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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Settle my inheritance row!

677 replies

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 15:41

Long story short, my parents signed their house over to me 10+ years ago, under the caveat that they could live there until the end of their days. This house is my inheritance, as stated in their will.
My mum passed away and my dad can’t afford to stay in the house or manage its upkeep any more. He has a disastrous relationship with money and is basically destitute.
I agreed to sell the house and buy a flat for him, to live in rent free, all he has to pay is his cost. He now demands money from me as I am making a profit from the sale of the house. I don’t want to give him any, it’s my inheritance! AIBU?

OP posts:
Everanewbie · 20/04/2023 09:24

Rosscameasdoody · 20/04/2023 09:21

to all who are criticising the OP as grabby and greedy. If you were gifted £250,000 by your parents and then years later, after your mother had died, your father asked for it back because his recklessness had run up massive debt, would you just hand it back ? Because it’s the same thing. The OP has profited, yes, but she’s honoured the commitment to keep a roof over her fathers’ head the best way she can. The alternative for him would have been financial ruin and homelessness. Instead he’s lived rent free ever since and the OP is doing her best to make sure that continues by buying a flat for him to live in and not giving i large sums of money to waste further.

Someone upthread commented ‘You are taking advantage of your parents. They made a mistake in signing the house over to you. I guess they thought they'd raised you better.’ I don’t understand where this came from because from where I sit, her mother made exactly the right decision in leaving this in the OP’s hand because she did ‘raise her better’ and she’s honoured the agreement to the letter.

Absolutely. 100%

cupofdecaf · 20/04/2023 09:32

If it was in your name legally because your mum knew he would waste it and given the chance he will waste it, I'd hang on to the money your mum wanted you to have.

Jk8 · 20/04/2023 09:43

sorry but yes. all money should be spent on him & whatevers left when he dies is your

if you dont want to pay the cost of downsizing but want to keep your house safe then unfortunately you need to pay into the upkeep of making it suitable for him to live in legally
you cant down size him at his expense (or even request) pocket the difference & still own the flat when he dies

Unfortunately your stuck here & might need to see a solicitor for your own sake

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 13:08

Jk8 · 20/04/2023 09:43

sorry but yes. all money should be spent on him & whatevers left when he dies is your

if you dont want to pay the cost of downsizing but want to keep your house safe then unfortunately you need to pay into the upkeep of making it suitable for him to live in legally
you cant down size him at his expense (or even request) pocket the difference & still own the flat when he dies

Unfortunately your stuck here & might need to see a solicitor for your own sake

If you read the post properly, she’s already sold the house and has bought a flat for her dad to live in. She clearly owns the property legally, demonstrated by her ability to sell it and buy another property with the proceeds. Her father’s objection is not to living in the flat, it’s that he sees the profit from the sale as his, and wants it. And given he’s the one whose irresponsible financial behaviour has forced this situation the OP would be mad to hand it over. As mentioned somewhere upthread, if this had been a substantial cash gift instead of property, and he had demanded the money back this far down the line, the replies would be very different. The OP has fulfilled and is continuing to fulfil her obligations to keep a roof over his head. There’s no obligation for her to give him the profits from the sale for him to effectively flush down the toilet along with the rest, when she’ll need them for the maintenance of the flat.

StoppinBy · 20/04/2023 13:59

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 08:06

If she does any of this her father will be homeless because he owes more money than the house is worth. If she gives him the proceeds his creditors will take it - same with putting a flat in his name. If you read upthread you’ll see why the house was gifted to OP - her dad is a waster.

Like it or not, money people earn throughout their life is theirs to do as they wish with.

Plenty of people either blow all their money or have none in the first place so their children don't inherit anything.

OP isn't worried about her Dad's finances, she just doesn't want to be left nothing.

WTF111 · 20/04/2023 14:44

Respectfully, "money grabbing" doesn't even come close. You are a thief who is stealing from her very alive father. You are also entitled, selfish, and delusional for writing this post, yet still convinced that you are in the right. I hope the same thing happens to you when you are old and alone, and have no one but your greedy thieving offspring.

friendsinplaces · 20/04/2023 14:56

It's such a shame that so many people can't be bothered to simply read the Op's posts on their thread before replying.

