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Original poster

To think this is so cheeky?

679 replies

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 09:10

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 06/04/2023 13:47

BrutusMcDogface · 05/04/2023 09:32

I’d just reply with something like “I’m dying to try the new Chinese too, so let’s say 7pm there? Hope to see you but don’t worry if you can’t make it.”

I wonder what the other group members are thinking?

'Maybe' see you ... But hope? Neeeeyope.

Funny ideas of manners some people have. For eg., until reading this site I had no idea adults giving up their train seats for kids was even an expected practice these days.

Let them expect. People can expect whatever they want. They can knock themselves out getting all angsty, overtly or passively aggressive when they don't get it.

Still doesn't mean others are obliged to give it to them.

SerafinasGoose · 06/04/2023 13:55

I really agree with this, I'm not getting involved at all. I know she messaged another couple of group members last night too but neither of them responded. I think that's best and we'll just leave it at that.

Well played. Fire needs fuel, heat and air to keep going; deprive it of oxygen and it will soon fizzle out. No response is a response, but if people refuse to engage it leaves her with nowhere else to go and she'll have no option but to stop.

There was a gobsite in my department once, who moved from colleague to colleague trying to bully them with rudeness as often as she could. Whenever she tried it with me I'd simply turn my back on her, walk off, and leave her in mid-flow. Nothing could have made her more furious, but in the process I kept my nose clean and my reputation intact.

Some people would stir up trouble in an empty room if they could. The only way to win with these types is not to play.

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2023 14:03

Crumpetdisappointment · 06/04/2023 10:14

tie her shoe laces together op

😂

Soloohyes · 06/04/2023 14:04

I actually feel sorry for her. She obviously wants to be part of a group and make friends but has absolutely no idea how to appropriately go about this, and I would guess is in a very unhappy mental state which is causing her to have no idea she is behaving badly and is causing her to nurse a sense of victimhood and grievance.

It’s good you are all being well boundaried. I imagine she will drop out of the group altogether.

But I don’t buy the narrative that she’s just a cheeky mare. I just don’t believe that people act in these extraordinary and ultimately self-destructive ways unless they have serious unresolved issues of their own.

Countdown2023 · 06/04/2023 14:07

She can always try another running group that meets her requirements.

She is not forced to stay at yours and if she wants she can always set up her own group with her rules.

Soloohyes · 06/04/2023 14:10

herlightmaterials · 06/04/2023 09:57

Her issues.

She sounds very unhappy.

I agree.

FeetupTvon · 06/04/2023 14:20

She is an attention seeker.
Totally ignore her.

mariaantonia · 06/04/2023 14:30

I've noticed over the years how social groups will occasionally attract these characters who think everything should be run in a way that suits them personally, and claim they're not being welcomed when they can't have their own way. I run a local interest group and we get one from time to time. In my experience they tend to flounce when they don't get what they want.

Please leave the woman alone, there really is no need to bring Princess Megann in this conversation.

JinnyTCat · 06/04/2023 14:30

redskylight · 05/04/2023 10:54

Just to offer a different opinion - she's new to the group, she doesn't know how things work in "your" group yet. Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt?

I have plenty of groups of friends where it would be perfectly reasonable to respond to "anyone fancy a meal out next week" with "nar, I'm skint, can we all come round yours instead?". And actually what tends to happen in that case is that whilst I'm "hosting" everyone turns up with wine, chocolates and nibbles, it's absolutely no bother for me, other than putting some things in the dishwasher at the end of the night, and I end up with the leftovers :)

If she had a similar idea in mind, then can't see that it's particularly CF. And if you have members in your group that can't afford to eat out, maybe you should consider some alternative social events that don't involve them having to do so?

I've got friendship groups like that too, but it's people who know each other really well- I can't imagine inviting 7 acquaintances to someone else's I barely know, then doubling down when politely informed that's not the plan. (It's the last bit and what followed I find especially rude- the initial comment might as you say be a faux pas.)

PyjamaFan · 06/04/2023 14:32

bringincrazyback · 06/04/2023 12:12

This woman sounds like such a CF and just generally socially clueless. I'm wondering if she's neurodiverse, but even if she is, that's no excuse whatsoever for acting so rudely.

I've noticed over the years how social groups will occasionally attract these characters who think everything should be run in a way that suits them personally, and claim they're not being welcomed when they can't have their own way. I run a local interest group and we get one from time to time. In my experience they tend to flounce when they don't get what they want.

I've had this experience too. I used to host a lot of events for a local meetup group.

Every so often someone would join and try and change things to how they thought it should operate.

I just used to reply to their suggestions by offering to make them an event host (this position allows people to create events on the meetup calendar). But they didn't want the hassle of that, they wanted me to put on events to suit them.

And then they would flounce off complaining about how nasty or unwelcoming we all were, or trying to accuse us of ageism or something.

This might be what happens next in your running group, OP.

