The neighbours are going to hate us

[Potentialneighboursfromhell]

I've just signed for the keys for a flat for me and my DC, it's on the first floor of a small block. There are 8 or 10 flats in total.

I wasn't in a position to hang about hoping something on a ground level came up.

I have 3 DC one of which has autism and adhd.

I came to the new property today to drop off a few bits ahead of the big move next week. The kids were excited, running around.

A downstairs neighbour came up to see if everything was OK and what all the noise was (it was the kids running around - this being the first time they had seen the place and they were excited)

I explained and apologised, the neighbour was fine but I got a sinking feeling as soon as I closed the door. My children are going to drive that poor man and his family mad. DS especially. He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

I've been treading on egg shells the rest of the time we've been here. Telling the kids to "shh" and be quiet, take your shoes off so they don't hear you walking about, lower your voices, don't do this don't do that.

It's going to be hell for everybody. Kids included.

I've made a mistake haven't I? What the hell am I going to do now 😔

I'd hate to be yours!

I'm happy to have my loud dysfunctional neighbours who wouldn't dare go complaining about my autistic son's noise because they know if they did I'd suddenly be all over their drunken escapades, than some tightly wound type flinching every time a pin drops.

Mutually assured destruction FTW!

I like what PPs have said about getting rugs down, no shoes and softish toys - it's a flat, that's where you've ended up for now and that's where your neighbours have ended up also - and we all know that flats come with an increased chance of noise from neighbours. You're not throwing wild parties and you're not being unreasonable.

I think that's a bit of a red flag from the neighbour to come up and see what all the noise was about when you were just dropping stuff off - they've been in there with no neighbours quite comfortably up until now, and anyone moving in will have stoked their interest to say the least!

If you soundproof it as much as possible then you've done more than most would.

Ours does this. To close it quietly when I leave early for work I step outside, put the key in the lock and “unlock” which pulls the latch in, close the door and turn the key to lock it. An inconvenience but much quieter.

If you can't afford a carpet in a bedroom for a while it's worth looking on freecycle type places for people getting rid of decent ones when they redecorate. I've got a large piece of carpet from there before, and just cut it with a stanley knife to a reasonably close size and used it like a large rug.

No advice but solidarity. Had my thug of a neighbour threaten to 'knock me out' before over exactly the same issue.

The people complaining arent in the wrong. I have a nosiy neighbour (not caused by kids , but her playing loud music 24/7. I complained to the enviromental health dept about it (her house was privately rented), and was told that before they can do anything we have to complain to the person making the noise. We did this several times, she reported us to the police, and the police told us to keep complaing to her, because it is illegal to play music between the hours of 10 pm and 7am. In the end she had her music system removed from her.

I wouldn’t worry it’s not your fault ? They can move if they don’t like it , flats are always noisy.

We lived above best friends of ours. It was a great set up until my second child was born. Very high needs, health issues. Colic. Suspected ADHD. They just started ghosting us. Being super hostile. I will never get over how bad that made me feel. Whilst my mental health was crumbling for many other reasons. We actually left the area after that. I tied myself in knots trying to keep the kids quiet. It doesn’t work.

we live somewhere else now in a semi detached. I have 3 DC under 4. I can’t introduce myself to the neighbours. Cannot handle it.

They will hate you but please try not to worry. There’s nothing you can do about it. You are entitled to have enjoyment of your flat, as much as they are.

It's not the same but we lived in the first floor in a Victorian conversion with a Great Dane!!! And it was fine. You already sound considerate and conciliatory and that is a great foundation. Your kids won't be up all hours so it's not like they won't get any quiet time. Keep a good neighbourly dialogue going, be understanding and perhaps ahead of the game in terms of apologies if things get REALLY noisy and I think you'll be fine. Congratulations on the move, you sound like a responsible neighbor and a really wonderful mum and provider. X

I think they knocked as flat was empty and they wanted to check everything was ok. I wouldn't worry.

He shouts, screams, bangs - due to his disability. It can't be controlled not for want of trying. Lord knows it drives me round the bend too.

@Potentialneighboursfromhell Have you tried medication for him at all? It could relax him a bit. Or if he's already on a med, go back and try something new/a new dose?

I suppose it depends on exactly how loud they are. If they’re extremely loud very frequently I don’t know if the neighbours will just accept you saying ‘my child is neurodivergent’ and make no further comment. Noise is noise and it’s still very irritating no matter the reason.

Hopefully it’ll go better than you think and the neighbours will be understanding but I’d prepare for the worst (which you clearly are since you’re seeking advice on how to minimise the noise).

