Going on holiday with adult dd.

[adultdds]

Do people go on holiday with their young adult kids?

DD's always wanted to come away with us and we paid until they turned 18. Now they still want to come even tho they are in their early twenties. We can't afford to pay for them anymore but we find it's so much more expensive if they come with us. We still have two younger dd to pay for.

For example this year eldest dd is travelling she wanted to meet us abroad for a week. We agreed March (although we prefer to go abroad later in year that didn't fit with dd schedule) we rented a villa and paid half, dd's and their partners paid other half . We all covered our own flights. But we paid for a larger transfer, we ended up paying for a lot of the costs of the week- food , trips etc. normally we wood have a few pool days but water was freezing so wasn't really an option. So as a result it's cost us about £500 more than we usually spend whilst here. They also want a say in what we are doing as it's their hol too. But what they want to do isn't always child friendly. I just find it really stressful. They are not childiren going along with what parents budget is. But none of them work full time yet (dd's or partners) so they can't fully contribute either. Yet I know we are lucky they enjoy being with us.

Do other people go away with adult children when you can't afford to treat them.?

Yes I still go away with DS30 and DD31
sometimes (not often) I pay
sometimes we split evenly
usually I pay a bigger share so maybe I’ll cover accommodation costs but everyone pays own flights and brings spending money

We usually do a holiday for us the 2 of us in Feb and then something in the summer for all of us. We love the kids to come. At 23 and 19, they have lots on with mates, but we try and find somewhere they will want to go to.

We pay for everything, but one’s a student and the other has only recently stopped being one. He doesn’t have loads of money as he rents in London, so we’re happy to treat them.

My suggestion going forward (as someone who has been in DDs position) is stick to your original holiday plans/times going forward and let them know where and when you will be going. If they can't afford same accommodation, suggest they get something to suit them near by. This will give a bit of separation but they can come join you during the day or for dinners - shoukd solve the shopping issue and that natural separation means its not such an obvious issue if they want to do their own activities. Worked much better for us after similar frustrations.

I'm not a young adult, I suppose anymore, however I am a single Mum who works part time, so finances are tight. I go away with my parents and we split everything. Accommodation is split between us. I do all the driving, pay for fuel, pay for a dinner box delivery such as hello fresh etc and will do the cooking. We split any extra bits. Stuff I need for my daughter I buy separately. If we pay to go out we pay for our own tickets, entrance etc, if we have drinks, we alternate who buys a round. My Dad will get the odd takeaway to top up the food box I order. They are on a tight budget and so am I. We are respectful and aware of that for each other. So either you need to have a conversation about costs, and how you perhaps don't have the budget to do these things, or perhaps avoid holidaying with them altogether. I have insisted on contributing and paying my way for a very long time. Pride wouldn't allow me to do otherwise. And my parents deserve to be treated at times.

I think you are being a bit tight to be honest. I thought you were going to say they were expecting you to pay their whole trip for them, but they paid for their own transport and half the accomodation (really you should have paid more as you have small DC taking up space too, shouldn't you? So they are subsidising your accomodation). I couldn't begrudge some food shopping and a bigger transfer.

I stopped getting any money from parents when at 16 when I got a weekend and holidays job.

I paid for me and my mum to go on holiday when I was 19 with my university student loan.

I lived at my mum’s until late 20s, and was able to save a deposit for a house in London as I only paid mum £250 per month.

It would never have occurred to me to expect to go away on free holidays post 16 years of age.

Yes. We always have at least one family holiday. DC with their own families come too. We also have holiday 'subgroups' with various family members going on some holidays with each ither, but others not going. Largely depending on level of interest in the destination. As soon as they had their own income DC would pay for themselves. This worked because being prepared to pay was a good indication of their enthusiasm. There is no way I'd be paying to have them tag half heartedly along, just because its a freebie and they might as well. I would probably chip in if I knew they really wanted to go and couldn't afford it.

I think it’s a bit mean to only take two out of four children.

I still pay for mine on group holidays and love it. Pay for gf/bf too if appropriate.

I also contribute to their holidays without me though, so maybe I am not your target audience 😂

That's a really good idea thank you

I would be horrified if dd used some of her student loan to pay for a holiday for us! 😳 I mean it was lovely of you to do that but that money was for you to manage at university. I could never have accepted that as your parent.

There is an element of guilt that I remarried and had two more children as you are correct if we didn't have the young ones we probably could afford it

Not my age bracket but my MIL's - she often goes on holiday with her children and even grandchildren (different people on different trips). She's, shall we say, extremely careful and sensitive about money but does it happily. The adult grandchildren often contribute something but don't pay for everything.

