Going on holiday with adult dd.

[adultdds]

Do people go on holiday with their young adult kids?

DD's always wanted to come away with us and we paid until they turned 18. Now they still want to come even tho they are in their early twenties. We can't afford to pay for them anymore but we find it's so much more expensive if they come with us. We still have two younger dd to pay for.

For example this year eldest dd is travelling she wanted to meet us abroad for a week. We agreed March (although we prefer to go abroad later in year that didn't fit with dd schedule) we rented a villa and paid half, dd's and their partners paid other half . We all covered our own flights. But we paid for a larger transfer, we ended up paying for a lot of the costs of the week- food , trips etc. normally we wood have a few pool days but water was freezing so wasn't really an option. So as a result it's cost us about £500 more than we usually spend whilst here. They also want a say in what we are doing as it's their hol too. But what they want to do isn't always child friendly. I just find it really stressful. They are not childiren going along with what parents budget is. But none of them work full time yet (dd's or partners) so they can't fully contribute either. Yet I know we are lucky they enjoy being with us.

Do other people go away with adult children when you can't afford to treat them.?

I think it depends on their attitude.
My DC both came away on family holidays abroad until they were early 20s. Sometimes bringing a partner. We always paid for everything because we can but they were always very appreciative and would never take advantage.
Youngest (25) still tags along sometimes and is great company.
Once or twice a year I book a UK break in a cottage somewhere and they both come with partners. We pay for everything but they always offer.
We also pay if we do family meals out although they will insist on paying if it's my birthday or similar.
I don't know whether I would feel like doing this if they expected or demanded it.

My children can come on holiday as long as they want. It’s costing £900 extra to bring eldest this year but I love the fact he wants to come. I’ll pay for main meals but I’ve said he needs his own spending money. We could stay somewhere more luxurious if he wasn’t coming but I’m more than fine. You need to say if you don’t want them there. Don’t do it then moan

Just tell them no you can't afford it, if they want to come they need to contribute. MOnce I turned 18 hoildays stopped, I had the option to pay to go with my parents but I didn't want to go with them as a compromise though our very last family holiday we did a once in a life time safari through Kenya

I think you have to be more transparent. Book your next holiday as a family of 4 with the 2 youngest children. If the others live away they shouldn't automatically expect to be included, I wouldn't. I'm married with 3 kids and if my mum and dad go away with my unmarried siblings I wouldn't think to be included. Then should they want to go, you tell them that they are more than welcome but will need to arrange their own flights, hotel, transfer. That you will be doing activities suited for your younger children so they can arrange to come along or do their own thing. If you go half board then you eat at times that suit the youngest kids and let your older kids know that you simply can't afford to pay for them all plus partners every night. They can either take it in turns to pay as in each couple or go to dinner elsewhere.

Your kids are too used to you picking up the tab. It would be OK if not a bit entitled if you could afford it but if you can't resentment will build.

I don't think any of this makes you a bad parent, they've clearly had plenty of holidays with you when they were little but the younger two shouldn't have to miss out because you are expected to include and pay for boyfriends too.

I am lucky in that my DS still likes to come on holiday with me but then I fund everything and we have very similar interests. It is just him and I though. If he wanted to bring a friend or a gf I wouldn't fund that.

I understand that you want to treat the younger ones more. In which case you need to be quite blunt to your older DC that you will fund them but not their partners?

OP, you need to talk with your DD about it, not us bunch of randoms on MN! We all have different circumstances anyway. I’m widowed and shortly going on two city breaks and a cruise with my younger DD, who’s in her thirties, plus her old female pal from uni and the pal’s (also widowed) mum - but we are all paying our own way.
I love their company and the two generations get on well. DD goes on plenty of other holidays with her fiancé, as does the pal with her DH, but this is a ladies only trip.

whenever we've been away with our adult children, we all contribute to shared costs . If we rent a place, or a car, equal split per person. If we buy food or go out for a meal we take turns to pay the bill. We share cooking, cleaning , driving, filling the tank, buying a round. Travel costs from different directions are borne by the traveller; travel insurance is arranged and paid by insured person.

I think you need to discuss this with them OP,and point out obvious things like it’s a waste booking a villa with a pool in March ! It might be best to come to the table with a list of things that you think are non negotiable place, price,timing)and telling them that if they want to fit around your plans they are welcome to join you but they need to be willing to soak up additional costs. Also make it clear that you don’t expect to be joined at the hip while you are there.