Scylax1986 · 06/04/2023 14:36

NEmama · 05/04/2023 09:13

"we're all busy so we go out to eat. Maybe you can make the next one"

This is such a good way to put it. I actually created an account having been sent to this post from FB because I can’t believe anyone would be so rude and pushy. Definitely needs to be nipped in the bud or she’ll ruin the setup for everyone permanently.

whynotwhatknot · 06/04/2023 15:03

shes off her rocker-how is it unfriendl to say no we usually go out to eat?

shes the one rolling her eyes at it and making stupid comments

BlueHeelers · 06/04/2023 15:44

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

You might point out t her that you didn't "invite" - you suggested a group get together. You could say that to her, and perhaps mention that what you suggested is normal for this group.

She sounds a bit annoying, tbh.

youhavenoshameonyourface · 06/04/2023 16:18

She sounds like a nightmare.

If she actually wanted to socialise but couldn't afford it she could have offered a 'bring a dish' type get together at her own place.

She'll be the bane of your group given half a chance. Imagine how awkward it will be for everyone if she actually turns up at the meal next week!

VWHoliday · 06/04/2023 16:29

Soloohyes · 06/04/2023 14:04

I actually feel sorry for her. She obviously wants to be part of a group and make friends but has absolutely no idea how to appropriately go about this, and I would guess is in a very unhappy mental state which is causing her to have no idea she is behaving badly and is causing her to nurse a sense of victimhood and grievance.

It’s good you are all being well boundaried. I imagine she will drop out of the group altogether.

But I don’t buy the narrative that she’s just a cheeky mare. I just don’t believe that people act in these extraordinary and ultimately self-destructive ways unless they have serious unresolved issues of their own.

Maybe.

I was thinking more she had a massive drink or drugs problem but you're thoughts are kinder.

VWHoliday · 06/04/2023 16:31

Your thoughts

Forgooodnesssakenow · 06/04/2023 16:40

Reply 'god no, Im suggesting this so I DONT have to cook, not so I can do extra cooking 😂, Chinese or Italian?'

BlueHeelers · 06/04/2023 16:54

She'll be the bane of your group given half a chance.

Particularly as she seems to operate by cosying up to the men of the group, and trying to get her way by playing "ooo the girlies are sooo mean."

I really dislike women that do that.

strawberry2017 · 06/04/2023 17:44

Think it's likely she will be looking for a new group soon, she's causing to many issues! X

Madamum18 · 06/04/2023 17:50

WillowtreeHouse · 05/04/2023 13:20

She's responded with a rolly eye emoji. One of these > 🙄.

I'm ignoring it completely, I really can't be bothered with any drama. It's a really nice group of people and although I always try to make any newcomer feel welcome (I was a newbie a few years ago), I'm not engaging with this shit.

The fact that she responded with a rolly eye emoji suggests she is seriously socially inept and unaware OR she is just plain rude and wants her own way!

The fact that she has since approached the only bloke in the group screams that she is a rule and divider and a troublemaker!

Manage her as a group. It just might be worth bloke responding to say the group is very welcoming but just to explain that the system has always been that you meet at a local restaurant not in each others houses. But that is up to him.

ewright86 · 06/04/2023 18:04

I can’t believe how rude she’s been.
shut that shit down for sure.

TolkiensFallow · 06/04/2023 18:06

Oh my goodness- I can’t believe the update! So unaware!

on the flip side you clearly have a cracking running group!

Do let us know if she turns up to the Chinese but beware, she sounds the type that will eat all the shared dishes but not pay as “she didn’t order them”

Bekstar · 06/04/2023 18:06

Just reply "I didn't invite and I won't host at this time. That's not what I asked. I asked if anyone wanted to meet up and some have agreed. If your unable to join us that's a shame but you're more than welcome but looking at those who are attending and the suggestions made we will be meeting at (Chinese). Hosting at my home was never mentioned and from my experience with the group has never been an issue.

Aaaaandbreathe · 06/04/2023 18:18

Soloohyes · 06/04/2023 14:04

I actually feel sorry for her. She obviously wants to be part of a group and make friends but has absolutely no idea how to appropriately go about this, and I would guess is in a very unhappy mental state which is causing her to have no idea she is behaving badly and is causing her to nurse a sense of victimhood and grievance.

It’s good you are all being well boundaried. I imagine she will drop out of the group altogether.

But I don’t buy the narrative that she’s just a cheeky mare. I just don’t believe that people act in these extraordinary and ultimately self-destructive ways unless they have serious unresolved issues of their own.

It's one thing being unhappy and feeling left out or finding social interactions difficult... it's another being overly rude and demanding things then going to others in the group to try and have a bitch about the OP.

Personally she sounds like a bit of a bully who is used to getting her own way. It's the OP I feel sorry for as she's the one feeling bad despite doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Biker47 · 06/04/2023 18:36

Anyone else think if the OP had capitulated and agreed to host, the CF would be the type of person to turn up empty handed, with her partner, kids, Aunt Margaret and the 2 dogs.

Getting strong vibes that she'd wait for everyone else to take turns hosting, then when it came time for her to host herself, she'd slink off into the abyss never to be seen again.