I feel sorry for your kids that you've moved on with your new family and now resent them. Especially when it seems like their biggest crime is chucking some extra food in the shopping trolley.

I've also noticed parents tend to dislike their kids more when they get older, it's probably a biological thing because from a survival perspective they should be self-sufficient.

I think it's hard as if they are travelling and at uni they are unlikely to be able to afford to join you. So it's your call as to whether youd prefer a whole family holiday and take a financial hit, or a smaller 'those who are still living at home' holiday. Either that or you go somewhere all inclusive so the cost of food is clear and paid up front and they can decide whether they want to pay or not. It's difficult with things like food shops deciding how it would be split however what happens when you go out for meals? Do they just wait for you to pay? I think that's cheeky when there are boyfriends involved.

I think a compromise would be them to bring their boyfriends but stay in a separate villa nearby and sort their own food etc and do some meals out separately, or if you invite them with you say you cant afford to subsidise boyfriends. In this case you need to make it clear you mean all costs and expenses not just accommodation and flights (so they arent oh it's ok we will pay for our flights and then expect you to pay for days out etc). If you stay separately it's a bit easier to say things like 'we've booked (and paid for) a day at the water park on Tuesday for the kids, not sure if it's your thing but here is the link if you want to book yourselves on'.

It's nice that your older children still want to go on holiday with you, but I think you need to focus more on the 6yo and 8yo. Holidays should involve treats for them, assuming you can afford to treat them, and they shouldn't be doing things like cooking dinner (as a PP suggested).

I'd do as others suggest and book your holiday around the dates and needs of the younger children. If you can afford to include the older ones, fine - but I'd lay down some very firm rules about expenses (if you get on well enough with them to go away with them, surely you get on well enough to tell them that they're being unreasonable?)

And there is no way I'd be funding the boyfriends.

Then talk to them!

And cut your cloth according to what you can all afford

And, I would say, rightfully so. This happens all the time, the older kids get depriortised for the "new" family. You say it yourself, you didn't want to spend money getting your older kids snacks because you wanted to spoil the younger ones. Surely there's a middle ground.

I, btw, was the oldest in a mixed family. We all get on relatively well, but there was definitely a hierachy which I essentially was at the bottom off. First came the new joint kids, then came my step mums kids, and as the oldest I had to just suck up a lot of stuff. Even now that we are all adults that dynamic remains. It's nothing awful generally, but it does get annoying.

Not at all we are very close. We all spend a lot of time together. This is an issue now as The bfs are fairly new ( within the last year) so it's a new area to navigate. Plus covid we didn't go anywhere and before covid they were under 18. Last year we went away and younger adult dd came (other dd was away) she gave some money towards food / drink in advance but having been one wasn't as expensive as taking 4.

Sorry *taking one wasn't as expensive

Just be honest with them. They either pay their way, or they don't come. They're adults, so stop treating them like children.

I think the issue here is boundaries. Why did you move it to March? Why not just say these are the dates we are away, it's a shame you can't do this year let's plan ahead for next? You also set the boundary of you are an adult now so if you want to go off and do things on your own you can. We will be doing things with younger dc so if you feel too old/disinterested then you don't need to attend. We will be able to cover xyz but you will need to start contributing xyz. If you want them to come then they need a say in where if they are expected to pay flights and accommodation etc

Two of my three (all in their 20s) came camping with me last year. It was lovely to have their company (both working minimum wage jobs) and they did 'treat' me to dinner on the last day but it certainly cost a lot more than the original holiday I had planned!!. I went camping with my parents albeit in a small tent next to their caravan until I was 23! However they also had a much higher income in the 90s than I do now.

I agree we won't do it again. We were fitting in with eldest dd who is travelling for a year ( also not seen much of her)

@Itsbytheby I completely get what you are saying my dds have experienced that on their dads side not once but twice. It's not the case with us. It's a case of we have four kids and they are now adults. But it would be exactly the same if they had same dad as their siblings . It's their stepdad who has raised them not their dad. He is their dad in their eyes. We are very much a family of 6. But I agree the more children you have the more you share the treats /time etc out.

Mine still come with us sometimes ni love it yes it cost us a bit more but it's nice to have the family together. We don't stick like glue to each other. If they want to do things that we don't we meet up just for dinner.

We do the same. Ours are 19 & 25, the 19 year old is at uni & Dd 25 does offer to pay for her flight but we don't accept. Although she has a decent salary with her high rent etc she's always cash poor🙈
I enjoy our hols with them.