You've actually been pretty nice to your Dad, taking on ownership of the house and keeping a roof over his head. The alternative would inevitably have been that he'd have been out on the streets by now.
I think make your decision based on what you know your Mum would have wanted you to do. I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted you to give him a penny of the "profit" on your own property. The offer to buy a flat for him to live in is kind. If you do that then I'd say keep the ownership really clear and cover maintenance costs yourself, with him having a proper tenancy in place and paying for fuel etc.
Good luck to you, you didn't deserve the way that people have been attacking you here. I bet some of them were posting "be kind" all over the Net after Caroline Flack died.

friendsinplaces · 20/04/2023 14:58

Bear in mind also that the decision to sign the house over to Op wasn't just made by her father, it was her mother's wish as well.

Everanewbie · 20/04/2023 15:08

WTF111 · 20/04/2023 14:44

Respectfully, "money grabbing" doesn't even come close. You are a thief who is stealing from her very alive father. You are also entitled, selfish, and delusional for writing this post, yet still convinced that you are in the right. I hope the same thing happens to you when you are old and alone, and have no one but your greedy thieving offspring.

What a load of absolute rubbish. If you were given £250,000, would you just give it back because years later one of the two settlors wanted it back? Both mum and dad made a decision to assign her the house. She's gone above and beyond already.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 20/04/2023 15:10

Everanewbie · 20/04/2023 15:08

What a load of absolute rubbish. If you were given £250,000, would you just give it back because years later one of the two settlors wanted it back? Both mum and dad made a decision to assign her the house. She's gone above and beyond already.

But she's going to be quids in either way. It's pretty shit to let one of your parents struggle whilst sitting on a pile of money they made.

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2023 16:24

Hardly! As soon as DF's creditors get a sniff that he has cash they will be onto him quicker than you can say 'The Bailiffs are Coming'!

By keeping hold of the cash OP has some chance of keeping DF housed decently. The alternative is that he will be out on the street and no doubt looking to OP to house him. Either in a flat she would have to pay for or in her spare bedroom.

ITryHarder · 20/04/2023 16:42

I can't believe some of these posts that consider you to be a money-grabbing daughter. It's like they never actually read what you wrote.

Your parents gave you the house with the provision that they could live there till death. Your father hasn't died, but he also doesn't seem to have a problem with you selling the house and buying a flat for him to live in. It's the money he wants. Who's the money-grabber? You haven't mentioned his age or ability to work, whether retired, has a pension, whatever. Any income?

You say you don't really care about the money, but that he is the type who will squander it away. And if and when he does he may very well ask you for more. So offer to send him a reasonable monthly check allowance or have utilities put in your name and billed to you so these same people can't say you let your father starve or freeze to death. Then ignore his demands. If you still hold any love for him, send him a Father's Day card. The rest is up to him.

PerpetualNegativity · 20/04/2023 20:36

LetMeExplain · 05/04/2023 15:41

Long story short, my parents signed their house over to me 10+ years ago, under the caveat that they could live there until the end of their days. This house is my inheritance, as stated in their will.
My mum passed away and my dad can’t afford to stay in the house or manage its upkeep any more. He has a disastrous relationship with money and is basically destitute.
I agreed to sell the house and buy a flat for him, to live in rent free, all he has to pay is his cost. He now demands money from me as I am making a profit from the sale of the house. I don’t want to give him any, it’s my inheritance! AIBU?

Where to begin?

If the house was signed over to you, under the condition he lives there til death, then you broke the agreement. As such, he is entitled to the sale of the house. It's also YOUR responsibility to maintain upkeep as you are effectively the landlord of the house

What you "consider" to be your inheritance is irrelevant while he is still alive.

Finally, if your father is so destitute, you could have filed to be his conservator. All this looks like is you not waiting for him to die because you want the "inheritance" now. Utterly disgusting how you handled this

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 20:40

StoppinBy · 20/04/2023 13:59

Like it or not, money people earn throughout their life is theirs to do as they wish with.

Plenty of people either blow all their money or have none in the first place so their children don't inherit anything.

OP isn't worried about her Dad's finances, she just doesn't want to be left nothing.

