Going on holiday with adult dd.

[adultdds]

Do people go on holiday with their young adult kids?

DD's always wanted to come away with us and we paid until they turned 18. Now they still want to come even tho they are in their early twenties. We can't afford to pay for them anymore but we find it's so much more expensive if they come with us. We still have two younger dd to pay for.

For example this year eldest dd is travelling she wanted to meet us abroad for a week. We agreed March (although we prefer to go abroad later in year that didn't fit with dd schedule) we rented a villa and paid half, dd's and their partners paid other half . We all covered our own flights. But we paid for a larger transfer, we ended up paying for a lot of the costs of the week- food , trips etc. normally we wood have a few pool days but water was freezing so wasn't really an option. So as a result it's cost us about £500 more than we usually spend whilst here. They also want a say in what we are doing as it's their hol too. But what they want to do isn't always child friendly. I just find it really stressful. They are not childiren going along with what parents budget is. But none of them work full time yet (dd's or partners) so they can't fully contribute either. Yet I know we are lucky they enjoy being with us.

Do other people go away with adult children when you can't afford to treat them.?

We take adult dd with us (20s) but we’re very clear about what we’re doing - we go all inclusive, so food isn’t an issue, but if we go out for dinner somewhere else we’ll pay. We wouldn’t invite boyfriends / girlfriends. It’s very clear it’s a family holiday - we have Ds aged 11 with autism and Ds wouldn’t cope with other people coming with us. If dd wants her own spending money she has to bring her own. We get transfers to and from the airport from our house and she has to be here to be included. Every year we say this is what we’re doing, do you want to come? And she’ll say yes please so we book it. We love the fact she wants to come and so will continue to pay for her as long as we can. I guess it depends on what you can afford though.

(I mean with the transfers / taxis we wouldn’t pay for travel from her own house, she lives 2.5 hours away, so she has to be here at our house for the taxis to and from airport).

How old are your 2 youngest DDs? I'm sorry but they are priority. I wouldn't of changed my plans to a March holiday how does that work for school? Weather?

There is no point your eldest coming along if she has a partner and interested in different things.

@Comii9 thats not really fair to say there’s no point coming if interested in different things. The most successful group holidays are where it is understood we can all go off and do our own thing and reconvene later for dinner. Plenty of time still spent together and no one gets fed up.

OPS DDS are in their 20s.

There's 4 of us - 2 adults and 2 dc (6,8) and 4 of them 2 dd and their bfs. They paid half accommodation (so a quarter per couple) , their own flights. We paid transfer, all food at villa 250 euros. meals out 450 euro. Approx 250 euros on drinks approx 150 euros on taxis plus trips/days about 200 euros. 1300 euro and we only ate out about 4 times. They have paid roughly 250 euros a couple. Towards food and drink) Younger one is keeping a tab to pay us back.)
We budgeted around 800 but expected a few days hanging round pool which didn't work as not warm enough.

Pulled them out of school 2 days early, plus 2 tt days then Easter hols.

@Talkingtomyhouseplants OP has 4 kids. 2 are adults I'm sorry I think MN is an extremely privileged place at times and people are unaware. Going on holiday taking 4 kids is not cheap PLUS partners. The issue is the costs, why should OP holiday in March to please her eldest DDs? How does that fit in with school for the youngest?

Activies.... well that depends how old her youngest are. OP has not said so I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all.

I'm sorry but unless I was rolling in money personally I would not be doing it. Food and the cost is an issue.. all inclusive sounds like a better shout. Food shopping for 8 people on holiday sounds like a nightmare.

It was around 70 degrees here so thought warm enough for pool but pool was icy cold.

@adultdds 🤣🤣 your a good mum OP. Unless your doing long haul Dubai or the Carribean it will be cold in March. I wouldn't be risking the canaries although people do.

One way you can definitely cut back is on all the eating out. More basic cooking in your own accommodation with maybe a special meal out one night? Each child could take a turn to provide and cook a meal.

I do think there's a difference between a family holiday and mum and dad just picking up the tabs for boyfriends/girlfriends etc. If you want a family holiday then that's lovely and a great opportunity to spend time together but tagging 'partners' along really changes the dynamics of the trip and adds to the awkwardness of who pays for what etc.

We do go on on holiday with 21y Dd but we can afford to do so, including paying for her.

