help I'd asked for because I didn't dare reach out again in this country.

I don't wanna advise you on the situation as each one is unique, and it's not for me to say if your husband is abusive, but I know what you're going through and keep reminding yourself you're a good mum and you reached out for support and keep reminding anyone dealing with you of the actual support you were looking for. Try not to get upset with social workers as with the way they're trained to see things, they can twist this in their minds as you being unstable. Try and be calm and go along with it and be positive and cheerful and say 'yes I am looking for help emotionally. I wasn't expecting things to take this turn but I'm open to any appropriate support you can offer for the arguments I keep having with my husband' and take things one step at a time. Whatever you do, don't try and lie and backtrack on anything you've already said. They don't take kindly to that and will think you could be hiding more.

Dv and abuse happens to all classes to peopke like you like me like them rich poor middle .

If you are separated amd kids are not longer hearing arguments
Then tell ss that if they contact you

Wow, thank you all for these in depth and considered responses. This site can be so constructive and helpful, I really appreciate it, even the “they could have a point” ones, which, let’s face it, they could.
I am reassured to think this could just be a phone call. I have nothing to hide, I’ve been upfront that my own anger and emotional responses are my red flag to the situation, and that no matter how much I love him and did love him all my life, we can’t continue how we currently are for any of our sake. It’s so sad. I’m grieving what we should have, and find it hard facing up to what we do have. What we are losing, or have already lost. Having it shoved in my face like this is shocking and terrifying but I guess it’s got to be this way. I want to be the judge of my own situation, or be supported to be able to judge it myself, not some one else swoop in and take it out of my hands. Like a PP said, maybe I can’t see the wood for the trees. Maybe I think it doesn’t apply to me because we have a nice house and plenty of holidays. Urgh. I feel sick.

I would suggest you could tell the counsellor you do not consent to the referral... it does sound like you need support though

So true.
You have that thought about what if people think there is something in it even though there isn't.
You constantly have that threat about if they'll believe the person reporting rather than you.
Even though these people at the other end of the phone don't know you at all.

She thinks the children are at risk, there's a safeguarding issue? Of what? What is the risk to the children?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/
https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

Paranoid bollocks. Don't listen to these posters, OP.

I don't know if this is helpful OP, but I had a somewhat similar situation.

In my case teen DD was using the chat health app to talk through her mental health issues and one of the issues she brought up was how her school refusing caused arguments and affected my mental health.

This led to a safeguarding referral being raised. The nhs practitioner from the chat line told DD she would be contacting both her parents and making a referral to children's services. This was not what DD wanted, and she was then panicking about coming home in case I was angry.

The person rang exh and asked him lots of questions about my mental health, which he wasn't particularly comfortable with. He didn't say much except that DD was always welcome to walk up the road to his and that she had never chosen to- so he didn't have any reason to think that she was struggling at mine.

The person then rang me, which was a very stressful conversation. Lots of questions about my mental health history and then told me I was manipulative for telling DD that her refusing to go to school (with accompanying attitude and behaviour) was impacting other people besides just her. But no answer or suggestions I could give were right.

ie "I could try leaving for work before school time so there's no chance for an argument" No, that's avoidance.

"Ok, so I stay at home but not comment on the fact that she's throwing things and not going to school?" No, that's bottling things up.

Very stressful, and it felt like the person had a bee in her bonnet. So she referred to child services.

A few days later child services rang. They asked what had been happening and I explained. They sent me info on some resources for school refusal. They asked if I knew how to refer myself to well-being services if necessary.

That was all. Nothing to worry about. The threshold for safeguarding is much lower with children than adults, so arguing with children in the house may be enough to trigger it. Just be honest with them and things will work out.

This is exactly why people don’t speak out about problems - like it or not there are trigger happy staff who refer for everything in case they miss the next Baby P.

The fact you’ve tried to stop it won’t look good so I’d look at damage limitation now OP. TBH i doubt you will get a call let alone a visit. SS are hugely overstretched and they won’t care about a man who belittles his wife now and again.

Maybe you do, but honestly? There is probably as much abuse in 'nice middle class homes' as there is outside them. But thanks to the sorts of attitudes put out by certain other posters here, and the 'it's only deprived homes' idea, a lot of it is missed, and a lot of children are permanently damaged.
But apparently if you keep silent it all goes away, according to some here.
It doesn't. Ask me how I know.