And ‘like it or not’ the house was signed over to her legally. If it wasn’t hers, she wouldn’t have been allowed to sell it and downsize. Read the thread from the beginning and you’ll see she’s stuck to what her mum wanted from the beginning.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 20:41

WTF111 · 20/04/2023 14:44

Respectfully, "money grabbing" doesn't even come close. You are a thief who is stealing from her very alive father. You are also entitled, selfish, and delusional for writing this post, yet still convinced that you are in the right. I hope the same thing happens to you when you are old and alone, and have no one but your greedy thieving offspring.

And you either haven’t bothered to read her post and the thread, or you haven’t understood.

NalafromtheLionKing · 20/04/2023 20:53

It’s a sad situation, I am guessing that he is an alcoholic/gambler or similar.

If it were me, I would just leave him in the house and pay for the basic upkeep (assuming he is not trashing the place), perhaps also arranging for food deliveries. It sounds like giving him cash will not help his situation.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 20:54

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 20/04/2023 15:10

But she's going to be quids in either way. It's pretty shit to let one of your parents struggle whilst sitting on a pile of money they made.

Why is he struggling. ? OP has kept a roof over his head and in continuing to do so she’s doing what her mum wanted. The alternative would have been financial ruin and homelessness for him - which her mother knew, and which was why the house was signed over to OP. And I agree - if it had been a substantial cash gift, the replies here would be very different.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 20:59

PerpetualNegativity · 20/04/2023 20:36

Where to begin?

If the house was signed over to you, under the condition he lives there til death, then you broke the agreement. As such, he is entitled to the sale of the house. It's also YOUR responsibility to maintain upkeep as you are effectively the landlord of the house

What you "consider" to be your inheritance is irrelevant while he is still alive.

Finally, if your father is so destitute, you could have filed to be his conservator. All this looks like is you not waiting for him to die because you want the "inheritance" now. Utterly disgusting how you handled this

She hasn’t broken the agreement, she’s bought him a flat because he couldn’t cope with the upkeep of the house. So she’s completely honouring the commitment to keep a roof over his head. And that’s not what he’s objecting to - he sees himself as entitled to the profit from the sale. So if the OP hands it over, he’ll either spaff it up the wall or his creditors will take it. And she couldn’t file to be his conservator - they both legally signed ownership of the house over to the OP and the fact that she’s been able to sell it and buy a flat for him to live in is evidence of that. Without OP carrying out her mum’s wishes he would be penniless and homeless. Do you not get that this is a situation of his own making ? If he wasn’t financially feckless there would have been no need for the agreement in the first place.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 21:10

Jk8 · 20/04/2023 09:43

sorry but yes. all money should be spent on him & whatevers left when he dies is your

if you dont want to pay the cost of downsizing but want to keep your house safe then unfortunately you need to pay into the upkeep of making it suitable for him to live in legally
you cant down size him at his expense (or even request) pocket the difference & still own the flat when he dies

Unfortunately your stuck here & might need to see a solicitor for your own sake

Where on earth did you get this ? Where is the OP downsizing at his expense ? The house belongs to her - legally signed over by both parents to stop her waster of a father from losing it to his inability not to run up debt. How do we know that the OP hasn’t been responsible for the upkeep, and can no longer cope ? If downsizing and buying a flat for him to live in is the only way to keep a roof over his head, then that’s fine. She owns the flat - he lives in it for the rest of his life. She’s honouring the promise she made. Doesn’t mean she should give him the rest of the proceeds from the sale to piss up the wall the way he’s seemingly done with every penny he’s got his hands on. Not that he’d get the chance because his creditors would be lining up before it cleared his account. Let’s not lose sight of who it was that brought about the necessity for this agreement.

pam290358 · 20/04/2023 21:15

NalafromtheLionKing · 20/04/2023 20:53

It’s a sad situation, I am guessing that he is an alcoholic/gambler or similar.

If it were me, I would just leave him in the house and pay for the basic upkeep (assuming he is not trashing the place), perhaps also arranging for food deliveries. It sounds like giving him cash will not help his situation.

The OP has already sold the house and bought the flat. I suspect that she’s been paying for the upkeep of the house and can no longer cope with it. A lot of people not recognising that the ‘profit’ from the sale will probably be eaten up in the upkeep of the flat, given that her father wastes money on an industrial scale.

