The neighbours are going to hate us

[Potentialneighboursfromhell]

I've just signed for the keys for a flat for me and my DC, it's on the first floor of a small block. There are 8 or 10 flats in total.

I wasn't in a position to hang about hoping something on a ground level came up.

I have 3 DC one of which has autism and adhd.

I came to the new property today to drop off a few bits ahead of the big move next week. The kids were excited, running around.

A downstairs neighbour came up to see if everything was OK and what all the noise was (it was the kids running around - this being the first time they had seen the place and they were excited)

I explained and apologised, the neighbour was fine but I got a sinking feeling as soon as I closed the door. My children are going to drive that poor man and his family mad. DS especially. He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

I've been treading on egg shells the rest of the time we've been here. Telling the kids to "shh" and be quiet, take your shoes off so they don't hear you walking about, lower your voices, don't do this don't do that.

It's going to be hell for everybody. Kids included.

I've made a mistake haven't I? What the hell am I going to do now 😔

Well done for posting the letter OP, I’m sorry she has posted it back. It is a strange move but could have been worse.

Please ignore a lot of the helpful comments on here, you’re doing a great job and I hope things will settle down once the kids are more settled in their home and routines x

Well there's your answer OP.

Keep the letter filed and dated as you have done just in case.

Disconnect your buzzer.

Ignore them completely as if they don't exist.

No one can accuse you of not doing your level best here - it's been met with constant hostility - so crack on with living your life.

Definitely. That's my plan from now on, leave her to it. If she stops me on my way in or out I'll just say refer to the letter I posted.

What do you think the reason for posting it back was?

It just seems such a passive aggressive gesture.

It would wind me up so much I would not be keeping any noise down from now on (within the realms of normal family noise). But that’s me! You’ve really tried with them. I would think ‘screw them’.

Two possibilities to why:

1- she’s just an absolute dick.

2- she’s got herself massively over-wound up about ANY noise and did it because she’s lost her mind and had a manic moment.

I think 2 is likely. She keeps sending her partner up who seems far less bothered than her, yet he still keeps coming up (suggesting serious pressure). I remember once moving in somewhere where I lost my mind at any noise for the first few weeks (never said anything to neighbours tho). I lived there 2 years and after first month I just never noticed it anymore. You know when you just get a bit mad about something.

Now she can’t write you off as unreasonable as you’ve so clearly tried to be quiet. I think she’s honestly just spiralled. I am optimistic this will all calm down in a few weeks.

How bizarre to go to the effort of posting it back! Quite frankly at this point, I wouldn't be doing a single thing to accommodate the downstairs neighbours and would merrily be living my best life with the kids. Fuck them.

She’s likely posted it back so that she can keep complaining and say that you have done nothing , just ignore from now on , stop pandering to her . Personally I would copy the letter to your landlord so that they can see what has been done if any complaints come their way .

It's just such a dick move isn't it?

I've spoken to another neighbour who was equally as surprised by all of this as my next door neighbour was. This other neighbour said, and I quote, just tell her to F off she doesn't own the building.

I won't tell her to F off, unless she does something majorly upsetting ofc, but that's pretty much how I'm feeling now.

I haven't RTFT just your replies so apologies if this has been stated already. I'm a mam of 2 ASD kids so I know what you're dealing with in regards to meltdowns/noise etc. I'm also in temporary accommodation with walls that are millimetres thick but thank the Lord I have understanding neighbours! My reason for commenting is to advise you to get in touch with Social Services yourself. I was always afraid of them due to dealings when I was a child but due to leaving an abusive marriage they got involved not by my choice. They have been really helpful! Been in touch with my housing officer to try and help us get moved and assigned us to a disability social worker who has put in loads of support for the kids and for me. They can help with grants and all sorts. Don't be afraid and see it as an extra obstacle but as an avenue for help and support. Good luck OP x

Did she open it and read it or just return it unopened?