If you can't afford it you need to have the conversation:

We are currently away at the moment. It's DD's 21st today and we are celebrating with a holiday. But she also comes away with us most times we go away abroad. We love her company and she loves coming. I guess it helps that it's paid for, she gets to stay at hotels and go to places she simply couldn't afford otherwise. She does go away with friends too but to cheaper places/accommodation.

Whilst it's lovely for us, we are fortunate that we can afford to go and can afford to pay for her to come with us. We do make compromises - we don't pay for a room for her to be in her own for example, unless it's not much more. This time we have a room which has a sofa bed in the living area bed two double beds in the bedroom. She chose the bed as more comfortable. We were happy with either option .

The last few years we've been on a family holiday, my in-laws always funded it as they felt family was important, even though they couldn't come themselves due to advanced age. Next year we're doing a family holiday and If assumed we'd be paying out of our inheritance but DH is saying no. He's expecting the kids to pay their own way out of their inheritance.

I would only ever plan a holiday to include everyone. If I couldn’t afford to include everyone i would choose something different.

OP I think you're being too nice and too much of a pushover.

Why are you letting your adult children dictate when your holidays happen and how much you buy at the supermarket? Why do they get to demand you all eat out when they're not paying their share?

You need to set boundaries beforehand. Split the costs of accommodation and travel and then everyone contributes to a kitty that funds the holiday for everyone. Say each couple puts in £200 - with you paying £400 as you have two underage children.

That's £800 to cover days out, meals and food - if anyone wants anything extra they can pay for it themselves.

@Comii9 yes exactly so the adults and partners do their own thing if they want to and the younger children and parents also please themselves. What’s your point?

The issue is that this was not clear enough to everyone at the outset. I would take it as a lesson learned and outline before they all commit to future holidays what contributions are required. I am happy for older DCs to come on holiday with us pay for them while they studying and not working full time but paying for their BFs is just not feasible.

I would not pay for the partners’ flights etc but some meals out. I would pay for my own kids though. Yours have paid for their own flights and accommodation so it’s not like they are complete freeloaders.

It is simple for me. If I can afford it, I will continue paying for my kids if they carry on being delightful young people. If I cannot afford it, I will not.

My intention has always been to help my kids with university costs, driving lessons, holidays etc if I can. This was part of the reason we only had two kids. I appreciate not everybody feels that way which is fine too.

We used to go on whole family ski trips with my parents, until they gave up skiing due to age. Always paid my own way fully though.

My parents have never paid for me as an adult, in fact my DH and I took them on an international trip and paid for everything.

I've been on a few trips with my sister and her adult daughter. I think daughter pays for most things (her own airfare etc), but her mother and I probably take turns paying for a lot of meals, drinks etc. But she certainly doesn't expect to be paid for, I just like treating her.

If they're working they should certainly contribute, depending on how old they are, how much they earn.

I have an adult dc still at home works full time I’ve told her she’s welcome to come away with us but she has to pay for herself . She declines maybe she’d come if we pay but I can’t afford it. Also she has the house to herself for a week .
what does annoy me people ask her in front of me if she’s coming I always think she’s mid twenties why would she come away with us . I’m just baffled that people think I should take my adult child on holiday with me .

My parents stopped me going on holiday with them once I was 18, not my sisters who continued to live at home into their 30’s.
I’ve been away with DD, we split all the travel and accommodation 50/50, food I happily paid for.
My DS and his family have been with us, I didn’t expect them to pay anything, I deliberately chose accommodation to suit us all (not abroad).
In your situation OP I would be having the conversation very soon, it’s really presumptive of them to expect you to pay!

I think this is true. When you booked the holiday you booked it around them - they’ve told you what works for them and what they want and you’ve gone along with it. Rather than saying “we’re going here, this is what you’ll need to bring / spend if you want to come”. We always choose our holidays around our youngest and what we want to do and then give dd the option of coming (she always does).

The point of the thread is the cost. How can you be so tone deaf?

The activities were not the main issue but the main point is the cost. Or did you miss where OP stated this part?

It's not sustainable for her as she also has 2 younger kids to pay for. Paying for 4 kids is a lot plus partners is expensive don't you think?

I would be willing to pay for my daughters but not for their partners ! I would expect the daughters to pay something towards the holiday to help their mum and dad. They are adults and they are carrying on as kids. Whilst I think it's nice they still want to spend time with mum and dad part of me questions is this just because they can't afford their own holiday ? Mmmmmm probably and if you say then boyfriends have to pay for themselves they will probably change their mind about coming !