StoppinBy · 21/04/2023 03:39

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/04/2023 20:40

And ‘like it or not’ the house was signed over to her legally. If it wasn’t hers, she wouldn’t have been allowed to sell it and downsize. Read the thread from the beginning and you’ll see she’s stuck to what her mum wanted from the beginning.

I'm not sure how you've missed it but a majority of people are seeing this for what it is, a daughter with no morals taking advantage of a decision her parents made.

If OP has made a profit from the sale of tge house while her Dad is alive, in most people's mind she is obligated to either give it to her Dad or take care of him financially with that money.

Instead OP is screaming about how it's her inheritance so she's not giving him anything.

No one is owed an inheritance and it's a crappy thing to do to keep all the money while her Dad struggles to buy shopping and pay bills.

You are fighting pretty hard to prove her right but legalities aside, she is very, very wrong.

User1990C · 21/04/2023 07:17

If you're a solicitor, you're a very bad one.

Usufructuary is very common in Europe. It operates differently to life interest trusts here as the owner signs over their entitlement to any benefits to the usufructee for the duration of their life.

We're in a similar position of buying a house whilst also one of us "owning" another property with an attached usufruct. Guidance from our firm and HMRC is that we'd be considered remaindermen and not trigger higher SDLT rates.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 21/04/2023 08:04

StoppinBy · 21/04/2023 03:39

I'm not sure how you've missed it but a majority of people are seeing this for what it is, a daughter with no morals taking advantage of a decision her parents made.

If OP has made a profit from the sale of tge house while her Dad is alive, in most people's mind she is obligated to either give it to her Dad or take care of him financially with that money.

Instead OP is screaming about how it's her inheritance so she's not giving him anything.

No one is owed an inheritance and it's a crappy thing to do to keep all the money while her Dad struggles to buy shopping and pay bills.

You are fighting pretty hard to prove her right but legalities aside, she is very, very wrong.

I think the word ‘inheritance’ is fuelling the detractors. It’s not really an appropriate description is it ? The house wasn’t an inheritance, it was a gift. If it had been a cash gift and he was asking for it back the replies would be very different.

And I haven’t ‘missed’ anything, I just don’t happen to agree with the majority, a good proportion of whom can’t be bothered to read the OP’s posts properly - if they had, they would realise the property is already sold and her dad isn’t objecting to downsizing, he wants money from the profit as well and the only question the OP has asked is if she should give it to him. But in true MN fashion, people are painting the OP as grabby and selfish, while completely ignoring the fact that it’s not the OP who has put her dad in this position - he did that himself with his reckless spending.

So, based on the facts I don’t think the OP should give him any money as a lump sum. The likelihood is that his creditors will take it, or he’ll use it to get into more debt. The OP has told us he already owes more than the house is worth.

The OP’s mum was instrumental in setting up this agreement because she saw him for what he was and realised that, left to his own devices, he would make them homeless, so she put their assets in the OPs hands. If you read the OPs subsequent posts it seems clear that he has had income of his own at some point, as she says he can ‘no longer’ afford expenses. It’s also clearly stated that his reckless behaviour hasn’t changed, so if he’s wasted his own income instead of taking care of his responsibilities in the way of living costs, for which he has form, and which nearly cost them the house, he obviously hasn’t a shred of remorse and has no intention of changing. So why should the OP subsidise him ?

The OP has kept a roof over his head - the alternative for her dad would be homelessness and that’s where her obligation ends. Dealing with this level of financial abuse is exhausting and the OP has likely seen and felt its’ effects throughout her childhood. She’s still dealing with it years later, she’s trying to do the best for him but she doesn’t want the rest of the money squandered in the same way as every penny he’s ever had his hands on.

You wouldn’t reward a child with more money if they had wasted what they had. You’d want them to learn the value of money from their wastefulness. OP’s dad hasn’t learned so the last resort for the OP is to save him from himself and protect her own interests. I, for one, don’t blame her for not wanting to enable, or finance any more of his appalling irresponsibility. The OP isn’t the bad guy here, as much as some posters want her to be.

Ersorrywhatnow · 21/04/2023 08:56

Have you heard of elder abuse?

you’re a disgrace. Give him his house back so he can sell it, move somewhere smaller and not be financially dependent on you.

BishopRock · 21/04/2023 09:02

Elder abuse? I've heard everything now on this unhinged thread!

Thankfully a few people seem to have retained their senses.