To think this is so cheeky?

[WillowtreeHouse]

I'm on a group chat for a running group. There are around 10 of us on this group but people dip in and out depending on job/life etc. Sometimes new people join the group, some leave, and we go out for dinner about once every 4 months or so and it's a nice way for everyone to get together (if they want). Sometimes there are 10 people there, sometimes 2 it just depends on how busy people are. Any one of us will suggest getting together, no one is 'in charge' of the group.

Last night I posted a message to see if anyone fancied meeting up for dinner/drinks next week. A couple of people replied 'sure, what about the new Chinese etc' and a few more people responded with a yes, some with a no, the usual stuff.

One woman, who I've only met once because she joined a month ago and we've never run at the same time since, (the group meet twice a week, I always try to make one of them) said 'I can't afford dinner out, let's just go to Willow's since she suggested the get together'.

I don't want to host 7 people at my house on a Wednesday night. I didn't invite everyone to mine and the fact that she said she can't afford it suggests that she expects me to pay for everything - which I would if I invited people round, but I haven't. I fancied paying £15 for the Chinese buffet and being home by half nine!

Another member said we always just meet for dinner somewhere, it's easier for everyone that way. To which she has responded with a snippy 'if you invite, you host'.

I haven't responded yet - I will - but I absolutely do not want to host. I just think this is really fucking rude?

She intends to impose her will so that group meet-ups are fully on her terms and according to her preferences.

"Now that I'm the leader of the group, I've decided that we will all take turns to host and pay for the others at our homes, so it will all work out fairly overall for everybody. Oh, and I probably don't need to clarify, as it will be obvious, but I will not be on the hosting list, of course.... because I will be too busy doing.... erm.... leadery-kind of tasks and stuff and that."

I can picture her getting more and more annoyed when no one responses

Is anyone else picturing this woman as Amanda from Motherland?

I think freezing her out is the best way forward. Imagine the fuckerage that would follow if she got a foothold !! When someone shows you who they really are, believe them, and the sneaky messages to other members are clear proof of who she is.

Your and your friends are handling this very maturely, I commend you!
It's easy on MN to suggest silly / PA / mean retaliations, but ultimately all that does is bring you down and allow her to play the victim. It sounds like you're all on the same page, ignore her BS.

Me neither, the op and her group have handled it perfectly. They have shown a United front, politely corrected her and not engaged further. Yes it’s not all drama and agro but it’s handled perfectly.

some folks are even drafting paragraphs to be sent.

I love how united your group are. They have your back and aren’t you aren’t going to end up being bullied into hosting. She is an incredibly cheeky mare! Hopefully she’ll decide she doesn’t want to run with you all now!

I don't agree with the suggestion of starting a new Whatsapp group without her in it - she would be justified in feeling victimised if she found out.

Just ignore her and carry on doing what you're doing. She'll HATE it but she will have no comeback

Yep. It's fun to compose witty and snarky replies in your head but the best way to deal with this people is almost always to ignore them. It drives them crazy but you maintain your dignity.

No, I don't think it would be a good idea to allow her to change the dynamic.

Plus, if she did agree to that (highly unlikely though it may be) she will be very confident in her assertions next time, "Well I hosted at my house last time so, come on, who is hosting the next get-together at their own house?" And that's not the way the group wants to do things.

It might not be practical for people to 'host' in their own homes, for tons of reasons! It could be disruptive to the other inhabitants, or you might live alone in a small bedsit with not enough seating for a large group, you might not want to have to tidy up to entertain guests, might not want to be responsible for cooking for people with various food preferences/ possible allergies.

And even if none of those reasons apply to anyone in the group, not bloody wanting to is enough reason in itself! If makes more sense to meet at an external venue, order what you want, each pay for your own then go home when it suits.

Wow - she is taking this to a whole new level by sending individual messages to people in the group. Not sure what she is expecting. She is doing herself no favours by trying to divide and conquer - which is obviously not working out well for her.

BTW OP the way you are handling this in a very mature way and the fact that the others have your back is perfect. That way no one can accuse you or any other members of being a bully or something similar. She was invited and couldn't afford it, so fine don't come.

What is she wanting all of them to do - force you to host at your house?

Which you won't be at, because you will be at the Chinese Restaurant.

Who brought her into the group? Do they have any insights into her bonkers behaviour?

Next run is Saturday morning, there's normally one on a Wednesday night too but so many people are away just now it didn't happen.

I'm not sure exactly what she said but along the lines of 'some of the group' not being very welcoming.

Expectations, much???

I think you and the group have handled it perfectly, @WillowtreeHouse , no need for any of the clever/funny/insulting texts suggested here.

But to whoever it was castigating “bring and share” gatherings, my village has been doing this kind of thing for the 24 years we’ve lived here, and it’s a very cost-effective way of getting together. One neighbour just brings half a packet of biscuits, but everyone else enjoys doing one dish at a fraction of the cost of going out for a meal. The “host” usually provides some booze and soft drinks, and yes, gets a full fridge at the end of the night to sustain them for the next week as their reward.

This woman sounds like such a CF and just generally socially clueless. I'm wondering if she's neurodiverse, but even if she is, that's no excuse whatsoever for acting so rudely.

I've noticed over the years how social groups will occasionally attract these characters who think everything should be run in a way that suits them personally, and claim they're not being welcomed when they can't have their own way. I run a local interest group and we get one from time to time. In my experience they tend to flounce when they don't get what they want.

I know she messaged another couple of group members last night too but neither of them responded.

Narcissist triangulation tactic there.

Lovely that the group has got your back - they sound like keepers!

Another one here saying they sound like a lovely group and you all obviously get on and have respect for each other. I don't think the CF is going to get the attention she is clearly craving!

This is a fair point a few could reply that this is how it's normally done, maybe she'll understand better and realise that the OP isn't unfriendly.

This person has come to the conclusion that you are unfriendly based on the fact that you won't host a meal at your house.

Maybe used to getting their own way and doesn't like to be told different.

I really think you should all (continue) to just drop the rope on this one. She cannot continue this nonsensical 'conversation' if no-one engages with her. Don't give her the opportunity to continue to argue her point, it is what she wants.

The group dynamic obviously works well as it is, just continue as you would normally do and treat her as an irritating fly that has to be swatted away and ignored.

Maybe used to getting their own way and doesn't like to be told different.

I doubt she is used to getting her own way but agree she doesn’t like to be told different - so tries to be divisive and subversive in groups - but will likely flounce off to another group once she doesn’t achieve the disruption she craves.

But to whoever it was castigating “bring and share” gatherings, my village has been doing this kind of thing for the 24 years we’ve lived here, and it’s a very cost-effective way of getting together. One neighbour just brings half a packet of biscuits, but everyone else enjoys doing one dish at a fraction of the cost of going out for a meal. The “host” usually provides some booze and soft drinks, and yes, gets a full fridge at the end of the night to sustain them for the next week as their reward.

Was that referring to my post? No, I agree with you that bring & share events can work brilliantly and fairly for everybody; but it all depends on people's intentions.

I'm talking about people who will deliberately engineer it so that others will provide a planned huge excess of everything - food and drink that they may put straight into their own fridge/freezer/cupboard, never to see the light of day until all the guests are gone - for the sole purpose of taking advantage of others whilst still boasting about how wonderful they are.

That's completely different from a community-minded person who wants everybody to have a great time, kindly offers their home/garden as a venue and then ends up with the leftovers when everybody has had their fill, for their trouble and some quick meals whilst they clear up the aftermath!

Ah, fair enough, @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll (great username for the subject!).

This is great advice.