Tbh OP I'd say she posted it back because:

A) she went in hot at a 10 immediately with constant complaints, leaving her nowhere to go and immediately making it "a thing"

B) your letter laid out, very clearly:
I) that you sympathised with her
II) your situation
III) the many efforts you had made and were making to mitigate
IV) the negative effects her (piss poor) manner of dealing it were having on you

So therefore she absolutely knows now she is being unreasonable, posting the letter back puts her back in ignorance so she can carry on playing the victim and not confront the horrible way shes handled this.

I would say you won't be hearing much from her any more - she certainly won't be trying to rally any neighbours against you because all you'll need to do is show them the letter

In fact, giving it back to you was probably one of the silliest moves she could have made 🤣🤣

Enjoy your life OP

Posting it back is her way of telling you she is dismissing it/doesn't care what you have to say. Afterall, if she just put it straight in the bin, how would you know? This is doing the same thing but this way you are aware.

RE social services, I've tried on two separate occasions to get a disability social worker and was unable to. The threshold here is high and services are stretched and massively underfunded.

I don't think I need one at this point in time. DS can be hard work ofc he can but he's in school full time, the school are brilliant and I get a ton of support from them.

RE the letter - she definitely read it. It was posted back opened. All 3 pages were intact but the envelope was ripped to bits, to such an extent it wouldn't even hold a letter. Posting a ripped up envelope is just daft.

I'm actually quite offended and annoyed. The letter was reasonable, apologetic, understanding and offered an olive branch and suggestion we work together and make things work for everybody. What an arse.

I love this! Hope so! 😁

I couldn't have put that better myself 👏

The untold damage people like that can cause, just horrible.

Do you not think that’s really manipulative? The poor guy will likely end up feeling too guilty to complain about any bit of noise.

There has been a few updates since then.

I've ascertained that the guy doesn't care / isn't upset by any noise and is just being sent round by his wife/partner.

I sent a letter explaining, apologising again, letting her know what changes I've made and what I intend to do about it, asked that we work together to make everything work for everyone.

She posted the letter back to me this morning along with a ripped up envelope.

I'm not dealing with a decent person it seems.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but have some idea where you were coming from, we live next door to a little boy with similar problems, and ds had terrible meltdowns from 2-9 yrs old.
For all your sakes, you'd be better off if you were not strangers, I think. Would you consider asking them if they would like to start again, and if they would consider coming up to meet the family. It helped me when ds was little to have people knowing who he actually was. It helped also for us to understand the neighbours' problems with their ds. Things are much better now.

I'm really sorry you've not been able to get support from the SS, who knows if the b1tch downstairs does put a complaint in you may then make the threshold as you're being harrassed! I think you've been incredibly reasonable in the steps you've taken and in how you've addressed it with her, you've done more than I would've done (I wouldn't be out all weekend) so just ignore her now. I've seen you've spoken with other neighbours who have supported you and have no complaints so whilst I don't think you should be deliberately antagonist and start deliberately making noise (I don't believe you will do this btw) I do think you should stop walking on eggshells and just live your life. I also think you should log it with the council that this situation is occurring as it may help get you housed (long shot I know but if you get a few extra points for harassment it may move you up the list a few places) just ignore her, be polite in all future meetings and live as you would be living if she wasn't your neighbour

It's possible that they came up as the place is empty and they were just checking no one had broken in or anything xx

I've just been able to prove for absolute certain that they're the reason my flat stinks of cannabis, somebody is hanging out of their kitchen window directly underneath mine smoking a joint and the smell has pooled into my kitchen. Nice. And she has the nerve to accuse me of antisocial disturbance.

That could explain the paranoia.

Indeed!

I'm no prude. I had the occasional joint back in the day, but the stuff absolutely stinks.

The thing is when the guy came up the other day I actually raised the weed smell as I was pretty sure (but not certain) it was them smoking it underneath my kitchen window.

He stood there denying all knowledge, said he doesn't even smoke it and that they'd already complained to the property managers about a weed smell ages ago, so they're liars aswell as rude.

Stop pandering to them and make a formal complaint about their harassment and drug use.