To try to stop referral to children’s services

[ItsCalledAConversation]

I requested mental health support for low mood via our local county talking therapy website and had a phone consultation this morning. So far so good.

The help I asked for was specifically about low mood and my anger. The therapist on the phone asked a lot of questions about my relationship, it’s been rocky, a lot of arguments and back and forth, DH can be quite belittling, I can be emotional, etc. She told me she’d be back in touch within a week with their recommendation for support, I was expecting to be given a course of CBT to help me manage my responses/emotions/anger.

She’s phoned me back this afternoon and told me she thinks I’m being emotionally abused and is referring me to the local domestic abuse charity and what’s more, she’s referring to children’s services as it’s a safeguarding issue for our children apparently.

I told her she’d got it completely wrong, that wasn’t the help I was looking for, I wasn’t wanting or expecting him to be judged for an abuser. I was asking for help with an emotional problem and now I feel she’s just handed me an even bigger, nastier and unfortunately extremely real one. Referral to social services, what the actual fuck? She said I could speak to a supervisor but that she wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t send the referral letter. I was horrified, asked her not to, she said she had to.

What the hell can I do. What will happen? Has anyone else been in this situation?? I’m shitting myself that I’ve gone for emotional support because I’ve got low mood and my husband and I have been rowing, and all of a sudden my husband is an abuser and my kids are being referred for safeguarding?

It feels totally beyond my control. I wanted help and what I’ve got is a huge problem. I wish I’d never bloody reached out obviously.

Any help or advice, please.

I'm glad that people are finally thinking of the children in these situations. You might be an amazing mum but children deserve to grow up in a calm safe environment not listening to angry parents!
And however much you think they don't see anything they have ears and do pick up on tense relationships.

Children being exposed to domestic abuse is abuse in its own right. Children have a legal right to be protected from violence and abuse. Any parent that fails to protect their child from this is actually considered an abusive parent.

She did the right thing. It is her responsibility to do this so no point blaming her.
They will investigate,if no concerns case will get closed.
Threshold is very high so probably will not go far anyway at the moment.
But you may be offered some support which is what it shoulda like you need. The fact you are asking for support will actually look very good for you. It's concerning when people don't seek help. They will not be taking your children away if that's what you are worried about?
But the question has to be asked are you being abused at all? Are you ok? What support ndo you need?

You sound just like me.
I wish to god I'd had the strength to listen to a counsellor years ago who gently asked what was I getting out of the relationship.
He was and still is an abuser.
The children will be effected.

Childrens services IS social services! It's the same thing

How are your DC OP? Are they having any problems at school? Any physical illnesses?

You sound great as a parent and a person. I wish you and your family all the best and am glad that you're open to change for the improvement of your family.

Firstly you cannot stop a referral and you do not need to consent for one to be made. Parents should be informed before one is made unless it would put the children at further risk, but initial referrals do not require consent.

The referral will be sent to a ‘front door’ of Children’s services. A social worker will look at the info, check the case history, might call you to ask further questions and then make a decision. Decision could be to close the case at that point without further checks, or pass the referral and info to an area team where a social worker will be allocated to the case.

If sent to area the sw will then call you for consent to carry out an assessment and further checks. It’s unlikely school or health will be contacted before this and without your consent. The only time consent is overridden is when a decision is made that the children are at significant risk of harm. This decision is made by a group of professionals not just a sw. It’s unlikely this will be the case from the info in your op. If you do not consent this does not go against you or flag anything up, it’s an offer of assessment for support not a test to trip you up. Unless there is a risk of significant harm then an assessment is for your family to get support that you want and need nothing more.

If you do consent to assessment then a sw will visit, speak to you and your dc, contact schools and health professionals. The assessment will identify appropriate support services. If the assessment flags up further concerns and a higher risk you will be told this immediately and given info on what will happen next. Even then a plan is one of support even at child protection level it’s just non consent based.

The goal is never to remove children unless absolutely nothing else has worked and the risk is so significant that the children are being significantly harmed. This is an absolute last resort an you would know about it way in advance and have every opportunity to make changes. The only time a child is removed quickly is in extreme circumstances where they are at the highest risk possible. This is very rare.

Of course you will get crap SW because there are crap people in every job but this is likely to be from a lack of experience than from a place of malice. I have never met a sw who wants to twist what is happening, why would they? What do they possibly have to gain by doing this apart from adding to their already overwhelming workload?

Good luck op. It takes courage to recognise your a victim and then take action.

A friend of mine was in a very similar relationship, but genuinely blamed her low mood etc. It took her partner really losing his temper with their 4yo, her relaying it to nursery and them making a safeguarding referral for her to realise what was going on.

If all is genuinely fine, then you have nothing to worry about when speaking to SS. If not, then maybe it’s genuinely for the best.

This happened to me op. Except it was some utter wankers who I thought I could trust who made everything ten times worse.

SS got involved . They then told school. They spoke to my Dr. The police. And they spoke to us all separately and together.

It was utterly awful and I still haven’t recovered from it almost five years later. I am sorry to say that to you.