DS is prescribed melatonin for sleep which thankfully he responds really well to so he's never up late at night. He is at his most quiet from 7pm onwards. No bother at all. It's the (weekend) late mornings - afternoons that can be problematic.

I would consider medicating for the ADHD but he isn't yet formally diagnosed. He's 5 and they won't diagnose until 6, even though he fits the criteria to a tee and his SEN school agree he is textbook. His paediatrician won't prescribe for the ADHD until he's old enough to be diagnosed.

Why no thought to take a ground floor flat? Basic common sense. You know that the decision to house your group above another flat absolutely will be making these people's lives hell. Their anxiety of just being in their own home will be sky high. Your decisions have caused this.

I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of an explanation, perhaps read the sensible suggestions made by others as to why I would've taken on this flat.

On a brighter note I met the nextdoor neighbours today when I went back round with more stuff and they came across as chatty, nice folk.

And shouldn't neighbours be comfortable in their own homes ?

You are doing the right thing in laying down rugs and removing shoes. That is polite, as is using indoor voices and not having the TV turned up loudly.
Maybe you could cultivate a friendship with the downstairs flat.
Perhaps your noisy child could grow herbs and tomatoes, zucchinis etc in a planter and give them produce, bake them the occasional cake. When they learn to know of your child's personality and struggles they might become besties.
Neighbours, in general, watch out for each other so I expect that will be what every one in the flats is aiming for as the best outcome..

The kids were excited, running around.

sorry but you are U for letting them run around regardless. Normal household noise is one thing, but you should have the common sense to know people running inside a flat complex will make an uncomfortable racket for the people downstairs. You don’t live in a house unfortunately, you do live in a shared space and will need to consider these things.

I think you’ve set yourself up for failure here by being SO loud on your first day. Going forward, the neighbours will be alert for any noise and think “FFS” and complain. Luckily they can’t get you evicted but I can imagine the atmosphere will be awful until one of you leaves.

Not read most the thread but you can get those little stick on silicone dots that you usually use to put on cabinet doors to stop them banging. You can potentially put them on your front door to minimise the banging.

You can google them

DC all used them on flatmates halls when they were at Uni.

Don't give the neighbours your number, complaining by text is so easy and people who are prone to it will have a field day. It actually sounded to me from the OP that he wasn't actually complaining about the noise, just came to see what was going on. If you start off terrified, you'll make yours and the dc's lives miserable. Do all the stuff you have suggested about trying to reduce the sound (rugs etc) and see how you get on. You've only met the bloke once, you've no idea what sort of neighbour HE will be in terms of noise either so just see how it goes! Good luck.

As someone with a neighbour who has 18 dogs at times (puppy breeders) and 2 kids in a terraced house with no garden, the dog noise 24 hours a day drives me insane but the kids noise/baby crying doesn't make me mad as that can't be helped and they're not doing it on purpose.

Whilst I agree with other posts about minimising the noise as much as you can, the downstairs neighbours are unreasonable to expect no noise at all. They knew there would be upstairs neighbours, who are entitled to walk around and live their normal lives, before they moved in so they can't expect/demand complete silence

I think some of these comments are really unhelpful. You have what you have and congratulations on moving in. It sounds like you've had a bit of a journey getting to this point. We lived above neighbours with two (one has ASD and ADHD). We know we were noisy and reinforced certain rules. If we had a particularly bad meltdown- we would leave a treat on our downstairs neighbours doorstep like wine or biscuits. Seemed to help them tolerate us! We put big rugs everywhere and beanbags and hangings to absorb sound. Good luck in your new home and remember it is your home too. You shouldn't feel the need to tread of eggshells the whole time.

Just have the key in, turn it and close it quietly. Should be fine

the downstairs neighbours are unreasonable to expect no noise at all.

they haven’t said this though. OP admits her family was particularly noisy which is why he came up.

@StressedToTheMaxxx

it would take more than some ‘Easter cornflake nests 'from the children', to appease most people in this situation. Plus no one eats any thing made by other people’s kids cos germs.

just put underlay down from the start and stop your “manipulation” - it’s crap advice for the op

Have you directed your comment to the wrong person?

It's weird how many posters are saying you should get a groud floor flat.
The markets hard as it is, well done for getting anything. At the end of the day if u live in a flat you know what you get. You prefer more but that's what detached houses are for.

If you're really worried, you can go round with a gift basket and explanation and tell them you will always do your best to keep the noise down but life happens, and if your flat is loud because of a meltdown all they can do is ride it out....and (if you want) know that they'll be a box/ pack of chocolates with them by the wkend🤷‍♀️