Hi op, the therapist is doing her job. You obviously disclosed some information that she deemed concerning enough to make a referral. You may not think you are being emotionally abused but more often than not, emotional abuse is done very subtly over a long period of time and becomes worse over the months/ years. You have already said that your DH is belittling, that in itself is usually a sign of emotional abuse. Basically any form of manipulation or belittling is classed as emotional abuse.
I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I never actually thought I was being abused until I decided to use google.
If you google ‘emotional abuse examples’ and ‘gaslighting’ you may be surprised at what you find out.

Not what they were saying. They were saying lie and hide the issues. From experience I can say, don't be that parent.

Hi @ItsCalledAConversation

I'm glad to read your latest update

It is a safeguarding referral that counsellor had a statutory duty to do, based on info (others have added more in from a previous thread of yours, which should have flagged up child SG before)

I'm relieved to hear you will talk and be open, if Children SWs do contact you.

People worry that just bc you have a safeguarding referral it follows that someone will be called an abuser - but it is just that further enquiries need to be made. For every umpteen SG referrals, only a few go on to require statutory enquiries and then child protection plans. So it's not an outcome that you've had a referral but an opportunity to talk/ for services to check if DCs welfare and yours are ok and to suggest & offer support at what level is required

Alarm bells ring when someone denies it blocks those enquiries- just imagine if situ was awful and very scary at home, that it might initially present as the same..

I hope you get support from MH service for your low moods , from CSD of appropriate and also from DA support service.

Children pick up on tense atmospheres at home, adults shouting, if there's an adults with "rules" that might be overly controlling and make their partner anxious not to meet. Please listen to the professionals and co- operate.
They'll spot quickly if there is or isn't an ongoing concern and at what level. It's great that you've sought help.

There definitely isn’t.

But safeguarding must be contextual.

That we know of. Which is exactly my point.

How awful for you. But I hope others reading this will think twice before ever getting government involved in your life. I avoid social workers like the plague as you’re inviting problems you never expected.

Op, really hope this can be resolved quickly and to your satisfaction soon.

She wouldn't be doing her job properly if she ignored this though. Your children witnessing or hearing abuse IS abuse. You're in a bit of denial by thinking the children are not impacted by this.

Not sure that is wise as op is being abused and if she doesnt accept that she is failing to protect the children.

Yes the children will likely be approached depending on age, as will the school. You need to look at things in a different light here, its all positive help. I have had children services involvement historically and I now work in level one sector, it absolutely is a safeguarding issue though, you need to work with them.

So. I was in this position recently. Except my counsellor referred me.

I have never been so terrified. I didn’t think I was REALLY being emotionally abused. I just thought things were a bit shit and I could fix it.

I spent a couple of weeks desperately hoping SS would be too busy to do anything at all and that I could pretend it never happened.

They phoned. I tried to explain it. Heard myself making excuses for him.

Had a moment of sheer fucking clarity. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN. YOU HAVE SOCIAL SERVICES ON THE PHONE. THIS ENDS NOW.

Told him he had to go. It was AWFUL but needed to happen. They’d been right. Told SW on phone that he’d gone. Decided to be entirely open and honest and do WHATEVER it took to get them to never need to see me again.

I lied to work that i was sick for a few days. “I’ve kicked abusive DH out and have SS on the phone” isn’t on our list of acceptable illnesses.

Invited her round two days later so she could see I was telling the truth and know I wasn’t an awful person or a shit mum, because that’s how I felt.

SW was lovely. Offered details of further support. Said she’d pass my details on to a DV organisation. Honestly they all had different names and I wasn’t sure what they did or what they involved but I wasn’t going to say no to anything in case it looked bad.

So I had an hour phone call a couple of weeks later with a DV woman who agreed I’d be okay without further intervention but helped me see it hadn’t been okay, even if I wasn’t being smacked about technically.

Six months down the line and we’re divorcing, coparenting almost amicably and SS haven’t been further involved.

The person who referred me was right to. I was being emotionally abused. Life can be better. DM me if it helps.