Why? There is a great joy in being able to give to those we love. Why should that be denied to your child and kept only for yourself? The poster could obviously afford it given they lived at home at low cost, and it no doubt gave her pleasure to treat her mum. Raising an adult who wants to give as well as just to take is an achievement.

It is difficult when they are young adults.

We ended up in a situation with extended holidays where we were subsidising earning adults who probably have more disposable income than we do. It was easier to bow out than try to change the dynamic and net result is that holiday may restart next year with a more equitable split of finances.

I suspect there's always going to be a bit of subsidising your adult DC until they are fully responsible ( possibly when they have their own DCs and need you for childcare) , but I do think if you have to choose you prioritise the younger DCs needs.

My DDs are coming away with us this summer (early 20s). We’ve paid for it but they will buy drinks/meals whilst we are there. We can afford it and enjoy their company.

No long term partners at the mo but they’d be welcome. They’d need to pay for themselves though.

Also go away without them. Both have only just started out in their careers and one pays a lot of rent.

As an adult we go away with our parents- but try and pay 75% of costs

Next time the topic of a holiday comes up

'Oh that's lovely you want to come!! I just need to let you know that we can't cover your or bf's costs though. So you'd need to pay 1/2 of villa, food shopping, meals out trips etc. I'm sorry things would change money wise but if you can afford it then we'd love to see you there'

If she asks why, 'financially things have changed for us'

Of course but a student loan / student finance is different to a wage for example. Dd would love to treat us and of course we have raised her to be generous but I would be very worried if she felt the need to get herself into more debt just to use it for a holiday! 😳 (My daughter is actually in her second year of university, living away from home and uses every penny of her student finance, there is no way she could offer to buy us anything with it nor would I expect or accept her doing so).

I think the biggest problem is that you let them dictate when you went on holiday as well. I still don’t understand why you went away when you didn’t want to. You’re being quite a pushover while also resenting them and they probably don’t realize it. I think it’s too late to bring it up now, it will just sour everything, just next time you go on holiday don’t invite them. Let them know where you’re going and if they want to come they can make their own arrangements.

I think your been too nice. Fair enough if they want to come away with you and you want to contribute something to them going away then great , but they should also pay. If they can’t afford to go away then that’s kind of tough ? That’s adult life. My brother and I went on holiday in our 20s with my mum and dad got the last week of their holidays in France which worked well we paid for the flights they already had the self catering accommodation.

You're blaming them for stress without setting the expectations. They're young so still naturally think the world revolves round them and their needs. If your DD was travelling and wanted to meet you should have said, yes by all means meet up, we will be in Spain during these 2 weeks in July (or whatever). If you didn't want to go in March you should have said no that's not when you're going.
Don't take them all round the shops when you get there. Write a list, collect money from everyone and go shop without them. If they want extras they need to pay. Just be clear.

Unfortunately you have the issue of a second family. Whilst they are being entitled thinking you will pay I'm wondering if they are still a bit resentful you had new children when they were older teens and even subconsciously are trying to keep their place in the family.

We don't have children between us but have 4 adult children, different dynamic - we don't even invite them at similar ages, but we do annually arrange a long weekend which is our treat

I am 51 and going on holiday with my sister and 80 year old mum !! Will probably be the last time my mum goes abroad. She has insisted on treating us to this trip. Very grateful! My sister and I will clearly pay for meals out etc whilst we are away. My own children are students or low wage earners so wouldn't expect them to pay towards a family holiday but they don't want to come away with us either !

Yes teen years were rough with toddlers too. They really love their siblings and all get on great. I think one of reasons they still want to come is that they don't like missing out on their siblings experiences. I agree having a big age gap affects older children. But in fact the more children you have the more you share your self. I guess the difference is the younger ones generally get more attention because of age /needs.

If they were chucking a lot of ‘extras’ in the supermarket trolley, why on earth didn’t you tell them to get their own trolley/basket and that you wouldn’t be paying for extras? It could be said perfectly nicely, not as in wanting to start a row.

If they’ve been allowed to come to expect you always to pay for everything, though, I dare say they might take it badly.

I think it's lovely that your DDs still want to come away with you, and from their perspective they are paying their own way by covering flights and accommodation.

Next time do the holiday at a time that suits you and go shopping without them - they can give you a list, and you buy one big meal out and everyone splits the rest.But it would be a shame for everyone to miss out on the opportunity to holiday together.

I would be horrified too. It’s no different than putting it on a credit card. That money has to be paid back with interest so using it on holiday seems quite dumb really.

Thank you