Going on holiday with adult dd.

[adultdds]

Do people go on holiday with their young adult kids?

DD's always wanted to come away with us and we paid until they turned 18. Now they still want to come even tho they are in their early twenties. We can't afford to pay for them anymore but we find it's so much more expensive if they come with us. We still have two younger dd to pay for.

For example this year eldest dd is travelling she wanted to meet us abroad for a week. We agreed March (although we prefer to go abroad later in year that didn't fit with dd schedule) we rented a villa and paid half, dd's and their partners paid other half . We all covered our own flights. But we paid for a larger transfer, we ended up paying for a lot of the costs of the week- food , trips etc. normally we wood have a few pool days but water was freezing so wasn't really an option. So as a result it's cost us about £500 more than we usually spend whilst here. They also want a say in what we are doing as it's their hol too. But what they want to do isn't always child friendly. I just find it really stressful. They are not childiren going along with what parents budget is. But none of them work full time yet (dd's or partners) so they can't fully contribute either. Yet I know we are lucky they enjoy being with us.

Do other people go away with adult children when you can't afford to treat them.?

If you can't afford to pay for your grown children, or even just don't want to, you need to discuss that with them upfront when it topic comes up. Maybe tell them it sounds great but you can't afford to pay for everyone so you need them to contribute their portion?

I often fork out for grown children but would just tell them if I needed them to pay their share. It's then their choice if they want to go on those terms.

If they go and do child unfriendly things, tell them that doesn't work for the younger kids but you'll catch them later. Just talk about things, but be clear up front so there are no surprises for anyone.

Choose something cheaper - I will be delighted if mine want to holiday with us at that age.

Yes, we do. DC are 23 and 19 {both at Uni) and still have the option to come with us. I will try to get a week which fits in with all of us, and we pay. We really get along as a family.

However DH and I are also starting to go away just us as well.

Sorry, misread. We don't invite partners and wouldn't pay for them.

Thank you, yes we tried to be clear upfront. For example we said we would get a good shop but they kept chucking loads of extras in trolley so we ended up spending about £250 euros plus eating out several times! It's hard because we know they don't have loads of money but at same time we want to treat younger dc (as we did older ones when they were young) but we are having to treat little ones less because of older ones.

That's the other issue it's another 2 adults! Probably would be less of a problem if they hadn't come. (I fear we have set a precedent now)

Boyfriends might be different but I always invite my son-in-law if I'm inviting my DD to something like this. He is part of the family and I wouldn't want to leave him out and make him feel less than.

This is difficult.
Whilst I appreciate you have younger children you want to focus your finances on todays economy really isn’t forgiving of the ‘you’re 18 now off you pop’ financial attitude of yesteryear.

Having multiple children at different age stages always leads to situations like this but I would argue that ‘we want to treat younger DD’s like we did them’ is a pointless argument, when your younger ones are your current elders age you won’t have any younger ones coming through so suspect you’ll be able to do much more with them as young adults. ‘Equality’ isn’t black and white.

So as a result it's cost us about £500 more than we usually spend whilst here.
That;s not DD's fault, it's yours for changing your plans to fit in with her. Just like the pool water being too cold because you changed to March.

Do other people go away with adult children when you can't afford to treat them.?
Other people aren't the point, Whatever other people do doesn't affect the fact that you are uneasy & over-burdened by the current arrangement.
You have to woman up & say you can no longer afford to semi-subsiduse them, as you are now ensuring that your younger DC get the same child-focused holidays that DD used to have with you.

You can consider an adults holiday together when they are working full time & able to make some of the compromises, rather than expecting you to, to your own & younger DC's detriment. I doubt DD is aware of all this though, as you seem to have been stewing rather than communicating it to her, so you might find that she gets it & responds entirely reasonably.

Or the older ones will still be coming away with their children in tow!!

