To try to stop referral to children’s services

[ItsCalledAConversation]

I requested mental health support for low mood via our local county talking therapy website and had a phone consultation this morning. So far so good.

The help I asked for was specifically about low mood and my anger. The therapist on the phone asked a lot of questions about my relationship, it’s been rocky, a lot of arguments and back and forth, DH can be quite belittling, I can be emotional, etc. She told me she’d be back in touch within a week with their recommendation for support, I was expecting to be given a course of CBT to help me manage my responses/emotions/anger.

She’s phoned me back this afternoon and told me she thinks I’m being emotionally abused and is referring me to the local domestic abuse charity and what’s more, she’s referring to children’s services as it’s a safeguarding issue for our children apparently.

I told her she’d got it completely wrong, that wasn’t the help I was looking for, I wasn’t wanting or expecting him to be judged for an abuser. I was asking for help with an emotional problem and now I feel she’s just handed me an even bigger, nastier and unfortunately extremely real one. Referral to social services, what the actual fuck? She said I could speak to a supervisor but that she wouldn’t be doing her job properly if she didn’t send the referral letter. I was horrified, asked her not to, she said she had to.

What the hell can I do. What will happen? Has anyone else been in this situation?? I’m shitting myself that I’ve gone for emotional support because I’ve got low mood and my husband and I have been rowing, and all of a sudden my husband is an abuser and my kids are being referred for safeguarding?

It feels totally beyond my control. I wanted help and what I’ve got is a huge problem. I wish I’d never bloody reached out obviously.

Any help or advice, please.

Urvi - people (?)

Yes not a PBP at all, been here years (decades?) under various usernames, penis beaker, Suzi Q’s fat Nan etc.

sadly situ is 100% genuine but changed usernames since posting a thread something like “is my partner abusive or not?” When someone came after me on a lighthearted thread about something else saying I had no right to comment because my personal life was obviously a mess.

This thread has been (is) so helpful. I hear there isn’t hopefully anything sinister in the referral although the sheer sound of it is alarming to me. It should be though, right? It should be a fucking wake-up call when a random stranger picks up abuse flags and wants to step in to protect your kids.

Sounds like there’s nothing I can do to stop the wheels now in motion. But I can be (guardedly) open about having nothing to hide and wanting the best for all of us, my kids most of all. I asked for support and I seem to be getting it, like it or not. It’s not the support I expected, and it feels brutal right now. But maybe this is the confirming call I need. My instincts aren’t wrong. This isn’t right.

Sounds like you've already had some good advice.
I have a lot of involvement with social services at work, you shouldn't be referred to the domestic abuse group without your consent, but even if she has got it wrong the referral won't do any harm and sometimes an outside perspective can be helpful, maybe let the referral run and take the opportunity for more conversation and support.

Child referral - you can't stop it. Likely if you went to a lot of effort to try and stop it this would just raise more concern. Unless very extreme things are going on nobody is coming to take your children, it's just a note of concern and unless there are several other notes it won't trigger much or anything.

Honestly we have families openly using class a drugs as 'functional drug users' and prostitution in the premises yet still the children live in the situation, all that has been triggered is weekly check-ins.

Possibly this could be quite a wakeup call for your partner - could this go one of two ways - any reasonable person would be absolutely horrified that someone could look at their actions in this way, causing a careful re-evaluation and major readjustment. Or 2) doubles down awful behaviour and a good message to you that this is a situation you really need to get out of.

If social services were checking in on my children because they were worried my behaviour was abusive then I would be appalled at how I had gotten myself into that place. I'd be horrified, wake up call doesn't cover it.

Any assessment should and would never vilify someone for reaching out for help - which you did. Well done x

Indeed.

It's infuriating to have your advice based on first hand experience dismissed like that.