I don’t know what to say except to go with it. I am sure it will all work out and be fine.

At the end of the day they say they are there to support you and that’s what it is for. You say you don’t need it - perhaps you don’t, perhaps you do.

I said nothing to any of them but that was me. And you are you and only you know the truth of what is happening at home.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Hugs

The thing is, if someone is being abused, are SS then going to support them in getting away? Stating a new life sans the abusive dad?

Doesn’t happen, does it?

@ItsCalledAConversation

As you disclosed all this information to them, they have a duty of care to act on this and as you have children this is clearly a safeguarding concern to them.

The whole situation of you being angry and a partner being abusive is a far from ideal situation for children to be in, you have to realise that surely?

You should be grateful that someone is going to help you and hopefully, in time you'll realise that this is a positive thing to help you 💐

From my experience years back as a school secretary, Yes they will contact your children's school, then potentially your gp, health visitor, and speak to family members including your
"D"?p and also if the kids go to any clubs eg brownies/ Cubs/ sports/ or wraparound care they'll speak to everyone who has contact with you as a fact finding process to try to build a picture up of your family set up and then come up with a plan, often referred to as early help in the initial stages then work things out from there.

We had families in the school involved in these processes and although daunting helped and in one case enabled a mum to leave a very violent partner.

Not all these things are negative please keep an open mind.

Op's children may need their help 🤷🏻‍♀️ It sounds like they live in quite a volatile environment.

@Tietheapron yes it happens every day

Absolutely. The social worker we had was awful. Snooped around my house and even had the cheek to ask me if bleach was on the hallway floor as she could smell bleach and was worried it would stain her new dress.
The bleach was from the bathroom in the hallway.

I found them to be no support whatsoever.

Right, so further contact with dad isn’t encouraged? Contact is severed or limited to supervised contact, when it’s the mother he’s emotionally abused, no physical abuse and no abuse of the children?

Because that’s not my impression.

One of my best mates has SS involvement BUT before I say anything else @sadnessonthehills are you sure OP is actually a PBP??

Apologies for the confusion - sadnessonthehills is a (very prolific) PBP and troll. I had removed their threads for this reason and accidentally removed a post of theirs too with the PBP deletion message.

Although we can never vouch for anyone, there's nothing at all that leads us to believe the OP of this thread is anything but genuine.

Sorry I got confused OP.

I would say that social care will close the referral as you haven't consented and no evidence of harm. I have made referrals as a professional with even more serious concerns which they haven't progressed.

Anyway my friend had SS involvement under much the same circumstances as you @ItsCalledAConversation & has ended up with her two sons under a Child Protection plan, as her now ex husband was verbally & quite physically abusive to them all.
Initially they saw him at a contact centre but now see him under supervision of his parents with my friend's permission.

I don't feel that SS have been that great though.. the eldest boy seems to have adhd or autism but no one has picked up on it or offered an assessment, not even his school, my friends & I have tried to say something to our friend but she doesn't listen.

OP depending on the system your local authority has, unless there is suggestion of risk of significant harm (as per s.47 of the Children Act), they won't move forward with anything without your consent.

It's very likely this will go nowhere and just be a referral that sits on the system. They may liaise with nursery/school/health visitor etc but again with a view to gathering information in order to triage, not to share info with other agencies.

Referrals are constantly made that are taken no further. Really all this means is that she is filled in a form or made a phone call.

If you're very anxious about what's happening you can always, in a few days (bear bank hols in mind) call your local children's services (your local authority should have a generic number on their website) and say you understand a referral was made and you want to find out if it's being progressed.

It's not a given that they will visit, speak to you both etc as a PP said, as it's not a given that you'll be assessed at all.

Either the person you spoke to is overreacting or something you said suggested your children are at risk of emotional or physical harm. Only you can really know that. My advice would be to not panic, but also to take a proper introspective look at things and try to properly reflect and consider on how things looked from the outside. Sounds from your subsequent posts you're trying to do that. And remember you may think you've largely hidden much of the issues from your kids, but from experience as a social worker I can tell you, it's never ever as hidden from them as you think.

Take care.

@Bookworms77

Surely you are not that naieve? There are bad SW'ers, police, everything. My own case was awful, They admitted so.
I've seen many cases where things have been twisted. I've supported families fighting SS. And yes my parents are both retired very senior SW'ers and they've been horrified.

How bloody dare you discount my experience as "paranoid bollox"..?

Work on your freaking manners and understand that just because others have had different experience to you doesn't make it paranoid bollox!

Why can’t people accept that in every profession mistakes happen or there are Urvi as that act unprofessionally for some reason. Yes it’s rare but it DOES happen. Admitting that doesn’t make it paranoid bollocks or conspiracy theories.

It happens across all professions- police (Wayne couzens ) , teaching (we have all probably heard of at some point a teacher abusing or running off with a student) , doctors (touching patients inappropriately), members of religious organisations abusing children , and yes unfortunately also social workers acting unprofessionally, accusing parents of things knowing full well people will say ‘there’s no smoke without fire’

It is RARE but NOT Impossible so we need to keep that in mind