If it's a struggle financially then no, of course you shouldn't feel obliged to treat your adult DC (& certainly not their partners!) ... we have an adult DS and whilst we might choose to take him on holiday I absolutely wouldn't take a partner as well. But people do things differently... I have friends who take their adult DC away, treat them excessively and then complain that they take everything for granted. Make your expectations very clear before you go away.
Personally I never went away with my DPs on holiday once I reached my teens .. it just wouldn't have seemed 'cool' to me and it's pretty obvious, from observing my friends and their adult DC that there are expectations around parents paying for a lovely trip to Greece rather than camping in the Yorkshire Dales (for example) ... I don't think it's always about the DC wanting to spend 'quality time' with their DPs.... more about having a cheap holiday but parents clinging on to the idea that their adult DC really want to be with them .....some parents see a bit desperate to keep on holidaying with their DC.

I largely suspect that one of my ACs in particular chooses to join us on holidays precisely because he's subsidised and has a trip he couldn't/wouldn't otherwise fund.
We have an absolutely great time and I wouldn't do it if I couldn't afford it and didn't love seeing him.
But i do wonder if your AC are like him and have more mercenary motives other than spending time with dear old mum.
So don't feel guilty about putting your foot down.

I think you have not made your boundaries clear. You need to say something about the supermarket shop as they were loading your trolley, why didn't you stop them if it was am issue? Either go shopping for food yourself and let them go to buy their own snacks separately or ask for £X to put in the kitty. If they want to go trips or activities that don't work for all say you'll do you own things that day so they have their fun but pay for themselves that day and you aren't paying for the rest to tag along. If you want to eat out invite them to join you but make it clear they are paying for their share.

I'm not sure I could live like that though, I would just downgrade things that cost money and treat them all the same.

My almost 18 year old DD has said she's always coming with us lol. I'll include her while my youngest 14DD is coming, they get on so well, and she keeps her mood balanced for me, so really it's totally worth it for us. After that i said they're welcome to come, but we're doing what we want and going where we want. That will be the condition if they'd like to come. Wouldn't pay for boyfriends to come.

I have a colleague with three dds. 2 are married and are late 20'sand one is about to finish uni and has a long term partner.

My colleague still ends up picking up the bill when they go out. Even when he tries saying to the married daughter 'I'm not paying/you need to pay your way etc, inevitably he pays. He has paid for a huge villa for a holiday for them all this year.

He says it's difficult as he can't expect his youngest and her BF to pay as they are at uni, but his older dds expect that because sis is paid for, they should be too.

He should have made a stand with oldest either at an age, when she started work or at least when she got married. He didn't and is in a hard place now.

My mum stopped paying anything for us as soon as we left school. Not that we had many holidays, but even at college I wasn't included in any weekends away etc and at uni I my nana paid for everyone to go to Spain but not me as I was an 'adult'.

My in laws have paid for half our uk hols when they came with us for years but we paid our own way or 50/50 while there (we had 2 children but the costs were minimally more for 3 bedrooms compared to 2).

I couldn't imagine being an adult and being paid for by my parents.

It's always nice to spend time together as a family, even if your kids are grown. If you can't afford it then you need to be upfront about it.

As a young adult I still went on several holidays with my parents, all paid for by them. They always refused any monetary contribution from me, but I would have been happy to pay my share. Now I'm the one inviting them on holidays with my family and we pay for them. If we want to do kids activities that they are not keen on, we spend the day apart and maybe meet back up for dinner, it's totally fine! You don't have to spend all your time on holiday together.

DH and I used to holiday with PILs pre-DC when we were in our early 20s and I have many fond memories of those times.
I would never have dared to go throw stuff in their trolley as we went round the supermarket and we took it in turns to cook in the evening, paying for the food if it was our turn. Your older DCs should be treated as other adults to split the cost/responsibility of the holiday with.

Why are you not saying anything? You can't communicate properly, why is that?

One nice thing which you could do about the food is each person / couple has a night that they are responsible for buying and cooking the food.

You can still include your younger children in this plan, and they can cook one of the nights too.

Then have one or two meals out which you pay for for everyone.

I went on holiday with my parents until I was about 23/24. Feel a bit sad that it stopped (now 30) in some ways but life moved on and all three of us “kids” have partners and there are grandchildren as well now so it wouldn’t be practical.

I would say you probably have about 1-2 more years of this and then it won’t be feasible for whatever reason so just enjoy it! My mum would kill to have us all go on a massive family holiday again 🙈

We do periodically go away (this country) with my fiancé’s family and always to the same place. We pay for our own room and transport but his parents usually pay for most things when we are out there and one year we even got given spending money. They aren’t well off but they like to treat us and appreciate that they are fortunate to have kids and kids partners that want to spend time with them

I've gone on holiday with my parents (and DH once he became a serious bf) throughout my teens and twenties. We just came back from one last week and I'm 33. Generally my parents pay the accommodation costs and we cover our flights and hire car. We'd pay ourselves for access to any sites or sometimes for everyone if its something we had suggested. We would also either do a food shop, or back when we were earning less we'd have bought the alcohol whilst parents bought the food. Any special treats like chocolate which aren't shared by the family are self bought.
We would usually so pay for a meal out for everyone during the time away.
This works for us and my parents can afford it.
However, we also go away with my IL and money is more tight with them which is absolutely fine. We tend to holiday in the UK and we go even split on the accommodation. We would pay a set amount towards food and tend to plan cheaper or free activities.

Both are fine, and we go based on what we can afford as a couple, and have done through our 20s. But we can only do that so long as communication is up front and open. If your DD is putting extras in the trolley, say oh do you mind keeping that separate? Or prearrange for them to buy any drinks (alcoholic or soft), or say they will contribute 20% to each shop etc.
If they know the rules in advance its their choice if they go or not.
I'll be honest and say if in my 20 I had to contribute more to my parents holidays I would have gone less. Not just because I wanted a cheap holiday, but because I couldn't afford to go more. For my parents having that time with me and my now DH was worth the cost to them (but lime I say they could afford it). You have to decide what is your priority.
Regarding days out, you don't have to be together 24/7 just because you're on holiday together! If it doesn't work for the younger kids say so - have a nice time and we will see you for dinner. Equally you don't have to eat out together all the time.

A family friend also has a similar issue, they have 3 children, 21,15 and 10 yo so a wide age gap but they still always end up paying for the 21 year old. They always go on holiday when it suits them though (usually school holiday because of the younger ones which also falls into uni holiday) however even though the 21yo works part time, she just won’t pay a penny. To be fair, she buys a things for her siblings during the holiday like treats etc and they younger ones love her for this and she does not come with her boyfriend.
When they go away this year, they plan to have some couples time so they told her she’ll look after the younger ones some days and she’s happy to do that, basically that’s her way of paying.
I’ll also have a similar age gap when the time comes but I don’t know how I’ll navigate that part.

Yes I get that. We have a bit of that with the eldest who has finished uni )having a gap year) and the second eldest who is still at uni. Then there's the bfs who I don't think we should pay for!

I mean I think it's actually not as much disparity between who pays for what - you paid half of the villa, they paid half of the villa - but there's four of you and two of them? Paying for your own flights is equal as everyone is just paying for themselves. Is that £500 extra you think you spent when there not party offset by the fact you should have paid 2/3 of the villa cost as there had been 4 of you vs 2 of them? How young are your two other DC that you need to plan child friendly activities?

I've gone on holiday as an adult with both my parents and my in-laws! I've paid for my own flights / accommodation / chucked a share into the kitty for general bits for villas and then we normally either pay for the whole meal / activity etc when out or split it but it evens up over the holiday. Not since before covid although MIL is currently nagging for us to take them away as a "treat", not sure how we will navigate that one as she is expecting a fully funded long term holiday for her and FIL which isn't quite the same 😂